aprycot

I haven't really posted much here (if at all.. it's been quite a while) but today I had a good friend, Karen, approach me. She is very close with a woman, Jill, who is an alcoholic, and Jill had a 12-year-old son. Karen is very concerned about both Jill and her son. She approached me for advice on how to handle the situation and what she can offer to them both for help. As an adult child of an alcoholic (in therapy and healing) I offered a few bits of wisdom, but I am looking for additional advice on what she can do to help.

I also wonder if it makes sense for me to try to talk to the boy even though I don't know him very well. I've only met him a few times. I have purchased a few books from Alateen that I thought might be beneficial.

Unfortunately, we live overseas and don't really have access to Al-Anon meetings (I know there are some in our area, but we don't speak the local language fluently enough to benefit from something like this, more than likely). I'm not sure if he could use internet meetings or even this website for support. I also don't know how his parents would feel about him pursuing counseling.

I guess I would just like some advice on how Karen or I can move forward in supporting him. So far, I have just told her to be there for him and let him know that he has a safe place to go anytime and to let him know that his mother's behavior is not at all his fault. I just remember how I felt at that age.. embarrassed, scared, alone. I want to let him know that he is not alone, but I don't know how well he would respond to me (basically a stranger) discussing any of this, and I don't want his mom to get upset and push me or Karen away.. thus eliminating a source of support for the boy.

I'm sorry if I'm rambling or not making sense. I hope someone has some words of wisdom. Thank you for reading.

RedCandle

Aprycot,

I'm an ACoA...and I can say that when I was 12 years old...if someone had walked up to me with Alateen books and wanted to talk about my mom and dad's alcoholism...I would have turned and RUN in the opposite direction.

Its hard enough getting a 12 year old to open up...let alone one who is affected by alcoholism...

HOWEVER, the ONE thing that I truly wish I HAD had...that really could have helped me through those years...is a CONSISTENT, open, honest, WELCOMING and TRUSTING adult of the *same sex* in my life who I felt I could talk to and confide in.

A role model...a friend.

Maybe we would have never talked DIRECTLY about alcoholism...but this was what I needed to navigate through the turbulent waters of my teens...and this is what an alcoholic family could not provide.

I'm not sure if you are able to foster that in this boy's life...

...just my first thought when I read your post.

aprycot

I know you are right, because that was pretty much my thinking as well. I was soo embarrassed growing up, and anytime anybody talked about it, I would either deny it or get very flustered and upset. I feel so helpless since we aren't very close, but I want to help because I know I could have used support during that time in my life.

I am still going to get the books to him, though I will probably just let Karen hand them over and try to make it as painless as possible. I'm hoping he will at least hang on to them until he is ready to learn a bit more.

As much as I would like to be extra supportive, etc, I'm a mother of a toddler, and I don't really know him or his family well enough to just start hanging out with their 12-year-old without it being pretty strange. Perhaps I can talk to Karen about her husband opening up to him a bit to see if he might be receptive. I'm not sure what their relationship is like, but it is worth a shot.

Thumper

As a parent to boys that age I want to second Redcandles post.

This would be such a huge gift.