Wheaten

Not sure what happened to my longer post! Short version: My mother went off the rails after divorce 20yrs ago. Drank spirits, neglected us. Recently turned things around a bit. Much healthier. Still drinks though. Some days at noon. But only wine. As an ACOA I have no idea if this is normal. Whole family act like it is and that drinking wine everyday is totally normal for quite wealthy retired people. She sometimes looks after my daughter. Almost always when I am in the house. I now have an opportunity to work outside the home. Can I use mum for childcare? She can leave the drinking till the evening when she is needed.

tromboneliness

I can't speak to the child-care aspect, but this is standard operating procedure for alcoholics. "It's only wine, it's normal, everyone does it," etc. My family were all in denial about my parents, too -- at least as far as I could tell. They're incredibly good at making it look as though they've got everything under control now, nothing like it used to be, could give it up at any time (I just don't want to right now -- and why bother, since it's not a problem anyway), can easily put off drinking until later in the day, it's never had any effect on anything, and in any case, who are you to point fingers? All very familiar.

How old is your daughter?

T

Wheaten

Thank you T. Yes all so familiar.

I feel like the only person who remembers I came home to a drunk every day from school and the only one who sees the wine on the side now. It's true she will delay it until I come back when she is babysitting but I am still so uncomfortable. I hate playing the 'it's all ok game' but feel totally strangled when I try and bring it up. I have spent so many years covering for her that to say directly 'do not do this' or 'if you do this I will leave' seems beyond me. Would it make any difference if I laid down my ground rules? They are pretty strict actually if I can get them out of my mouth. I don't drink at all. Or smoke. But I would be the ONLY person acknowledging it and I would be the 'difficult one' (everyone had a go at cleaning her up when I was younger - it never worked. The change to wine came only recently)

Anyway, my child is only 2. I turned down the job. It would have been great but these issues are making me too stressed. I know grandmothers have less influence than mothers and that my child would not be affected as I have been by her drinking and that my mother is 'better'. But I don't know if that is enough to protect my child. Even for only a few hours a week. And honestly if my mother stopped tomorrow .... I'm still mad about it. It would take a long time to trust her again.

LuvMySis

Wheaten, I'm sorry you had to make this decision, but I agree with what you decided, based on my own experiences.

Kialua

I would not and did not. Not worth the chance. Your kids come first even if its hard.