Stuck in limbo...

Old 07-17-2012, 04:44 PM
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Stuck in limbo...

Here is my update from the last few weeks-
I told him I wanted him to be done with drinking or be out by Aug 1. He said he would quit. He has cut down in the # of days he drinks, so there is some progress. He had to do another intake at the intensive outpatient center, which was last week. Then he had another meeting today with the guy (for what I don't know), but had an anxiety attack in the middle so he left. He found out today he has to have two more meetings, one with a social worker & someone else (he doesn't know, but hopefully it's a psychiatrist) before actually starting the program. So who knows how long that will be. I just don't understand why he doesn't ask any questions or know anything about the program. Like when will he start and will they give him meds for his anxiety/depression. I don't know how he can successfully quit drinking without dealing with these issues. It would be nice to know these things, if he isn't going to get any meds then we can try to get him in with someone that will give him the extra help he needs.

He did call a friend of a friend who has been in AA for a while. Unfortunately he hasn't gone yet. No matter what happens with this program I am going to insist that he begin AA if he wants to continue living with us.

Being stuck here is getting very frustrati g to me. I was hoping he'd start the program in June, but that didn't happen. Now it just seems to be put off longer and longer. I have long ago let this relationship go and have no desire to stay, esp. if he isnt going to try. I am just so ready to move on with my life with or without him. This being stuck here is causing me frustration and anxiety. Alot of the anxiety is coming from the big adjustment and the uncertainties that will come if he moves out. I chose Aug 1 because it gives dd and myself a month to adjust before I start nursing school & she starts preschool. I feel like having him move out in the end of Aug or Sept-nov will be too much on us.

I know he wants to quit, I can tell he is very torn over the situation. He has taken the steps he has on his own. He found the program and started to take the first steps months ago on his own before any ultimatum was ever given. That is what makes me second guess the whole get him to move out plan. I do believe he wants to quit and as long as he is making steps I don't want to push him out. It is hard being stuck and not knowing what will happen and which direction to go.

Thanks all for listening
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Old 07-17-2012, 04:52 PM
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IMHO the reason he is not asking any of the questions, is because he is not committed to his recovery. It's all a smoke screen, and the guy behind the screen is the exact same active alkie.

You are not stuck, you are holding yourself back.

You are allowing his disease to control YOUR life, and that is not healthy.

Cutting back on his drinking, is not a step towards recovery. He is simply trying to pacify you.

Careful now, if you do not make healthy choices for yourself, you will be his doormat. Perhaps its the perfect time, for both of you, to take a step back and work separately on yourselves. What do you have to loose? The current situation is not working.

Keep posting, you are not alone.
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Old 07-17-2012, 08:24 PM
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Cutting back on his drinking, is not a step towards recovery. He is simply trying to pacify you.

My AH did this over and over, usually precipitated by a drinking incident, usually where he picked a big fight. Currently, he says he has not been drinking or smoking pot as much. The pacification never lasts. Addicts have to prove they are in control of their addiction, but without recovery the addiction controls them. AH's use of his DOC always cycles up, even after a period of not using that much.
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Old 07-18-2012, 05:30 AM
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Thanks mmk & Marie for the responses. Time will tell if he is serious about quitting or not, and he doesn't have much time left. Getting into a program and seeking ongoing support is absolutely part of the deal. Last night I reminded him of the date I wanted him out and tried to have a conversation with him about his progress, it didn't go so well. He said he's just gonna move out. But he's said this before, then he comes back and says he doesn't really mean it. Besides, even though he said that it doesn't mean he'll leave easily.

I know it's not just pacification. He has been troubled by his problems for quite some time. He went on his own, before I ever said anything, and sought help. I just don't know if he has a strong enough drive right now to really quit. I know it's not an easy thing to do. He is at the point right now where he can lose everything, not just me. He lost his unemployment & spent all his money. Now his car insurance is due and has no way of getting enough funds for it. I would've been more inclined to help if I saw him really trying to save what little he has and quit drinking. He knows better than to ask me for it. So his next solution is to sell his car. Without a car he can't continue with school or even have a job as he can't get there. I don't know how he'll get himself out of this whole mess if he goes down that route. But it's his choice. I would help him troubleshoot if he asked.

What do I have to lose? A live in chef & part time housekeeper. Seriously, it's not an easy decision to become a single parent. My situation isn't as bad as some people's here, but it is certainly going in that direction. I hear such horror stories about nursing school, I know it's not an easy path I am taking. Honestly, if I can even get 6 months of sobriety I'll take it.
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Old 07-18-2012, 12:49 PM
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You are not making the decision to become a single parent. HE is.

Children would rather come from a broken home than live in one.

How two consenting adults choose to live is their business.

But for God's sake, the kids do not deserve to live in turmoil and the everyday hell that happens when a parent is addicted.

Good luck with nursing school, it is tough. Lots of studying and focus needed. I can only suggest you educate yourself about addiction, I have a feeling things will get worse, alcoholism is a progressive disease.

The disease is already showing itself, no job, no money, soon no car,...... these are all his consequences, coming to the surface. I would step back and let him experience every damn one.

LaLa, you cannot save him, so save you and your child.
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Old 07-18-2012, 07:24 PM
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My daughter is not living in turmoil and hell every day, otherwise he would've been out long ago. The day that he is out is quickly approaching if things don't drastically change though. And believe me, he is going to feel everything that he has done to his life. I am definitely not helping him to get out of this hole he has dug. He hasn't even asked me, he knows I will not help.
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Old 07-18-2012, 08:42 PM
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Saying this gently, but if you are waiting for a "drastic change" you will probably be disappointed.

Hugs and peace, to you this evening.
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Old 07-19-2012, 05:18 AM
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I certainly won't be disappointed because I have no expectations that he will change. I am as prepared as one can be to live without him. I take great relief in knowing that this will be over soon whether he is living here or not. I know I have a long road ahead of me whether he quits or not. We have both acknowledged that our relationship might not survive even if he does get better. He knows that I have fallen out of love with him. I just don't see what is so wrong with letting him stick around if he is continuing to make progress, quits drinking and attends meetings. I have stated in my first post I told him I want him out by Aug 1 if he hasn't started recovery (including meetings w/ AA or the intensive rehab center).

Just a curious question for anyone who may have answers to this ot question- is it normal to experience sharp back pains as part of withdrawals? He has been complaining of this and feels them within a few days of going w/out. I talk to people everyday about their pain and his seems a little abnormal to me. I have said for him to talk to his Dr about it since he needs to go anyway. Just curious if this is part of alcoholism or not. I am not worried about it being anything too serious (like bone cancer) because this has been going on for many years.
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Old 07-19-2012, 05:35 AM
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I'm only going to address the back pain here: get him to a doctor, it may be VERY unrelated to the drinking or it could be referred liver pain. Might be good to just check it out.

My dad was an alcoholic and was having back pain, but it was unrelated to whether he drank or not. He actually had a spinal cord tumor that was pressing on the nerves in his back. He died last December, age 62, from kidney and lung infections brought on by the results of the tumor removal. He had an awful 2 years and managed to cut back his drinking but he was holding a cigarette until his dying days. It's amazing what addiction to any substance will do to you.

Now, my dentist, a 56 year old super healthy guy had back pain for 8 years and never really got it looked at. He was at the point last spring when he would have to lay down after working on each patient. Finally, after much prodding from his wife he went to a doctor and they found via ultrasound a HUGE liver tumor. He died within 6 weeks of this discovery. He was our family dentist for 16 years and we still miss him.

My point here is that back pain can be something very serious or nothing much at all. Have him get it checked out. Many times back pain is referred pain. Kind of how when my gallbladder acts up, I get shoulder pain.
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Old 07-19-2012, 05:50 AM
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Sticking by your boundary and having him live separately is OK no matter what he does or does not do. It is a boundary and a date that takes care of you and your daughter. You do not have to adjust your boundaries based on small steps that he takes. It must be so exhausting and stressful watching his movements to see how you should respond.

Him living separate is not giving up on him or punishing him or being mean to him. It is a consequence of his behavior and actions - a natural, normal, expected consequence. You are simply being responsible for yourself and your daughter and requiring him to be responsible for himself. He'll either move out and do what he says he wants (find recovery) or he'll move out and continue drinking.

One thing I feel is certain based on my experience and what I've seen on these boards - separating does not cause people to abandon recovery. Maintaining the status quo does not jump start recovery, encourage, or result in greater recovery efforts.

If he moves out the year following that will be very revealing. He'll either embrace recovery or not and you can do the next right thing as time goes on. It will be much easier for you, IMO and IME, to do the next right thing if your home is one of peace and ease - where you can focus on your wants/needs - not watch his and wondering if what he is doing is for real or for show or if he is asking the right questions or following up on his other issues etc. etc. It all becomes part of the dance that keeps you both stuck in limbo.

FWIW I asked my husband to move out for a year and work on his recovery. I promised to go to marriage counseling if he was in active recovery after 6-12mos. He flipped out - which was very revealing in and of itself. He had no intentions of changing. The treatment program he ran off to was a vacation from the emotional trauma and panic of me asking for a divorce. He made some phone calls and did some stuff that was done in the name of recovery but his only intent was to maintain the status quo. His goal was not to quit drinking, it was to preserve his enabling relationship.

I do not think my xah is a bad man either. He was not abusive until I asked for a divorce and I think he loved his family but he was an active alcoholic. At the end of the day addiction is what he protected and living in a home where one person is protecting the very thing that is destroying it is no way to live.
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Old 07-19-2012, 06:56 AM
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Lizatola- thanks for the input, these are my thoughts exactly. Amazingly digestive problems hadn't occurred to me until you mentioned your gallbladder & your dentists liver problem. All I can do is make the suggestion, it's up to him to go to the Dr. He has other health issues to take care of as well. I can make suggestions, but its out of my control.

Thumper- you are so spot on with everything. I am definitely going to need to keep coming back and reading this post over the next few months. Thank you.

I was able to sit with him and talk to him today. We talked both about his future with school & work and about us. What will happen Aug 1 is still up in the air, but he knows where I am coming from and understands my reasons for choosing that date. He seems to be willing to move out w/out a fight, which is another load off my back.
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Old 07-20-2012, 06:39 AM
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I guess my intentions arent coming across clear here. Simply going to one meeting is not part of the deal. I need to see more steps to see improvement. So far he has majorly cut down on drinking (he hasn't had any since Sun & went more days than not the prior 2 weeks)- no , this is not enough, I want no drinking but it's a step in the right direction. It's Friday and he does have cash coming in from some people who hire him for weekly pool work, so we'll see what happens tonight. I also want him to at least have a date to start the intensive outpatient program because we both know he needs more than what AA can offer. The month I gave him wasn't to make up his mind, he decided he needed help on his own before I ever gave him an ultimatum, it was for him to actually start recovery.

So what happens if he drinks this weekend? He is out. What happens if the date for the treatment program is Aug 15 and he doesn't go? He is out. What happens if he continually makes steps, then sept. 15 he says he is going to start drinking again and won't go to any more meetings, he is out. Aug 1 isn't some magical date that will leave him locked into living here forever, I can kick him out any time I want (actually getting him to leave may be another story though). Honestly I will probably need at least a year sober before I start to trust him again, maybe even longer, if ever.

Like I said before, is it so wrong to let him stay if he continues to make Progress?
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Old 07-20-2012, 08:04 AM
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If an ultimatum was a successful strategy, there would not be a single alcoholic or addict on earth.

Boundaries are established to protect ourselves and minor children from chaos and/or danger. " I will not live with someone in active alcoholism/addiction or early recovery" is a boundary and does not seek to control the outcome. Boundaries are for life, not temporary.
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Old 07-20-2012, 07:31 PM
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Outtolunch- you are right, it is definitely a boundry and not an ultimatum. I am glad you put that part in perspective for me. Yes it is definitely for life, I certainly won't forget that ever. I really don't thInk I could even date a recovered alcoholic (except this bum that is on his way out the door) after this relationship is over for fear of relapse.

Btw- it looks like I'll be looking for more advice on how to get him out and survive single motherhood then how to deal with a recovering addict.
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