AA/NA friends of Opposite Sex
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2012
Posts: 33
AA/NA friends of Opposite Sex
Just wondering what some of your thoughts are on spouses who have “friends” in AA/NA who are the opposite sex? My AH has recently befriended a girl from AA, you know because she “gets him” and “accepts him” in a way I apparently never will since I’m not an addict.
This infuriates me, I don’t know how I would even control it (yeaks! Did I just say control, can’t do that I know) do I ask him to only go to men’s only meetings? Just wondering what other opinions are on the matter and maybe what some of you have experienced with your significant others.
FYI-He did cross the line with this girl, so she is no contact for sure, but what about other women in general?
Thanks!
This infuriates me, I don’t know how I would even control it (yeaks! Did I just say control, can’t do that I know) do I ask him to only go to men’s only meetings? Just wondering what other opinions are on the matter and maybe what some of you have experienced with your significant others.
FYI-He did cross the line with this girl, so she is no contact for sure, but what about other women in general?
Thanks!
Member
Join Date: Apr 2012
Location: northern michigan. not the U.P.
Posts: 15,281
the problem with AH being friends with members of the opposite sex is your problem, not his. soooooo, to look in the mirror and find why would be very helpful to you. selfish? fear? insecure? self esteem?
however, i really dont know how long he has been in recovery or if he has a sponsor, but if its early, it isnt wise to do it and i am guessin this woman is early in recovery or she would see there are other women who "get her." and iffen yer AH is in recovery no matter what length, he should stay away from female newcomers.
if i was his sponsor and he was new to recovery, i may something like this:
" look, at this time you dont know how to have a friendship. right now it is wise to concentrate on you and fix you. yeah, i know, you think you can help her, but you aint got anything to help her with at this time but your own sick thinkin. the knowledge i gained through experience of myself and watching others says stay away from the woman and women should stay away from men unless in a group setting. too many poeple have gotten into these so called friendship only to go too deep, find out they dont know a dam thing about friendships or relationships, and end up drunk. some make it back, but many dont. do you want to drink again or not? if not, then you may want to really think about what i just told ya. yeah, i know. it wont happen to you, so good luck with it. i will be here to help ya but i wont go down with ya. i will pray for ya because i want to see you make it."
or something to that effect.
however, i really dont know how long he has been in recovery or if he has a sponsor, but if its early, it isnt wise to do it and i am guessin this woman is early in recovery or she would see there are other women who "get her." and iffen yer AH is in recovery no matter what length, he should stay away from female newcomers.
if i was his sponsor and he was new to recovery, i may something like this:
" look, at this time you dont know how to have a friendship. right now it is wise to concentrate on you and fix you. yeah, i know, you think you can help her, but you aint got anything to help her with at this time but your own sick thinkin. the knowledge i gained through experience of myself and watching others says stay away from the woman and women should stay away from men unless in a group setting. too many poeple have gotten into these so called friendship only to go too deep, find out they dont know a dam thing about friendships or relationships, and end up drunk. some make it back, but many dont. do you want to drink again or not? if not, then you may want to really think about what i just told ya. yeah, i know. it wont happen to you, so good luck with it. i will be here to help ya but i wont go down with ya. i will pray for ya because i want to see you make it."
or something to that effect.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2011
Location: Minneapolis
Posts: 924
hanging out with the opposite sex when you are new in recovery is called "13th stepping"
how convenient it is to find someone who "gets you" who is opposite sex rather than another male. it's because another male will focus on recovery and call you on your total BS rather than share flirtatious pink cloud observations...
how convenient it is to find someone who "gets you" who is opposite sex rather than another male. it's because another male will focus on recovery and call you on your total BS rather than share flirtatious pink cloud observations...
Belgian Sheepdog Adictee
Join Date: Apr 2004
Location: In Today
Posts: 6,101
There is appropriate and there is inappropriate.
What you AH is doing is definitely INAPPROPRIATE!
During my first year of recovery in AA, I went to 'mixed' meetings, however, any going for coffee afterwards was with a group, and many times my sponsor and sometimes her hubby were in that group. I would gravitate to Hugh (Bev's hubby) but it was not in a 'sexual' way. This man 'kicked my butt' for years, lol and everything he said made sense to me.
I have seen what is happening with your AH many times, after all AA is filled with a bunch of 'sick people trying to get well', and I can say it does not bode well for either party.
I understand this bothers you, may be a blow to your own self worth, however, maybe look at it this way .......................... humans are drawn to other humans that are at 'their level' be that level financial, emotional, same illnesses, etc and right now I believe your AH is drawn to someone who is as SICK AS HE IS. Is it right? Of course not!
Please focus on you and your children. Focus on you being the best you, that you can be. After all, you are a very strong woman, even if sometimes you do think so.
"I AM WOMAN, HEAR ME ROAR!
Please know that we are walking with you in spirit.
Love and hugs,
What you AH is doing is definitely INAPPROPRIATE!
During my first year of recovery in AA, I went to 'mixed' meetings, however, any going for coffee afterwards was with a group, and many times my sponsor and sometimes her hubby were in that group. I would gravitate to Hugh (Bev's hubby) but it was not in a 'sexual' way. This man 'kicked my butt' for years, lol and everything he said made sense to me.
I have seen what is happening with your AH many times, after all AA is filled with a bunch of 'sick people trying to get well', and I can say it does not bode well for either party.
I understand this bothers you, may be a blow to your own self worth, however, maybe look at it this way .......................... humans are drawn to other humans that are at 'their level' be that level financial, emotional, same illnesses, etc and right now I believe your AH is drawn to someone who is as SICK AS HE IS. Is it right? Of course not!
Please focus on you and your children. Focus on you being the best you, that you can be. After all, you are a very strong woman, even if sometimes you do think so.
"I AM WOMAN, HEAR ME ROAR!
Please know that we are walking with you in spirit.
Love and hugs,
Getting there!!
Join Date: Mar 2012
Posts: 5,750
My husband told me that NA frowns on this so much that it talked about all the time. It can often time lead to relapses.
One Saturday night before a meeting started, 2 grown men were literally fist fighting outside over a girl. One by one (all 3) stopped coming to that meeting.
One Saturday night before a meeting started, 2 grown men were literally fist fighting outside over a girl. One by one (all 3) stopped coming to that meeting.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2011
Location: Another Earth
Posts: 172
Back in December, my ex, who was new to recovery, befriended a woman who has supposedly been in AA for 6 years. She, too, "understood" him and if he could have a female sponsor it'd be her, blah, blah, blah. Well, in a matter of a month or so, she moved him in. IMHO, if you are using AA as a social/dating club, maybe you are not serious about recovery and why an "old timer" would do it, well I am not sure on that one. Not to scare you, but just sharing my experience. What is acceptable to YOU?
Member
Join Date: Jun 2002
Location: not sure
Posts: 452
Agree. It's inappropriate. I've seen that happen and it leads to no good. Inappropriate elationships frequently begin with one person sharing problems with the opposite sex. He needs to be very careful.
Iceberg Ahead!
Join Date: Sep 2012
Location: Out at Sea
Posts: 1,177
Your AH must be responsible for his own recovery, otherwise it won't work. 13th Stepping, switching addictions, getting the focus on another person rather than his own sobriety & any other way your AH wants to screw up his recovery is his problem.
You are responsible for your own recovery, and it sounds like you are going to Al-Anon meetings. Boundaries - considering, setting and enforcing them - is your concern. Work all your program tools on those boundaries. Sounds to me like you are doing that!!
You are responsible for your own recovery, and it sounds like you are going to Al-Anon meetings. Boundaries - considering, setting and enforcing them - is your concern. Work all your program tools on those boundaries. Sounds to me like you are doing that!!
Curmudgeon, Electrical Engineer, Guitar God Wannabe
Join Date: Jan 2012
Location: Where the mighty arms of Atlas hold the heavens from the Earth
Posts: 3,403
Originally Posted by Mitten2012 
Just wondering what some of your thoughts are on spouses who have “friends” in AA/NA who are the opposite sex? My AH has recently befriended a girl from AA, you know because she “gets him” and “accepts him” in a way I apparently never will since I’m not an addict.
This infuriates me, I don’t know how I would even control it (yeaks! Did I just say control, can’t do that I know) do I ask him to only go to men’s only meetings? Just wondering what other opinions are on the matter and maybe what some of you have experienced with your significant others.
FYI-He did cross the line with this girl, so she is no contact for sure, but what about other women in general?
Thanks!
This infuriates me, I don’t know how I would even control it (yeaks! Did I just say control, can’t do that I know) do I ask him to only go to men’s only meetings? Just wondering what other opinions are on the matter and maybe what some of you have experienced with your significant others.
FYI-He did cross the line with this girl, so she is no contact for sure, but what about other women in general?
Thanks!
Well, my AXGF cheated on me with a guy from "the Fellowship". She was spending a lot of time with him immediately after they met. I told her it was unacceptable. She basically said tough sh*t.
I think sick people gravitate towards sick people. Their boundaries aren't healthy, and they connect in an intense way because they can "relate" to each other. There are reasons why men have men as sponsors, and women have women, and that's to discourage that sort of inappropriate behavior.
I would not trust an addict that's new to recovery as far as I can through them. Because even if they're not using, their wiring is still addict wiring.
Be careful.
Best,
ZoSo
Member
Join Date: May 2005
Posts: 1,691
my immediate response is "not good". However, all you can do is state your feelings and discomfort regarding the situation (as a sponsor told me "expressing your feelings one time is fine, anything else is an attempt to control).
Where I had a problem was realizing that if I didn't like what was going on I could state my concerns. If the other person chooses behavior that I am still uncomfortable with it means that I have some thinking to do.....is it a situation that I can tolerate "as is" or do I need to make a change in the relationship that I am willing to have (remove myself, change the status of the relationship, etc.).
The concept of acceptance took a while for me to grasp....it means that I don't have to like/approve of a situation but it does mean that I need to see things for what they are and then decide if it's something I will tolerate in my life. I am now single because I accepted that my husband had issues and my choice was to live in a healthy way. I didn't have to accept him and stay....I just needed to accept reality.
When people say that his behavior is in his hands - that is true. It's your decision whether to stay or not.
Where I had a problem was realizing that if I didn't like what was going on I could state my concerns. If the other person chooses behavior that I am still uncomfortable with it means that I have some thinking to do.....is it a situation that I can tolerate "as is" or do I need to make a change in the relationship that I am willing to have (remove myself, change the status of the relationship, etc.).
The concept of acceptance took a while for me to grasp....it means that I don't have to like/approve of a situation but it does mean that I need to see things for what they are and then decide if it's something I will tolerate in my life. I am now single because I accepted that my husband had issues and my choice was to live in a healthy way. I didn't have to accept him and stay....I just needed to accept reality.
When people say that his behavior is in his hands - that is true. It's your decision whether to stay or not.
Member of SMART Recovery
Join Date: Mar 2010
Posts: 1,722
I've always thought that the "only an alcoholic can understand an alcoholic" idea was a bit of a double-edged sword. While it may be true, to an extent, that only another person who has experienced addiction can fully appreciate what that particular experience is like...the notion is all too often expanded to suggest that loved ones "just don't get it" and that that their needs can therefore legitimately be ignored.
This, of course, is nonsense--it amounts to the alcoholic remaining just as selfish as he or she was before, only now the selfishness is in the name of recovery: "Well, I cheated on you with that girl from the program because she understands me and you don't."
As to what you can do about it? Maddeningly, often nothing because your complaints just prove that you really don't get it. And so you lose the guy you stuck with through all those years of drinking...you lose him to recovery.
This is not the way it is meant to be. But it happens.
This, of course, is nonsense--it amounts to the alcoholic remaining just as selfish as he or she was before, only now the selfishness is in the name of recovery: "Well, I cheated on you with that girl from the program because she understands me and you don't."
As to what you can do about it? Maddeningly, often nothing because your complaints just prove that you really don't get it. And so you lose the guy you stuck with through all those years of drinking...you lose him to recovery.
This is not the way it is meant to be. But it happens.
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