Afraid of confessing thsi to my sponsor an advice?
Grateful AA member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2006
Location: In the middle of the woods, NJ
Posts: 567
Afraid of confessing thsi to my sponsor an advice?
The area I moved back to I was quick to leave after high school because of the close-mindedness of many of the people in this county. I can admit it on this board but saying it to my sponsor scares me but as I am approching for fourth and fifth step I need to be able to be honest.
Because of my past, I had a problem with being with men unless I was completely drunk for most pretty much my entire twenties. I thought I was gay and dated a girl for three years but she was very abusive to me and through this relationship I decided I was straight. Yeah, I am really screwed up in the head I know :rotfxko I can laugh about this.
Anyway, Ive kept it to myself for a long time and it sucks that my longest relationship I have to hide so I am not judged by people. It really hurts and I have resentments there so its obviously something I must bring up. Where I moved from it was more acceptable people were def more open minded and lived next door to "gay town". I also lived in NY before that and it was never a big deal either.
My first sponsor up here I allowed her to read the book Im writing after she told me that nothing I could say would ever make her judge me but when she read about my relationship with a woman she said straight out "Jesus forgives you!" Really??????? I wasnt expecting that. My God is non judgmental and and wouldnt need to forgive me.
So now I have to tell my second sponsor. She is pretty relaxed and doesnt seem to be closed minded at all. She would not say something like "Jesus forgives me" either but I am afraid to tell her. I am afraid if the rejection and being open about a part of my life that she may find some reason not to sponsor me anymore. I dont want to feel that rejection again?
Any advice?
Because of my past, I had a problem with being with men unless I was completely drunk for most pretty much my entire twenties. I thought I was gay and dated a girl for three years but she was very abusive to me and through this relationship I decided I was straight. Yeah, I am really screwed up in the head I know :rotfxko I can laugh about this.
Anyway, Ive kept it to myself for a long time and it sucks that my longest relationship I have to hide so I am not judged by people. It really hurts and I have resentments there so its obviously something I must bring up. Where I moved from it was more acceptable people were def more open minded and lived next door to "gay town". I also lived in NY before that and it was never a big deal either.
My first sponsor up here I allowed her to read the book Im writing after she told me that nothing I could say would ever make her judge me but when she read about my relationship with a woman she said straight out "Jesus forgives you!" Really??????? I wasnt expecting that. My God is non judgmental and and wouldnt need to forgive me.
So now I have to tell my second sponsor. She is pretty relaxed and doesnt seem to be closed minded at all. She would not say something like "Jesus forgives me" either but I am afraid to tell her. I am afraid if the rejection and being open about a part of my life that she may find some reason not to sponsor me anymore. I dont want to feel that rejection again?
Any advice?
Last edited by Innerchild; 07-17-2012 at 04:18 AM. Reason: mistake
Member
Join Date: Jun 2012
Location: UK
Posts: 1,359
I know it's easy to say - but if anyone rejects you or judges you on the basis of what was a very important relationship in your life, then it is them with the problem.
I really hope your second sponsor can be more open minded for you
I really hope your second sponsor can be more open minded for you
Member
Join Date: Feb 2012
Location: Louisiana
Posts: 8,642
Yes, Innerchild .....run for your life AWAY from anyone that feels superior enough to judge you. If your second sponsor feels that way also .... ADIOS!! ( I can say this because my family of origin is just this type of person..... judgemental and intolerant. ) Find someone that sees the you in you. Recovery itself is hard enough.
bona fido dog-lover
Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: SF Bay area, CA
Posts: 99,781
Why does your sponsor have to read your book at all? I'd say that was private stuff and not for public reading, by anyone, unless you wanted them to read it. Me, I'd keep that to myself.
Sobriety date 12/19/2011
Join Date: Jun 2012
Location: TX
Posts: 409
From all the spiritual Master teachings that I have learned being gay is totally fine! What is a sin? Sleeping around with hundreds of people just to get instant gratification.
Cayce on Sex - The Order of Nazorean Essenes
Cayce on Sex - The Order of Nazorean Essenes
Self recovered Self discovered
Join Date: Aug 2011
Location: Toronto Canada
Posts: 5,148
I am so sorry, Innerchild, to hear that you have experienced such a crushing judgement from someone whom you trusted. You confided in someone who rejected something that is a big part of you, of your soul. That is such a tragedy.
I needed to talk to someone about some difficult things in my life, so I talked to my clergyman, I talked to a licensed professional therapist, people whose profession is listening and guiding people like me with deep personal questions. As you might expect, they were wonderful and helped me a lot, because, after all, that is what they do.
I hope you continue to look for your answers, Innerchild. Don't stop until you do. But realize, there are other places to look. Best to you.
I needed to talk to someone about some difficult things in my life, so I talked to my clergyman, I talked to a licensed professional therapist, people whose profession is listening and guiding people like me with deep personal questions. As you might expect, they were wonderful and helped me a lot, because, after all, that is what they do.
I hope you continue to look for your answers, Innerchild. Don't stop until you do. But realize, there are other places to look. Best to you.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2005
Location: Baton Rouge, La.
Posts: 15,238
I know in my heart, mind and soul that God
of my understanding knows everything about
me before, during and after alcohol. By no means
am I a saint, nor perfect, nor wish to be. Being
raised as a Catholic, graduating Catholic HS, I
was taught the commandments and pretty sure
Ive broken just about all of them except I didnt
kill anyone. Well, i almost to myself when I hit rock
bottom the day family stepped in with intervention.
In early recovery there is no rush to make amends
or fix all the wrongs we have done in our lives. Being
honest in all our affairs doesnt mean we have to be
completely honest emmediately. And we dont have
to tell the world all the sins we have committed for the
rest of our lives either.
If i shared a sin to one other person and truely to the
best of my ability living the steps and principles set
down to us in recovery to not commit them again, then
i dont need to keep telling the world what wrongs ive
done.
If you share with one sponsor then you dont need
to share with another unless you truely want to. I
for myself see no need to unless you continue doing
the same wrong thing over and over again.
Some things in our lives arent meant to be aired
out to the world to know. In fact just coming here
to SR and sharing to total strangers uve never seen
before should have felt like the weight of the world
lifted off of you and maybe ur heart, mind and soul
lighter. What do you think?
of my understanding knows everything about
me before, during and after alcohol. By no means
am I a saint, nor perfect, nor wish to be. Being
raised as a Catholic, graduating Catholic HS, I
was taught the commandments and pretty sure
Ive broken just about all of them except I didnt
kill anyone. Well, i almost to myself when I hit rock
bottom the day family stepped in with intervention.
In early recovery there is no rush to make amends
or fix all the wrongs we have done in our lives. Being
honest in all our affairs doesnt mean we have to be
completely honest emmediately. And we dont have
to tell the world all the sins we have committed for the
rest of our lives either.
If i shared a sin to one other person and truely to the
best of my ability living the steps and principles set
down to us in recovery to not commit them again, then
i dont need to keep telling the world what wrongs ive
done.
If you share with one sponsor then you dont need
to share with another unless you truely want to. I
for myself see no need to unless you continue doing
the same wrong thing over and over again.
Some things in our lives arent meant to be aired
out to the world to know. In fact just coming here
to SR and sharing to total strangers uve never seen
before should have felt like the weight of the world
lifted off of you and maybe ur heart, mind and soul
lighter.
What do you think?
Member
Join Date: Apr 2011
Location: Washington
Posts: 879
Hi innerchild I am so sorry you had to go through that with your other sponsor. Loving another person, man or woman, is never a sin and the person who made that judgement of you had absolutely no business in doing so. God, how this issue hurts/frustrates me that anyone has to be judged on who they love in 2012.
I am not in AA, but I know I only reveal personal relationship stuff to those very few I really trust without a doubt. As you get stronger in your recovery you won't care what judgements others may harbour, but right now it is tough, isn't it? I'm happy you have a new sponsor.
You are doing really well, being thoughtful about this, and working on your sobriety! Good for you Best wishes to you.
I am so sorry you had to go through that with your other sponsor. Loving another person, man or woman, is never a sin and the person who made that judgement of you had absolutely no business in doing so. God, how this issue hurts/frustrates me that anyone has to be judged on who they love in 2012. I am not in AA, but I know I only reveal personal relationship stuff to those very few I really trust without a doubt. As you get stronger in your recovery you won't care what judgements others may harbour, but right now it is tough, isn't it? I'm happy you have a new sponsor.
You are doing really well, being thoughtful about this, and working on your sobriety! Good for you
Best wishes to you.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2010
Location: Indianapolis, IN
Posts: 889
Hi Innerchild,
This is a huge opportunity for growth I promise you. When we do our 4th and 5th steps we have to be completely honest. We don't worry about others' reactions. Remember, THESE STEPS ARE FOR US. By writing our resentments down and noting where we were wrong it will tell us who we are. By sharing this with another alcoholic it will humble us.
The BB instructs us to find someone we trust to take this step. The only question here is this:
Do you trust her?
If the answer is yes then move forward. Don't sugar coat it, don't minimize it, don't distract from the issue, say what's on your heart.
Steps 4 - 9 allow us to find out who we are and clear up our past. They allow us to look ourselves in the mirror. Leaving stuff out is trying to control people, places, and things, which is more of the same. That is what got all of us into this mess.
Be honest, pray, and be true to yourself. Remember, you are not alone.
I wish you the best!
This is a huge opportunity for growth I promise you. When we do our 4th and 5th steps we have to be completely honest. We don't worry about others' reactions. Remember, THESE STEPS ARE FOR US. By writing our resentments down and noting where we were wrong it will tell us who we are. By sharing this with another alcoholic it will humble us.
The BB instructs us to find someone we trust to take this step. The only question here is this:
Do you trust her?
If the answer is yes then move forward. Don't sugar coat it, don't minimize it, don't distract from the issue, say what's on your heart.
Steps 4 - 9 allow us to find out who we are and clear up our past. They allow us to look ourselves in the mirror. Leaving stuff out is trying to control people, places, and things, which is more of the same. That is what got all of us into this mess.
Be honest, pray, and be true to yourself. Remember, you are not alone.
I wish you the best!
sobriety date 5-2-12
Join Date: Jan 2012
Location: Midwest
Posts: 903
I am going to have to deal with something similar soon with my sponsor. I love her, but she is very conservative in her views. I am not- but I figure she is guiding me towards sobriety and the steps, not telling me how to vote. Anyway...
My drinking increased about 2-3 years ago. The same time my husband and I got into the swinging lifestyle. I was the one who led us there. At the time I had a great time- parties, drinking, sex, experimenting with women, etc. Looking back I used the excitement of it just like a drug. Drinking was a big part of it as was sexting, which is addictive.
I am nervous about sharing this with her. I shared it with my first sponsor but she was a bisexual former hippie so I knew she didn't have any issues with it.
I don't feel good about myself thinking back to that wild year. My husband is fine with it all, but it makes me feel icky.
I'm rambling now, but I've never looked at it in sobriety before. When using it was an exciting part of my life that made me "cool". Now, not so much.
As for you having a relationship with a woman. Love is love. To me gender is unimportant. You were finding out who you were and you won't know your sponsor's reaction until you tell her, but know that whatever her reaction is, is not who you are.
My drinking increased about 2-3 years ago. The same time my husband and I got into the swinging lifestyle. I was the one who led us there. At the time I had a great time- parties, drinking, sex, experimenting with women, etc. Looking back I used the excitement of it just like a drug. Drinking was a big part of it as was sexting, which is addictive.
I am nervous about sharing this with her. I shared it with my first sponsor but she was a bisexual former hippie so I knew she didn't have any issues with it.
I don't feel good about myself thinking back to that wild year. My husband is fine with it all, but it makes me feel icky.
I'm rambling now, but I've never looked at it in sobriety before. When using it was an exciting part of my life that made me "cool". Now, not so much.
As for you having a relationship with a woman. Love is love. To me gender is unimportant. You were finding out who you were and you won't know your sponsor's reaction until you tell her, but know that whatever her reaction is, is not who you are.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2012
Location: northern michigan. not the U.P.
Posts: 15,281
if a sponsor( or anyone else) judges you on your sexual orientation, thats pretty sick. no where in the BB does it say we have to do the 5th step with our sponsor.
We must be entirely honest with somebody if weexpect to live long or happily in this world. Rightly and naturally, we think well before we choose the person or persons with whom to take this intimate and confidential step. Those of us belonging to a religious denomination which requires confession must, and of course, will want to go to the properly appointed authority whose duty it is to receive it. Though we have no religious connection, we may still do well to talk with someone ordained by an established religion. We often find such a person quick to see and understand our problem. Of course, we sometimes encounter people who do not understand alcoholics.
If we cannot or would rather not do this, we search our acquaintance for a close-mouthed, understanding friend. Perhaps our doctor or psychologist will be the person. It may be one of our own family, but we cannot disclose anything to our wives or our parents which will hurt them and make them unhappy. We have no right to save our own skin at another person's expense. Such parts of our story we tell to someone who will understand, yet be unaffected. The rule is we must be hard on ourself, but always considerate of others.
Notwithstanding the great necessity for discussing ourselves with someone, it may be one is so situated that there is no suitable person available. If that is so, this step may be postponed, only, however, if we hold ourselves in complete readiness to go through with it at the first opportunity. We say this because we are very anxious that we talk to the right person. It is important that he be able to keep a confidence; that he fully understand and approve what we are driving at;that he will not try to change our plan. But we must not use this as a mere excuse to postpone.
When we decide who is to hear our story, we waste no time. We have a written inventory and we are prepared for a long talk. We explain to our partner what we are about to do and why we have to do it. He should realize that we are engaged upon a life-and-death errand. Most people approached in this way will be glad to help; they will be honored by our confidence.
We pocket our pride and go to it, illuminating every twist of character, every dark cranny of the past. Once we have taken this step, withholding nothing, we are delighted. We can look the world in the eye. We can be alone at perfect peace and ease. Our fears fall from us. We begin to feel the nearness of our Creator. We may have had certain spiritual beliefs, but now we begin to have a spiritual experience. The feeling that the drink problem has disappeared will often come strongly. We feel we are on the Broad Highway, walking hand in hand with the Spirit of the Universe.
so, this tell me the person only has to understand what we are doing. it also says that, in the case there is no suitable person to hear our story, we pray to our HP to put someone in our lives that we will be willing to do the 5th step with.
We must be entirely honest with somebody if weexpect to live long or happily in this world. Rightly and naturally, we think well before we choose the person or persons with whom to take this intimate and confidential step. Those of us belonging to a religious denomination which requires confession must, and of course, will want to go to the properly appointed authority whose duty it is to receive it. Though we have no religious connection, we may still do well to talk with someone ordained by an established religion. We often find such a person quick to see and understand our problem. Of course, we sometimes encounter people who do not understand alcoholics.
If we cannot or would rather not do this, we search our acquaintance for a close-mouthed, understanding friend. Perhaps our doctor or psychologist will be the person. It may be one of our own family, but we cannot disclose anything to our wives or our parents which will hurt them and make them unhappy. We have no right to save our own skin at another person's expense. Such parts of our story we tell to someone who will understand, yet be unaffected. The rule is we must be hard on ourself, but always considerate of others.
Notwithstanding the great necessity for discussing ourselves with someone, it may be one is so situated that there is no suitable person available. If that is so, this step may be postponed, only, however, if we hold ourselves in complete readiness to go through with it at the first opportunity. We say this because we are very anxious that we talk to the right person. It is important that he be able to keep a confidence; that he fully understand and approve what we are driving at;that he will not try to change our plan. But we must not use this as a mere excuse to postpone.
When we decide who is to hear our story, we waste no time. We have a written inventory and we are prepared for a long talk. We explain to our partner what we are about to do and why we have to do it. He should realize that we are engaged upon a life-and-death errand. Most people approached in this way will be glad to help; they will be honored by our confidence.
We pocket our pride and go to it, illuminating every twist of character, every dark cranny of the past. Once we have taken this step, withholding nothing, we are delighted. We can look the world in the eye. We can be alone at perfect peace and ease. Our fears fall from us. We begin to feel the nearness of our Creator. We may have had certain spiritual beliefs, but now we begin to have a spiritual experience. The feeling that the drink problem has disappeared will often come strongly. We feel we are on the Broad Highway, walking hand in hand with the Spirit of the Universe.
so, this tell me the person only has to understand what we are doing. it also says that, in the case there is no suitable person to hear our story, we pray to our HP to put someone in our lives that we will be willing to do the 5th step with.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2012
Location: minnesota
Posts: 272
i once heard prejudice explained this way: "you're different than me. that makes me uncomfortable. i will attack it" i think its fear that drives some people to judge. i have this notion that it would be so cool if everyone had to wear their inside on the outside...how many people would leave the house?
Guest
Join Date: Jun 2012
Posts: 557
Originally Posted by Innerchild 
The area I moved back to I was quick to leave after high school because of the close-mindedness of many of the people in this county. I can admit it on this board but saying it to my sponsor scares me but as I am approching for fourth and fifth step I need to be able to be honest.
Because of my past, I had a problem with being with men unless I was completely drunk for most pretty much my entire twenties. I thought I was gay and dated a girl for three years but she was very abusive to me and through this relationship I decided I was straight. Yeah, I am really screwed up in the head I know :rotfxko I can laugh about this.
Anyway, Ive kept it to myself for a long time and it sucks that my longest relationship I have to hide so I am not judged by people. It really hurts and I have resentments there so its obviously something I must bring up. Where I moved from it was more acceptable people were def more open minded and lived next door to "gay town". I also lived in NY before that and it was never a big deal either.
My first sponsor up here I allowed her to read the book Im writing after she told me that nothing I could say would ever make her judge me but when she read about my relationship with a woman she said straight out "Jesus forgives you!" Really??????? I wasnt expecting that. My God is non judgmental and and wouldnt need to forgive me.
So now I have to tell my second sponsor. She is pretty relaxed and doesnt seem to be closed minded at all. She would not say something like "Jesus forgives me" either but I am afraid to tell her. I am afraid if the rejection and being open about a part of my life that she may find some reason not to sponsor me anymore. I dont want to feel that rejection again?
Any advice?
Because of my past, I had a problem with being with men unless I was completely drunk for most pretty much my entire twenties. I thought I was gay and dated a girl for three years but she was very abusive to me and through this relationship I decided I was straight. Yeah, I am really screwed up in the head I know :rotfxko I can laugh about this.
Anyway, Ive kept it to myself for a long time and it sucks that my longest relationship I have to hide so I am not judged by people. It really hurts and I have resentments there so its obviously something I must bring up. Where I moved from it was more acceptable people were def more open minded and lived next door to "gay town". I also lived in NY before that and it was never a big deal either.
My first sponsor up here I allowed her to read the book Im writing after she told me that nothing I could say would ever make her judge me but when she read about my relationship with a woman she said straight out "Jesus forgives you!" Really??????? I wasnt expecting that. My God is non judgmental and and wouldnt need to forgive me.
So now I have to tell my second sponsor. She is pretty relaxed and doesnt seem to be closed minded at all. She would not say something like "Jesus forgives me" either but I am afraid to tell her. I am afraid if the rejection and being open about a part of my life that she may find some reason not to sponsor me anymore. I dont want to feel that rejection again?
Any advice?
I know a lot of people that have gone to others such as ministers etc. In your case, maybe going to some minister/pastor of a religeon that accepts all without judgement. Or you could even find someone you trust to do your 5th with that lives that lifestyle.
You could also maybe try to subtly find out the beliefs of your sponsor. Sort of pre-view how they feel about differing life styles.
I actually know of someone that more or less went through the exact same issues that you did. Her first husband abused her and as a result went the same direction you did.
It will work out. I know that some individuals believe that God has gone on holiday and appointed them to judge in His place, but not everyone is like that.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2009
Location: Kansas
Posts: 3,937
Originally Posted by Innerchild
The area I moved back to I was quick to leave after high school because of the close-mindedness of many of the people in this county........
Anyway, Ive kept it to myself for a long time and it sucks that my longest relationship I have to hide so I am not judged by people......
Any advice?
Anyway, Ive kept it to myself for a long time and it sucks that my longest relationship I have to hide so I am not judged by people......
Any advice?
Originally Posted by Innerchild
Because of my past, I had a problem with being with men unless I was completely drunk for most pretty much my entire twenties. I thought I was gay and dated a girl for three years but she was very abusive to me and through this relationship I decided I was straight
Member
Join Date: Aug 2010
Location: Indianapolis, IN
Posts: 889
Just a little more perspective on this. I thought the issue you were stuggling with was telling your sponsor that people in your town are close minded. That's how little I thought about you dating someone your own gender. LOL...
It's funny how fear works. I'm sure it took a lot of nerve to post what you did and I am reading it and I don't even pause when I hear what you said. Your sponsor may not either.
My biggest fears in life have never come true. Not once, ever...
It's funny how fear works. I'm sure it took a lot of nerve to post what you did and I am reading it and I don't even pause when I hear what you said. Your sponsor may not either.
My biggest fears in life have never come true. Not once, ever...
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