Having a hard time tonight
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2010
Posts: 1,292
Having a hard time tonight
I'm 3 months out of a very disturbing and destructive relationship, and know it was the best thing to happen, but I'm feeling so down tonight.
I know it took him less than 2 weeks to meet someone new, but I now here he is serious with her and not sure why, but I'm really upset.
He's going to use her, cheat on her, lie to her, cheat on again, but I'm still upset.
What the he*ll ????
I know it took him less than 2 weeks to meet someone new, but I now here he is serious with her and not sure why, but I'm really upset.
He's going to use her, cheat on her, lie to her, cheat on again, but I'm still upset.
What the he*ll ????
Member
Join Date: Jun 2011
Location: Texas
Posts: 266
big hugs!!! i'm sorry you're in pain, summer. try to remember that you have your peace and freedom tonight. i know it is painful thinking of them with someone new (i dread that day), but you KNOW the hell that that relationship will be. it may be *perfect* at the moment, but you have seen how it will end.
misty <3
misty <3
Member
Join Date: Feb 2011
Location: CA
Posts: 317
Its not serious. She's just what he is using to numb himself instead of facing reality. I know your pain...going through same with my separated AH. I have to remind myself its not about her...its about him being unhealthy. Keep busy and your support system around you. Prayers for you...
Lot Of Love Out There, Man.
Join Date: Mar 2012
Location: Missouri
Posts: 137
Give yourself time to heal. I was so in that hell hole a few years ago. It is now 20 months since my divorce and I know I have more growing to do. I refuse to be called or labeled codependent. I need some resemblance of my masculinity. Therefore, I am a glutton for punishment. 
The use, abuse, lies, stealing, manipulation . . . for me, the final straw was cheating. It may have happened more than once but the first time I discovered it, it was over. Today, I can look at it as “she is not my problem anymore”.
Eventually she is going to **** off the wrong guy, I do not care it is not my problem. The only concern I have is that my son does not end up in the middle of it himself. Eventually she is going to end up in jail, I do not care it is not my problem.
Being the glutton for punishment that I am, as soon as I start thinking I am fixed I will go find myself a partner that I think I can fix.
The use, abuse, lies, stealing, manipulation . . . for me, the final straw was cheating. It may have happened more than once but the first time I discovered it, it was over. Today, I can look at it as “she is not my problem anymore”.
Eventually she is going to **** off the wrong guy, I do not care it is not my problem. The only concern I have is that my son does not end up in the middle of it himself. Eventually she is going to end up in jail, I do not care it is not my problem.
Being the glutton for punishment that I am, as soon as I start thinking I am fixed I will go find myself a partner that I think I can fix.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2011
Posts: 329
I feel for you and I have been there! It's a horrible feeling! I too put my heart, soul, energy, money....everything into trying to make a relationship work and save him for over 4 yrs. Shame on me! The truth is I was used over and over! However as my mom use to say when I was growing up....what we permit...we promote! Ha, wish I had listened! Sometimes to get thru it....I say better her than me! I was in love with who he could have been or who I wanted him to be! Certainly not who he was or who he was behaving to be! The sad truth is he is a loving man but he lives deep in the dirt. He has learned to lie, cheat, harass,joined the ranks of being unemployed when in this area their in no reason in the world to be wo a job! He's lowered his standards to trash living, values, women. I could go on and on! Probable writing this for myself...sorry! But as much as I love he who could be this is how HE lives.....gets worse all the time! So I ask myself....really do you want those problems? HE-- NO but it still hurts. Rejection hurts but count your blessings. Hugs and healing to you. This too shall pass! This is a fact!
Member
Join Date: Oct 2006
Location: right here, right now
Posts: 6,516
Hey girlfriend,
You're going to have ups and downs. It's OK.
Know what I've done?
I've copied my favorite sayings from here (and from Al-Anon, but I frankly have more from here). I have them in my journal. And I have them plastered all over my fridge.
I'm having a rough time right now, too. A Buddhist friend said to me that if you're miserable, it will pass. And if you're incredibly happy, that will pass too. So don't get too hung up on how you're feeling -- enjoy when you can and let yourself be sad when you are. It will pass.
You're going to have ups and downs. It's OK.
Know what I've done?
I've copied my favorite sayings from here (and from Al-Anon, but I frankly have more from here). I have them in my journal. And I have them plastered all over my fridge.
I'm having a rough time right now, too. A Buddhist friend said to me that if you're miserable, it will pass. And if you're incredibly happy, that will pass too. So don't get too hung up on how you're feeling -- enjoy when you can and let yourself be sad when you are. It will pass.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2009
Location: Somewhere in the big ole' world....
Posts: 545
My ex was trolling dating sites within 2 weeks of our breakup. That really upset me but in retrospect, from what I saw and read, nothing had changed. He used a 7 year old picture, and said he was a social drinker.
I saw the ex about three weeks ago in the grocery store-as soon as he finished shopping, he headed right over to the liquor store. Yup, same old same old.
I've had those ups and downs as well, I think we all have, but it does pass. I found that keeping busy with things I enjoyed-reading, gardening, walking my dog helped lift my spirits. That, and my Al-Anon friends and meetings, coming here to post and read posts full of ESL.
Best thing about getting off of the crazy train-knowing that he was someone else's problem now, if someone else came into his life......
I saw the ex about three weeks ago in the grocery store-as soon as he finished shopping, he headed right over to the liquor store. Yup, same old same old.
I've had those ups and downs as well, I think we all have, but it does pass. I found that keeping busy with things I enjoyed-reading, gardening, walking my dog helped lift my spirits. That, and my Al-Anon friends and meetings, coming here to post and read posts full of ESL.
Best thing about getting off of the crazy train-knowing that he was someone else's problem now, if someone else came into his life......
Occasional poor taste poster
Join Date: Jul 2005
Posts: 2,542
Originally Posted by Summerpeach 
I know it took him less than 2 weeks to meet someone new
Originally Posted by Summerpeach
but I now hear he is serious with her
Member
Join Date: Sep 2008
Location: Wizard Land Downunder
Posts: 2,615
It does hurt, and can almost convince us that we are so dispensable, not worth much because we were so easily replaced and so quickly. Of course we are replaced like this because they are desperately in need of an enabler, a scapegoat for all their troubles and someone, ANYBODY to be there as they mostly cannot stand being alone.
Feel empathy for the poor woman who is where you were. She who is going to cop what you found intolerable and be driven into the same pain you are in....when she finds herself replaced by another.
Ask your HP for strength, gratitude and peace of mind to accept that he no longer able to make your life miserable (unless you let him), and that you can now make your life what you want it to be.
Feel empathy for the poor woman who is where you were. She who is going to cop what you found intolerable and be driven into the same pain you are in....when she finds herself replaced by another.
Ask your HP for strength, gratitude and peace of mind to accept that he no longer able to make your life miserable (unless you let him), and that you can now make your life what you want it to be.
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Join Date: Dec 2008
Posts: 10,944
I am sorry you are feeling so down right now, Summerpeach. From what you have shared about this man, I think it is a good thing that you are no longer with him. I feel bad for his new enabler/victim and hope she realizes what is happening, soon.
I hope you are feeling a bit better this morning!
I hope you are feeling a bit better this morning!
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2010
Posts: 1,292
Morning all and thanks.
Hydro, yes this guy was a total mess, my biggest mistake ever and my rock bottom.
I've been in 4 long term relationships, and each guy cheated on me. This last guy didn't cheat (or I just didn't catch him), but he would have cheated.
When he met me, he had a gf I didn't even know about.
She caught him cheating many times and stayed.
When he left her and came running to me, she was destroyed, but I cannot help but think she was thinking "now she can put up with his cr*p"
I knew full well who this guy was and what he was about. I knew he was pretty nuts. It was a "friends with benefits" gone on too long.
Truly, I never even loved him, this is why I'm baffled as to why I was so freaked out last night.
I did a lot of thinking last night and became more rational as I broke this down.
He's really the bottom of the barrel and has recycled women his entire life. But he's a diagnosed Anti Social and I should be more shocked at myself for even "being" with this guy.
My thoughts last night were about why I chose to be with a person like this.
He was the result of my weakened state from PTSD. When I was dx with PTSD, I sort of laughed because I thought only people who were in wars, raped, seriously abused could have this, but from what my ex's before this did to me, I see that my PTSD is very real and has effected my life, my judgement, my well being etc....
I grew up in a happy home, parents still married 56 yrs, great friends, always had my wits about me, but being an empath and codie, I always picked up the "strays" (animals and people) and this is where the madness began.
My ex who I was with for 5 yrs cheated on me, but before I caught him, I was on the crazy train to mental town with all his actions and lies.
He also hooked up with a few women days after I left.
Yes, these men are highly dysfunctional and all addicts with major personality disorders, and I get they just replace women to fill their never ending void, but since I am SO not like that, I project and cannot even imagine how someone can not love like I do.
Really, I am so broken from my past, I'm not really shocked I even chose to be around this last guy.
He told me on our first phone convo who he was and I knew he was not any sort of boyfriend material, but when you hang out with someone long enough, you just get comfy.
I would tell my friends daily "he was not long term and was fun for now"
But it was too hard for me to end it for good.
I care less today who he's going to screw over next because yes she will experience the same person I did, uncaring, cold, unemotional, cheap, heartless, lying and cheating......but I care more about why I would even think about associating with such a person.
It's not me to have accepted this sort of person in my life, it's never be me and I know my weakness and past damage brought me to this place.
My depression today is overwhelming
Hydro, yes this guy was a total mess, my biggest mistake ever and my rock bottom.
I've been in 4 long term relationships, and each guy cheated on me. This last guy didn't cheat (or I just didn't catch him), but he would have cheated.
When he met me, he had a gf I didn't even know about.
She caught him cheating many times and stayed.
When he left her and came running to me, she was destroyed, but I cannot help but think she was thinking "now she can put up with his cr*p"
I knew full well who this guy was and what he was about. I knew he was pretty nuts. It was a "friends with benefits" gone on too long.
Truly, I never even loved him, this is why I'm baffled as to why I was so freaked out last night.
I did a lot of thinking last night and became more rational as I broke this down.
He's really the bottom of the barrel and has recycled women his entire life. But he's a diagnosed Anti Social and I should be more shocked at myself for even "being" with this guy.
My thoughts last night were about why I chose to be with a person like this.
He was the result of my weakened state from PTSD. When I was dx with PTSD, I sort of laughed because I thought only people who were in wars, raped, seriously abused could have this, but from what my ex's before this did to me, I see that my PTSD is very real and has effected my life, my judgement, my well being etc....
I grew up in a happy home, parents still married 56 yrs, great friends, always had my wits about me, but being an empath and codie, I always picked up the "strays" (animals and people) and this is where the madness began.
My ex who I was with for 5 yrs cheated on me, but before I caught him, I was on the crazy train to mental town with all his actions and lies.
He also hooked up with a few women days after I left.
Yes, these men are highly dysfunctional and all addicts with major personality disorders, and I get they just replace women to fill their never ending void, but since I am SO not like that, I project and cannot even imagine how someone can not love like I do.
Really, I am so broken from my past, I'm not really shocked I even chose to be around this last guy.
He told me on our first phone convo who he was and I knew he was not any sort of boyfriend material, but when you hang out with someone long enough, you just get comfy.
I would tell my friends daily "he was not long term and was fun for now"
But it was too hard for me to end it for good.
I care less today who he's going to screw over next because yes she will experience the same person I did, uncaring, cold, unemotional, cheap, heartless, lying and cheating......but I care more about why I would even think about associating with such a person.
It's not me to have accepted this sort of person in my life, it's never be me and I know my weakness and past damage brought me to this place.
My depression today is overwhelming
Member
Join Date: Jan 2011
Posts: 1,243
Summerpeach,
You are doing the right thing by unraveling the past as it is the key to your future of true happiness and serenity!
Remember that red flags are NOT party favors to collect for yourself. Make a vow not to pick up any strays or even date "normies" until you are happy being you with just you!
The person we often really looking for you is "you"!
My keys to changing my attraction magnet from toxic dangerous men was counseling, alanon, reading this website daily and reading, reading, reading. Knowledge is power and when we apply it ... it changes everything.
And lastly... we believe we "love" someone and it is a "feeling" that is produced by chemicals... oxytocin, adrenaline, seratonin, hormones galore and our brains are hard wired to connect and stay connected.
Realizing our hormones and brain chemicals are not very smart and that we are basically completely screwed up when we want to stay connected to poisonous men is an enlightenment that helps us to untangle and move forward.
Love is an action verb. If we think we "love" men who are emotionally unavailable, completely untrustworthy and have serious character defects and flawed core values instead of men of high integrity and value systems who are completely trustworthy and "lovable" the problem is with our broken pickers!
So... identify the problem and fix the picker and don't do any picking until you pick YOU first!!!!
You are doing the right thing by unraveling the past as it is the key to your future of true happiness and serenity!
Remember that red flags are NOT party favors to collect for yourself. Make a vow not to pick up any strays or even date "normies" until you are happy being you with just you!
The person we often really looking for you is "you"!
My keys to changing my attraction magnet from toxic dangerous men was counseling, alanon, reading this website daily and reading, reading, reading. Knowledge is power and when we apply it ... it changes everything.
And lastly... we believe we "love" someone and it is a "feeling" that is produced by chemicals... oxytocin, adrenaline, seratonin, hormones galore and our brains are hard wired to connect and stay connected.
Realizing our hormones and brain chemicals are not very smart and that we are basically completely screwed up when we want to stay connected to poisonous men is an enlightenment that helps us to untangle and move forward.
Love is an action verb. If we think we "love" men who are emotionally unavailable, completely untrustworthy and have serious character defects and flawed core values instead of men of high integrity and value systems who are completely trustworthy and "lovable" the problem is with our broken pickers!
So... identify the problem and fix the picker and don't do any picking until you pick YOU first!!!!
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2010
Posts: 1,292
Thanks Hope......I know this, but been so hard for me to put into practice
I've been in Al Anon 3 yrs, therapy, read etc.....You think I would have applied most of this when I met this guy. I was hitting meetings ever week when I met him. ugh! to think!
I know I don't love him in any sense of the word. I cared about him and felt sorry for him like I do anyone who has had a hard life, but as far as love goes, I knew I didn't love him,
He was filling my void, my ego and my loneliness.
And why I feel sad he's with someone else is my ego, but still baffling since I should be jumping for joy that I got out of it
I've been in Al Anon 3 yrs, therapy, read etc.....You think I would have applied most of this when I met this guy. I was hitting meetings ever week when I met him. ugh! to think!
I know I don't love him in any sense of the word. I cared about him and felt sorry for him like I do anyone who has had a hard life, but as far as love goes, I knew I didn't love him,
He was filling my void, my ego and my loneliness.
And why I feel sad he's with someone else is my ego, but still baffling since I should be jumping for joy that I got out of it
Member
Join Date: May 2012
Posts: 1,295
Well I'm sure you have heard it before, but are you attracted to "bad boys" or broken people?
Why?
Do you want to rescue broken people, or do you want to get excitement from bad boys?
I don't know, I don't even surmise, I'm just saying you might want to ask yourself.
I think in my relationship with the exah, a broken person (me) looked for another broken person, so that 1) I could feel secure. 2) I wouldn't have the same challenges as being with a whole person, it would be "easier". 3)A broken person wouldn't call me out on my own shite. 4)A broken person wouldn't ask me the hard questions about myself because they didn't want the hard questions asked to them.
Hmmm...giving myself things to thiink about.
Why?
Do you want to rescue broken people, or do you want to get excitement from bad boys?
I don't know, I don't even surmise, I'm just saying you might want to ask yourself.
I think in my relationship with the exah, a broken person (me) looked for another broken person, so that 1) I could feel secure. 2) I wouldn't have the same challenges as being with a whole person, it would be "easier". 3)A broken person wouldn't call me out on my own shite. 4)A broken person wouldn't ask me the hard questions about myself because they didn't want the hard questions asked to them.
Hmmm...giving myself things to thiink about.
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Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: Kansas
Posts: 10,182
Originally Posted by Summerpeach
It's not me to have accepted this sort of person in my life, it's never be me and I know my weakness and past damage brought me to this place.
Part of recovery has been accepting who I am-the good, the bad, and the ugly!
Then I can decide what parts of me I need to work on and improve.
The one common denominator in all my marriages and relationships was me.
As I progressed in recovery from alcoholism/addictions, I would often remain without any semblance of a partner for periods of time, the longest being 4 years. I "thought" I was a healthier person for doing that.
The truth was I never even attempted to do the work on self that would heal my "broken-ness" and allow me to stop short-circuiting my feelings of vulnerability. I would engage in the harmful distractions of unhealthy relationships when I was always at my weakest. Sex was a huge part of that for me, and was deeply intertwined with my codependency.
I wish only the best for you, and hope you will find a quiet heart and contentment within self!
Sending you hugs of support.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2010
Posts: 1,292
Originally Posted by MadeOfGlass
Well I'm sure you have heard it before, but are you attracted to "bad boys" or broken people?
Why?
Do you want to rescue broken people, or do you want to get excitement from bad boys?
I don't know, I don't even surmise, I'm just saying you might want to ask yourself.
I think in my relationship with the exah, a broken person (me) looked for another broken person, so that 1) I could feel secure. 2) I wouldn't have the same challenges as being with a whole person, it would be "easier". 3)A broken person wouldn't call me out on my own shite. 4)A broken person wouldn't ask me the hard questions about myself because they didn't want the hard questions asked to them.
Hmmm...giving myself things to thiink about.
Why?
Do you want to rescue broken people, or do you want to get excitement from bad boys?
I don't know, I don't even surmise, I'm just saying you might want to ask yourself.
I think in my relationship with the exah, a broken person (me) looked for another broken person, so that 1) I could feel secure. 2) I wouldn't have the same challenges as being with a whole person, it would be "easier". 3)A broken person wouldn't call me out on my own shite. 4)A broken person wouldn't ask me the hard questions about myself because they didn't want the hard questions asked to them.
Hmmm...giving myself things to thiink about.
Also a little of the reasons you mentioned.
I have no issue when men call me out on my own stuff or ask me hard questions.
I actually think that's a great trait in a partner.
But I would have challenges with someone who isn't broken to be wondering about my issues.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2010
Posts: 1,292
Originally Posted by Freedom1990
In my life experiences with dysfunctional relationships and men, I didn't start healing and making better choices until I fully accepted that was who I was at the time. That had been me for far too many years.
Part of recovery has been accepting who I am-the good, the bad, and the ugly!
Then I can decide what parts of me I need to work on and improve.
The one common denominator in all my marriages and relationships was me.
As I progressed in recovery from alcoholism/addictions, I would often remain without any semblance of a partner for periods of time, the longest being 4 years. I "thought" I was a healthier person for doing that.
The truth was I never even attempted to do the work on self that would heal my "broken-ness" and allow me to stop short-circuiting my feelings of vulnerability. I would engage in the harmful distractions of unhealthy relationships when I was always at my weakest. Sex was a huge part of that for me, and was deeply intertwined with my codependency.
I wish only the best for you, and hope you will find a quiet heart and contentment within self!
Sending you hugs of support.
Part of recovery has been accepting who I am-the good, the bad, and the ugly!
Then I can decide what parts of me I need to work on and improve.
The one common denominator in all my marriages and relationships was me.
As I progressed in recovery from alcoholism/addictions, I would often remain without any semblance of a partner for periods of time, the longest being 4 years. I "thought" I was a healthier person for doing that.
The truth was I never even attempted to do the work on self that would heal my "broken-ness" and allow me to stop short-circuiting my feelings of vulnerability. I would engage in the harmful distractions of unhealthy relationships when I was always at my weakest. Sex was a huge part of that for me, and was deeply intertwined with my codependency.
I wish only the best for you, and hope you will find a quiet heart and contentment within self!
Sending you hugs of support.
I work on myself daily....
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Join Date: May 2008
Posts: 1,049
Is it possible that you are giving too much credit to "being a fixer?" Based on what I've been reading, I don't see anything to indicate that you have fixed anyone. Sorry to just lay it out SP, but give yourself the gift of fixing yourself. I say this not in a mean spirited way, but there is a pattern that you recognize, yet you keep throwing out being a fixer as your excuse. Have you even asked any of these men if they wanted to be fixed?
To thine own self be true.
Join Date: May 2009
Location: U.S.A.
Posts: 5,924
They have to have someone else to focus on, to blame, and to use to support them, so that they do not have to look at themselves and what $hitty things they have done.
I know it hurts, I'm going through the same thing. But you pick yourself up by your bootstraps and you keep on keepin on.
I know it hurts, I'm going through the same thing. But you pick yourself up by your bootstraps and you keep on keepin on.
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