emeraldsea

I had a horrible morning, crying and crying at my desk. Not just about ABF, but about the state of my work. I had a better afternoon. Took a walk, bought groceries, had dinner with the group of researchers living in this house with me. Had some laughs with some new friends.

Then hours of silence and solitude after dinner. Feeling more and more scared and lonely. I start obsessing...

Just now after midnight here in Europe, I decided that I just had to call the detox center in the US where my boyfriend is. He has now been there two days and I haven't called though he had passed along the number. I decided I had to speak with him.

I have felt like a traitor for not having called him yet. before he went in, he had said how sad he would be to not be able to speak with me for the days of detox and I had assured him that I could call through Skype if I got the number. Well, I have the number and havent called. That triggers the guilt.

The person answering the patient phone-line very nicely said that the group is all in AA and will be back in an hour. I thanked her, hung up and burst into tears. i dont want to call back.

I am now sick to my stomach. Why? Why do I feel so guilty for not calling and now guilty for calling? Why do I feel like I have betrayed myself?

Out of habit, I just went back to my favorite device for torturing myself by googling his ex-wife. Out of anxiety. There is not even anything interesting about her online. For what purpose? Why do I do this to myself? To keep some connection? To torment myself?

What did I even expect from the call to him? What could he say? I am just so sad.

I am craving comfort I think, and am suffering because he cant give that now because he needs to focus on himself. It is not fair to ask him to support me, because he is doing what he needs to do.

Yet I dont know how to give what I need to myself. I am very far away from my close friends and family and feel very scared and alone.

gerryP

Emeraldsea I'm so sorry that you are suffering. However, from what I'm reading, what you describe I think has little to do with your boyfriend. Have you seen a Dr or therapist to discuss your anxiety issues in general? Your BF's absence is the symptom of a problem. Perhaps the cause needs to be addressed and treated (IMHO)

As far as reaching your BF while in treatment-don't think that's fair to him. Sorry.

emeraldsea

gerryP- thanks and maybe I am misunderstanding your response. Of course I have my own issues in life that have nothing to do with him, and dealing his alcoholism during the relationship has played the role of distracting me from my own issues. Him going away takes away that distraction from myself. I realize I have to deal with those feelings. I recognize that I need to focus on myself now. I came to this site for guidance because I have a hard time doing that.

But I disagree that my crying last night had nothing at all to do with him or his alcoholism or his being in treatment.

The reason I started posting on this forum this week is because I am having a hard time with the whole experience of him going into treatment. Prior to that, I came to this site because I had a hard time living with him as an alcoholic.

Why wouldn't it be typical that I have a strong reaction to my BF going into detox? To have mixed up feelings about it? From reading others' posts, this seems like a fairly common experience here.

Regarding calling him, my boyfriend asked me to contact him when in treatment. I would understand and probably agree deep down if you had said it would be healthier for both of us to have some distance during his treatment, but to say it's not fair seems to imply that I was calling out of dump my own problems on him while he is in treatment.

I was never planning to do that. Nor, in truth, did I really want to talk to him because I feel conflicted about him right now. Instead, maybe in a codie way, I felt obligated to call him to see how he was doing because he had asked me to in advance and I had promised that I would. And I was worried that he would be in there feeling abandoned by me. And somehow his feelings seemed more important than the fact that calling im would upset me.

The reason I felt so distraught last night was that I was that I realize he is focusing on himself, and he cannot be there for me right now. That is just the way it is. And yet I feel angry because I feel like I have not gotten my needs met due to his drinking and am now not getting them met because of his treatment.

And btw, yes, I have been in years and years of therapy, since I was a depressed first grader, and now have both a regular psychotherapist and a psychiatrist.

However, I dont have access to those services now because I am out of the country for the summer. (Not that it would matter anyway--as a student, i am now in therapy through my university health services. They do not provide counseling over the summer, though I do continue to take my antidepressants.)

Being out of my own country and away from those close to me has made me feel more alone during this time of crisis with my boyfriend. It pushed me to start posting here.

I went online and found an English language Al-Anon meeting here that meets tomorrow night, so I plan to go to that. It will be my first and I am a bit nervous.

But anyone else's thoughts on how to manage the feelings and take care of yourself while someone else seeks treatment would be welcome.

thanks again.

BlueSkies1

I think your feelings are perfectly normal.
I also think you are in a place that since you know that he is being taken care of by the detox center, that finally you don't have to worry about him. That may put you in an odd place...enjoying not worrying about him and also worried that you are no longer needed by him. You may also have to work through conflicting feelings about whether you want the relationship back once he is out of detox.
There's lots of emotions there and they are all valid.
I would choose the emotion that says YES--let somebody else take care of him for awhile, and let him learn to take care of himself...this is like vacation time for me!
Or any other upbeat positive way you can look at all of this...!