BlueSkies1

Hello, I've been posting for a little over a week, but never started a thread. I've lurked and read now and then for a few years.
Maybe it's time I really started to understand my own actions.
I have a lot of anger, and with that, depression.

My EXAH was highly functional, made excellent wages, paid all his bills on time, did all the cooking, did all the laundry, went to work everyday, never drank and drove, never had a DUI or in trouble with the law, pampered me with vacations and gifts, is highly intelligent and educated...and had a custom-made full liquor cabinet.
Wow...dream husband almost, yes?

Things get twisted now explaining the rest.
He told me often he liked pampering me. I could be the princess, he would slay the dragons.
Then I found out about his online sex habit which he wouldn't be honest discussing with me. I became extremely depressed and infuriated, as we were newly married, and I certainly was an enthusiastic partner. Much drama followed for years.
Eventually I figured out that he was an alcoholic, and that it was not simply us enjoying a "few cocktails" as he romanticized alcohol, at the end of the day. He only was a drunk at home...everyday after work, sometimes a little before work, and all day Sat. and Sun. Socially at parties where many people would get drunk (including myself a few times) he was on his best behavior and was the designated driver and let me drink more than him. He really had his system down pat. He never missed work, having a very responsible work ethic.

This went on for better part of a decade, then I divorced him, then went back twice, then left again not too long ago.
My part in the madness:
Since I was angry, since he was a control freak, since he wanted to slay the dragons yet lied to me continuously about his online activities and was drunk nearly everyday, I rebelled. I decided subconsciously--ok, he wants to be in control and the hero of everything, fine! I will sit back and let him do everything. I won't be responsible for anything--as some way of crying out to him that things were NOT ok.
I went so far as to self-sabotage my independent finances rather severely, my credit is destroyed. He didn't make me do that--I did it because he reminded me that x bill was due, and the parental way he went about it made me rebel. I realize this is twisted, but this was how I tried to frustrate him back since he frustrated me constantly with his behaviors, and I must say, I was definitely successful at frustrating him back.
I realize this story is very unlike most people here, and I think this is why it has been difficult to post it.
But there has to be some similarites in the dysfunctional ways that codies react, even if I was not the hero saving the day--some odd role reversal in which the alcoholic was the codie saving the day. Honestly--the way he took control of all things related to responsibility--it was as if he set me up to be a slacker. I know this is twisted, I know I know...I am trying to understand it. Why didn't he insist that I contribute? Wait, he did ask for me to contribute, then would say just the opposite...I am confused understanding this dynamic.

To my bad credit, (pun intended) I wouldn't let him financially save me or pay my bills, even though he made ten times as much as me. I am in some trouble now as I refused to go back, refused to let him save the day financially, as the alcoholism has never been addressed, and the online addiction has never been openly and honestly discussed.
We are divorced, so what is mine is now all mine to deal with...so financial and surely other issues such as emotional, I own alone.

I have not fixed my finances. I realize time is limited on certain things or I will be worse off than ever, and I actually look forward to this deadline because I know it will force me into action. I realize that I avoid thinking about my financial issues, rather out of sight, out of mind.
I need to sober up financially. I have the ability, I have the skills, but I freeze.

I just don't understand myself...and I don't understand a lot of what transpired in the marriage. Who was the addict and who was the codie are all messed up...and it is confusing.

Hypatia

I can understand a bit about what you're saying. When I first moved to a foreign country where I didn't know the language or even how to do some of the simplest things, I let myself become quite dependent on my AH. Since he was high functioning, and I was in denial, it seemed like the most natural thing in the world. It was his home country so he knew the language and how everything worked. For me it felt like an endless vacation paradise, exploring and travelling and being able to not work and focus on hobbies and interests. I was the princess with my knight in shining armour who took me away and we were going to live happily every after.

And life was quite good for a while, until my rose tinted glasses started slipping. I've discovered that I was living in an illusion of my own making.

While my husband was (and remains) addicted to alcohol, I let myself get addicted to a fairy tale. Most little girls grow up hearing at least a few of them, where the helpless princess gets rescued by a handsome prince and they live happily ever after. Think Cinderella, or Snow White. Well I'm tired of being the "Sleeping Beauty", and have decided instead that a better role model for me is "Dorothy" or "Gretel".

I could try to create a crisis in the hopes that my AH might somehow wake up and realise that I need him to come and rescue me. Or find some other knight in shining armour. But I've realised that it is finally time that I broke out of the "helpless" role I've created and rescue myself.

I've started my battle against the wicked witch. Just have to be a little careful that I don't turn into one.

Fathom

For the last few years of being with my STBXAH, I had been perfecting ostrich behavior - head in the sand... fingers in the ears, "la, la, la, la." I developed a bunch of slacker behaviors. I'm not sure I was really rebelling against him as much as I just no longer wanted to face any kind of reality. I was actually still really in denial about his alcoholism, but I guess subconsciously, I knew something was up. I started playing hours and hours of video games, never exercised, and only worked when I really had to. I was so frustrated and could no longer deal. It felt a bit like extreme burnout.

Well, now that I'm on my own and making my decisions for me, I'm reminding myself that I used to have a lot healthier behaviors. And, that when I'm allowed to make my decisions on my own time, I'm no longer excessively frustrated. I was definitely in a major funk for a few months, and I still have my moments. But, it has gotten a lot better.

I love the advice I hear on here all the time. Be gentle with yourself.

Hugs,
Fathom

Learn2Live

Thank you for sharing that fathom. I was in something similar.

outonalimb

I'm glad you finally posted!!

The dymanics of my relationship with exah were VERY different than yours...he wasn't the 'provider'...I was. He wasn't the dragon-slayer and protector...I was. But even though our roles were different, the underlying issues were probably the same. I resented the hell out of my exah...that he couldn't be a better husband and father. I resented the fact that he was always pulling us under financially instead of lifting us up. He didn't take burdens off my shoulders...he added to them...in a BIG way.

The underlying theme seems to be resentment. you resented your Ah so you neglected your own needs. I did the same thing. My financial situation deteriorated to the point where I had to file bankruptcy to get out from under the debt I accumulated trying to keep our family afloat while he ran around spending money on booze, drugs and incurring huge legal fees for his behavior.

By the time I left, I was in financial ruins. Had to rebuild everything from scratch. I completely understand the financial aspect of what your saying even if we got to that point from different angles.

I know its overwhelming but sit down and make a plan for yourself. That's what I did. I tackled one thing at a time. Slowly...gradually...I dug myself out of my hole. It CAN be done. Fixing the financial mess is the easy part. Healing the emotional wounds that came with being in relationship with an alcoholic/addict was the hard part. Al anon has helped me more than I can possibly say.

Keep posting...keep venting...
You're on the path to recovery and healing...

Mary

BlueSkies1

Yeah, that is why I posted and related to your thread. Do you think these men cut a bad deal with us--keep your head in the sand about my addictions and I will take care of you? Seems that way, as if...just don't rock the boat on my addictions and I will take care of you. Mess with my addictions and all deals are off.

There's that too, you are right. Burnout. Or maybe frozen to act. I keep waiting for not exactly the other shoe to drop, but some kind of crisis. As if I can't act until there is one. Well one is looming some months ahead financially for me, and I'd like to act BEFORE the crisis is severe.

Thanks Mary, Yes, resentment indeed. I sabotaged my own finances because of resentment toward him. He couldn't control me--I'd show him! He couldn't make me pay my bills on time. It was the only place i seemed to have any power. Well I cut off my own nose to spite my face.
Underneath that is a whole lotta pain.
Now to stop being frozen, a slacker, or waiting for a crisis to act.
Last night I had a good friend give me a lot of encouragement. That has propelled me into some action today. Could the answer really be that simple?
Encouragement?
That would mean belief in myself when it came to acting from my own initiative....which would mean I lack belief in myself.
I don't buy into the AA philosophy, and want to distance myself from the alcoholic who is now an x as much as possible by avoiding all connections to the disease, Yet here I am, lol...looking for kindred spirits on a codependency forum. Those who haven't been there don't understand anything except that I lowered the standards bar, over and over again, for somebody else.

dancingnow

MOG, like you I also had to deal with my AH lies not only about A but his porn addiction and I am beginning to think the lies about the porn affected me the most and I still have anger, resentment and loss of self because of it.

As I pursue recovery from the affects of alcoholism, I keep feeling what you mentioned, a lack of belief in myself. I have started to work on myself in other ways, other than alanon and have been reading books on mindfulness and trying some EFT to dispel some of thoughts that pop in to my head because of what I deem my AH betrayal.

For me once the A came to light I felt there were "steps" I could take to recover from the effects but having the other stuff come to light leaves me feeling trampled on, humiliated and betrayed. The alcoholism took up center stage for so long and now that my AH is abstaining it's the other stuff that is creating havoc for me.

I am hoping my recovery journey will help me in this also.

(((HUGS))) to you MOG. Leave yesterday behind, have courage to heal and look for guidance from your HP to help resolve your financial future.

SuzyMarie

M of g, I am so glad you have started to post here. I can relate to so much of what you say. I don't think your story is unlike most here. I feel that my ex was definitely codependent as well as addicted. For the first half of the relationship, I did carry the financial burden. We did not live together but anything we ever did I paid for, etc. Eventually, he moved in with me and started carrying half the responsibilities and at one point was the main bread winner. I can so relate to self sabotaging behaviors and slacking. For me, I think because I developed such resentments toward him I not only took it out on him, but myself, too. And the more I was a seething ball of rage, the more he'd kiss my ass. It was sick. I let him take over things that I had done myself for years...he did the laundry, made the beds, did the major housework, maintained the yard, the cars, he would cook at times, do the grocery shopping with me. Honestly, he did a lot of it because he was a control freak as well and I was at the point of such self neglect, I didn't have half the energy I used to have (and that I have back now). Then he would throw it in my face..."look at all I do, what would you do without me?" It was just a sick, sick dynamic and I have been doing so much self examination the last several months my head is going to explode! Anyway, I hope that made some sense and I am glad you are sharing here.