Dealing with a recovering alcoholic
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Join Date: Jul 2012
Location: fl
Posts: 8
Dealing with a recovering alcoholic
Hi everyone:
I am new here and very happy to have discovered this forum.
I will try and be brief.
My boyfriend of the past 10 yrs is a recovering alcoholic with 6 yrs of sobriety. It has not been an easy road for either of us but I am very happy that he is changing his life. Alcoholism runs in his family. He did a 30 day treatment program, and a brief stint of AA meetings. He does not do anything in the way of "support" since he felt that AA meetings really didn't "do" anything for him. Although the alcohol addiction has been curbed, he has been slowing developing other addictions to replace it like gambling, compulsively watching TV, including CSPAN (really...he couldn't pick something better than that! Just kidding) and constantly eating candy.
I am a medical professional and I do understand the addictive personality. I did go to ALANON but I really don't enjoy public speaking infront of a group of strangers..I am kindof introverted that way. However, I have sought private psychological help for myself and realize that I am not the problem, and that I can only be responsible for my own actions etc.
I have tried to be supportive but not enabling. What I am concerned with now is that I feel we have absolutely no relationship at all. We have not had sex in ( I really had to admit this) 5 years! We don't really do anything together outside the house. When I gently and tactfully suggest things to do he complains he is too tired. The only thing that excites him is the next big horse race (gambling) or obsessively using the remote control.
I have suggested counselling either separately or together or both in the past but that has never materialized and so I have backed off it b/c I don't want to nag. I amuse myself and do my own thing without him. However, I think now that we are nothing more than "roomates". I really do love him, however, I don't know how or if I should proceed.
Maybe it would be better if I left him? Sometimes I think that me just being here with him is enabling him.
Does anyone have a similar experience or insight to share. I know you cannot tell me what to do but I just want some insight.
Thanks again
I am new here and very happy to have discovered this forum.
I will try and be brief.
My boyfriend of the past 10 yrs is a recovering alcoholic with 6 yrs of sobriety. It has not been an easy road for either of us but I am very happy that he is changing his life. Alcoholism runs in his family. He did a 30 day treatment program, and a brief stint of AA meetings. He does not do anything in the way of "support" since he felt that AA meetings really didn't "do" anything for him. Although the alcohol addiction has been curbed, he has been slowing developing other addictions to replace it like gambling, compulsively watching TV, including CSPAN (really...he couldn't pick something better than that! Just kidding) and constantly eating candy.
I am a medical professional and I do understand the addictive personality. I did go to ALANON but I really don't enjoy public speaking infront of a group of strangers..I am kindof introverted that way. However, I have sought private psychological help for myself and realize that I am not the problem, and that I can only be responsible for my own actions etc.
I have tried to be supportive but not enabling. What I am concerned with now is that I feel we have absolutely no relationship at all. We have not had sex in ( I really had to admit this) 5 years! We don't really do anything together outside the house. When I gently and tactfully suggest things to do he complains he is too tired. The only thing that excites him is the next big horse race (gambling) or obsessively using the remote control.
I have suggested counselling either separately or together or both in the past but that has never materialized and so I have backed off it b/c I don't want to nag. I amuse myself and do my own thing without him. However, I think now that we are nothing more than "roomates". I really do love him, however, I don't know how or if I should proceed.
Maybe it would be better if I left him? Sometimes I think that me just being here with him is enabling him.
Does anyone have a similar experience or insight to share. I know you cannot tell me what to do but I just want some insight.
Thanks again
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Join Date: Feb 2012
Location: Ireland
Posts: 202
Hi emeraldeyes
Welcome to SR! My situation is partly similar to yours, in that my AH and I lead totally separate lives. Unfortunately mine is a full-blown active A with no intention of looking for a way out. For almost the last 2 years we have led completely separate lives - a bit like you say, we are two lodgers sharing a house, with no interaction of any kind.
We will "celebrate" (ahem) our 5th wedding anniversary this Friday, and in 5 years I estimate we have slept together maybe 15 times, and that includes our honeymoon. We have been in separate bedrooms most of those years, initially due to his snoring, but obviously I became aware with time that the cause of course was secret drinking.
I made my decision a long time ago that the relationship was well and truly over. How can two people who don't even interact have any future if one party is not willing to work on it? I get the feeling from your post that you probably know the answer to your question, but are afraid to make that move. That is what has happened to me. I have become paralysed by fear - fear of being alone, fear of not meeting someone (not that I have someone now), fear of what will happen to him, and so much more. Finally I am realising and accepting that my life is going nowhere and that it is time to get my life back. I want to give myself the chance to be my own person, to be able to be honest with people about my life, and maybe someday to meet someone and have the life I hoped for when I first met AH.
This forum is an incredible help - it is almost as good as Al Anon. I understand why you might find Al Anon difficult, but would suggest that if you can that you keep trying it. You are not in any way obliged to speak at a meeting, and if you're uncomfortable at one meeting you could always try other locations. It has truly kept me sane since I started in January.
Keep coming back here, keep posting, vent if you need to, and read, read, read.
Adventure
Welcome to SR! My situation is partly similar to yours, in that my AH and I lead totally separate lives. Unfortunately mine is a full-blown active A with no intention of looking for a way out. For almost the last 2 years we have led completely separate lives - a bit like you say, we are two lodgers sharing a house, with no interaction of any kind.
We will "celebrate" (ahem) our 5th wedding anniversary this Friday, and in 5 years I estimate we have slept together maybe 15 times, and that includes our honeymoon. We have been in separate bedrooms most of those years, initially due to his snoring, but obviously I became aware with time that the cause of course was secret drinking.
I made my decision a long time ago that the relationship was well and truly over. How can two people who don't even interact have any future if one party is not willing to work on it? I get the feeling from your post that you probably know the answer to your question, but are afraid to make that move. That is what has happened to me. I have become paralysed by fear - fear of being alone, fear of not meeting someone (not that I have someone now), fear of what will happen to him, and so much more. Finally I am realising and accepting that my life is going nowhere and that it is time to get my life back. I want to give myself the chance to be my own person, to be able to be honest with people about my life, and maybe someday to meet someone and have the life I hoped for when I first met AH.
This forum is an incredible help - it is almost as good as Al Anon. I understand why you might find Al Anon difficult, but would suggest that if you can that you keep trying it. You are not in any way obliged to speak at a meeting, and if you're uncomfortable at one meeting you could always try other locations. It has truly kept me sane since I started in January.
Keep coming back here, keep posting, vent if you need to, and read, read, read.
Adventure
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Join Date: Jul 2012
Location: Nj
Posts: 195
On the candy note I have heard that candy is helpful in recovery. My grandfather has been sober since I was born and has a crazy sweet tooth. My ABF is currently in treatment and during his last stint in the hospital (few months ago where he decided to get serious) he ordered $250 worth of candy online...advice he had gotten from his substance abuse therapist
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Join Date: Jul 2012
Location: Nj
Posts: 195
it is also very common for them to replace the addiction with something else. My grandfather picked up smoking and diet pepsi. you can usually find him with one of the two in his hand. Is it ideal? no, probably not...but people that become addicts normally have an addictive personality so when they get rid of one they need to replace it with another.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2012
Location: fl
Posts: 8
I appreciate your input Adventure and Kate5858. The "candy" addiction really doesn't bother me since my AH is actually in good physical condition believe it or not! But he does go thru a lot of chocolate and Mike and Ike's....
Adventure, thank you for your thoughts. Yes those things about living did cross my mind. I am not afraid to be on my own but I guess I feel b/c I am a veterinarian and have been trained to "fix" things that I should be able to "fix" the relationship part too. None of my friends have any direct or indirect exposure to alcoholism and most think it has to do with no willpower vs alcoholism being a true disease. And they fail to understand how it truly alters a person or those around them and that is a true chemical dependence.
I watched an interview on tv of a famous Jockey's wife who said about her husband and alcoholism, "I had to wait for the good person I knew he was to come back". I guess that I just want to give him that chance. I don't know if that is stupid or not but.....how long do you wait?? I guess that is the real issue.
Adventure, thank you for your thoughts. Yes those things about living did cross my mind. I am not afraid to be on my own but I guess I feel b/c I am a veterinarian and have been trained to "fix" things that I should be able to "fix" the relationship part too. None of my friends have any direct or indirect exposure to alcoholism and most think it has to do with no willpower vs alcoholism being a true disease. And they fail to understand how it truly alters a person or those around them and that is a true chemical dependence.
I watched an interview on tv of a famous Jockey's wife who said about her husband and alcoholism, "I had to wait for the good person I knew he was to come back". I guess that I just want to give him that chance. I don't know if that is stupid or not but.....how long do you wait?? I guess that is the real issue.
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Join Date: Jan 2012
Location: new moon road
Posts: 1,545
I think 6 months with a marriage and family therapist is a good place to start to address the relationship problems. If he refuses to attend couples counseling with you, then I think that is grounds for leaving him.
His behaviors are escapist but the word "addiction" to describe the gambling and channel surfing may not be accurate. Addiction is defined by complete loss of control and continued use in spite of severe negative consequences. People with ADD have similar behaviors that are not addictions, though certainly compulsive. And people with depression also can behave in similar fashion.
If you start with couples counseling, more answers could come from a professional, and you'd feel less confused and could make a decision to stay or go with more clarity. If you leave confused, you are likely to drift back, still confused.
His behaviors are escapist but the word "addiction" to describe the gambling and channel surfing may not be accurate. Addiction is defined by complete loss of control and continued use in spite of severe negative consequences. People with ADD have similar behaviors that are not addictions, though certainly compulsive. And people with depression also can behave in similar fashion.
If you start with couples counseling, more answers could come from a professional, and you'd feel less confused and could make a decision to stay or go with more clarity. If you leave confused, you are likely to drift back, still confused.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2012
Location: fl
Posts: 8
Hi EnglishGarden,
Thank you for your thoughts. I agree that his behaviour could be a sign of depression and/or ADD.
However, I think that spending every last dime on internet gambling after living expenses are paid EVERY weekend starting on Friday at 5pm and ending on Sunday,or Saturday if the money runs out before then, is at least bordering on addictive. Damn internet!
And, I cannot even talk to him if the TV is on.....even during commercials he is glued to the TV. I literally cannot be in the same room to watch TV b/c he constantly flips the channels.....not just during commercial breaks but about every 5-10 minutes while watching a TV show. This may just be obsessive, ADD similar to people who compulsively play videogames. However, if it starts to affect your life and relationships isn't that a negative consequence and therefore an addiction?
I guess that is something to explore with a therapist. Thank you for bringing up the ADD/depression possibility.
Thank you for your thoughts. I agree that his behaviour could be a sign of depression and/or ADD.
However, I think that spending every last dime on internet gambling after living expenses are paid EVERY weekend starting on Friday at 5pm and ending on Sunday,or Saturday if the money runs out before then, is at least bordering on addictive. Damn internet!
And, I cannot even talk to him if the TV is on.....even during commercials he is glued to the TV. I literally cannot be in the same room to watch TV b/c he constantly flips the channels.....not just during commercial breaks but about every 5-10 minutes while watching a TV show. This may just be obsessive, ADD similar to people who compulsively play videogames. However, if it starts to affect your life and relationships isn't that a negative consequence and therefore an addiction?
I guess that is something to explore with a therapist. Thank you for bringing up the ADD/depression possibility.
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Join Date: Jan 2012
Location: new moon road
Posts: 1,545
Well, my kitty compulsively collects moss "mousies" off my neighbor's roof. 
The other defining factor of addiction is, of course, dishonesty to protect the behavior.
A good psychologist can help figure things out.
But the purpose of couples counseling will naturally be to heal problems in the relationship that are at an impasse now. When you share your feelings of loneliness, social isolation, need for physical affection and sexual relationship....the counselor will offer solutions, exercises in communicating and relating, and how you and your partner approach this work will determine whether the union can continue. It is a gradual process and I would allow 6 months for the ups and downs. If you stop too soon, it could be a mistake. Women respond more quickly to counseling, in general, than men do, as well. And a man with addictive disease is not great at relationship anyway and needs some help in that area. Willingness to learn is everything.
I would simply be open to the divine spirit in the counseling room, and humble to learn and grow. I very much hope you and your partner give it a go.
The other defining factor of addiction is, of course, dishonesty to protect the behavior.
A good psychologist can help figure things out.
But the purpose of couples counseling will naturally be to heal problems in the relationship that are at an impasse now. When you share your feelings of loneliness, social isolation, need for physical affection and sexual relationship....the counselor will offer solutions, exercises in communicating and relating, and how you and your partner approach this work will determine whether the union can continue. It is a gradual process and I would allow 6 months for the ups and downs. If you stop too soon, it could be a mistake. Women respond more quickly to counseling, in general, than men do, as well. And a man with addictive disease is not great at relationship anyway and needs some help in that area. Willingness to learn is everything.
I would simply be open to the divine spirit in the counseling room, and humble to learn and grow. I very much hope you and your partner give it a go.
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Join Date: Apr 2012
Location: northern michigan. not the U.P.
Posts: 15,281
the one thing i can comment on is about the aa meetings not doin anything for him. well of course they wont. going to meetings and not drinking doesnt treat alcoholism. i am sure that with every other method of recovery there is action and change. with out them, a person either gets drunk or lives as a dry drunk.
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Join Date: Dec 2011
Posts: 148
In all my dealings with my ex, I sometimes have to remind myself that all of the things I didn't like about our relationship...may have nothing at all to do with him being an alcoholic.
Sometimes...it really sucks to think about that.
As he has entered into, exited and re-entered recovery...there are some things I really DON'T like and I'm starting to wonder if they are just who he IS. I have to ask myself, even if there was zero addiction, is this still a relationship I would want??
I'm not sure if you can relate. But that's what this post made me think of.
Sometimes...it really sucks to think about that.
As he has entered into, exited and re-entered recovery...there are some things I really DON'T like and I'm starting to wonder if they are just who he IS. I have to ask myself, even if there was zero addiction, is this still a relationship I would want??
I'm not sure if you can relate. But that's what this post made me think of.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2012
Location: fl
Posts: 8
Thanks again EnglishGarden,
I hope that we both can go to counselling. I know that I need to work on some relationship issues too and I am sure that it would be very insightful and useful for both of us.
I do believe that your kitty is not suffering from addiction....just normal kitty mania or maybe your neighbor sprinkles their roof moss with catnip.
And RedCandle, thank you for your thoughts. I basically love my boyfriend...we all have annoying traits and habits. But there wasn't really anything major that I cannot stand except the avoidance/escape issue right now. Of course that is a big one if we cannot resolve it!
I hope that we both can go to counselling. I know that I need to work on some relationship issues too and I am sure that it would be very insightful and useful for both of us.
I do believe that your kitty is not suffering from addiction....just normal kitty mania or maybe your neighbor sprinkles their roof moss with catnip.
And RedCandle, thank you for your thoughts. I basically love my boyfriend...we all have annoying traits and habits. But there wasn't really anything major that I cannot stand except the avoidance/escape issue right now. Of course that is a big one if we cannot resolve it!
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