enodm

Well, my AH crossed that line.. that line that has filled me with rage and disgust!!! He drove drunk with our 3 year old. Well, he was not drunk anymore, but smelled of booze, and would have for sure gotten a DUI.

Funny, he denied drinking, you see, his friends called me from where they were earlier that day saying they were concerned about him driving with her. They tried to get him to let her ride with them, he refused. So they all hung out longer, fed him until he sobered up. When he got to the house, I confronted him, as usual he said his friends were lying (cause everyone lies about his drinking) and he was fine. I asked why do you reek of beer? He said I had a beer driving down the canyon. It took every ounce of control I had to not rip his face off.

I told him he can choose to live his destructive life style all he wants, but he WILL NOT put my babies life in danger ever again!!!

I needed this anger!! Last week I was upset wondering why was he not trying to fix all this!!

akrasia

We both know you can't "sober up" from eating and if he reeked of alcohol he was drunk.

Why didn't your friends call the police when they saw a drunk man drive off with a three-year-old in the car? And when you got their call and found out he was out there driving, still most likely very drunk, with your helpless daughter in the car, why did you not call the police?

You could still make a police report now.

Jazzman

When I was thirteen I rode back with my father after spending a day on the boat drinking. Fifteen minutes into a hour drive he started falling asleep at the wheel and drifting into on coming lanes of traffic. I shouted and did all I could to keep him awake for the rest of the drive. We eventually made it home OK and I never rode with him ever again. I was helpless to help myself and totally dependent upon a drunk man for my safety. That experience traumatized me and to this day I hate being around drunk people.

enodm

Akrasia, Why they didnt call I dont know. Why I didnt, I was so angry I didnt know what too do. I didnt think of calling after the fact, but I guess if there is something on file that would help if there are issues in the future. (ugh, big lump in my throat)

akrasia

I'm sorry you're going through this. Have you got family or good friends who can help you through this time? A place to stay?

Cyranoak

What are you going to do to make sure this doesn't happen again? Specifically, what are you going to do? Do you really have the strength to protect your daughter?

You need a plan. He needs to know what the boundary is. You need to follow through if he crosses it. It needs to be specific: If you do this, then this is what I do. Period. No discussion.

You can't ratinalize or argue with an alcoholic or drug addict. It has to be black and white, and you absolutely must follow through. This is something that cannot wait. Your daughter's life depends on it.

I say this as somebody who had to do the same thing for my baby girl with my alcoholic wife. I waited too long to do it, there was an accident, and I'm lucky she's alive. Her blood would have been on my hands.

Take care,

Cyranaok

akrasia

I see where you're coming from Cyranoak but this is a person who wilfully put a three-year-old's life in danger. You shouldn't have to explain to someone, "I actually would prefer you not drive drunk with my daughter in the car." Or to lay out for someone, "If you endanger my child's life *one more time,* then..."

No. The time for "setting boundaries" is long gone.

enodm

Cyranoak-I left a message with an attorney to see what my options are. I have to have the stregnth for her!! Its obvious he is not going to protect her!! Luckily I am at my parents and have so much love and support!!
I think for the time being he can see her only if I am there.

JenT1968

I am extremely lucky that my children's father has never learned to drive. But I hope that I would never let a child of mine ride in a car again with anyone who had once driven them whilst over the limit.

I understand this may lead to some difficult choices, unfortunately, that's what happens when we have children with alcoholics, lots of trying to make the best decision out of a bunch of crappy choices.

I'm glad she's OK.
(())

outtolunch

Removing your children from the dangerous situation is solid parenting.

outonalimb

I'm glad you called your attorney. Discuss this with your attorney but I think if it were me, I'd deny all future visitatations and let him press the issue. When/if he takes you to court, you can subpoena all his 'friends' who were there and saw him drive after drinking with your daughter in the car.

Be careful about being the visitation monitor. I fell into that trap. My exah just used it as an opportunity to manipulate me and see how far he could push my boundaries. Supervised visitation might be a great option...but it should be by a neutral third party if possible. Otherwise, it can become a big old trap.

Sorry you have to deal with this. aaarrrggghhhhh I am so sick of how SELFISH these sick alcoholics can be. Endangering the life of a little one! His own child!! I could just scream!!!

Be strong!!

Katiekate

Hi enodm, how scary.

Sometimes we don't see the things that are right in front of our faces.

I have to admit that I did not even think about you making the call to the police, the friends yes, but if I had been in that situation I don't know that I would have seen that.

As always the wisdom of these pages shines through.

Thanks for the post.

MsPINKAcres

as sad as it is to say - this happens more often than we would like to believe ~

hate so much you are having to deal with it but it sounds like you are doing the best thing for your daughter to protect her ~

We did when it came to our granddaughter - that's why she lives with us now and rarely sees her Dad ~

It's hard for the little ones ~ but one day she will understand why we are protecting her ~

Keep taking good care of you & your little one!

PINK HUGS,
Rita

painfully

Be very firm in your decision for him to only have supervised access to your daughter, and also I agree that you shouldn't be the person to supervise it. I would be careful however of saying that he can't have any access at all. Supervised visits with your daughter will let her know that he loves her.

Milly39

About 5 months after we seperated AH was minding the boys while I was at work and chose to take them to a bar after school and then drove home.
That was it in my book - no more, so I had to stop him from picking the boys up from school and minding them on the day I worked.

It was a no brainer as if I let him do it again and something happened to the kids, then I was as guilty as him for letting it happen.

Tough decisions have to be made sometimes, especially when your children are involved...but in my case I really had no choice but to stop it.

Jadmack25

Parenthood is hard enough without one parent evading responsibility or as is in this case, actively rail roading it. Being the sole responsible parent is scary stuff, and dealing with these extra burdens of addictive mayhem is mind blowing.

Keep your records and lay out your boundaries for his contact with the child, letting him know there is NO discussion about them.....if broken in any way it will have serious results.. for him.

It does put such a big load on your shoulders, but it needs to be this way because he is incapable of acting the parent or a man.
God give you all you need to do what you need to do.