m1k3

Based on a lot of the post recently this seemed like a good topic to bring up. What really got me going was I was watching Star Wars: The clone wars. A cartoon version of Star Wars. Each episode starts with a Jedi saying and this one was: Ignore your instincts at your own peril.

Wow did that hit home. I am an eX-Marine and have been involved in martial arts off and on for most of my adult life. One of the big things that you teach in self defense classes is how to avoid situations in the first place and one of the big rules there is to trust your instincts. If something doesn’t feel right it probably isn’t. Your instincts for self preservation have evolved for millions of years and were already well developed before humans learned how to talk.

Looking back I can see that I ignored my instincts that something was wrong with my AW for years. I always had good rationalizations for not listening to my gut. I didn’t do something because I loved her, because I hoped she would get better, because it wasn’t that bad, because, because, because.

I was WRONG. When something doesn’t feel right it probably isn’t.

I always hoped that things would get better. I always hope my love would make her want to get better. I always hoped that it would go back to the way it was. Never happened.

A great quote that I read applies well to this. Hope clouds observation. When I was hoping for the best I was ignoring my instincts that were telling me that things were getting worse.

So based on my experience, ignore your instincts at your own peril.

Your friend,

mmk11

Mike,

Thank you for this post. My gut had been telling me something was "not quite right" since I started seeing my AH five years ago. I couldn't pin point what it was. I chalked it up to AH's immaturity, the ups and downs of dating/engagement/married life, on and on, so i ignored the problems and/or put a bandaid on them. I thought we just needed more time and love.


I know now that, as you said, if something doesn't feel right it probably isn't. It's up to me to figure out what doesn't feel right, why, and how to deal. I will no longer ignore my gut.

Thanks again for your post.

Learn2Live

Me too, all of the above.

I am working with a therapist to make better choices. I think it has to do with not being so accepting and gullible when it comes to other people and their behaviors. I need to be more discerning about folks, give myself time to size them up, create better boundaries so I don't just let anyone in but take the time to observe them from a distance, not get caught up in the excitement of the early days, and not believe everything people tell me.

Alucard

I trusted mine, and they were screaming all along. I believed her, 12 years later when she stated she was free of cocaine and marijuana, but she mentioned "I like my beers" and I thought, well, hell, so do I. When I am at a Mexican restaurant, I like a beer with my meal, or a beer as I am watching the boxing PPV, ect. She likes her beers. Starting at 1 in the afternoon, or hell, after awakening (Tomato beer) to stop the tremors at 11am. Then she drinks beer through the early afternoon, unconcerned with open container laws as I chauffeur her around, or she simply drinks and has her 8 year old use the breathalyzer in her car. The real drinking starts at 7-8 pm and continues through the late night, 2-330am....sometimes she wants a few shots of Vodka to supplement the love for beer. Her whole world revolves around trips to her favorite liquor store, or whatever liquor store is convienently available, and popping open cans randomly throughout the day, her "cruise" to clear her mind (A stretch of private road, sans cops so she can drive drunk as her kid blows in the breathalyzer)...and now that she has moved in with a particularly ugly female pal who has ulterior motives that my soon to be ex is not only well aware of, but seems amused by, (Yeah a lot of respect for our marriage there)...this human toad is also a hardcore alcoholic, so the little daily drinking party starts about 530 and continues until the toad passes out from 4 straight shots of Yukon, and then, Thurs-Sunday, she has her pals pick her up for a house party out of town, that is all about hard drugs and booze fueled. I should have trusted my instincts like you, Marine, but I too though love would conquer all. I am done with denial and shock, anger is starting to set in like a mother you know what.

lillamy

Hope. Clouds. Observation.

That is an astute observation, sir.
And right now, for me, a very frightening one.

*walking off to a corner to think*

mmk11

I missed this the first time:

Hole clouds observation.

This is so heartbreaking and true. I'm in tears.

mmk11

Now obviously I meant HOPE!

m1k3

I kinda figured that out.

Although holes cloud observation as well when your head is in one. Although I won't tell you what hole my head was in at the time.



Your friend,

mmk11

Now that my head is out of my you-know-what, I can identify my AH's manipulations, self pity, and sly insults. What my gut had been telling during our r/s that I don't matter (at least in his eyes), I can see clearly and act accordingly. That means not expecting empathy or love or respect, and not showing that to him either. Now I'm not playing the game anymore.

When my AH complained about not hearing back from me on a couple things and what a hard week he's had, I said "I don't know what you want from me" and left it at that. The self pity, my gosh, it's laughable.

Summerpeach

Growing up, I was always told " I should" and that my decisions were not my own, or that I had to do this or that. I came to learn to not trust my inner voice since my parents pretty much spoke for me.

I've ignored my instincts for so long, even though they yelled, pleaded and begged me to listen.
When I was with the ex of 5 yrs (the alcoholic), my insides were yelling at me "Something is amiss here, don't see him" but I thought it was BS, that I was nuts since he was the perfect package on the outside.

Now after my rock bottom, I will never ignore my instincts again. And it not just that I ignored them, but didn't speak the language so could not make out what it was saying.

mmk11

Summerpeach, I ignored my instincts for five years too. Something didn't feel quite right, I was always discontented. Time and love is what I thought we needed, just more time and love, and marital counseling, and relationship books, and on and on.

The thing with my AH is that he's so nice! He could be a complete d!ck to me, but he says it in his usual calm, salesman-y voice. I'm left baffled: he's doing a d!ckhead thing, but he sounds so nice I let it go. He was always able to deflect. Another thing, I ways put my AH's feelings ahead of mine, even when my instinct said STOP IT.

I will not ignore my instincts. I have been telling myself this for months!

DefofLov

Mike

Thank you for sharing. It is great to see an inspirational post. Thanks for reminding us to trust our instincts.

Love and Light,

Lily