Mminoh

I have no idea where to even start. So here we go. Ive been with my AH for almost 5 years when I met him he had a pill addiction and was free basing Oxys. My son was only 3 monthes old when we started dating so when i found out he had a problem i was gone. I come from a drug addict home and both my parents were/are users. To this day my mom cannot admit she has a problen(so u know how effed up i am already from her). I have a very low tolerance for drug absuse, but i i ended up giving him another chance and again he was lying and still using. Until his best friend of 14 years but a bullet in his head over drugs it made him he get clean and he was clean up until last sept he started having kidney stones and one dr after another thought the only fix was to feed him pills. Hello addiction. And 2 kids(my oldest son he has raised since he was an infant) and now one on the way due 11/30/12.. He got clean in dec only for me to find out in the end of feb he was using again. I packed up our boys and left him... I believed all his lies about wanting to get clean, we have our issues and finding out about him using in march broke me, I almost hated him, I never even had a chance to get around to even trying to trust him and today we are doing it all over again... I've had my eye on him and knew he was using and finally called him out a few days ago. He has done nothing but shift the blame from me and my issues to his job and everything in between. He was ok at 1st when i told him we were done and his stuff was packed by the door. It put it all on me said it was a Long time coming, said I never changed since the last bout with using in march... I am 5 months pregnant mother to a 5 and 3 year old and I am so Lost, broken, so hurt I could spit fire, mad, anger... I have no idea what to do. By the end of the day he changed his tone and admitted he had a problem and needed help. And was willing to look into rehabs. But yesterday he was back on the blame game, saying he didn't need rehab he could stop just as fast as he started and would go to NA to satisfy me... It was not what I wanted to hear... As I sit hear balling my eyes out watching him passed out on the couch, I've decided that I need help. For myself and for my kids. I feel like I just enabled him but not sticking to my guns and making him leave because he told me what I wanted to hear. Where do we go from here? Apparently he is not ready to get clean. And I am at my end with being depressed , miserable, and feeling like I am being cheated on with an orange bottle.. Sorry for my 1am ramble not sure
If I even make sense.

FindingErica

Welcome to the forum! You will find lots of similar stories and understanding here. Sorry for what you are going through.

Kindeyes

Welcome to SR......I hope you find the comfort and support you need here.

You sound like a very strong lady to me. The answers to these issues don't have to come to you today. Just reaching out for help is a huge step. You are not alone.

gentle hugs
ke

TMZ

Welcome to SR Mminoh,

And change begins for you now. Step one is admitting we are powerless over the addict.

There is no set way to handle things, but through sharing our experiences we all learn different ways to get through this. Keep reading, and posting in time things will make sense to you...then growth will begin.

Learn2Live

Where should you go with this next? Al-Anon and/or Nar-Anon. And whatever other resources that exist in your community, county, and state to strengthen you and your position so that you can take care of you and your children. Getting your focus off of him, protecting you and the children from him and his disease. Taking ALL your time, attention, resources and energy away from him and his behavior and focusing them all on you and the kids.

crazybabie

Welcome to SR, I am sorry for the reasons that have brought you here.

HopefulGF65

Welcome, you are as everyone said in the right place, and give yourself credit for reaching out and sharing your story, sorry as I am to hear about it.

Take a deep breath, you are now one step closer to a healthier new life for you and your children.

EnglishGarden

How discouraged and alone you must feel. But as Al-Anon says, "There is no situation too difficult to be bettered and no unhappiness too great to be lessened."

Addiction is a family disease and all family members require recovery. The experts say that recovery for the addict usually starts with recovery in the family. This does not mean to guarantee recovery in the addict, but as the spouse recovers, it increases the chances for the addict to find recovery and it certainly brings health to her children as she gets well.

So he is back in active addiction, and as we know here, he is going to be unstable, untrustworthy, and unreliable for many months to come, even if he gets clean tomorrow.

So it is best for you to decide how you will make a safe, healthy home life for you and your children apart from whatever he is doing, whether he is using or is starting a serious program of recovery. His problems are not yours to solve--hand them all right back to him--and the best thing for you is to separate yourself from his problems and his chaos, which usually means a physical separation for a period of time. Children should never live with an active drug addict and even one in early recovery tends to be very volatile.

We are glad you posted here. You will feel less alone. Your challenge will be to ask yourself what is best for your children and then to pursue that course with all your heart. As well, your challenge is to take responsibility for a vigorous recovery program of your own for codependency. To restore your sense of self, your self-esteem, and bring you relief.

You cannot know what will unfold regarding your marriage, but you can definitely, today, make choices for a healthy, sane life for your babies. I hope you have friends who can help you and I hope you will contact social services in your town about help to get your family stable and provide your basic needs through your pregnancy. One thing is very certain: your abf will not provide for you, and the emotional pain he creates through blaming you and creating fear is not good for you or the children or the child you are carrying. I would expect nothing from him. One day he may get clean and be a reliable man, but today is what you have to deal with.

This forum has many many women who faced circumstances like yours and they made it. They got well, they made good lives for their children, they found their self-worth again. All that is possible for you and you can start on that today. Google "Al-Anon" or "Nar-Anon" or "Codependents Anonymous" and find your meeting. It will be a good place to begin.

Many blessings to you and your children.

EnglishGarden

I am going to bump a post by "Brem". Read that one to go to a link which will be very helpful to you.

EnglishGarden

I'm sorry, I used "abf" but he is your husband. Just needed to correct.

crazybabie

I bumped the post by Berm... I feel a lot of us as well as newcomers and lurkers family and addicts can benefit from it.

Thanks EG.

Mminoh

Thanks i found this site a few weeks ago when the feelings about him using came back full force. Ive done my share of creeping here! I had to make an account and spill my guts because i just dont know what to do anymore, I found some Al-non meetings in my area, and Im going to check one out tomorrow. I just need to find me again, for my kids and myself. I Love him to death but i have come to realize i cannot help him unless he helps himself. I cannot stick around for the ride. But im having a hard time asking him to leave, i have no idea how to live without him and the thought of taking away my kid's best friend/dad kills my heart. DO i stick it out with him here? he said he hasnt taken any pills and two days and his attitude is starting to show that, do i deal with his foul moods? or do i put my big girl panties on and tell him he has got to go??

EnglishGarden

What recovery action is he taking? Meetings every day? Calling an addictions counselor? Any actions or just words? We say here, "Watch what he does not what he says."

You do not need to make any permanent decisions today. Get yourself some recovery help and allow your thinking to clear a bit and emotions to settle and then you can make some choices.

Watch your money and possessions.

And don't forget you can "shop meetings" until you find one you like. One person may say one thing you really needed to hear. That is the Divine Spirit working in the rooms. Again, your recovery will impact his potential for recovery.

Mminoh

[QUOTE=EnglishGarden;3489597]What recovery action is he taking? Meetings every day? Calling an addictions counselor? Any actions or just words? We say here, "Watch what he does not what he says."

He is doing nothing.. He is actually been sleeping since he came home from work yesterday... And now the crazy that I have become is all over reading about withdrawl symptoms and every single one says sleeping is not easy to come by during the withdrawl stage. So my racing mind is thinking that he really hasnt stopped using. I want to go in there and beat his face in(i can dream right?!) and scream and yell and demand him do something.. but i know now reading around that I cannot control him, or his addiction. And sitting here wishing differently is going to make me go insane. blahhh

Learn2Live

I vote for big girl panties. Best friend to children? I'm sorry but with an addict I feel the best friend thing is a charade. Not to mention, children do not need a large, irresponsible friend, they need parents. If you could see my AXBF, whose children are pre-teen and young teen aged, and his "best friend parenting" style, you would be appalled.

EnglishGarden

Have you read the thread "Heartbroken" posted by Brem? Click on that, it will lead you to the long story of a wife whose husband had a pill addiction.

Your husband is for sure not detoxing from opiates if he is sleeping comfortably on the couch.

Click on that thread....it will lead you to Callie's story. (And she has children, too). You will learn things you need to know.