New here - advice on boundaries
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2012
Posts: 157
New here - advice on boundaries
Hello everyone. My story is so long and has so much history, I don't have the energy to write it all here. So, to summarize, I have been with my Ah for 8 years (married for 3). We have a 19-month-old son. He has always had a drinking problem and it has always been a big issue in our relationship. Reading the posts here, I have read so much that mirrors my life. Me constantly worrying how much he is drinking, numerous times we have made "agreements" on how much drinking is acceptable (the current agreement is 1 night only, 6 beers max). But nothing seems to change. *Sigh.*
His problem is not that he has to drink all the time, but more that once he starts drinking, he has no concept of when to stop. The latest incident was this evening when we had my brother and his partner over for dinner. We were having drinks and I could tell Ah had had too much because he was starting to slur and just ramble. Right after dinner, he gets up from the table, goes upstairs and passes out on the bed. Of course I am embarrassed.
I attended 1 al-anon meeting a few months back and found it to be a good experience. However, shortly after, Ah said he was going to stop drinking for 6 months (of course, didn't happen.) After tonight's incident, I have decided I need to go back to Al-Anon and start making boundaries. I realize that just because Ah decreases the amount he drinks, he will never be able to drink socially or maybe at all without seeking treatment for his alcoholism.
My question is on boundaries. What kind of boundaries can I set? For instance, I feel like one of the boundaries I need to set is to avoid social situations with him where drinking will be a focal point. For instance, a friend of his is getting married soon and I really feel like I should not go because I know it will end up in a big fight over him drinking too much. But then, is this enabling? To avoid social situations because of his drinking?
What other types of boundaries can I set at home? I would love to see examples of the boundaries you all have set in regards to handling the drinking.
His problem is not that he has to drink all the time, but more that once he starts drinking, he has no concept of when to stop. The latest incident was this evening when we had my brother and his partner over for dinner. We were having drinks and I could tell Ah had had too much because he was starting to slur and just ramble. Right after dinner, he gets up from the table, goes upstairs and passes out on the bed. Of course I am embarrassed.
I attended 1 al-anon meeting a few months back and found it to be a good experience. However, shortly after, Ah said he was going to stop drinking for 6 months (of course, didn't happen.) After tonight's incident, I have decided I need to go back to Al-Anon and start making boundaries. I realize that just because Ah decreases the amount he drinks, he will never be able to drink socially or maybe at all without seeking treatment for his alcoholism.
My question is on boundaries. What kind of boundaries can I set? For instance, I feel like one of the boundaries I need to set is to avoid social situations with him where drinking will be a focal point. For instance, a friend of his is getting married soon and I really feel like I should not go because I know it will end up in a big fight over him drinking too much. But then, is this enabling? To avoid social situations because of his drinking?
What other types of boundaries can I set at home? I would love to see examples of the boundaries you all have set in regards to handling the drinking.
Forum Leader
Join Date: Dec 2008
Posts: 10,944
Hello jada1981, Welcome to SR!
In my experience, boundaries work best when I understand that they are for me, my peace, and my serenity and happiness....not to control someone else.
Mr. HG and I put boundaries in place for all out interactions with his son who is an alcoholic and substance abuser.
We decided on boundaries like "If you are abusive and manipulative on the phone when you call, we will end the conversation--hanging up if necessary."
and
"Any e-mail or text that you send that contains abusive language will not be acknowledged or answered." (but were, frankly, stored away in case needed for legal protection)
We did not announce these boundaries to my stepson, we simply implemented them.
I'm sure others will be along soon to offer more Experience, Strength, and Hope (ES&H). We do understand. Welcome, again!
In my experience, boundaries work best when I understand that they are for me, my peace, and my serenity and happiness....not to control someone else.
Mr. HG and I put boundaries in place for all out interactions with his son who is an alcoholic and substance abuser.
We decided on boundaries like "If you are abusive and manipulative on the phone when you call, we will end the conversation--hanging up if necessary."
and
"Any e-mail or text that you send that contains abusive language will not be acknowledged or answered." (but were, frankly, stored away in case needed for legal protection)
We did not announce these boundaries to my stepson, we simply implemented them.
I'm sure others will be along soon to offer more Experience, Strength, and Hope (ES&H). We do understand. Welcome, again!
Member
Join Date: Jul 2012
Location: rural Germany
Posts: 311
Hi there,
I'm also new and struggling with all the basic concepts, including boundaries.
One of the hardest things for me to accept was the idea that I can only control and change my own behaviour. My AH has the right to make his own choices. I can only choose for myself.
So for me, setting boundaries follows a pattern like if "A" happens then I will do "B". I can also choose to respond by taking no action at all. The boundary is something to help me make an appropriate choice rather than attempting to force my AH to make what I think is an appropriate choice for him.
You've written it yourself. This is avoidance rather than setting a boundary. If I want to go to a party then I go, with or without my husband. He decides whether to go with me or stay home and pass out. And if I'm ready to go home from a party and he isn't, then I say goodbye and go home. What happens at the party afterwards is his problem to deal with, not mine.
Choosing not to go to an event doesn't mean that your husband won't go without you, get drunk, and behave inappropriately. If I don't want to go, however, then I have the right to decide to stay home or do something else.
If I was concerned that my husband would drink too much at an event I wanted to attend, then I would set my boundary by telling him that if I start feeling uncomfortable then I will leave and go home. At that point, he gets to make his own decision about coming home or staying longer.
And then I get to choose how to later respond to his decision. I could start a huge fight the next day. Or I could choose to simply accept his right to stay at the party longer and not speak about it again.
By acknowledging that it is his right to choose, I am also accepting that I cannot control his behaviour. And that helps cut down on feelings of embarrassment. You could say that I've created another boundary for myself. If I do something wrong then I'll be embarrassed and apologise and try to do better next time. But why should I be embarrassed about something which I am powerless to cause or change or prevent?
Easier said than done, and I'm still working on it.
I'm also new and struggling with all the basic concepts, including boundaries.
One of the hardest things for me to accept was the idea that I can only control and change my own behaviour. My AH has the right to make his own choices. I can only choose for myself.
So for me, setting boundaries follows a pattern like if "A" happens then I will do "B". I can also choose to respond by taking no action at all. The boundary is something to help me make an appropriate choice rather than attempting to force my AH to make what I think is an appropriate choice for him.
Originally Posted by jada1981 
For instance, I feel like one of the boundaries I need to set is to avoid social situations with him where drinking will be a focal point.
You've written it yourself. This is avoidance rather than setting a boundary. If I want to go to a party then I go, with or without my husband. He decides whether to go with me or stay home and pass out. And if I'm ready to go home from a party and he isn't, then I say goodbye and go home. What happens at the party afterwards is his problem to deal with, not mine.
Choosing not to go to an event doesn't mean that your husband won't go without you, get drunk, and behave inappropriately. If I don't want to go, however, then I have the right to decide to stay home or do something else.
If I was concerned that my husband would drink too much at an event I wanted to attend, then I would set my boundary by telling him that if I start feeling uncomfortable then I will leave and go home. At that point, he gets to make his own decision about coming home or staying longer.
And then I get to choose how to later respond to his decision. I could start a huge fight the next day. Or I could choose to simply accept his right to stay at the party longer and not speak about it again.
By acknowledging that it is his right to choose, I am also accepting that I cannot control his behaviour. And that helps cut down on feelings of embarrassment. You could say that I've created another boundary for myself. If I do something wrong then I'll be embarrassed and apologise and try to do better next time. But why should I be embarrassed about something which I am powerless to cause or change or prevent?
Easier said than done, and I'm still working on it.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2012
Posts: 64
I find that the only boundaries that work for me are the ones that are FOR me. Your upcoming wedding, for example, is something I would definitely think about. If I was worried that I was not in a place to go and not be stressed out, I would stay home. I have done that many times with my AH, which has led to pretty separate social lives, but so be it.
Wishing you peace through this process. Be kind to yourself, as there is often some stumbling. I know I struggle maintaining my boundaries without being a jerk about them, which is not setting boundaries for myself, it is another attempt to control and punish. Ack.
Take care!!
Wishing you peace through this process. Be kind to yourself, as there is often some stumbling. I know I struggle maintaining my boundaries without being a jerk about them, which is not setting boundaries for myself, it is another attempt to control and punish. Ack.
Take care!!
peaceful seabird
Join Date: Sep 2008
Location: floating
Posts: 4,822
Welcome
Welcome to the SR family!
You have found a wonderful resource of information and support. I hope you will make yourself at home by reading and posting as much as needed.
I am always finding wisdom in the Sticky Posts at the top of this forum page. The stickies are older, permanent posts that have been preserved because of their wisdom and information.
On boundaries, there are several excellent posts in the stickies. These are two of my favorites:
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...oundaries.html
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...oundaries.html
You have found a wonderful resource of information and support. I hope you will make yourself at home by reading and posting as much as needed.
I am always finding wisdom in the Sticky Posts at the top of this forum page. The stickies are older, permanent posts that have been preserved because of their wisdom and information.
On boundaries, there are several excellent posts in the stickies. These are two of my favorites:
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...oundaries.html
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...oundaries.html
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2012
Posts: 157
Thank you everyone for your replies. After another night last night of not sleeping well, I've made a decision that today is that LAST time that I will allow his drinking to affect me. I talked to him and told him how I feel and how I am setting up boundaries.
Specifically, I told him I am not going to the wedding (which is 3 hours away and would require an overnight trip.) He instantly told me he wouldn't be attending either. Then told me he was texting the friend to tell him we couldn't make it. I think he was trying to threaten me or something because I checked his online phone records and know he didn't text the friend. (I know, total codependent behavior. I'm working on it.)
I'm feeling better and plan to attend another al-anon meeting this week. I think I need to concentrate more on myself and my son and become stronger.
Specifically, I told him I am not going to the wedding (which is 3 hours away and would require an overnight trip.) He instantly told me he wouldn't be attending either. Then told me he was texting the friend to tell him we couldn't make it. I think he was trying to threaten me or something because I checked his online phone records and know he didn't text the friend. (I know, total codependent behavior. I'm working on it.)
I'm feeling better and plan to attend another al-anon meeting this week. I think I need to concentrate more on myself and my son and become stronger.
Currently Active Users Viewing this Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
