feelingalone43

At our last marriage counseling session, I admitted that my fear of AH returning to the binge drinking is getting worse. I let him know that it is because this gradual decrease in his drinking has been just that; gradual. There is no way I can go through this lengthy process again if the drinking gets out of control, and I still don't trust that it won't.

He told the counselor that he does drink more of the regular beer, and/or low alcohol beer when he's not around me, but that he controls himself around me because he knows it bothers me to see him drunk. I wonder when the resentment will set in due to him wanting to drink more, but "can't" because I'm there.

He also said that he does not ever see himself completely giving up beer. He already gave up the harder stuff. Now he's unhappy about these sessions because we originally started going due to his lack of stress coping skills, and his "anger", but each session ends up focusing on the drinking.

Yesterday, I came up here to our vacation home (he came up the day before me). I got here around 11:00 in the morning, and there he was drinking beer with some people who stopped by. Really? At 11:00 AM? When I looked in the fridge, I see the regular beer in a coozzie, unopened, and he had a low alcohol one in his hand. He knew I was coming, but thought I wouldn't be here til later in the day.

I guess he's not hiding it, because he admitted to drinking more when I'm not around, but it does show me that I am being used as his monitoring device, and I would like to see him be able to make good choices because he wants to, not because he has to.

BlueSkies1

Sounds like he is not really addressing sobriety, just pacifying you. He still hasn't figured out that he doesn't like sober thinking.
What a difficult mode to get out of --the vacation home setting and drinking. No doubt he views it as "relaxing" and drinking is the way to kick back and start up convos with the neighbors. Isn't it the epitome of vacation home enjoyment? Yes, for a lot of people it is. Thing is, he is not a normal drinker who only drinks socially. He wants to enjoy a beer with the neighbors the same way non-alcoholics do, and he can't separate himself yet to realize that he needs sobriety, not drunken banter with the neighbors.
So how do you enjoy your vacation home? Not very much I bet. You're probably monitoring his drinking which destroys your enjoyment of your second home. That's no vacation at all!
Sobriety's biggest accomplishment isn't not drinking, but a change in thinking. It's a return to sanity and normal thought patterns. A drinking person will never have normal thought patterns while under the influence, and even when not, as they need sobriety for a lengthy time.
What would be progress for you, forget about his progress or lack thereof!
How could you enjoy your vacation home with him there? Can you really enjoy it and relax at all? This is what you might consider focusing on--how you feel, not him. The rotten truth is that if you don't enjoy your second home because you are focused on his drinking, then you aren't enjoying it at all, and might as well not even be there...ouch.

NYCDoglvr

He isn't serious about quitting drinking so I hope you enjoy this period when he's lucid.
Alcoholism is a progressive disease and unfortunately there's nothing you or he and do to stop it.

shawty80

this is exactly what my xabf said to me, time and again. on nights that i came home late(because of meetings, or time with my friends), i always knew i would find him drunk. his excuse was that he was "more comfortable" drinking more because i wasn't there. he was free to do as he wished but that never stopped him from being resentful and playing the blame game.

hugs to you!

misty

marliese22

We have been married 26 years. My AH has always had a problem with alcohol but since his mom passed away 2 years ago things have steadily gone down hill. I asked him to leave our house last Nov. and from then until when we started counseling in May he did not have a drink. The night of the first session was his first lapse. We had agreed when we started that he would not drink around me and only have one or 2 when with friends. My AH went to the bar after session and ended up driving home drunk. My oldest son 22 lives with him and he my AS has been in recovery for over a year so there is no alcohol in the house. Well we are supposed to be spending more time together so we planned on spending Fri and Sat together at our camper at the Lake. The first Fri night he was drunk when I got there after work he is taking off every Fri during the s ummer to spend at the Lake. That was the first of the lapses. At our Therapy session this week I let him know that I could not deal with the drinking anymore and he needed to stop all together. Well he decided that the bottle was more important than me. It is all about how I have hurt him and what I have done to cause the drinking. I stayed home from the lake and have spent much of the day crying and being sad. This forum has helped me so much and has given me the courage to do what I needed to do for myself. I am trying to hold it together one day at a time.

wicked

I am so sorry feelingalone43, but it is not a matter of "if", since he is drinking now and it is increasing it will get out of control. There is one sure thing about alcoholism, it is progressive.

He is angry and alcohol is how he deals with stress. He does not ever see himself giving it up?

Feelingalone43, it is time for you to take care of yourself. You are being used as his monitoring advice already, and he probably resents you now.
Please get out of his way, and let him choose how to live his life.
Now, you choose how you want to live.
Do you want to be "clean up" for a guy who resents you? I did it for a while, and it will break you down hard. Extremely painful, and I would wish that on no one.

What you would like him to do is not going to happen until he is ready. He is not ready. The only person you can control is you.
Please get some help for you only. I do not understand a marriage counselor who thinks he is working with a couple when one of them is actively abusing alcohol. Your husband cannot be completely "present" nor can he contribute to the sessions because his problem is taking over everything.

I am a recovering alcoholic FA, yes eleven am is completely reasonable to an alcoholic.
It is vacation time, is it not? It is a sad joke. My father used to say no matter what time it was "the flag is down somewhere in the world".
Anytime is the right time to drink, if you can get away with it. That is a truth of alcoholism, it was my truth.

Beth
:ghug3

feelingalone43

The thing is, it's not really a vacation home for him. He goes every every weekend. I used to, but now stay home a lot, and I actually enjoy those times. He is drinking what and how much he wants, and I do things that bring me joy, or just relax. During the week, he works, and does a good job of controlling the drinking in the evenings. My boundaries are set, and I am definitely at the point of ending this marriage when they get crossed. I imagine it's just a matter of time, and that is so sad.

Thanks, everyone. I would be in a much darker place if it weren't for the ability to vent here.

wicked

Thank you too. All my friends are in my computer, mostly on this site!


Beth