Reasons I left my AW

Old 07-14-2012, 07:11 AM
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Reasons I left my AW

Last month she called me with an impassioned plea, that she needed out of an abusive 12 year relationship, but was afraid for her life and that of her child's....so, being the codependent enabler/rescuer that I am I offered her my studio apt, and marriage in order to saveprotect her. So I called in favors from my family, gathered trucks and manpower and we moved her from another city, within hours. And then, one week later we were at the courthouse exchanging vows. It was a great time for this codependent. I had on my knight in shining armor suit, and I had my bride. But all that only lasted a while. The honeymoon was soon over. Oh, there were feelings for sure that were real, but her true love was alcohol, as I soon discovered. Now I drink. I get off duty at night and head to Applebees and have a beer. A BEER. My AW would drink a 4 pack of tall cans, and then some, and soon started with the shots of vodka. Soon, the 4 pack was just to start off the buzz, I couldnt ever keep enough beer in the little bedroom fridge for her. She was vague about the story about why she lost her good paying job, and got behind on her mortgage (in the other city) and lost her home, she blamed the abusive ex...for not letting her work, but now I am not so sure. We went to a cousins wedding (stopped at a local bar first for an eye opener) where I made the bartender at the cash bar a nice little profit, as she easily gulped down 7-8 beers, to the concern of my family, who was watching. After the wedding (which we left early, no dancing) she wanted to head straight for the liquor store. And thus was the beginning of my education in living with a hardcore alcoholic....she would often brag about being an "alchie" or use Spanish slang to describe herself as a drunken woman. At first it was "cute" and that novelty wore off as fast as marriage did to her. She rearranged the studio apt to her own liking, washed my clothes, and made me a few meals (She in the month we were together SELDOM ate. She was an awesome cook, and would make elaborate meals, but always claimed to be too nauseous, or striken with heartburn to eat. She was popping heartburn medication like candy. The few times we ate with my parents, same thing, "oh, you guys eat, I have an upset stomach"....she would occasionally munch on a taco. To her credit she did try hard to find a job, but I have a feeling they kept doing background checks on her, her work experience is awesome, her background is a mess, she is a convicted felon from the 4th DUI. Too many arrests/jail time to count on 4 limbs....She seemed to be looking for an excuse to leave this little studio, which was small for myself, her and her kid, but at the time I went to get her, she was essentially, a homeless person, with no money, no job, and the clothes on her back, a few suitcases of clothes for her and her kids, and some furniture and a big screen and that was it. (She is also seriously behind on her car payment, and would be devastated to lose that)...My parents help me with my own 5 year old babysit him while I work, go to school, ect. There was friction between the kids, normal stuff, she was pissed that my parents were too overprotective with my own child, and this pissed her off to no end, to the point of hating my parents, especially when I told her they were concerned about her drinking...The studio is located near their home and they went there often to check on my son, and she hated that and used it as an excuse to move out, 3 weeks into the marriage. She had me move all her things to her moms and tried staying there for 2 nights, and not wanting me to stay with her (I thought married couples stuck together, no matter what)....Then she moved in with her female friend, I have been warned twice about the adjetives I have used to describe this laughable thing, I will try to be kind.)....she moved her kids bed right next to hers, in a room we were to be in. (Seems she did this on purpose, and established no boundaries with this 8 year old, who still slept with mommy nightly, on our bed, while the husband was resigned to the couch?????!!! W to the TF. This along with her drunkenness really reeked havoc with intimacy. She flat out told me thats how it was going to be until we got our own place. BUT she refused a Wedding Reception party we had meticulously planned with my brother in law and sister at their place....this was going to give us probably enough to establish an apartment....she didnt want that in all reality, and when she blew up at my parents, 15 days after we got married, she REFUSED the Reception, of which my sister and parents had spent tons of time, energy, effort and cash on and we had sent out 50 invitations. It was awkward as hell and embarrassing to say the least, and it was to include a renewal of the vows, which hurt me pretty deeply. All of this BS started at a 4th of July BBQ at which she decided to throw in her own honor (B-day) at my parents backyard. She was 4 sheets to the wind by noon, and so was all her family that she invited, they sucked up 2 cases of beer like bottled water and largely ignored the 70 bucks of steaks, hamburgers, and other food we had. Her female friend, of who I have been warned twice about by moderators was there and practically the guest of honor in my AW's eyes. So, as I slaved away cooking in 88 degree heat while all the alcoholics sucked down booze, she sat there taking it all in and BSing with the female friend I have been warned twice by moderators about in my creatively descriptive way of calling her what she is. Needless to say, I was beyond pissed off and wheels were spinning in my head. She was cold and a bit rude to me that day, and I hadnt seen that side of her EVER, even from 12 years ago. She was actually beginning to turn me off physically. The following day I dropped the bomb that my parents were concerened about her drinking and she refused to stay in our little apt. after that. She stayed with her mom a few nights and then moved in with the female friend. (That would be the equivalent of she offers me marriage and an apartment/roof over her head rent free, and I and my kid are homeless and I abandon her move my things out to be with a male friend who wants me for more than a friend???? Beyond surreal)...anyway, the end came as I helped her move her bed into the female pal's house, which was a bit spacier but not much, than the studio. When I saw where we would be sleeping (You know, to her friend's credit, she did offer me a place to sleep there as well, until we "got on our feet" but I think her pal was just happy to have HER there, and I was just along for the ride) and the 8 year old in the same room, I was internally livid. I kept thinking "I didnt sign up for this"...there was a spare bedroom where he should have slept. But he got his way with her to no end, even at the expense of me. So we had "dinner" an awsome stir fry which my AW made. Of course, it was 640pm, so the budweiser was flowing like water from the river Ganges. About an 18 pack for starters, my AW making jokes about "needing to walk to the liquor store later on" and the 5 shots of Yukon. (Needless to say, neither of them ate, making jokes about oh, I already started my first beer, dont want to mess up the buzz) And the friend wanted me to take my son there. Now given, there was not really a space for him to sleep....and he was used to staying at grandmas, on nights I had him, or being with me in my studio apt...now I was supposed to bring him here to party central to watch two alcoholic women get bombed as daddy drinks bottled water and seethes? How boring for him. Nope. She told me that she could be very persuasive and was stubborn and wouldnt take "no" for an answer, but she didnt know me very well. When I didnt give in to her, my AW got VERY irritated and made comments about how spoiled my son was, ect. I mentioned that I needed to get the borrowed truck back to my father, and watch my son until he fell asleep and then I'd be back atround 1030 to sleep there. My AW told me "no, just stay there, dont bother coming back"....that was the nail in the coffin of our failed marriage experiment/love affair continued after 12 years. That did it. I was disgusted by her disease. "In sickness and in health" was the vow, but there was also "forsake all others" and "to have and to hold"....I was strictly 2nd tier to this female pal. She mentioned that she preferred to sleep alone or with her kid, and that "I liked to cuddle" as if that were a horrid thing....wow, again, beyond surreal. The alcoholism was too much for me to handle emotionally, mentally, it was causing me a hell of a lot of stress, anxiety, and flat out anger. I was sick of stayng up with her till 3-4 am watching her drink beer after beer after shot after beer....BORING......intimacy was severley impacted, drunken women may turn on some men, but not me. I wanted her sober only. PERIOD. I had a vision in my head, a fantasy of her as only a light, casual drinker when I offered her marriage, had I known about the extended stomach, the constant nausea, daily hangovers, the 10am eye openers (tomato beers) the tremors, the severe heartburn, the 7-8 drinks daily habit and the fact that she still wanted a lifestyle befitting a 21 year old. not a 41 year old (Houseparties, not bars, as she had let herself go too much and couldnt guarantee herself free drinks by men bought her all night like she could 20 years ago)....she is still attractive and will have no problem getting a replacement for me, but wow, good luck to him. I am off to District Court on Monday to see about an annulment or file for the big "D"....First drug addiction and now alcohol have wrecked 2 relationships with her. Lesson learned is no more alcoholics will I date EVER.
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Old 07-14-2012, 07:32 AM
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Wishing you success with the annulment.

Your five-year-old will need some extra attention in the coming months, watch for signs of anxiety or anger, as he has been exposed to the vortex of chaos you married. Keep your home life very simple, routine, and quiet for him and attend to his feelings.

She is not only an alcoholic but also very likely has a hard-wired personality disorder which sobriety would not cure.

Once your legal issues are resolved, you might do a run of counseling for yourself, as it was you who made these poor choices and whatever motivated you to do that is still operating inside you. Here we always circle back to ourselves and try to take responsibility for our codependency so that we don't enter into another damaging relationship (it seems those without recovery always do).

On the opening page there are items labeled STICKY which will link you to good reading for your own recovery and self-awareness.

And that residual anger you are bound to be feeling.....it will be great if you can do some hard physical activity--the gym or house repair, etc--and get that out so it doesn't erupt onto innocent bystanders.

We are glad you found SR. And I wish you a peaceful, healthy home life with your child.
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Old 07-14-2012, 07:49 AM
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Thank you English Garden, you hit it on the head of the nail hard.1. My 5 year old was emotionally traumatized as I couldnt give him any of my time while dealing with her and her disease. He needs my attention now. 2. Bi-Polar? She could be right at home in a psyche ward. 3. I am a severe codependent. I do need counseling. and probably anti stress medication. But Monday at 9am I begin the legal hassles and processes of either annulling or the big D. 4. I broke up with her 12 years ago because of her drug addiction and was left with enough residual anger that someone at a bar got hurt pretty bad and it scared me. I know I need therapy, the gym and the track as I am pretty GD pissed off right now, mostly at myself.
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