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Join Date: Jul 2012
Posts: 4
New here
My spouse is an alcoholic/compulsive gambler. We have been separated for roughly 18 months. He supposedly admits the gambling problem and attends meetings for the issue. He will not admit that he is an alcoholic. The lies, deceit, rages, lack of accountability, etc.. are just endless. His view is that everything is my fault, I am difficult to live with, and that I do not give him the credit and respect he is due.
We have three children, two are toddlers and the oldest is almost 15. I am a stay at home mom and I go to college part time.
I do not have income to just walk away, and I have tried to give him the time and space to work on his problems.
I have been to alanon and I go to a support group for families of compulsive gamblers.
I am angry and tired of being so supportive and strong, while he just continues to live however he wants and treats me as if I don't deserve anything better than this insane lifestyle.
Thank you for listening.
We have three children, two are toddlers and the oldest is almost 15. I am a stay at home mom and I go to college part time.
I do not have income to just walk away, and I have tried to give him the time and space to work on his problems.
I have been to alanon and I go to a support group for families of compulsive gamblers.
I am angry and tired of being so supportive and strong, while he just continues to live however he wants and treats me as if I don't deserve anything better than this insane lifestyle.
Thank you for listening.
peaceful seabird
Join Date: Sep 2008
Location: floating
Posts: 4,822
Welcome to the SR family!
Please make yourself at home by reading and posting as much as needed. We are here to support you.
I was a stay-at-home mom for 12 of the 14 years I was married to my alcoholic. Mine was also a gambler, and he admitted to $200/week on gambling. I don't know how close that actually is to the truth.
You are not alone. You are among members who share the same path you are traveling.
Alanon, SR and self-improvement books helped me along the way.
Let us know how we can help you.
Please make yourself at home by reading and posting as much as needed. We are here to support you.
I was a stay-at-home mom for 12 of the 14 years I was married to my alcoholic. Mine was also a gambler, and he admitted to $200/week on gambling. I don't know how close that actually is to the truth.
You are not alone. You are among members who share the same path you are traveling.
Alanon, SR and self-improvement books helped me along the way.
Let us know how we can help you.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2012
Posts: 4
Thank you so much. I am filled with so many negative emotions, that right now I feel like a horrible person. I feel like I am more of a prisoner to myself than I am to this marriage. The insanity is constant and relentless. I loathe the idea of working a 12 step program, when all I really want to do is walk away into a whole new life. I do not know if we will ever recover from the gambling debt, we have loans and mortgages that paid off the heaviest gambling debt. The idea of battling this fire all bit sucks the life right out of me.
And then..... I feel guilty and ashamed.
I am a HUGE mess and I long for the day when I do not have to struggle with someone to want to be decent and to treat me like an equal human being.
And then..... I feel guilty and ashamed.
I am a HUGE mess and I long for the day when I do not have to struggle with someone to want to be decent and to treat me like an equal human being.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2012
Location: new moon road
Posts: 1,545
Welcome to SR, EvolvingHeart,
You must be exhausted.
You do not have to be supportive of his recovery or anything he does AT ALL. You have to take care of your needs--emotional, mental, spiritual, physical--and those of your children. That alone is all you have to do. He's ON HIS OWN with all his crap.
Having said that, why are you still married to him? Many of us have found that divorce--perhaps after a legal separation--was the only way to save our lives, to protect our children from lifelong emotional scars, and to ensure--legally-- adequate income to support ourselves and our children.
Did the gambling bankrupt your family? Or are you simply hoping he will become a decent human being in the near future and are trying to hang on for that possibility?
From what you have written, it appears you are a victim of domestic abuse and need some one on one counseling in addition to the meetings you attend. You can call 1-800-799-SAFE and ask for advice about getting individual help for yourself. The 12-Step meetings are too general to address the serious damage that has been done to you. You need specific focus from a counselor skilled in domestic abuse. What you have gone through in your marriage has depleted your inner resources, and you need the attention of a counselor.
We are glad you found SR. You are a stay at home mom and you need this kind of at-home support.
On the opening page you will see items labeled STICKY. Click on all those, and follow links to very good information, to add to what you have already gained in your 12-Step meetings.
It's a bit late, and the weekend is at hand, but more members will post. We try to be both frank and kind. We all are recovering just as you are.
You have taken courageous steps already in your crisis. Let time and your Higher Power guide you as you do your work.
And we will help you build up your backbone.
You must be exhausted.
You do not have to be supportive of his recovery or anything he does AT ALL. You have to take care of your needs--emotional, mental, spiritual, physical--and those of your children. That alone is all you have to do. He's ON HIS OWN with all his crap.
Having said that, why are you still married to him? Many of us have found that divorce--perhaps after a legal separation--was the only way to save our lives, to protect our children from lifelong emotional scars, and to ensure--legally-- adequate income to support ourselves and our children.
Did the gambling bankrupt your family? Or are you simply hoping he will become a decent human being in the near future and are trying to hang on for that possibility?
From what you have written, it appears you are a victim of domestic abuse and need some one on one counseling in addition to the meetings you attend. You can call 1-800-799-SAFE and ask for advice about getting individual help for yourself. The 12-Step meetings are too general to address the serious damage that has been done to you. You need specific focus from a counselor skilled in domestic abuse. What you have gone through in your marriage has depleted your inner resources, and you need the attention of a counselor.
We are glad you found SR. You are a stay at home mom and you need this kind of at-home support.
On the opening page you will see items labeled STICKY. Click on all those, and follow links to very good information, to add to what you have already gained in your 12-Step meetings.
It's a bit late, and the weekend is at hand, but more members will post. We try to be both frank and kind. We all are recovering just as you are.
You have taken courageous steps already in your crisis. Let time and your Higher Power guide you as you do your work.
And we will help you build up your backbone.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2005
Location: Seeking Peace
Posts: 1,371
Originally Posted by EvolvingHeart 
I feel like I am more of a prisoner to myself than I am to this marriage.
Welcome to SR. I'm so glad you're here.
I can relate to the prisoner feeling. I felt this way too. You can't control or change your AH but you can change YOU. You aren't trapped. There is always a way out. Keep going to al anon. Keep posting here. Keep working on YOU and you WILL find your way out of your prison.
You're among friends here at SR. We get it because we've beent here ourselves.
Hugs...and welcome!!!
Mary
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2012
Posts: 4
Thank you all for being so kind. I am amazed that in the depth of my problems, complete strangers can be more kind and compassionate than the person I vowed to be with for the rest of my life.
I am legally separated, and I can not explain why I have not followed through with the divorce as of yet. I seem to have numerous excuses, with fear always being number one.
I gave called the domestic violence line before (although he has never hit me) because I feel metally abused and controlled. Again, something else I have not followed through on. My spouse has been in law enforcement for many years, and I need for him to be gainfully employed so that he can pay the mortgage and other bills.
I often wonder, with the combination of addictions and personality, is this the equivalent of being physically abused? If I add my own insanity (of thinking that something will change) then I truly feel torn apart.
My decision for separation was made mostly for my children, but My shame and guilt also revolves around my children.
Please don't let me fool you, many days I have it all together. My mind runs the show, and I know that I am doing the right thing. Then there are days that he simply disgusts me, but the really bad days are when I can't understand how I got here and I obsess over what can I do to move forward. The anger sets in and I am back at square one.
I am not sure if I will continue AlAnon. I hate the idea of working a program because someone else won't help himself. Rationally, I know that is not correct, but it is how I feel. Full of contempt and anger. My self-righteous attitude will not get me far will it?
I read on one of the posts that "there are no victims, only volunteers", well, I can not seem to detach 100% from him. And I seem to be a volunteer to my own disfunction too. Is it possible to "detach" from myself?
How does the definition of detachment hold hands with child visitation, bills, and other commitments that result from relationships?
Or is that another excuse I have made for my situation?
I am legally separated, and I can not explain why I have not followed through with the divorce as of yet. I seem to have numerous excuses, with fear always being number one.
I gave called the domestic violence line before (although he has never hit me) because I feel metally abused and controlled. Again, something else I have not followed through on. My spouse has been in law enforcement for many years, and I need for him to be gainfully employed so that he can pay the mortgage and other bills.
I often wonder, with the combination of addictions and personality, is this the equivalent of being physically abused? If I add my own insanity (of thinking that something will change) then I truly feel torn apart.
My decision for separation was made mostly for my children, but My shame and guilt also revolves around my children.
Please don't let me fool you, many days I have it all together. My mind runs the show, and I know that I am doing the right thing. Then there are days that he simply disgusts me, but the really bad days are when I can't understand how I got here and I obsess over what can I do to move forward. The anger sets in and I am back at square one.
I am not sure if I will continue AlAnon. I hate the idea of working a program because someone else won't help himself. Rationally, I know that is not correct, but it is how I feel. Full of contempt and anger. My self-righteous attitude will not get me far will it?
I read on one of the posts that "there are no victims, only volunteers", well, I can not seem to detach 100% from him. And I seem to be a volunteer to my own disfunction too. Is it possible to "detach" from myself?
How does the definition of detachment hold hands with child visitation, bills, and other commitments that result from relationships?
Or is that another excuse I have made for my situation?
To thine own self be true.
Join Date: May 2009
Location: U.S.A.
Posts: 5,924
all I really want to do is walk away into a whole new life
(((hugs)))
Member
Join Date: Jan 2012
Location: new moon road
Posts: 1,545
Well, I have never felt comfortable with that quote about victims and volunteers, having witnessed too many abused woman be psychologically decimated to the point of being nearly unable to remove themselves from their abusers.
You might pick up a book, "Why Does He Do That: Inside the Mind of an Abuser" by an author named Lundy. You may see your AH in those pages. It will open your eyes and affirm your experience.
Al-Anon is a spiritual program meant to restore one's feelings of self-worth and a return to one's deepest values. Perhaps you are viewing it as a program which is asking you to be self-critical, and that is absolutely not useful for anyone who has been abused. We find that the person we have hurt the most in these situations of abuse has been ourselves because our self-worth was shattered. In Al-Anon we ask ourselves what we are powerless over (all alcoholics and compulsive gamblers, for example) and what we have the power to change: ourselves. But changing ourselves does not mean to take ourselves apart critically--the alcoholic already has us in a thousand pieces on the floor--but to rebuild ourselves with respect and love for our sacred souls. We do this by connection with God, as we understand God, placing the lives of sick people in God's hands, and opening ourselves to a relationship with God which will bring us comfort and faith and self-worth as we rebuild our lives.
All the intense you emotions you describe are the result of having lived life inside a tornado for a long period of time. We try to focus on what is at hand in this day alone, and have faith that sanity and, yes, happiness will return as we are freed gradually from the experience of chaos we have endured in relationship with a chaotic person. We take personal responsibility for getting ourselves to a better place emotionally and physically, taking the focus off the alcoholic--waiting for him to be different-- and placing it on ourselves and our choices, including the choice to seek counseling and to work a spiritual program of some kind, whether 12-step or other source.
You did the right thing to separate for the sake of your children. You can relieve the shame and guilt you feel concerning your children by getting well, by seeking mental health counseling and continuing to sit in 12-Step meetings, even if those meetings are not always perfect. Children are resilient, and they respond very quickly to a return of stability and sanity in their lives. They can be healed, as you can, and that depends on your willingness to get well. I especially would suggest counseling for your teenager. Your oldest needs to be able to talk to someone who is outside the family situation and is skilled in healing communication.
Detachment means we take ourselves out of the picture regarding all aspects of the alcoholic's chaotic behaviors and insanity. We hand all that crap right back to him. We cooperate with visitation schedules and financial agreements but we unleash ourselves from whatever personal issues his out of control life is creating for him. We stay away from his acting out verbally and abusively. We let him deal with his own remorse and self-pity and negative emotions. We refuse to be in harm's way any longer. He is ON HIS OWN.
I'm sorry fear is impeding you for now, but as you get counseling and as your emotions settle as a result of the sane environment you create for yourself through the separation, I believe your fear will turn to resolve and you will be able to act in your own best interests. I find the book "Getting Them Sober" to be a wonderful backbone-builder, as it is very specific about the manipulations and insane behaviors of the alcoholic and what it does to us and what we can do differently. The title implies the book is about us helping the alcoholic, but the book is all about helping US.
We are here to give you support as things unfold. Hold your head high, whatever choice is at hand ask yourself "Is this good for me? Is this good for my children?"
You will survive this. You can bloom.
You might pick up a book, "Why Does He Do That: Inside the Mind of an Abuser" by an author named Lundy. You may see your AH in those pages. It will open your eyes and affirm your experience.
Al-Anon is a spiritual program meant to restore one's feelings of self-worth and a return to one's deepest values. Perhaps you are viewing it as a program which is asking you to be self-critical, and that is absolutely not useful for anyone who has been abused. We find that the person we have hurt the most in these situations of abuse has been ourselves because our self-worth was shattered. In Al-Anon we ask ourselves what we are powerless over (all alcoholics and compulsive gamblers, for example) and what we have the power to change: ourselves. But changing ourselves does not mean to take ourselves apart critically--the alcoholic already has us in a thousand pieces on the floor--but to rebuild ourselves with respect and love for our sacred souls. We do this by connection with God, as we understand God, placing the lives of sick people in God's hands, and opening ourselves to a relationship with God which will bring us comfort and faith and self-worth as we rebuild our lives.
All the intense you emotions you describe are the result of having lived life inside a tornado for a long period of time. We try to focus on what is at hand in this day alone, and have faith that sanity and, yes, happiness will return as we are freed gradually from the experience of chaos we have endured in relationship with a chaotic person. We take personal responsibility for getting ourselves to a better place emotionally and physically, taking the focus off the alcoholic--waiting for him to be different-- and placing it on ourselves and our choices, including the choice to seek counseling and to work a spiritual program of some kind, whether 12-step or other source.
You did the right thing to separate for the sake of your children. You can relieve the shame and guilt you feel concerning your children by getting well, by seeking mental health counseling and continuing to sit in 12-Step meetings, even if those meetings are not always perfect. Children are resilient, and they respond very quickly to a return of stability and sanity in their lives. They can be healed, as you can, and that depends on your willingness to get well. I especially would suggest counseling for your teenager. Your oldest needs to be able to talk to someone who is outside the family situation and is skilled in healing communication.
Detachment means we take ourselves out of the picture regarding all aspects of the alcoholic's chaotic behaviors and insanity. We hand all that crap right back to him. We cooperate with visitation schedules and financial agreements but we unleash ourselves from whatever personal issues his out of control life is creating for him. We stay away from his acting out verbally and abusively. We let him deal with his own remorse and self-pity and negative emotions. We refuse to be in harm's way any longer. He is ON HIS OWN.
I'm sorry fear is impeding you for now, but as you get counseling and as your emotions settle as a result of the sane environment you create for yourself through the separation, I believe your fear will turn to resolve and you will be able to act in your own best interests. I find the book "Getting Them Sober" to be a wonderful backbone-builder, as it is very specific about the manipulations and insane behaviors of the alcoholic and what it does to us and what we can do differently. The title implies the book is about us helping the alcoholic, but the book is all about helping US.
We are here to give you support as things unfold. Hold your head high, whatever choice is at hand ask yourself "Is this good for me? Is this good for my children?"
You will survive this. You can bloom.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2010
Posts: 2,349
Just wanted to follow up on English Garden's book reference. The author is Lundy Bancroft and he's written a few good books on relationships including the "Why Does he do That: Inside the Minds of Angry and Controlling Men." I'm currently working through a book called, "Should I stay or Should I go?: A guide to knowing if your relationship can-and should-be saved." It's been an eye opening book and I recommend it to anyone who's sitting on the fence like I am and who is willing to do some real work on themselves in complete honesty. Not saying it's helped me make a decision yet but I find the exercises to be quite valuable in helping me get out of my denial and avoidance of the real issues in my marriage. Hope this helps!
Member
Join Date: May 2012
Posts: 1,295
From my view, your prision is mostly financial. I understand with two toddlers just how daunting the idea of taking care of everything could be. I also know from my own fears and anxieties about finances that for me, the answer is to relax, take a few deep breaths, and remember Rome wasn't built in a day. Baby steps, as they are often called. One small thing at a time leads up to a pile of things accomplished. We never tackle a huge pile of anything, we tackle life one piece of that pile at a time.
Your prison also is mental, as you know. You feel trapped. There's always a way out, it's just finding that way. I think belief in yourself is crucial here. What can you do to build up your own self-confidence? And how about a part-time job as a step? Can you build up a support group within your community to help watch your children while you were working? What possibilities out there exist? What possibilities exist that you haven't realized yet? Thinking positively may help you to see more possibilities. You may have to get creative to discover more. It's a challenge and a problem to solve, but it's not a problem that can't be solved.
The only problem you can't solve is your H's addictions. That's solely up to him. As long as he continues on in denial, if you are with him you will live in a vicious circle and life won't progress in a forward motion, which is the natural progression of life.
Al-anon didn't work for me, to each their own. I tried, maybe not hard enough, I'll never know. I do know that when I was in too deep in the pain of the vicious circle, that what I really needed was one on one counseling, and that alanon wasn't focused enough solely on me or intense enough. I couldn't make alanon effective enough, and possibly because I was too deep in my individual pain to understand how hearing about others problems could help me with mine. I tried a few psychologists and didn't find one that clicked, the luck of the draw I suppose, so I had to endure the whole thing by myself until I came out on the other side, and I can't say if that is my personality or just the luck of how things turned out for me when I sought help from alanon or counseling.
I do know that talking to one specific friend who understood and had been there finally lit up some lightbulbs in my head that I didn't have to live that way, that the way my alcoholic and I related was not normal or sane, and that sanity was out there waiting for me, and that I didn't have to think in circles all day for the rest of my life and that life could go forward in a perhaps jagged line at times, but at least forward and no longer in circles.
Thinking in circles drove me mad. Angry, too, but when I say mad, I mean Einstein's definition of insanity--that to do the same thing over and over again and expect different results is insanity.
Your prison also is mental, as you know. You feel trapped. There's always a way out, it's just finding that way. I think belief in yourself is crucial here. What can you do to build up your own self-confidence? And how about a part-time job as a step? Can you build up a support group within your community to help watch your children while you were working? What possibilities out there exist? What possibilities exist that you haven't realized yet? Thinking positively may help you to see more possibilities. You may have to get creative to discover more. It's a challenge and a problem to solve, but it's not a problem that can't be solved.
The only problem you can't solve is your H's addictions. That's solely up to him. As long as he continues on in denial, if you are with him you will live in a vicious circle and life won't progress in a forward motion, which is the natural progression of life.
Al-anon didn't work for me, to each their own. I tried, maybe not hard enough, I'll never know. I do know that when I was in too deep in the pain of the vicious circle, that what I really needed was one on one counseling, and that alanon wasn't focused enough solely on me or intense enough. I couldn't make alanon effective enough, and possibly because I was too deep in my individual pain to understand how hearing about others problems could help me with mine. I tried a few psychologists and didn't find one that clicked, the luck of the draw I suppose, so I had to endure the whole thing by myself until I came out on the other side, and I can't say if that is my personality or just the luck of how things turned out for me when I sought help from alanon or counseling.
I do know that talking to one specific friend who understood and had been there finally lit up some lightbulbs in my head that I didn't have to live that way, that the way my alcoholic and I related was not normal or sane, and that sanity was out there waiting for me, and that I didn't have to think in circles all day for the rest of my life and that life could go forward in a perhaps jagged line at times, but at least forward and no longer in circles.
Thinking in circles drove me mad. Angry, too, but when I say mad, I mean Einstein's definition of insanity--that to do the same thing over and over again and expect different results is insanity.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2012
Posts: 4
I have sat here and read all of your posts tonight over and over again. The kindness, wisdom, and the ability to understand my feelings (probably better than myself) has moved me to tears. Many, many thanks to each and every one of you for allowing for me to lean on you during one of my darkest times.
I believe I will start with the book Getting Them Sober, and work my way through the other titles mentioned.
I haven't yet figured out how to quote from other posts, so please forgive me for not thanking each one of you personally. Every response has touched me and I am so glad that I found this site.
Many, many thanks.
I believe I will start with the book Getting Them Sober, and work my way through the other titles mentioned.
I haven't yet figured out how to quote from other posts, so please forgive me for not thanking each one of you personally. Every response has touched me and I am so glad that I found this site.
Many, many thanks.
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