I'm detached from the addict, how do I detach from the rest?
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2012
Posts: 499
I'm detached from the addict, how do I detach from the rest?
Hi, everyone! I want to start by thanking you all for all of the wonderful posts available here. I've been lurking off and on for a while and I never really got up the nerve to post anything until now. There are good days, and bad days, and this has just been a bad week I guess. So I finally created an account and I'm going to dump it all out here I guess.
I've been reading the available resources on dealing with family members who are addicts. My biggest issue is that most of the literature seems to be addressed to the enabler, which is understandable. I am not the enabler in my situation, but maybe I'm a little ahead of myself. I am the adult child (with one sister) of alcoholic (divorced) parents. We were raised by my mother. I started as the little parent, then became the hero. I moved away at 16 when my sister was 6. I'm 35 now.
My sister is a Heroin addict. She stole a lot of my things while "helping" me a while back - that's when I first found out about her addiction. Even my refrigerator. I was really angry, and hurt. I told her that. I told my mother that I was really angry and hurt, and that my sister was using drugs. She didn't believe me. And here is where my real problem is: my mother said I was a terrible person. I was being heartless and I expected too much of my sister, that if I weren't so cold and if I was a better person then maybe my sister wouldn't have any problems. This was almost 8 years ago now. She stopped talking to me until I apologized for over-reacting to having my belongings stolen by my sister and for suggesting that she had a drug problem. I did that to try to be the bigger person at the time.
Since then everyone knows about her problem because of her numerous trips to jail, possession charges, failed probation, rehab, etc. She apologizes all the time, as I'm sure most of you are pretty familiar with, but it will still be a long time before I trust her, if I ever do again. I've made my peace with that. I am, as the literature says, healthily detached from my sister. When she asks me for money with whatever scenario she has dreamed up this time I respond with "I love you and I care about you very much but I will not give you any money." This is working for me, we don't have much contact other than that.
My issue is with detachment from my mother, the enabler. My mom continues to pile on the bizarre excuses for my sister's behavior, and frequently implies that I bear some responsibility for her addiction. Because I moved away, because I am unavailable, because I won't pay for anything, etc. When I am concerned about a relapse, as I was this week because of contact from my sister with another long story begging for cash, she gets angry at me. She also blames my father, she gets mad at me when I speak to my father, she raised my sister to disrespect my father. I know I need to figure out a way to exercise the same detachment with my mom, but I'm uncertain of how to do that without just cutting ties altogether. I am hurt that she is angry at me. I know that I am hurt because I have an unhealthy amount of rage towards her (that I never express) about her enabling my sister, blaming me, and always choosing my sister over me.
I have to figure out how to stop being so angry about this whole mess. I know I am not totally done dealing with my feelings of hurt and anger toward my sister for ruining this family, but at least I have spoken honestly with her and I feel like I'm going in the right direction. I am not speaking honestly with my mom, and I really don't think it would go well if I did. She already acts so mad at me, I can't imagine how much more angry she would be if she knew how I really felt. Wow. So now I have typed out the short version (though it doesn't look like it, heh) and I realize in typing it that maybe that is what I need to finally do to be rid of these feelings. Or is there another way to dump this rage without dumping it ON anyone?
Thank you to anyone who made it this far, I just really feel like I have very few places to turn, it feels good to express something, even if it's just a small piece of the big picture. Thanks.
I've been reading the available resources on dealing with family members who are addicts. My biggest issue is that most of the literature seems to be addressed to the enabler, which is understandable. I am not the enabler in my situation, but maybe I'm a little ahead of myself. I am the adult child (with one sister) of alcoholic (divorced) parents. We were raised by my mother. I started as the little parent, then became the hero. I moved away at 16 when my sister was 6. I'm 35 now.
My sister is a Heroin addict. She stole a lot of my things while "helping" me a while back - that's when I first found out about her addiction. Even my refrigerator. I was really angry, and hurt. I told her that. I told my mother that I was really angry and hurt, and that my sister was using drugs. She didn't believe me. And here is where my real problem is: my mother said I was a terrible person. I was being heartless and I expected too much of my sister, that if I weren't so cold and if I was a better person then maybe my sister wouldn't have any problems. This was almost 8 years ago now. She stopped talking to me until I apologized for over-reacting to having my belongings stolen by my sister and for suggesting that she had a drug problem. I did that to try to be the bigger person at the time.
Since then everyone knows about her problem because of her numerous trips to jail, possession charges, failed probation, rehab, etc. She apologizes all the time, as I'm sure most of you are pretty familiar with, but it will still be a long time before I trust her, if I ever do again. I've made my peace with that. I am, as the literature says, healthily detached from my sister. When she asks me for money with whatever scenario she has dreamed up this time I respond with "I love you and I care about you very much but I will not give you any money." This is working for me, we don't have much contact other than that.
My issue is with detachment from my mother, the enabler. My mom continues to pile on the bizarre excuses for my sister's behavior, and frequently implies that I bear some responsibility for her addiction. Because I moved away, because I am unavailable, because I won't pay for anything, etc. When I am concerned about a relapse, as I was this week because of contact from my sister with another long story begging for cash, she gets angry at me. She also blames my father, she gets mad at me when I speak to my father, she raised my sister to disrespect my father. I know I need to figure out a way to exercise the same detachment with my mom, but I'm uncertain of how to do that without just cutting ties altogether. I am hurt that she is angry at me. I know that I am hurt because I have an unhealthy amount of rage towards her (that I never express) about her enabling my sister, blaming me, and always choosing my sister over me.
I have to figure out how to stop being so angry about this whole mess. I know I am not totally done dealing with my feelings of hurt and anger toward my sister for ruining this family, but at least I have spoken honestly with her and I feel like I'm going in the right direction. I am not speaking honestly with my mom, and I really don't think it would go well if I did. She already acts so mad at me, I can't imagine how much more angry she would be if she knew how I really felt. Wow. So now I have typed out the short version (though it doesn't look like it, heh) and I realize in typing it that maybe that is what I need to finally do to be rid of these feelings. Or is there another way to dump this rage without dumping it ON anyone?
Thank you to anyone who made it this far, I just really feel like I have very few places to turn, it feels good to express something, even if it's just a small piece of the big picture. Thanks.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2011
Location: Dallas TX
Posts: 2,282
We come here to express our hurt and frustration with people and conditions that
have hurt us.We do so because we intuitively understand that those who have been
through similarly trying situations can understand what we're going (and have gone)
through.
Thanks for sharing your story.
I,too, lurked for quite awhile before posting.
(I learned ALOT!)
Welcome to the forum.I myself have never felt unwelcome here---even
when told things I did not want to hear.
have hurt us.We do so because we intuitively understand that those who have been
through similarly trying situations can understand what we're going (and have gone)
through.
Thanks for sharing your story.
I,too, lurked for quite awhile before posting.
(I learned ALOT!)
Welcome to the forum.I myself have never felt unwelcome here---even
when told things I did not want to hear.
Member
Join Date: May 2009
Location: Land of Cotton
Posts: 3,433
If you're not willing at this time to cut all ties with your mom, have you considered creating a boundary with her that you won't discuss your sister at all?...or your dad?...or any of the variety of conditions you are "to blame for"? Tell her that you will politely end the conversation/leave/hang up if your boundaries are crossed? Sadly, you may find she has little else to discuss, eh?
I'm glad you've posted. It will help. Welcome!
I'm glad you've posted. It will help. Welcome!
Member
Join Date: Jul 2012
Location: new haven CT
Posts: 11
ohh! I can relate, glad you are taking care of yourself! it is so hard with family because we are taught to be there through thick and thin. When addiction is involved you have to think self preservation!! Way back in my college days I had to deal with this and a professor I confided in me said if you stay in this you will be sick too! get out and fast! do what you have to do to be on your own away from all of this! I did 3 jobs college and all! Till this day I know I have some coda issues but I have finally learned that I am worth saving!!
Hope this helps you !!stay strong!!
Hope this helps you !!stay strong!!
Member
Join Date: Jun 2012
Posts: 110
Hi Interrupted, I am currently in a similar situation as you (heroin addict sister, enabling mother, alcoholic father), and maybe we can help each other. Although, I have also not yet completely found a great strategy....
For over a year I've had no contact at all with my sister. She still emails me once in awhile, I read but I never answer. I moved six time zones away to Germany to get away from them all. Now my sister is 7 months pregnant (the father is an alcoholic), and although I haven't changed in any way, I'm being called out by my mother for my coldness and lack of support. She seems to have forgotten that her other daughter stole her engagement ring and shot herself up with heroin in my parents' own house not even two months before she got pregnant.
I normally call my mother every week from here. I refuse to talk about my sister and therefore we speak maybe 10 minutes. My mother NEVER calls me. And forget about ever suggesting to her that she could: 1. (at least) Admit that she neglected my brother and I in the effort to save our sister. 2. Maybe even visit, or send me money for a plane ticket (I've been back 3 times in two years). No no no, because she did the best she could, and after all, I'm the one who left them.
Sound familiar?
I didn't call last weekend and it felt GREAT! It's very early Saturday morning here and I'm considering not calling again this weekend. I've heard nothing from their side of the ocean. When all I hear is negative anyway, what's the point?
As for the anger, it helps me to think how it would be if my family suddenly reversed gears and started to act "normal". Would it change the past? Would it ever be anything other than awkward if they tried to show love? I'm 31 now and I don't need them or their twisted ideas of love anymore. And I don't want it either.
Think of how far you've come DESPITE them, Interrupted
For over a year I've had no contact at all with my sister. She still emails me once in awhile, I read but I never answer. I moved six time zones away to Germany to get away from them all. Now my sister is 7 months pregnant (the father is an alcoholic), and although I haven't changed in any way, I'm being called out by my mother for my coldness and lack of support. She seems to have forgotten that her other daughter stole her engagement ring and shot herself up with heroin in my parents' own house not even two months before she got pregnant.
I normally call my mother every week from here. I refuse to talk about my sister and therefore we speak maybe 10 minutes. My mother NEVER calls me. And forget about ever suggesting to her that she could: 1. (at least) Admit that she neglected my brother and I in the effort to save our sister. 2. Maybe even visit, or send me money for a plane ticket (I've been back 3 times in two years). No no no, because she did the best she could, and after all, I'm the one who left them.
Sound familiar?
I didn't call last weekend and it felt GREAT! It's very early Saturday morning here and I'm considering not calling again this weekend. I've heard nothing from their side of the ocean. When all I hear is negative anyway, what's the point?
As for the anger, it helps me to think how it would be if my family suddenly reversed gears and started to act "normal". Would it change the past? Would it ever be anything other than awkward if they tried to show love? I'm 31 now and I don't need them or their twisted ideas of love anymore. And I don't want it either.
Think of how far you've come DESPITE them, Interrupted
Member
Join Date: Jun 2012
Location: In a better place
Posts: 282
Hi, interrupted. ACOA here, and mother of AS in very early recovery. My father was an alcoholic and diagnosed as paranoid schizophrenic with manic-depressive tendencies, what today would be schizo affective disorder. Also have one younger sister. I was a "little parent" too, and became a big worrier, and acquired all the other traits associated with ACOA. I, too, have a strained relationship with my mother. She did the best she could with some definite limitations, intellectual, emotional and social.
I needed professional help as a young adult to cope with and process and begin to heal from the traumas of my childhood. They were dramatic and damaging, and even today, just like physical scars, the emotional ones will twinge or ache or get inflamed depending upon how much direct contact I have with my mother. She lives with us for economic reasons (she never earned a great deal, never owned a home, she's in her eighties now) so I have to carve out psychic space in order for us to live under the same roof. The house is big, my husband is as close to a saint as anyone I've ever met (and "handles" my mother's brand of crazy with such grace and good humor), and our two sons are also adept at dealing with their dear grandmother's...let's call them quirks.
I keep as much space around me as possible when dealing with my mother because I have to, for her sake as well as for mine. There are some bridges that are not meant to be crossed in this lifetime, at least that is how I conceptualize it in my situation. Respect, courtesy...and lots of space--internal and external. I have learned that I had to mourn the absence of not only a healthy, loving, sane father, but the absence of a mother that might have made things a little easier.
If you haven't sought any counseling, it might help. It might help to have someone assist you as you decide how best to approach the issues with your mother, if approaching them at all is the way to go. And I hope this does not offend you by my mentioning this, but your sister did not ruin your family any more than you had anything to do with her becoming a heroin addict. But you probably know that. You just need a safe, secure place to deal with the anger because until I did that work, it ate me alive. It was like walking around with a crouching tiger in my soul ready to pounce at the slightest provocation. Exhausting. And ultimately pointless.
I guess all I can say is "I hear ya, sister." It sucks. But you can grow and flourish and work it out and let it go and make the rules for your own life. You've already done so much of that already. ACOAs have mad skillz--we just need to learn how to use them for our own mature good.
Blessings to you. You sound pretty awesome to me.
I needed professional help as a young adult to cope with and process and begin to heal from the traumas of my childhood. They were dramatic and damaging, and even today, just like physical scars, the emotional ones will twinge or ache or get inflamed depending upon how much direct contact I have with my mother. She lives with us for economic reasons (she never earned a great deal, never owned a home, she's in her eighties now) so I have to carve out psychic space in order for us to live under the same roof. The house is big, my husband is as close to a saint as anyone I've ever met (and "handles" my mother's brand of crazy with such grace and good humor), and our two sons are also adept at dealing with their dear grandmother's...let's call them quirks.
I keep as much space around me as possible when dealing with my mother because I have to, for her sake as well as for mine. There are some bridges that are not meant to be crossed in this lifetime, at least that is how I conceptualize it in my situation. Respect, courtesy...and lots of space--internal and external. I have learned that I had to mourn the absence of not only a healthy, loving, sane father, but the absence of a mother that might have made things a little easier.
If you haven't sought any counseling, it might help. It might help to have someone assist you as you decide how best to approach the issues with your mother, if approaching them at all is the way to go. And I hope this does not offend you by my mentioning this, but your sister did not ruin your family any more than you had anything to do with her becoming a heroin addict. But you probably know that. You just need a safe, secure place to deal with the anger because until I did that work, it ate me alive. It was like walking around with a crouching tiger in my soul ready to pounce at the slightest provocation. Exhausting. And ultimately pointless.
I guess all I can say is "I hear ya, sister." It sucks. But you can grow and flourish and work it out and let it go and make the rules for your own life. You've already done so much of that already. ACOAs have mad skillz--we just need to learn how to use them for our own mature good.
Blessings to you. You sound pretty awesome to me.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2012
Location: In a better place
Posts: 282
My husband is my north star, my darling, my best friend. He is a gift to me, his sons, his step-son (my oldest), his students, colleagues and friends. That he's also one of the most hilarious men on earth is just proof of God's mercy on my soul!
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2012
Posts: 499
Thank you all for the kind replies! Today seems a little easier (no matter what comes) because of them.
You nailed it here. I just tried to imagine what a conversation might look like without discussing my sister and I really can't even imagine. I don't mean to paint my mom as a horrible person, she's not, she's a strong woman who raised us alone, she has just lost her way a bit dealing with what life has handed her. :/
Sounds EXTREMELY familiar! I can't even express how great it feels to know there are others experiencing this same frustration. Not that I would wish it on anyone, of course, but it's just comforting to know I'm not alone. I like the last thing you said - in my moments of greater clarity I am able to withdraw enough to realize exactly that.
Thank you so much! I'm glad you found your husband to help weather the storm, I also have a patient, even keeled guy as my rock; I don't know what I would do without him.
I needed to hear the part that I bolded. You are absolutely correct. And me blaming her for this is exactly like my mom blaming me for her addiction, it's nonsensical. I need to work on understanding that, I think, because I believe it to be true.
You guys are all so great. You seriously made my day with your responses. I'm glad to be here and to have found a place to air this stuff out. Thank you again!
Originally Posted by tjp613 
If you're not willing at this time to cut all ties with your mom, have you considered creating a boundary with her that you won't discuss your sister at all?...or your dad?...or any of the variety of conditions you are "to blame for"? Tell her that you will politely end the conversation/leave/hang up if your boundaries are crossed? Sadly, you may find she has little else to discuss, eh?
I'm glad you've posted. It will help. Welcome!
I'm glad you've posted. It will help. Welcome!
Originally Posted by farfaraway
Hi Interrupted, I am currently in a similar situation as you (heroin addict sister, enabling mother, alcoholic father), and maybe we can help each other. Although, I have also not yet completely found a great strategy....
For over a year I've had no contact at all with my sister. She still emails me once in awhile, I read but I never answer. I moved six time zones away to Germany to get away from them all. Now my sister is 7 months pregnant (the father is an alcoholic), and although I haven't changed in any way, I'm being called out by my mother for my coldness and lack of support. She seems to have forgotten that her other daughter stole her engagement ring and shot herself up with heroin in my parents' own house not even two months before she got pregnant.
I normally call my mother every week from here. I refuse to talk about my sister and therefore we speak maybe 10 minutes. My mother NEVER calls me. And forget about ever suggesting to her that she could: 1. (at least) Admit that she neglected my brother and I in the effort to save our sister. 2. Maybe even visit, or send me money for a plane ticket (I've been back 3 times in two years). No no no, because she did the best she could, and after all, I'm the one who left them.
Sound familiar?
I didn't call last weekend and it felt GREAT! It's very early Saturday morning here and I'm considering not calling again this weekend. I've heard nothing from their side of the ocean. When all I hear is negative anyway, what's the point?
As for the anger, it helps me to think how it would be if my family suddenly reversed gears and started to act "normal". Would it change the past? Would it ever be anything other than awkward if they tried to show love? I'm 31 now and I don't need them or their twisted ideas of love anymore. And I don't want it either.
Think of how far you've come DESPITE them, Interrupted
For over a year I've had no contact at all with my sister. She still emails me once in awhile, I read but I never answer. I moved six time zones away to Germany to get away from them all. Now my sister is 7 months pregnant (the father is an alcoholic), and although I haven't changed in any way, I'm being called out by my mother for my coldness and lack of support. She seems to have forgotten that her other daughter stole her engagement ring and shot herself up with heroin in my parents' own house not even two months before she got pregnant.
I normally call my mother every week from here. I refuse to talk about my sister and therefore we speak maybe 10 minutes. My mother NEVER calls me. And forget about ever suggesting to her that she could: 1. (at least) Admit that she neglected my brother and I in the effort to save our sister. 2. Maybe even visit, or send me money for a plane ticket (I've been back 3 times in two years). No no no, because she did the best she could, and after all, I'm the one who left them.
Sound familiar?
I didn't call last weekend and it felt GREAT! It's very early Saturday morning here and I'm considering not calling again this weekend. I've heard nothing from their side of the ocean. When all I hear is negative anyway, what's the point?
As for the anger, it helps me to think how it would be if my family suddenly reversed gears and started to act "normal". Would it change the past? Would it ever be anything other than awkward if they tried to show love? I'm 31 now and I don't need them or their twisted ideas of love anymore. And I don't want it either.
Think of how far you've come DESPITE them, Interrupted
Originally Posted by PrayingMama
Hi, interrupted. ACOA here, and mother of AS in very early recovery. My father was an alcoholic and diagnosed as paranoid schizophrenic with manic-depressive tendencies, what today would be schizo affective disorder. Also have one younger sister. I was a "little parent" too, and became a big worrier, and acquired all the other traits associated with ACOA. I, too, have a strained relationship with my mother. She did the best she could with some definite limitations, intellectual, emotional and social.
I needed professional help as a young adult to cope with and process and begin to heal from the traumas of my childhood. They were dramatic and damaging, and even today, just like physical scars, the emotional ones will twinge or ache or get inflamed depending upon how much direct contact I have with my mother. She lives with us for economic reasons (she never earned a great deal, never owned a home, she's in her eighties now) so I have to carve out psychic space in order for us to live under the same roof. The house is big, my husband is as close to a saint as anyone I've ever met (and "handles" my mother's brand of crazy with such grace and good humor), and our two sons are also adept at dealing with their dear grandmother's...let's call them quirks.
I keep as much space around me as possible when dealing with my mother because I have to, for her sake as well as for mine. There are some bridges that are not meant to be crossed in this lifetime, at least that is how I conceptualize it in my situation. Respect, courtesy...and lots of space--internal and external. I have learned that I had to mourn the absence of not only a healthy, loving, sane father, but the absence of a mother that might have made things a little easier.
If you haven't sought any counseling, it might help. It might help to have someone assist you as you decide how best to approach the issues with your mother, if approaching them at all is the way to go. And I hope this does not offend you by my mentioning this, but your sister did not ruin your family any more than you had anything to do with her becoming a heroin addict. But you probably know that. You just need a safe, secure place to deal with the anger because until I did that work, it ate me alive. It was like walking around with a crouching tiger in my soul ready to pounce at the slightest provocation. Exhausting. And ultimately pointless.
I guess all I can say is "I hear ya, sister." It sucks. But you can grow and flourish and work it out and let it go and make the rules for your own life. You've already done so much of that already. ACOAs have mad skillz--we just need to learn how to use them for our own mature good.
Blessings to you. You sound pretty awesome to me.
I needed professional help as a young adult to cope with and process and begin to heal from the traumas of my childhood. They were dramatic and damaging, and even today, just like physical scars, the emotional ones will twinge or ache or get inflamed depending upon how much direct contact I have with my mother. She lives with us for economic reasons (she never earned a great deal, never owned a home, she's in her eighties now) so I have to carve out psychic space in order for us to live under the same roof. The house is big, my husband is as close to a saint as anyone I've ever met (and "handles" my mother's brand of crazy with such grace and good humor), and our two sons are also adept at dealing with their dear grandmother's...let's call them quirks.
I keep as much space around me as possible when dealing with my mother because I have to, for her sake as well as for mine. There are some bridges that are not meant to be crossed in this lifetime, at least that is how I conceptualize it in my situation. Respect, courtesy...and lots of space--internal and external. I have learned that I had to mourn the absence of not only a healthy, loving, sane father, but the absence of a mother that might have made things a little easier.
If you haven't sought any counseling, it might help. It might help to have someone assist you as you decide how best to approach the issues with your mother, if approaching them at all is the way to go. And I hope this does not offend you by my mentioning this, but your sister did not ruin your family any more than you had anything to do with her becoming a heroin addict. But you probably know that. You just need a safe, secure place to deal with the anger because until I did that work, it ate me alive. It was like walking around with a crouching tiger in my soul ready to pounce at the slightest provocation. Exhausting. And ultimately pointless.
I guess all I can say is "I hear ya, sister." It sucks. But you can grow and flourish and work it out and let it go and make the rules for your own life. You've already done so much of that already. ACOAs have mad skillz--we just need to learn how to use them for our own mature good.
Blessings to you. You sound pretty awesome to me.
I needed to hear the part that I bolded. You are absolutely correct. And me blaming her for this is exactly like my mom blaming me for her addiction, it's nonsensical. I need to work on understanding that, I think, because I believe it to be true.
You guys are all so great. You seriously made my day with your responses. I'm glad to be here and to have found a place to air this stuff out. Thank you again!
Member
Join Date: May 2012
Posts: 1,295
Have you considered that your mother might be intimidated by your success and independence?
Your story reads to me like that your mother clings to your sister because your sister is wounded and needy.
You, however, are neither. This scares your mother because you don't need her.
I read a lot of mental sickness in your mother. I'm not saying that judgmentally, but that she is sick and has apparently never sought help.
At some point you left home and your mother may see that as abandonment. You went out into the world and proved yourself. She twisted that and read it as that you didn't need her. How sad. Your mother reads to me as that she is very insecure.
I have one daughter and as soon as she wanted to try to fly, I simply got out of the way. I was here should she have wanted or needed me. But I never resented her independence!
Please don't let the manipulation that you are responsible for your sister's addiction take a hold on you. Don't believe your mother's words at all. You are well, and your mother doesn't understand wellness, and she appears to be sabotaging your success at a normal healthy mental life.
I don't want to give unasked for advice, but I wonder if you simply told your mother when you call--Hey mom, I love you! if she would start to realize that independence, success, healthy mind and living, do not destroy your love for her, that you still love her, even if you don't NEED her in some unhealthy way. Can your mom distinguish healthy love from unhealthy neediness?
Your story reads to me like that your mother clings to your sister because your sister is wounded and needy.
You, however, are neither. This scares your mother because you don't need her.
I read a lot of mental sickness in your mother. I'm not saying that judgmentally, but that she is sick and has apparently never sought help.
At some point you left home and your mother may see that as abandonment. You went out into the world and proved yourself. She twisted that and read it as that you didn't need her. How sad. Your mother reads to me as that she is very insecure.
I have one daughter and as soon as she wanted to try to fly, I simply got out of the way. I was here should she have wanted or needed me. But I never resented her independence!
Please don't let the manipulation that you are responsible for your sister's addiction take a hold on you. Don't believe your mother's words at all. You are well, and your mother doesn't understand wellness, and she appears to be sabotaging your success at a normal healthy mental life.
I don't want to give unasked for advice, but I wonder if you simply told your mother when you call--Hey mom, I love you! if she would start to realize that independence, success, healthy mind and living, do not destroy your love for her, that you still love her, even if you don't NEED her in some unhealthy way. Can your mom distinguish healthy love from unhealthy neediness?
Member
Join Date: May 2010
Posts: 720
Welcome interrupted
As yet another "little parent" here I can completely relate to what you are going through. My issue was with my father though not mother. The idea of setting boundries around your interactions with your Mom is going to be key - but you do not need to discuss your boundries with her. What you do is just put them in place and enforce them for yourself.
Quick example. I was the parent and peacemaker in my family. My father was highly verbal and intelligent and loved to debate (argue) just for the fun of it. Felt like everything was serious and you had to fight to defend any opinions you might have - all the time. After I moved out and started my own family I realized how much I cherished the calm and peace of not having to engage in mental gymnastics all the time. But each time I saw my father or talked to him I was pulled right back into it. So I decided to stop engaging. I would talk to him but I just STOPPED the debating - didn't bother defending my position. A few years later he informed me that I wasn't any fun to talk to any more......whoo hooo!!! Good for me I made a change for myself. Really I don't think there is any point in explaining what we are doing to the people who are causing us pain.....just change your way of interacting for you and see how powerful that can be.
Hugs to you....I know it's tough but it is great that you are addressing the situation!
As yet another "little parent" here I can completely relate to what you are going through. My issue was with my father though not mother. The idea of setting boundries around your interactions with your Mom is going to be key - but you do not need to discuss your boundries with her. What you do is just put them in place and enforce them for yourself.
Quick example. I was the parent and peacemaker in my family. My father was highly verbal and intelligent and loved to debate (argue) just for the fun of it. Felt like everything was serious and you had to fight to defend any opinions you might have - all the time. After I moved out and started my own family I realized how much I cherished the calm and peace of not having to engage in mental gymnastics all the time. But each time I saw my father or talked to him I was pulled right back into it. So I decided to stop engaging. I would talk to him but I just STOPPED the debating - didn't bother defending my position. A few years later he informed me that I wasn't any fun to talk to any more......whoo hooo!!! Good for me I made a change for myself. Really I don't think there is any point in explaining what we are doing to the people who are causing us pain.....just change your way of interacting for you and see how powerful that can be.
Hugs to you....I know it's tough but it is great that you are addressing the situation!
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2012
Posts: 499
Originally Posted by MadeOfGlass
Have you considered that your mother might be intimidated by your success and independence?
Your story reads to me like that your mother clings to your sister because your sister is wounded and needy.
You, however, are neither. This scares your mother because you don't need her.
I read a lot of mental sickness in your mother. I'm not saying that judgmentally, but that she is sick and has apparently never sought help.
At some point you left home and your mother may see that as abandonment. You went out into the world and proved yourself. She twisted that and read it as that you didn't need her. How sad. Your mother reads to me as that she is very insecure.
I have one daughter and as soon as she wanted to try to fly, I simply got out of the way. I was here should she have wanted or needed me. But I never resented her independence!
Please don't let the manipulation that you are responsible for your sister's addiction take a hold on you. Don't believe your mother's words at all. You are well, and your mother doesn't understand wellness, and she appears to be sabotaging your success at a normal healthy mental life.
I don't want to give unasked for advice, but I wonder if you simply told your mother when you call--Hey mom, I love you! if she would start to realize that independence, success, healthy mind and living, do not destroy your love for her, that you still love her, even if you don't NEED her in some unhealthy way. Can your mom distinguish healthy love from unhealthy neediness?
Your story reads to me like that your mother clings to your sister because your sister is wounded and needy.
You, however, are neither. This scares your mother because you don't need her.
I read a lot of mental sickness in your mother. I'm not saying that judgmentally, but that she is sick and has apparently never sought help.
At some point you left home and your mother may see that as abandonment. You went out into the world and proved yourself. She twisted that and read it as that you didn't need her. How sad. Your mother reads to me as that she is very insecure.
I have one daughter and as soon as she wanted to try to fly, I simply got out of the way. I was here should she have wanted or needed me. But I never resented her independence!
Please don't let the manipulation that you are responsible for your sister's addiction take a hold on you. Don't believe your mother's words at all. You are well, and your mother doesn't understand wellness, and she appears to be sabotaging your success at a normal healthy mental life.
I don't want to give unasked for advice, but I wonder if you simply told your mother when you call--Hey mom, I love you! if she would start to realize that independence, success, healthy mind and living, do not destroy your love for her, that you still love her, even if you don't NEED her in some unhealthy way. Can your mom distinguish healthy love from unhealthy neediness?
Currently Active Users Viewing this Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
