This is some of the toughest stuff
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2010
Location: San Diego
Posts: 522
This is some of the toughest stuff
So, I've decided there is someone else in my life that I will need to separate myself from.
This is tough because this is a lady friend who, in theory, I could see myself having a relationship with.
However, she is a very heavy drinker (of course, so am I) who has no desire for recovery. It's not a relationship I could be in and stay sober.
She was to be my date to a friend's wedding next month. I'm sure I can survive the wedding sober on my own, but if I take her with me, I don't think I could stay sober. Not blaming her, I just know myself, I would get caught up in the partying atmosphere, etc, etc.
So all I'm all down, not looking forward to telling her. Don't know how she'll react.
Basically, I feel resentment, anger, and self-pity, and if I'm not careful those things will send me back to the bottle.
Thanks for letting me vent.
-SD
This is tough because this is a lady friend who, in theory, I could see myself having a relationship with.
However, she is a very heavy drinker (of course, so am I) who has no desire for recovery. It's not a relationship I could be in and stay sober.
She was to be my date to a friend's wedding next month. I'm sure I can survive the wedding sober on my own, but if I take her with me, I don't think I could stay sober. Not blaming her, I just know myself, I would get caught up in the partying atmosphere, etc, etc.
So all I'm all down, not looking forward to telling her. Don't know how she'll react.
Basically, I feel resentment, anger, and self-pity, and if I'm not careful those things will send me back to the bottle.
Thanks for letting me vent.
-SD
A simple guy making his way
Join Date: Apr 2012
Location: Maine
Posts: 7,867
SD... Placing yourself over others is hard.
Everyone here is going to tell you this very same thing.... You are doing the right thing.
True no one can make you drink but surrounding yourself ... and myself too....With those who will not lead us back to where we do not want to go is what needs to be at times.
Best to you... Losing friends is not easy.
Everyone here is going to tell you this very same thing.... You are doing the right thing.
True no one can make you drink but surrounding yourself ... and myself too....With those who will not lead us back to where we do not want to go is what needs to be at times.
Best to you... Losing friends is not easy.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2010
Location: San Diego
Posts: 4,451
That is a tough thing, SD. But it has to be done. Even if we put aside your recovery for a moment, you have a child. As single parents, we have a special standard to apply to anyone we date.
Breaking up sucks. As for how she'll react, you have no control over that. I think if you keep it about you—the fact you need to get back on track with your recovery, and don't have the energy for a relationship right now, which is almost certainly the case regardless of her drinking—then you might be able to avoid putting her on the defensive.
Sorry—but I am glad to see you making this choice.
PS: Let me know if you want to grab a cup of coffee Sunday.
Breaking up sucks. As for how she'll react, you have no control over that. I think if you keep it about you—the fact you need to get back on track with your recovery, and don't have the energy for a relationship right now, which is almost certainly the case regardless of her drinking—then you might be able to avoid putting her on the defensive.
Sorry—but I am glad to see you making this choice.
PS: Let me know if you want to grab a cup of coffee Sunday.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2012
Location: UK
Posts: 1,145
If she is threatening (directly or indirectly) your sobriety then of course you must think of yourself and if you don't think you can remain sober with her then you must decide what is more important... the only thing I'm wondering is why, if you go to the wedding with her, will that make a difference to the party atmosphere? Won't that be the case whether she comes or not? Not trying to alarm you, just wondering why her presence will make that more difficult for you?
Administrator
Join Date: Aug 2003
Location: Dancing in the Light
Posts: 61,447
Know that you're doing the right thing for yourself, and maybe your friend will eventually follow your example. But, for now, you know what you need to do to take care of yourself.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2010
Location: San Diego
Posts: 522
Originally Posted by ReadyAndAble 
That is a tough thing, SD. But it has to be done. Even if we put aside your recovery for a moment, you have a child. As single parents, we have a special standard to apply to anyone we date.
PS: Let me know if you want to grab a cup of coffee Sunday.
PS: Let me know if you want to grab a cup of coffee Sunday.
You're right R&A.
He's growing up before my eyes (8 years old next Sun!). If I don't find recovery, he'll be a teenager without a dad (got some negative lab results due of course to my alcoholism; reversible but I don't know for how much longer).
I have just become so effing selfish. It's always me, me, me, what do I want? The hell with everyone else.
When I look at this relationship with this woman in this way, it makes what I am going to tell her a little easier swallow.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2010
Location: San Diego
Posts: 4,451
Yep—there's no guilt in doing the right thing, especially when it's the right thing for your boy.
My girl turned 8 last month. What a great age. I'm glad you're going to be able to make the most of it!
My girl turned 8 last month. What a great age. I'm glad you're going to be able to make the most of it!
A girl can dream...
Join Date: May 2012
Location: Recovery Road
Posts: 388
Early Warning Signs
Hi SDSurfn,
Everyone is right - you have to take care of yourself first and if not having this woman in your life will help you with your recovery then that's that. When I married my husband I THOUGHT he was a recovering alcoholic. I was a social drinker. Less than a year into it I find out he's been drinking behind my back. Eventually he started to drink openly in front of me and we have become heavy drinkers. It's been 14 years and I look back at the lost time and just cringe. I don't want to wake up in another 14 years and still be in the same boat.
If you're friend is a heavy drinker now, she may continue down that road or she may support you and try and quit too. But if she doesn't, don't let her drag you down. You obviously want a sober life.
Everyone is right - you have to take care of yourself first and if not having this woman in your life will help you with your recovery then that's that. When I married my husband I THOUGHT he was a recovering alcoholic. I was a social drinker. Less than a year into it I find out he's been drinking behind my back. Eventually he started to drink openly in front of me and we have become heavy drinkers. It's been 14 years and I look back at the lost time and just cringe. I don't want to wake up in another 14 years and still be in the same boat.
If you're friend is a heavy drinker now, she may continue down that road or she may support you and try and quit too. But if she doesn't, don't let her drag you down. You obviously want a sober life.
Currently Active Users Viewing this Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
