I'm all thought, no action
I'm all thought, no action
Howdy.
Well, first baby step taken, I guess. I've been lurking for a while and have finally registered. Why is this so hard?
I want to start by thanking all the folks who have been posting and telling their stories and sharing their experiences - good and bad. In almost every thread I've read, I've seen a bit of my own life being reflected back at me. At times it was almost eerie, at times comforting that others have managed to deal with similar situations, but often just very sad. Oh, damn, the tears are starting again.
I'm a mess. My life is a mess. My house is a mess. My family is a mess. And my marriage is a mess. My husband has been a highly functioning alcoholic since I've met him, which made it really easy to stick my head in the sand and deny, deny, deny.
As I'm writing this, he's passed out on the easy chair in front of the TV after drinking almost a whole bottle of cheap corn liquor. He took three weeks vacation off from work, and goes back on Monday. Most of the vacation time he's spent drunk and passed out, and I just can't deny it any more.
My situation isn't half as bad as some of the stories I've read. I'm not making excuses, just being realistic. We are both in our late 40s, married almost 15 years, first marriage for both, no children, and there's no trouble with physical abuse or violence. My husband has never ever hit me and I am not afraid of him. I'm afraid FOR him. And I'm afraid for us.
Very few people know that he's an alcoholic, although some are beginning to suspect. His drinking started getting a lot worse last year and it has finally turned into a huge crisis for me, for us... but still not for him.
His Boss ordered him into alcohol counselling a month ago. My husband is going through the motions just to keep the Boss happy. He's gone to two group meetings at a local addiction center just to get the attendance slip to show his Boss that he's doing something. Each time, he's come home saying it was a complete waste of time and he's nowhere near as bad as the other people there. He hears stories of ending up in intensive care at the hospital, or physical abuse and violence with police involvement, or chronic unemployment, and doesn't identify with any of them.
As a high functioning alcoholic (up to now) he's never been fired, has enjoyed a successful career with lots of business travel all over the world, has the respect of his peers and a good reputation which is only now starting to become affected. And as long as he continues to deny that he has a problem then there is absolutely nothing to stop the train wreck which I see coming at us.
Last year was a bad one for both of us. I had to fly back to North America several times after it became obvious that my Mom wasn't able to manage living alone any more. I had to move my Mother into a senior's home and clear out and sell her place. While I was there on my last trip, my husband's Father had a major heart attack and almost died. He survived but will never be the strong and active man he was. As the 'baby' of the family, my husband had a really difficult time even though his three older siblings took care of everything. (Fantastic family, no problems for me there!) I thought... hoped my husband's increase in drinking would just be temporary but it continues to get worse.
Previously, he'd come home from work and have a few beers every night before going to bed and only get drunk on weekends. Now he's drinking to the point of passing out almost every single night.
His main reasons or excuses for abusing alcohol are stress and insomnia. Once in a while he blames me, but that's only when I lose my patience and discuss the topic of alcohol abuse and alcoholism. He gets defensive and looks for anything or anyone to blame. Typical, and I don't take it personally. I've read enough to understand what is going on. So I try not to nag and get into fights about his drinking, and am also working on not making any more excuses for him to myself or to others. I get the fact that nothing I do or say will change him. We can only change ourselves.
The hardest part is that I live in a rural area where drinking lots of alcohol is seen as a normal part of daily life. People joke about it and few take it seriously. Although there is AlAnon in the next town, it isn't done in English. I am just starting to build up my confidence to perhaps go to a meeting, try to stay in the background and just see how much I understand. Not quite there yet, but at least I've gotten the address and meeting dates.
Sometimes I think I just need a swift kick in the butt to get me moving. All talk... or rather all thought, and no action. That's me.
Well, perhaps I'm being a little hard on myself. I've gone and had a chat with my husband's doctor about the alcohol abuse. He didn't take me seriously until I mentioned the bottle hiding. That made him sit up and take notice. When my husband soon afterwards stumbled drunkenly and fell in the living room and broke two ribs, the doctor ordered blood tests and checked his liver function. It showed a slight elevation but nothing that would have raised any warning flags had I not spoken with him. I feel a little guilty about speaking with the doctor behind my husband's back but at the same time I feel relieved that he's aware of it and that so far my husband isn't facing immediate health consequences.
The doctor has started talking to my husband about getting stress relief counselling and my husband seems to have bought into the idea that he's suffering burnout syndrome. I figured getting him to go to a burnout clinic for inpatient treatment would also help him identify and admit the alcohol abuse. Yep... and there's me again going back into denial. It isn't simple burnout. He's an alcoholic.
Oh, in case you're wondering, I haven't said anything to anyone at my husband's work place. The Boss noticed a problem on his own.
I have also spoken with my own doctor about it, and have an appointment with an English speaking psychologist set up for a one-to-one session for myself. It isn't until September, but this guy comes highly recommended and I'm not really in a complete crisis breakdown so I can wait. There's no sense in going to someone who doesn't speak English fluently.
I'm also considering going back to work. This is going to be tough since I haven't held any regular job since moving to Europe 15 years ago. My credentials aren't accepted here, and I'm not fluent in the language. I can speak and understand fairly well, but my writing and grammar is still too horrible for anything I used to do. So I have to reinvent myself. I've already taken stock of what skills I have which might be marketable here and started looking around. The first real baby step I took was just this week when I joined an exchange network in my community where people trade services. I figured it was a risk-free way of testing the market, meeting people and seeing how I'd be accepted. The initial response was quite positive and I feel good about it, even though it is still a far ways towards getting real employment. Several people expressed interest and asked for my contact details. We'll see how that plays out when the new lists come out with my name included for the first time. My husband is being supportive, when he's sober enough to talk to me.
When he is conscious, my husband is a fantastic guy. And he's one of those drunks who gets all loving and romantic when he drinks.... until he passes out. We used to have a lot of fun together, but now we rarely do anything together anymore. When he's home, it's like having just another piece of furniture in the house. So strange. He's right here and yet I miss him.
Damn. I've written the Great American Novel. Sorry about that.
Well, first baby step taken, I guess. I've been lurking for a while and have finally registered. Why is this so hard?
I want to start by thanking all the folks who have been posting and telling their stories and sharing their experiences - good and bad. In almost every thread I've read, I've seen a bit of my own life being reflected back at me. At times it was almost eerie, at times comforting that others have managed to deal with similar situations, but often just very sad. Oh, damn, the tears are starting again.
I'm a mess. My life is a mess. My house is a mess. My family is a mess. And my marriage is a mess. My husband has been a highly functioning alcoholic since I've met him, which made it really easy to stick my head in the sand and deny, deny, deny.
As I'm writing this, he's passed out on the easy chair in front of the TV after drinking almost a whole bottle of cheap corn liquor. He took three weeks vacation off from work, and goes back on Monday. Most of the vacation time he's spent drunk and passed out, and I just can't deny it any more.
My situation isn't half as bad as some of the stories I've read. I'm not making excuses, just being realistic. We are both in our late 40s, married almost 15 years, first marriage for both, no children, and there's no trouble with physical abuse or violence. My husband has never ever hit me and I am not afraid of him. I'm afraid FOR him. And I'm afraid for us.
Very few people know that he's an alcoholic, although some are beginning to suspect. His drinking started getting a lot worse last year and it has finally turned into a huge crisis for me, for us... but still not for him.
His Boss ordered him into alcohol counselling a month ago. My husband is going through the motions just to keep the Boss happy. He's gone to two group meetings at a local addiction center just to get the attendance slip to show his Boss that he's doing something. Each time, he's come home saying it was a complete waste of time and he's nowhere near as bad as the other people there. He hears stories of ending up in intensive care at the hospital, or physical abuse and violence with police involvement, or chronic unemployment, and doesn't identify with any of them.
As a high functioning alcoholic (up to now) he's never been fired, has enjoyed a successful career with lots of business travel all over the world, has the respect of his peers and a good reputation which is only now starting to become affected. And as long as he continues to deny that he has a problem then there is absolutely nothing to stop the train wreck which I see coming at us.
Last year was a bad one for both of us. I had to fly back to North America several times after it became obvious that my Mom wasn't able to manage living alone any more. I had to move my Mother into a senior's home and clear out and sell her place. While I was there on my last trip, my husband's Father had a major heart attack and almost died. He survived but will never be the strong and active man he was. As the 'baby' of the family, my husband had a really difficult time even though his three older siblings took care of everything. (Fantastic family, no problems for me there!) I thought... hoped my husband's increase in drinking would just be temporary but it continues to get worse.
Previously, he'd come home from work and have a few beers every night before going to bed and only get drunk on weekends. Now he's drinking to the point of passing out almost every single night.
His main reasons or excuses for abusing alcohol are stress and insomnia. Once in a while he blames me, but that's only when I lose my patience and discuss the topic of alcohol abuse and alcoholism. He gets defensive and looks for anything or anyone to blame. Typical, and I don't take it personally. I've read enough to understand what is going on. So I try not to nag and get into fights about his drinking, and am also working on not making any more excuses for him to myself or to others. I get the fact that nothing I do or say will change him. We can only change ourselves.
The hardest part is that I live in a rural area where drinking lots of alcohol is seen as a normal part of daily life. People joke about it and few take it seriously. Although there is AlAnon in the next town, it isn't done in English. I am just starting to build up my confidence to perhaps go to a meeting, try to stay in the background and just see how much I understand. Not quite there yet, but at least I've gotten the address and meeting dates.
Sometimes I think I just need a swift kick in the butt to get me moving. All talk... or rather all thought, and no action. That's me.
Well, perhaps I'm being a little hard on myself. I've gone and had a chat with my husband's doctor about the alcohol abuse. He didn't take me seriously until I mentioned the bottle hiding. That made him sit up and take notice. When my husband soon afterwards stumbled drunkenly and fell in the living room and broke two ribs, the doctor ordered blood tests and checked his liver function. It showed a slight elevation but nothing that would have raised any warning flags had I not spoken with him. I feel a little guilty about speaking with the doctor behind my husband's back but at the same time I feel relieved that he's aware of it and that so far my husband isn't facing immediate health consequences.
The doctor has started talking to my husband about getting stress relief counselling and my husband seems to have bought into the idea that he's suffering burnout syndrome. I figured getting him to go to a burnout clinic for inpatient treatment would also help him identify and admit the alcohol abuse. Yep... and there's me again going back into denial. It isn't simple burnout. He's an alcoholic.
Oh, in case you're wondering, I haven't said anything to anyone at my husband's work place. The Boss noticed a problem on his own.
I have also spoken with my own doctor about it, and have an appointment with an English speaking psychologist set up for a one-to-one session for myself. It isn't until September, but this guy comes highly recommended and I'm not really in a complete crisis breakdown so I can wait. There's no sense in going to someone who doesn't speak English fluently.
I'm also considering going back to work. This is going to be tough since I haven't held any regular job since moving to Europe 15 years ago. My credentials aren't accepted here, and I'm not fluent in the language. I can speak and understand fairly well, but my writing and grammar is still too horrible for anything I used to do. So I have to reinvent myself. I've already taken stock of what skills I have which might be marketable here and started looking around. The first real baby step I took was just this week when I joined an exchange network in my community where people trade services. I figured it was a risk-free way of testing the market, meeting people and seeing how I'd be accepted. The initial response was quite positive and I feel good about it, even though it is still a far ways towards getting real employment. Several people expressed interest and asked for my contact details. We'll see how that plays out when the new lists come out with my name included for the first time. My husband is being supportive, when he's sober enough to talk to me.
When he is conscious, my husband is a fantastic guy. And he's one of those drunks who gets all loving and romantic when he drinks.... until he passes out. We used to have a lot of fun together, but now we rarely do anything together anymore. When he's home, it's like having just another piece of furniture in the house. So strange. He's right here and yet I miss him.
Damn. I've written the Great American Novel. Sorry about that.
Member
Join Date: May 2012
Posts: 1,295
LOL...that isn't the great American novel, or if it is, it is the Stephen King horror version!
I can completely relate. Now divorced from a very highly functioning alcoholic who is successful, but drank everyday of the week and passed out many of those days except for the occasional dry day to prove to himself he could still do it, even if white-knuckling the entire time.
His boss has noticed it to the point of demanding some type of help. To me, that means he has crossed some line, and is no longer the successful career man he has been up to this point. That he is still in denial means to me that you have to start watching out for yourself. Now you can add needing to watch out for yourself financially to the already known need to watch out for yourself emotionally.
For me, I realized that even if my exah was not yet passed out, I was often waiting for him to pass out. I simply wanted the peace I would find not having to deal with his controlling personality.
I also awaited him passing out when he would become amorous because I had no desire to be amorous with a drunk. I also told him no serious discussions when he was intoxicated, which he violated everytime he wanted a serious discussion because he was unable of having serious discussions sober.
Look, I think you have to take a hard look at the quality of your life and your marriage and differentiate between living a comfortable financial life and a life that has sanity, boundaries, and healthy emotions. That's what I had to do. Nice trips, cars, clothing, expensive dinners, financial security--none of that is peace of mind.
Good for you for looking for employment and reaching out to others. You can refuse to be in denial of his alcoholism, but you can't force him to acknowledge his denial. No doubt he knows darn well he is an alcoholic, but if he can pull the wool over everybody's eyes he will continue to do so.
You've contacted the doctor and you know his boss is onto him. I think you should continue focusing on yourself and not take onto your shoulders his responsibility for his drinking.
There is online al-anon that you can visit in English. It's not as effective as going to face to face meetings, but anything helps. Books like codependent no more too. I'm glad you are going to go to a face to face meeting even if it is difficult to communicate as well as you would like to, people will take you under their wing.
Trust yourself. You are facing your reality and making strides to do something about it! Good for you.
I can completely relate. Now divorced from a very highly functioning alcoholic who is successful, but drank everyday of the week and passed out many of those days except for the occasional dry day to prove to himself he could still do it, even if white-knuckling the entire time.
His boss has noticed it to the point of demanding some type of help. To me, that means he has crossed some line, and is no longer the successful career man he has been up to this point. That he is still in denial means to me that you have to start watching out for yourself. Now you can add needing to watch out for yourself financially to the already known need to watch out for yourself emotionally.
For me, I realized that even if my exah was not yet passed out, I was often waiting for him to pass out. I simply wanted the peace I would find not having to deal with his controlling personality.
I also awaited him passing out when he would become amorous because I had no desire to be amorous with a drunk. I also told him no serious discussions when he was intoxicated, which he violated everytime he wanted a serious discussion because he was unable of having serious discussions sober.
Look, I think you have to take a hard look at the quality of your life and your marriage and differentiate between living a comfortable financial life and a life that has sanity, boundaries, and healthy emotions. That's what I had to do. Nice trips, cars, clothing, expensive dinners, financial security--none of that is peace of mind.
Good for you for looking for employment and reaching out to others. You can refuse to be in denial of his alcoholism, but you can't force him to acknowledge his denial. No doubt he knows darn well he is an alcoholic, but if he can pull the wool over everybody's eyes he will continue to do so.
You've contacted the doctor and you know his boss is onto him. I think you should continue focusing on yourself and not take onto your shoulders his responsibility for his drinking.
There is online al-anon that you can visit in English. It's not as effective as going to face to face meetings, but anything helps. Books like codependent no more too. I'm glad you are going to go to a face to face meeting even if it is difficult to communicate as well as you would like to, people will take you under their wing.
Trust yourself. You are facing your reality and making strides to do something about it! Good for you.
Welcome Hypatia,
I'm sorry you have to be here but you have found a great resource of experience, strength and hope. There is much wisdom shared on this site.
One of the first things I learned when I came here was the 3 c's.
I didn't cause it.
I can't control it.
I can't cure it.
Once I accepted that it opened me up to the idea that drinking was my wife's problem, not mine. It gave me the freedom to start working on myself and my problems.
One thing I really got from this site is that my life, my happiness isn't dependent on anyone else but me. There are many success stories here of people who have changed their lives for the better, found serenity and began to live again. Reading here I found hope and that was something I hadn't had in a long time.
Keep coming back, you are with people who understand what you are going through and are willing to listen without judging. For me that was such a huge relief to find out I wasn't alone.
Your friend,
I'm sorry you have to be here but you have found a great resource of experience, strength and hope. There is much wisdom shared on this site.
One of the first things I learned when I came here was the 3 c's.
I didn't cause it.
I can't control it.
I can't cure it.
Once I accepted that it opened me up to the idea that drinking was my wife's problem, not mine. It gave me the freedom to start working on myself and my problems.
One thing I really got from this site is that my life, my happiness isn't dependent on anyone else but me. There are many success stories here of people who have changed their lives for the better, found serenity and began to live again. Reading here I found hope and that was something I hadn't had in a long time.
Keep coming back, you are with people who understand what you are going through and are willing to listen without judging. For me that was such a huge relief to find out I wasn't alone.
Your friend,
Welcome to SR.
As Al-Anon says in one of the pamphlets, recovery for the alcoholic usually begins with recovery in the family.
So, you can order several books and educate yourself:
"Under the Influence"
"Getting them Sober"
"The Addictive Personality"
All available online.
You can also order Al-Anon materials online:
"How Al-Anon Works" (a book which includes excellent description of the family dynamics)
"A Guide for the Family of the Alcoholic" (pamphlet)
"Alcoholism: The Merry-Go-Round of Denial" (pamphlet, my favorite)
I suggest you attend the local Al-Anon meeting and that you make no secret of it with your husband. If he says, "Honey, where you are off to?" , you can answer, "Al-Anon, a support group for people who are worried about someone else's drinking." Go every week. You'll even get better at the language.
Stop rescuing him. What happened when he broke those ribs? Did you drive him to the hospital? Next time call an ambulance and tell them he's drunk.
If he misses work and the boss calls, tell the boss he's drunk.
If he passes out when you were planning to attend a function together, go without him.
No lecturing, scolding, accusing dramas with him. Be matter of fact: "You were drunk so I went anyway. If you're sober next time, we'll go together."
The books and pamphlets will give you much advice on how to start your recovery and then have a positive impact on the chances he will start his.
Give it several months and see what happens.
As Al-Anon says in one of the pamphlets, recovery for the alcoholic usually begins with recovery in the family.
So, you can order several books and educate yourself:
"Under the Influence"
"Getting them Sober"
"The Addictive Personality"
All available online.
You can also order Al-Anon materials online:
"How Al-Anon Works" (a book which includes excellent description of the family dynamics)
"A Guide for the Family of the Alcoholic" (pamphlet)
"Alcoholism: The Merry-Go-Round of Denial" (pamphlet, my favorite)
I suggest you attend the local Al-Anon meeting and that you make no secret of it with your husband. If he says, "Honey, where you are off to?" , you can answer, "Al-Anon, a support group for people who are worried about someone else's drinking." Go every week. You'll even get better at the language.
Stop rescuing him. What happened when he broke those ribs? Did you drive him to the hospital? Next time call an ambulance and tell them he's drunk.
If he misses work and the boss calls, tell the boss he's drunk.
If he passes out when you were planning to attend a function together, go without him.
No lecturing, scolding, accusing dramas with him. Be matter of fact: "You were drunk so I went anyway. If you're sober next time, we'll go together."
The books and pamphlets will give you much advice on how to start your recovery and then have a positive impact on the chances he will start his.
Give it several months and see what happens.
Thanks everyone for your replies. A little encouragement goes a long way.
@neferkamichael - thanks for the private note. Unfortunately I am not yet allowed to respond privately. Don't want you to think that I'm ignoring you. Need to post a few more times and then I can get back to you.
@EnglishGarden - Well, I did ask for a kick in the butt, so thanks. I've already read the post containing The Merry-Go-Round of Denial and am working on it.
I'm still struggling with such basic concepts as enabling and rescuing. Provoking, however, I've got down pat. Stopping the provocation is really hard but at least I usually recognise it and am trying to think before I speak.
Was it really wrong for me to drive my husband to the local hospital? We live in a rural area where ambulance response time for non-life-and-death emergencies can be quite long. The local hospital doesn't even have a real emergency department, but rather a single doctor available to treat walk-ins. Ambulances go to another hospital in a larger town further away, or else patients are airlifted by rescue helicopter. Remember, this isn't Kansas any more.... think of another planet complete with Martians and you'll be closer to the mark.
Sorry, I'm tired and fed up with myself at the moment which results in very bad jokes. Humor is a way I deal with my situation. And it's past 3:30am here.
I think I have reacted badly today. I didn't go actively searching but I found two opened bottles of vodka and simply poured them out and then replaced them back to their hiding places. At least I resisted the urge to refill the vodka bottle with vinegar.
I'm very torn at the moment about my own relationship with alcohol. I've always enjoyed trying a new wine or champagne or liqueur. I'm a sipper, not a gulper. I like to savour the taste and aroma, and don't drink to get drunk. Heck, I learned early on as a teenager that getting drunk is not a good idea for me. I get sick as a dog and have learned to limit myself to two or three glasses of wine with a nice dinner, and only on special occasions. I've never passed out from drinking, since my stomach rebels and punishes me severely.
Over the years I had collected quite a few nice bottles of wine which were stored in the basement on racks to wait for those special occasions - until the day I caught my husband gulping a particularly fine white wine straight out of the bottle a few months ago. That night I locked up all the wine and have been slowly giving it away. I seem to have lost my taste for alcohol and now rarely have any at all. Surprisingly, I don't miss it.
Just don't take away my coffee or chocolate. Those are my addictions but I'm going to remain in denial on those a bit longer.
Sorry. There I go again.
I think part of the reason I've stopped drinking almost completely is because I keep thinking that I need to be sober in order to be able to drive at a moment's notice. Since I first got my driver's licence, I've been a bit of a fanatic about not drinking anything at all when there's a chance I will be driving. It isn't specifically because of my husband, but started when I came back from my last trip and my father-in-law was still in intensive care after his heart attack. We live about 100 miles away and could have gotten bad news at any time. It could still come, and I truly love my in-laws.
I guess I have a very basic question to throw out there. I am fully prepared to make my house completely alcohol free. I am also ready to completely abstain from drinking any alcohol. But what sense does it make to demand that my house be alcohol-free when I know that my husband will continue to bring in bottles and hide them all over the place? Wouldn't that just be another form of provocation? And do I really have to completely abstain myself? Will it help him if I no longer raise a glass to toast a girlfriend's birthday when he's not even there?
I'm also upset with myself about emptying those two bottles. I was caught by surprise and just reacted without thinking. I haven't said a word about them, and although I'm certain that my husband has noticed it by now, he hasn't mentioned them either. He'll just go out tomorrow and replace them, and hide them somewhere else for me to stumble across at some future date.
So second beginner question: what do people do when they find a hidden stash? I no longer search the house and cars as compulsively as I did in the beginning, but I can't help but run across hidden bottles.
@neferkamichael - thanks for the private note. Unfortunately I am not yet allowed to respond privately. Don't want you to think that I'm ignoring you. Need to post a few more times and then I can get back to you.
@EnglishGarden - Well, I did ask for a kick in the butt, so thanks. I've already read the post containing The Merry-Go-Round of Denial and am working on it.
I'm still struggling with such basic concepts as enabling and rescuing. Provoking, however, I've got down pat. Stopping the provocation is really hard but at least I usually recognise it and am trying to think before I speak.
Was it really wrong for me to drive my husband to the local hospital? We live in a rural area where ambulance response time for non-life-and-death emergencies can be quite long. The local hospital doesn't even have a real emergency department, but rather a single doctor available to treat walk-ins. Ambulances go to another hospital in a larger town further away, or else patients are airlifted by rescue helicopter. Remember, this isn't Kansas any more.... think of another planet complete with Martians and you'll be closer to the mark.
Sorry, I'm tired and fed up with myself at the moment which results in very bad jokes. Humor is a way I deal with my situation. And it's past 3:30am here.
I think I have reacted badly today. I didn't go actively searching but I found two opened bottles of vodka and simply poured them out and then replaced them back to their hiding places. At least I resisted the urge to refill the vodka bottle with vinegar.
I'm very torn at the moment about my own relationship with alcohol. I've always enjoyed trying a new wine or champagne or liqueur. I'm a sipper, not a gulper. I like to savour the taste and aroma, and don't drink to get drunk. Heck, I learned early on as a teenager that getting drunk is not a good idea for me. I get sick as a dog and have learned to limit myself to two or three glasses of wine with a nice dinner, and only on special occasions. I've never passed out from drinking, since my stomach rebels and punishes me severely.
Over the years I had collected quite a few nice bottles of wine which were stored in the basement on racks to wait for those special occasions - until the day I caught my husband gulping a particularly fine white wine straight out of the bottle a few months ago. That night I locked up all the wine and have been slowly giving it away. I seem to have lost my taste for alcohol and now rarely have any at all. Surprisingly, I don't miss it.
Just don't take away my coffee or chocolate. Those are my addictions but I'm going to remain in denial on those a bit longer.
Sorry. There I go again.
I think part of the reason I've stopped drinking almost completely is because I keep thinking that I need to be sober in order to be able to drive at a moment's notice. Since I first got my driver's licence, I've been a bit of a fanatic about not drinking anything at all when there's a chance I will be driving. It isn't specifically because of my husband, but started when I came back from my last trip and my father-in-law was still in intensive care after his heart attack. We live about 100 miles away and could have gotten bad news at any time. It could still come, and I truly love my in-laws.
I guess I have a very basic question to throw out there. I am fully prepared to make my house completely alcohol free. I am also ready to completely abstain from drinking any alcohol. But what sense does it make to demand that my house be alcohol-free when I know that my husband will continue to bring in bottles and hide them all over the place? Wouldn't that just be another form of provocation? And do I really have to completely abstain myself? Will it help him if I no longer raise a glass to toast a girlfriend's birthday when he's not even there?
I'm also upset with myself about emptying those two bottles. I was caught by surprise and just reacted without thinking. I haven't said a word about them, and although I'm certain that my husband has noticed it by now, he hasn't mentioned them either. He'll just go out tomorrow and replace them, and hide them somewhere else for me to stumble across at some future date.
So second beginner question: what do people do when they find a hidden stash? I no longer search the house and cars as compulsively as I did in the beginning, but I can't help but run across hidden bottles.
I don't know what people do with the stash, or some have poured it out, some put it out in the open, like a silent condemnation and some leave it alone, and let the drunk find it when he needs it.
Hmm, (I am a recovering alcoholic, but was married to an alcoholic who continued) I would say, if it were my house, "My house is alcohol free, if I run across a stash, I will pour it out, so stop keeping your booze here." There is no booze in my house. My son is old enough to buy, but he knows not to bring it here. He will no longer have a place to live. Yeah, it sucks being the parent of an addict too.
No, I would not expect you to abstain. As a sign of support only, and if you don't mind it, just abstain in the house? This is strange for me, because I really do not know any normal drinkers.
If I were in Germany now, that is what would be stashed all around my house! LOL
See, I think it is funny, but I deal with this kinda stuff with humor too.
This is a difficult row to hoe, but it seems your head is screwed on right and you are reacting normally to abnormal circumstances. Now, though, you must take care of yourself. Find out what you need to know to stay out of his way, and start your own recovery. Rural Germany, might be difficult finding that Al Anon meeting, but it can be done online.
Hypatia, you have what it takes to do this, and if anyone gives you any trouble, bring that snarling puppy. Oh, but he is scary!
Beth
Hmm, (I am a recovering alcoholic, but was married to an alcoholic who continued) I would say, if it were my house, "My house is alcohol free, if I run across a stash, I will pour it out, so stop keeping your booze here." There is no booze in my house. My son is old enough to buy, but he knows not to bring it here. He will no longer have a place to live. Yeah, it sucks being the parent of an addict too.
No, I would not expect you to abstain. As a sign of support only, and if you don't mind it, just abstain in the house? This is strange for me, because I really do not know any normal drinkers.
Just don't take away my coffee or chocolate. Those are my addictions but I'm going to remain in denial on those a bit longer.
See, I think it is funny, but I deal with this kinda stuff with humor too.
This is a difficult row to hoe, but it seems your head is screwed on right and you are reacting normally to abnormal circumstances. Now, though, you must take care of yourself. Find out what you need to know to stay out of his way, and start your own recovery. Rural Germany, might be difficult finding that Al Anon meeting, but it can be done online.
Hypatia, you have what it takes to do this, and if anyone gives you any trouble, bring that snarling puppy. Oh, but he is scary!
Beth
Oh my Beth!
I thought her furr baby was smiling in that avatar picture!
Welcome to the SR family Hypatia!
I appreciate your taking the time to share your story with us. I didn't mind reading your novella, as I think you are a good writer. Feel free to pound out your thoughts anytime!
I think you have a good head about you.
Keep reading and posting. We care about you!
I thought her furr baby was smiling in that avatar picture!
Welcome to the SR family Hypatia!
I appreciate your taking the time to share your story with us. I didn't mind reading your novella, as I think you are a good writer. Feel free to pound out your thoughts anytime!
I think you have a good head about you.
Keep reading and posting. We care about you!
@Wicked, thanks for telling me that I'm reacting normally to an abnormal situation. There's a lot of personal background which I haven't given, but suffice to say that I have a definite tendency to over-analyze myself. At least it saves me lots of money in psychotherapy fees which I can then use for my chocolate and coffee.
I think your suggestion of abstaining at home and declaring my desire to keep the house alcohol-free is a good one. And I think I'll just play it by ear when I find a hidden stash.
That puppy is one of my two dogs. When I was feeling really isolated and alone in a foreign country while my husband was away on his many business trips, I decided to rescue a dog, and then another. My avatar is one of them at about 6 weeks of age. She's 6 years old now. In many ways they have kept me sane over the last few months. No matter how I feel, they need me and bring me lots of joy and laughter. Tough to stay depressed for long with a Jack Russell around.
@pelikan - "a good head"? Hah... I've fooled another one!
I am actually constantly dealing with issues of self-confidence, but have learned to put on a good show. Leaving my house is a little like taking a deep breath and going out on stage. One of the advantages of living here with so many rules and regs and old customs and traditions is that once you've learned them, your role is clearly defined and easy to play as long as you stick with the script.
Unfortunately, dealing with a (usually) high functioning alcoholic doesn't follow most of the "scripts" I've been reading about. Not that I'm complaining about the lack of violence and other nasty stuff. Just that it is a bit tough to be taken seriously when everyone else thinks that your life is a dream. Unfortunately, the reality is somewhat different.
And before this turns into another novella, I guess I'll just stop right there.
Thanks again. I think I can get to sleep now. Lately it has been a little tough to get into bed with a drunken husband, so I've dealt with it by writing in my diary or simply reading all sorts of stuff online until I can't keep my eyes open any longer. So don't encourage me too much, or you'll have many more novellas to wade through.
I think your suggestion of abstaining at home and declaring my desire to keep the house alcohol-free is a good one. And I think I'll just play it by ear when I find a hidden stash.
That puppy is one of my two dogs. When I was feeling really isolated and alone in a foreign country while my husband was away on his many business trips, I decided to rescue a dog, and then another. My avatar is one of them at about 6 weeks of age. She's 6 years old now. In many ways they have kept me sane over the last few months. No matter how I feel, they need me and bring me lots of joy and laughter. Tough to stay depressed for long with a Jack Russell around.
@pelikan - "a good head"? Hah... I've fooled another one!
I am actually constantly dealing with issues of self-confidence, but have learned to put on a good show. Leaving my house is a little like taking a deep breath and going out on stage. One of the advantages of living here with so many rules and regs and old customs and traditions is that once you've learned them, your role is clearly defined and easy to play as long as you stick with the script.
Unfortunately, dealing with a (usually) high functioning alcoholic doesn't follow most of the "scripts" I've been reading about. Not that I'm complaining about the lack of violence and other nasty stuff. Just that it is a bit tough to be taken seriously when everyone else thinks that your life is a dream. Unfortunately, the reality is somewhat different.
And before this turns into another novella, I guess I'll just stop right there.
Thanks again. I think I can get to sleep now. Lately it has been a little tough to get into bed with a drunken husband, so I've dealt with it by writing in my diary or simply reading all sorts of stuff online until I can't keep my eyes open any longer. So don't encourage me too much, or you'll have many more novellas to wade through.
Hypatia, thanks for sharing your story, and sorry to hear what you're going through. I see much of myself in your story. We're in our late 30's, no kids, married for 9 years and together for 16. I've always been the designated driver, have totally lost my taste for alcohol, and have been dealing with a functional (until recently) alcoholic husband for some time now. It began with me realizing he had a big drinking issue and trying to talk to him about it, and then it progressed to him hiding it from me. It's at a point where it is starting to affect his work - a coworker has recognized that he's been different/distant/distracted, and he's missed work on days he's been too hung over. We weren't terribly social or active people when he was sober, and we're now just terrible at being active or social now that he's not. I'm shy and not very self-confident, and having moved several times with him for his jobs/career, I'm at a loss for true friends I can turn to and I kinda suck at making new friends. Plus...who wants to try to open a new friend relationship with, "Hey, I've got an AH and could use another shoulder to cry on, you up for the job?!"
Yup...I've done all of the above, except for leaving it for him to find when he "needs it" (mostly because in the last year, all I ever actually see/find/stumble across are empties). When I was still in that "omg he may be an alcoholic" stage, pouring out the remainders of bottles was easy, dramatic, and made me feel like I was making some sort of stand and effecting change. I'm in the "oh hells to the yes he's an alcoholic and wtf do I do now" stage, and I'm realizing that there's not much I *can* do about it. It was a huge eye opener to realize that he had been drinking on the sly and hiding bottles all over the house.
All any of us can do is to set personal boundaries and determine what to do when those boundaries have been crossed. I'm trying to find my boundaries now. It's hard. I wish I had fantastic advice for you, but all I can offer is hugs & wishes for strength.
And on a less serious note: omg, that really is a cute pup - don't dogs make the best therapists?!
All any of us can do is to set personal boundaries and determine what to do when those boundaries have been crossed. I'm trying to find my boundaries now. It's hard. I wish I had fantastic advice for you, but all I can offer is hugs & wishes for strength.
And on a less serious note: omg, that really is a cute pup - don't dogs make the best therapists?!
A few lines from a counselor to families of alcoholics:
"Don't pour out the booze. He'll get more--doesn't he always? It costs too much to replace it. (It's your budget, too)."
from "Getting Them Sober" by Toby Rice Drews.
(and I can confirm, from experience).
"Don't pour out the booze. He'll get more--doesn't he always? It costs too much to replace it. (It's your budget, too)."
from "Getting Them Sober" by Toby Rice Drews.
(and I can confirm, from experience).
Member
Join Date: Apr 2012
Posts: 253
My situation isn't half as bad as some of the stories I've read. I'm not making excuses, just being realistic. We are both in our late 40s, married almost 15 years, first marriage for both, no children, and there's no trouble with physical abuse or violence. My husband has never ever hit me and I am not afraid of him. I'm afraid FOR him. And I'm afraid for us.
Great screen name....as a Math minor in College, I can appreciate it.
I truly empathize with your predicament; like you, I am afraid for her and afraid for us. I can tell you that without him getting help for himself, the progression is inevitable and heartbreaking. My wife cannot, or will not, work. It doesn't matter which; I support us alone. Alcohol is killing her....or, more precisely, she is killing herself because of her addiction. Both the body and the mind will deteriorate over time.
He may never become physically abusive but the emotional toll on you will become almost unbearable if you decide to stay with him. I have decided to stay with my AW because I cannot let her die alone. Many here may not agree with me but I have already made peace with it. Reading thousands of stories of others here at SR helped me. Reading all the literature I can get has helped me. Working the steps has helped me. Having a couple friends here that I can write to has helped me.
I am still afraid for her but, for the first time, I am no longer afraid for us. I am glad you found this board; over time the wonderful people here will help you, as they have helped me, to cope. That is what it comes down to. I have learned there is nothing I can do to make my alcoholic change. Whether I do the driving or the daily nuances of each of our lives is something we each must make peace with in our hearts but the most important thing we must do is detach with love.
I enjoy reading your novels. I have found that my ability to write lengthy journal entries have helped me to cope with my daily living with my alcoholic. My writing is that little place in our home that I find peace.
I truly wish you well.
First off, I need to apologise to Pelican for letting that German "k" sneak in there. Guess the Borg are finally starting to assimilate me.
@CeciliaV - Oh, yes... always being the designated driver is a bit of a drag but it means that I get myself home safe. For me that is the bottom line. I do it for me, not for him.
I can definitely relate to the difficulties of moving away and having to make new friends. I've had luck with joining local clubs. I look around and see if there's a group that does something I like. Also, most volunteer organisations always need people to help out. The toughest part is making the initial contact.
You are so right about dog-therapy being great. And I've met people because of my dogs, too. At our last place, I did a few dog training courses and met some great people that way.
@EnglishGarden - Hmm... today I poured out any bottle I stumbled across. In the end I counted 8, which added up to a cost of about US$50. Guess I shouldn't do that every day or as you say it could get a bit expensive in the long run.
@Spes - I am going to have to think a while about what you've written. Some very tough love there, in more ways than one and not in the usual sense. Thanks for giving me your perspective. I may not like it, but I need to hear it.
@CeciliaV - Oh, yes... always being the designated driver is a bit of a drag but it means that I get myself home safe. For me that is the bottom line. I do it for me, not for him.
I can definitely relate to the difficulties of moving away and having to make new friends. I've had luck with joining local clubs. I look around and see if there's a group that does something I like. Also, most volunteer organisations always need people to help out. The toughest part is making the initial contact.
You are so right about dog-therapy being great. And I've met people because of my dogs, too. At our last place, I did a few dog training courses and met some great people that way.
@EnglishGarden - Hmm... today I poured out any bottle I stumbled across. In the end I counted 8, which added up to a cost of about US$50. Guess I shouldn't do that every day or as you say it could get a bit expensive in the long run.
@Spes - I am going to have to think a while about what you've written. Some very tough love there, in more ways than one and not in the usual sense. Thanks for giving me your perspective. I may not like it, but I need to hear it.
First off, I need to apologise to Pelican for letting that German "k" sneak in there. Guess the Borg are finally starting to assimilate me.
And, now you are a trainer a dog trainer? They have you but good. LOL
Plus...who wants to try to open a new friend relationship with, "Hey, I've got an AH and could use another shoulder to cry on, you up for the job?!"
sometimes it is just too crazy to cry.
Hugs to you and that puppy,
Beth
PS (now, i must go find some pie, no good chocolate or coffee nearby)
Welll, today was AH's first day back at work after a 3 week vacation/binge. He drank right up to last night and passed out as usual, except that he was able to sort of make it into bed for a change instead of staying in the easy chair all night. (well, half the night and then crawling into bed for the other half)
This morning he cleaned up and left at a reasonable time in the morning. I was busy all day and managed to stop myself from calling or sending an email or texting to ask how his day was going. But now it is 8:30pm and he's well overdue. In the past he's been pretty responsible about letting me know if he's going to be home late.
So I am really trying not to worry but my imagination is coming up with all sorts of possible scenarios. I'm really determined, however, to change my own behaviour pattern.
I hope I'm doing the right thing in not checking up on him. And my intention is to not make a big fuss when he eventually does come home. I've eaten and taken care of the dogs, and am going to really try and not turn this into any sort of a fight.
Speak of the devil..... his car just pulled into the driveway. Now let's see how good I am at implementing my ideas.
This morning he cleaned up and left at a reasonable time in the morning. I was busy all day and managed to stop myself from calling or sending an email or texting to ask how his day was going. But now it is 8:30pm and he's well overdue. In the past he's been pretty responsible about letting me know if he's going to be home late.
So I am really trying not to worry but my imagination is coming up with all sorts of possible scenarios. I'm really determined, however, to change my own behaviour pattern.
I hope I'm doing the right thing in not checking up on him. And my intention is to not make a big fuss when he eventually does come home. I've eaten and taken care of the dogs, and am going to really try and not turn this into any sort of a fight.
Speak of the devil..... his car just pulled into the driveway. Now let's see how good I am at implementing my ideas.
My husband is quite unhappy and has polished off almost a whole bottle of vodka tonight. He's been ordered to go to his doctor tomorrow for a whole bunch of medical tests. Then on Friday he has to go for some one-on-one counselling.
Guess the Boss is very serious and not satisfied with a couple of attendance slips from group counselling sessions. At least my husband is complying, if grudgingly. I'm really happy that this is originating from his workplace and I'm not the "bad guy" here. My husband didn't even attempt to put any blame on me, and I managed to keep my mouth shut and only give brief "I'm listening" type of answers without actually saying much of substance.
It was a relatively stress-free evening, at least for me. He asked and seemed interested in how my day went, and I refrained from asking him any questions about why he was late and managed not to provoke him in any way. He volunteered the information about the doctor and therapist appointments, and I didn't ask for more details. He ate a little, watched a bit of TV, and decided to go to bed earlier for a change.
I'm actually feeling a lot better tonight than I have in the past three weeks. I think it is because I am not doing this alone any more. I'm getting support not just here online, but also it looks like my husband's workplace is honestly trying to give my husband a chance. They could have just sat back and waited for an opportunity to fire him, but instead it looks like they are prepared to make an effort to keep him.
Obviously there are no guarantees that this kind of intervention will work, but it is definitely giving me a little bit of hope.
Guess the Boss is very serious and not satisfied with a couple of attendance slips from group counselling sessions. At least my husband is complying, if grudgingly. I'm really happy that this is originating from his workplace and I'm not the "bad guy" here. My husband didn't even attempt to put any blame on me, and I managed to keep my mouth shut and only give brief "I'm listening" type of answers without actually saying much of substance.
It was a relatively stress-free evening, at least for me. He asked and seemed interested in how my day went, and I refrained from asking him any questions about why he was late and managed not to provoke him in any way. He volunteered the information about the doctor and therapist appointments, and I didn't ask for more details. He ate a little, watched a bit of TV, and decided to go to bed earlier for a change.
I'm actually feeling a lot better tonight than I have in the past three weeks. I think it is because I am not doing this alone any more. I'm getting support not just here online, but also it looks like my husband's workplace is honestly trying to give my husband a chance. They could have just sat back and waited for an opportunity to fire him, but instead it looks like they are prepared to make an effort to keep him.
Obviously there are no guarantees that this kind of intervention will work, but it is definitely giving me a little bit of hope.
That is fantastic news. I have read many times in addiction recovery literature that the boss has more leverage than anyone.
I hope for the best for you and your AH. It's good you are detaching.
I hope for the best for you and your AH. It's good you are detaching.
Member
Join Date: May 2012
Posts: 1,295
Awesome Hyapatia!
Few highly functioning alcoholics are as lucky. My exah and colleagues had a liquor cabinet right in their office, as one of the perks of being high up the food chain.
How lucky for you this boss interveined. Actually, whether he sees it or not, how lucky for your H.
Now the heat is off you and on the boss...whoo hoo! Damn I'm jealous...oh wow...to think I could get jealous about something like this...geez oh pete...!
Few highly functioning alcoholics are as lucky. My exah and colleagues had a liquor cabinet right in their office, as one of the perks of being high up the food chain.
How lucky for you this boss interveined. Actually, whether he sees it or not, how lucky for your H.
Now the heat is off you and on the boss...whoo hoo! Damn I'm jealous...oh wow...to think I could get jealous about something like this...geez oh pete...!
iifen he were to stop comparing his drinking experience to his own and start relating to the thinking, he will see he isnt different.
i know a man that lived under a bridge, a man that was a very well respected psychiatrist, a man that spent many years in prison, a man that lived in a doorway in the cass corridor, and a man that only drank wine with dinner and had a total of 6 blackout and was what he considered leagally drunk 8 times in his 25+ years of drinking, yet we all thought the same.
i know a man that lived under a bridge, a man that was a very well respected psychiatrist, a man that spent many years in prison, a man that lived in a doorway in the cass corridor, and a man that only drank wine with dinner and had a total of 6 blackout and was what he considered leagally drunk 8 times in his 25+ years of drinking, yet we all thought the same.
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