thislittlelight

Hi Guys, Just full of questions! LOL
What is the difference between No Contact, Releasing Them WIth Love, Detaching With Love, Letting Them Go? Are they all the same thing with just different words to describe them?
Thanks!

PrayingMama

In my understanding (and there will be others more experienced than I to come along and correct/clarify whatever I offer) going "No Contact" means just that--no talking, texting, phone calls, in-person encounters, letters, etc. Almost like an Amish shunning (probably a poor analogy), but it means just what it says--zero contact with the person in any form.

Releasing, detaching with love, letting go--for me, these are actions that begin within the heart and mind of the person/people connected to the addict, and then translate to such actions as allowing the addict to feel full consequences of his/her actions, whether that be legal woes, academic problems, employment issues, etc. It can mean asking the addict to leave the premises whether that person has a place to live, a job, a car, or not. It can mean not giving advice, suggestions, lectures, moralizing etc. during any conversations with the addict. It can mean learning the art of listening deeply without rushing in to offer solutions and options and alternatives.

Detaching with love, releasing, letting go means learning to detach from outcomes. One may hope for and desire a certain outcome, but one does not lust after it or end up crushed and defeated and in despair when that desired outcome does not come to pass.

It is learning to hold lightly and with sensitivity and skill the reins of our own lives.

Windmills

I had to let go and release him with love before no contact was possible. I had to let go of my own sense of power, let go of my attempts to control or manipulate or spy on him, let go of my own fear and desire to protect him from his ow consequences. I had to release him with love, stop trying to make him fit into my own idea of what he could/should have been and accept that it's his life to live as he sees fit- whether I approve or not is highly irrelevant. I accepted that I can only change my own reactions and the effect that I allow his behaviour to have on my life. Only when I reached this point was it possible for me to stop all contact and allow him to live his life and allow myself to rebuild mine. It was impossible for me to live while I had his toxic, abusive, dangerous presence in my life and for that reason it became necessary for me to change my number and move to he other side of the city- he doesn't know where I am, he had the contact details of my lawyer should he decide he wishes to see his daughter.

Kindeyes

Wow PrayingMama....that was beautifully stated.

I believe that these are things to aspire to......I'm not sure that I will perfect them in my lifetime......but I do the best I can......one day at a time.

gentle hugs
ke

Vale

So much is semantics----so much so that those of us who
have allowed ourselves to be hurt by addicts attach very
little meaning to words any more.

Words are easy.Actions are what count.

"I love you".Three little words.But so powerful.Their power is
sometimes misused----[because they are so easy to say]....
All those love stories---where the gal (usually) is trying to get
the guy to say those 3 magic words.Once she hears them---Valhalla!

Life doesn't seem to work that way.

At the risk of sounding 'older' (I am)...I have seen enough of life to
know that BS is BS.Saying you "love" someone is far easier than making
sure that the circumstances of life don't tear them apart,e.g. being true
to them,providing for them,making sure they are never ashamed (and even
proud as a peacock!) of walking by your side.Ensuring their future is as
secure as you can make it.

>>>>>>>>>No Contact, Releasing Them WIth Love, Detaching With Love,
Letting Them Go? Are they all the same thing with just different words to describe them? <<<<<<<<

Seems they are all the same to me.Allowing others the dignity to find their
own way.Not looking down on them or hurting their feelings.Above all not coming
between them and the necessary pain that motivates THEM to want to get better.
OR (alternately).....if they wish to exist on some low level,in and out of jail,living
as permanent 'house guests' amongst the lowest of the low----that is their choice.
As sovereign human beings in a free society,that is their right.

..As it is our right not to be a part of enabling and perpetuating their misery.

EXECUTIVE SUMMARY: "But he SAID......."

(Who cares WHAT he said.Look at actions,and actions alone.)

thislittlelight

Thanks for the clarification. You know depending on what you are reading, you will get different opinions on things. So I guess I am not a No Contact Girl, I am releasing him or detaching from him with love. It is because I love him that I have to do this. Will I do it forever? Will I never have any contact with him again as long as I live- Who can honestly answer that question? I know I will no longer "enable" him. I also know that I will always love him, never give up hope for him and never quit praying for his recovery.
My last message to him was I still believe in you. I still have faith in you. I still love you. I still pray for you. I will never give up on you. I'm glad I sent it three weeks ago. Since then I have gone on with my life and I met a great guy at a conference! He is a recovering addict, he has his life so together, we hit it off right away, spent the entire conference talking together. He is so awesome and gives me hope for all who need recovery.

Vale

.....It is learning to hold lightly and with sensitivity and skill the reins of our own lives.....

PrayingMama.....you are a poet!

PrayingMama

Thank you, Vale, and KE. (Just a little shy receiving compliments.)