thislittlelight

Has anyone else ever thought about this? How much time do you ( I am including myself in this) spend on your loved one who is an addict? The time we spend thinking about them, trying to gain knowledge, trying to understand, praying, being on this forum? Now compare that to the amount of time your loved one is probably ( because no one knows for sure ) thinking, worrying, etc... about you. Seems very one sided and disordinate doesn't it? Also, seems like we can be catagorized into two different "types" of people - givers and takers. How come givers hook up with takers? Wouldn't it be better for givers to find other givers? Wouldn't that make a much better relationship? Just some thoughts I had.

Lara

I completely agree!!!!! Joined SR a few weeks ago - and the time I have spent worrying about H is ridiculous -I wonder how often 'they' worry about us???

thislittlelight

I guess they don't spend too much time thinking about us - they have a forgetter - the drug. Reminds me of Jim Carey in The Grinch movie where he tells his dog Max to fetch something because he is beginning to remember something - what Max fetches is a sledgehammer and the grinch promptly hits himself over the head - to forget, to stop remembering and feeling. Also if they think about us and what they have done that brings on ( I hope) feelings of guilt and shame and what does an addict do when they feel bad? They use. Vicious Cycle.

Ilovemysonjj

Agreed. We are consumed with them and desire for them to be safe and sober and they are consumed with trying to forget that people care about them so they don't feel guilty. Ergo, they use...

PrayingMama

Just in my experience, it has taken me quite a few months of attending meetings, reading books and online information (blogs, SR, etc.), meetings with my own professional counselors, to educate myself about addiction to opiates/heroin and the healthiest ways to live when there is an addict in the family. It reminded me of cramming for a tough academic course. Now that I feel as though I am "catching up," I spend far less time and energy on it.

I read SR daily, but no longer attend an NA, Alanon and FA meeting per week. My once a week FA meeting suffices--well, it more than suffices, it's pretty awesome, but you know what I mean.

Most of all, learning how to practice the spiritual discipline--which is exactly what it is--of letting go has been the most valuable. I have no idea how much time, if any, my son spends thinking about me or anything else. Not my business. But I do not regret or resent any of the time I have spent, and continue to spend, learning about addiction and how best to navigate its tempestuous waters.

octoberrain

praying, what is FA meeting

octoberrain

With my AS it was an obsession. I was real bad

octoberrain

This may sound dumb and I do not want to offend anyone but My obsession with checking texts, my phone and facebook in hopes my AS messaged me seems to now turned in to an obsession with SR. For the last 3-4 days I have been on here all day except for some short breaks. Is this a bad thing.
PLEASE do not think I am a dodo but I feel like , did I trade one obsession for another?
I may be off here for a while. Might lose power. Big storm coming.
I am going out to get my solar lights just in case so I will at least have light!

Learn2Live

I personally do not feel the time I spend on SR is the same as Facebook. And I know that I am not obsessed with SR. I come to SR because I am in pain and this website has been a lifeline for me more than once. I come here to read what others have to share, in the hopes that even one thing someone says will help me see myself and my situation a little more clearly, just like at an Al-Anon meeting. I come here for strength and knowledge. Facebook is just a senseless, useless waste of time.

octoberrain

Lear2live, thank you, it is a relief to know I am not being obsessive.

PrayingMama

Hi octoberrain,

FA is Families Anonymous. If there is a group in your area, or at least within a reasonable distance, I recommend it highly. In my experience with FA, it is primarily parents of addicts, but there are also parents of minor and adult children with serious psych disorders, from schizophrenia, bipolar, to a variety of behavioral issues. The group I attend now also has a few members who have partners with addiction and/or psychiatric issues.

SR is a tremendous resource for information and support. I think what you learn here prevents what you were concerned about--obsessing. You will probably spend more time on SR as you are learning. It's like taking what's called a "loading dose" of antibiotics before settling into the regular dosing regimen.

Hope this helps.

lisasneeze

I spent so much time dealing with my addict and trying to help him it hurt my sleep, my work and a lot of other things on my life. At times during that relationship when I was hospitalized with illness you know how often he came to see me in the hospital? Not one single time although he would text me while riding around looking for crack, telling me how much he missed me and loved me and how worried he was. Ahhh yeah right, try again.

I regret I wasted so much time on him but I don't regret spending time on SR speaking with people going through it. I feel like I'm giving something back to myself and to others who appreciate receiving.

The addict spends most of their time on their drug of choice and we are an after thought until they need us again. That is just the way the cookie crumbles with them.

There are givers and takers in this world, that is how it has always been. The givers end up with the takers because they are probably both filling a void but it is never healthy to end up with a taker.

Anaya

That's a very refreshing thought - givers with givers.

My thoughts on SR: I feel very comfortable visiting here. What others have shared has been immensely helpful.

Other "supports" have been less helpful than SR, which has much to do with my perception of trust, sincerity, and unconditional acceptance.

This is pretty tough stuff for all of us and it is good to have a safe and sound place to land!

Ann

The time I spent tracking my son, worrying about him, looking for him, angry with him, sad, and trying to get him to give up the drug, encompassed my entire day and night. It was my entire focus for far too long. I had no time to take care of me. I lost "me" in the process, and was frightened to wake up one day discovering I no longer knew that stranger called "me".

My recovery time is not about my son, it is about "me". It is quality time that lifts me above the pain of my life. It is time taken by me to learn to live well, it is a program that has taught me how to find joy in all aspects of my life...on good days and bad. Meetings, reading and SR have all been an important part of my recovery. Without all of them I would not be in the good place I am in today.

I cannot compare the difference above. The first was living in the problem...a dark place that no mama should see. The second was living in the solution...and it brought me a light beyond any I had ever had in my life.

Time spent taking care of me is never wasted. Recovery taught me that and time has proven it true.

Hugs

washbe2

How much time does my AS spend in concern for me? How many ways can I say none?

octoberrain

Why then? Why do I do it? I know I am not alone now because I see all of you that are going through the same thing. Like how come my husband and my other kids are not letting this bother them? Why does my AS addiction consume me? Why??

lisasneeze

Because they are all coping with the situation differently than you are coping with it and that is okay because you here and taking steps to understand and making effort to help yourself. Don't beat yourself up so much!!!

Neeks

I've been struggling for quite some times with these thoughts. I feel like its becoming an obsession of mine to help my girlfriend get off meth. I feel like I can change it but I know I can't at the same time. I look at her and just want to cry and scream and shake her out of it. I have spent the last three months constantly thinking of solutions or plans for her. I doubt that she has ever once thought of actually writing a plan for herself.

How do you learn to let go? How do you learn to walk away and hope one day she will come back to me? I can't help but remember who I fell in love with and who I want back!!

Learn2Live

Remember? Or obsess about? Do you know that the person you fell in love with is the same person she is now? There are not two people there. There is no easy answer, unfortunately. There is no magic pill she can take to turn back into something you want her to be. Who she was back then was a different time. You cannot turn the clock back. The feelings you had then were for THAT time. It hurts but once you accept this, it will get easier. She did not change, THIS is who she is.

You learn to let go by learning about Detachment. And Acceptance. The only way I know to learn these things is by going to Al-Anon and doing your best to work a program. For your self.

hope213

ann is right. i spent time on my youngest son. he was the first thing i thought about every morning & the last i thought about at nite. i have an older son that i did not write or see that was in service because my youngest drain me of all energy. i have a daughter that was as bad as me. today because of this program i can let go & let god. today i can be happy with my son in prison & my grandson in jail. i have learned to take care of me. you are so right,..how much have they thought about us? this is a "me" program & it has given ME so much now i am trying to give a little back. prayers for you & yours