thislittlelight

Question. My friend has been an addict since age 13. In and out of treatment trouble and jail. Any kind of drug will do. From IV Heroin to weed to alcohol and now crack. He has never held a job for any length of time, has no home, car, and very little possessions which I guess makes it easier when he ends back up in jail and loses everything. He's thousands of miles away from "friends" has very little family who he dislikes and are not supportive. He has survived (because I wouldn't call it living) by living off of other people and mostly women
They call themselves his girlfriend he calls them his victims and they truly are. He sells his soul and "prostitutes" himself just to have a place to stay food a phone and of course money and drugs. I met him when he was clean and he told me this much of his past. He relapsed began to treat me like I was one of his victims and I have decided to no longer enable him. I have not called had no contact with him for 3 weeks. I want to help him and right now that means praying for him and letting go and letting God. I read this may help him and that when he hits bottom and loses everything he may decide to get serious about recovery . My question? He is homeless has next to nothing what in the hell has to happen to get his attention? And what is his impetus to change when there is another girl out there willing to be victimized?

Thanks !

crazybabie

Your first question He is homeless has next to nothing what in the hell has to happen to get his attention?

Everyone's rock bottom is different no way of knowing what his, is some finally decide they do not want to live that way anymore, some end up in jail/prison and have to do a drug program and some it helps others it doesn't. and sadly some the bottom is death.

Your second question, And what is his impetus to change when there is another girl out there willing to be victimized? Unfortunately, there is ALWAYS someone who will think they can "fix" him most addicts are very charming and they know what too say and who to say it too.

smacked

Going no contact is to help you, not the addict.

Windmills

Don't blame the women. Blame him, he's the one responsible for his behaviour, noone else. He sounds a lot like my ex. If you're hoping that you going no contact is enough to put him in recovery, you're very mistaken. If its an attempt at control you should let it go now. No contact is for YOU. To protect yourself from the crazy.

thislittlelight

Thanks for the replies. Having no contact was a choice I made to help me because he was hurting me and I didn't want to be hurt anymore ( which hurts but in a different way if you know what I mean) I know everyone is different as far as bottoms are concerned and I realized last night most people hit bottom with loss - his problem he has nothing to lose and that's how he lives his life because I honestly don't think he cares if he lives or dies. I don't blame the women I feel sorry for them. He's left a trail of broken hearts along the way - mine included.
His mode of operendi is to come in and out of my life so it may be months till he tries to contact me. I guess what I do then will let him know I've changed.

Vale

We all understand your pain.It's what they do.After "flying to
the rescue" of the addict I car(ed) about----for gas,$,pay her
bills,etc.......I had to ask myself:WHY THE HELL would I EVER
give this person the time of day again?

I won't.Changed my number.Still smarts,but getting better quick!
I'd love to tell her..."glad I was good for a laugh"---but
that would entail contact.

(no way)

Good f-ing riddance.

thislittlelight

Vale,
Thanks for the post, I don't know what kind of situation you were in but one thing I am trying very hard to do is not to take this personally. He is in his active addiction - the disease is running his life at this point not him. I can tell the difference. I am not negating his responsibility in all this - just saying. See we think about all of this in a rational and logical way - they don't. We are trying to understand and make sense out of something that we can't understand and doesn't make sense.

thislittlelight

Addiction is a disease that affects the addicts entire life - mind, body, spirit, and soul. If a person is not in recovery - taking steps to change every aspect of their life - emotionally, intellectually, physically, and spiritually, they are in their addiction - whether they are using or not. An addict does not take responsibility for their actions until they get into recovery, and recovery is a process, not an event. It takes years of effort and hard work to change old ways of feeling, thinking and acting. Then and ONLY THEN do we truly get a chance to see them as they truly are. In addition, if there are other issues in the person's life, such as trauma, depression, anxiety, or other mental health symptoms, they must be dealt with. So to say as a sweeping generalization that someone is just plain ole bad news; no I do not concur.

Vale

thislittlelight,
You are right.I shouldn't take it personally.
But that is a very difficult thing to do.I am working
on it!
Vale

Kindeyes

I ask you to consider this.........

You basically described my son in your post. My son would tell you that his family is unsupportive and he dislikes us. We've dealt with his addiction for 15 years.....we've done all kinds of things that some would deem "appropriately supportive" and others, more familiar with addiction might call it "enabling". However, we choose to no longer support him (or enable him) in active addiction. But we still love him deeply. We wish that we could have contact with him but we have allowed him to use us in the past.....just like he uses his victims as you described. We elect to no longer be used and manipulated. We will always love him. And we are here when he's ready and able to love us in a healthy manner.......we will welcome him with open arms and open hearts. There is no time limit on this.....it has no expiration date.

My love is unconditional--it never waivers--but that does not mean that I must accept inappropriate behavior unconditionally. Addiction often brings with it behaviors that are simply not acceptable.

Letting go and letting God has absolutely nothing to do with helping the addict.....it has everything to do with helping ourselves. My son is homeless, just lost his car to impound with everything he owns in it......I have no idea what will get his attention. And I also wonder how he will change when women keep doing for him what he should be doing for himself.

Time always reveals more.

gentle hugs
ke

thislittlelight

I wish he had parents like you. All I know of his situation is what he told me. There is his story, his parents story and the truth is somewhere in the middle. I know his mom was an alcholic, his dad a felon, and his step dad sexually abused him. I am sure there have been plenty of people through the years though who have honestly tried to help him. I let go and let God for myself AND for him. I pray every night for his safety and salvation. I pray God reveals himself in a mighty and powerful way to him. I love him the way Christ loves him - which is unconditionally and like the prodigal son, I would welcome him home with open arms if he ever chooses to live life and just quit existing. Thanks for the kind words.

thislittlelight

Wow Anvilhead such anger and bitterness! How long have you been in "recovery?"
Allow me to clarify:
There are addicts whom we would call "Functional" they are able to hold down a job, have a home, car, etc... this however does not make them any less of an addict or any more available to others. If someone is using - that is their number one priority. There can only be one number one. That is why addiction is a family disease and affects the entire family, It has a ripple effect. Your actions affect mine and the kids and so on and so on. You were able to keep from losing everything. That's awesome. Sadly, I have seen too many that lose everything to their addiction.
Many addicts came from good homes with good parents and good role models. They have ethics and morals and values. It is just that when using, the addict will "forget" those ethics and morals and values in order to justify, rationalize, or any other defense mechanism you care to choose - in order to use. Do they go into some kind of trance or amnesia that they forget right from wrong? Or that the money they are spending on crack is for rent or the kids formula? OF COURSE THEY DON'T! They just don't care. Do they feel regret, shame, remorse, or guilt at times? OF COURSE THEY DO! That's when they usually pick up that drink, pipe, etc... or are lucky enough to get into recovery.
I wouldn't call my friend "misunderstood" or a "low life con artist." There are reasons behind his situation as all of us have our own histories, which I do not care to go into.
Finally, most addicts are not responsible during their addictions, hence the job losses, homelessness, jail time etc.. the fact that none of this happened to you and that you were able to hold it together for so long and to take your ex into consideration is commendable to be sure. But your behavior would be the exception to the rule, not the norm.

Vale

Anvilhead told me some things awhile ago I didn't want to hear.
Pissed me off,to tell the truth.

>>>>I love him the way Christ loves him - which is unconditionally<<<<<

THAT is what kept me 'hooked' in my codependency/addiction.I would be
the one that SAVED her,the one that never gave up on her.Why could I not
see it? Because I was too close to the situation---and I didn't WANT to see.

I'm not Christ.

My friendship IS conditional.Conditional on people that do not use,abuse,lie to,hurt,manipulate,scam,and disrespect me.Everyone can manufacture 'reasons' why they do what they do,be it beating up their spouse or writing a bad check.And if they can find an endless supply of suckers (like me!) who go on cashing their worthless bank drafts.........WHY WOULDN'T THEY? "Conning" is easier than working.If anyone insists there "is no free lunch" in this world-----I really must beg to differ!

If it's any consolation---I (under my breath)called Anvil much worse than angry or bitter.The illusion is that ALL people have a heart of gold (deep down).It's only the addiction that clouds it.

I do so wish that were true.

It's not.

Thanks again,Anvil......for the kick in the pants when I needed it most!

yellow=addict,brown=codie(s)

laurie6781

You know 'thislittlelight' I have read this whole thread and I am starting to take
a bit of offense at your statements.

You may misunderstand the purpose of this sight. We do not come her to LECTURE
about addiction, we come here to SHARE our own EXPERIENCE, STRENGTH AND
HOPE in the hope that it might help someone else.

You are PREACHING to the choir here. Many of us are double winners, myself
included.

Please, share your ES&H and what you have done. I and I am sure others on
here, probably know as much if not more than you about addiction and co-
dependency, we have been living it, some of us for many years.

I will submit to you, that many of us (A's), myself included, and those I have
worked with all these years, told very interesting stories while practicing, they had
totally DISTORTED stories of what happened to them, about how bad
their parents were, how they were abused or raped or those terrible men/women
they were married to, etc and the TRUE REALITY did not appear until sometime in
recovery and 'working' on ourselves and clearing the wreckage of our
pasts.

So, after all these years, and yes I still sponsor in both AA and Alanon, I take
what a practicing or 'newbie' A tells me with some 'big grains of salt.'

J M H O

Love and hugs,