Dalia

Every time I feel like I'm getting it, I seem to take a few steps back. I am journaling and I can see that my days without the booze are immeasurably better. On every level. I've been stringing together days, so I know I can do it. I fear stepping up to the plate. Why to I try to cling to something that is so harmful to me?

Hevyn

It's a good question, and I never fully understood it, Dalia. I did that myself for years. I saw what needed to be done, but just didn't stay the course. I had to be shown over and over what a dangerous path I was on. When I joined SR I found the courage to change, but it took me a few months.

You sound close to letting go of your old life and reaching out for a new one. We're glad you're here, and that you're still trying. Never give up.

Anna

Dalia, I think it's fear. Fear keeps us clinging to something that is bad for us and causing problems. But, it's something we know. Being sober and living life without alcohol is something we don't know, and for me, I was very scared at the thought.

Know that you can take that leap of faith and live a sober life.

OklaBH

sugarbear1

Creatures of comfort, even if that comfort is not where we want to be. I was scared of feeling good all of the time. In fact, when I did feel good about my life and me, I was uncomfortable and attempted to create some chaos in my life. I prefer the happy and joyous life and I had to get used to it. Today, I cherish it. I can get through most things without even drinking or drugging.

It's a process of change.

I wish you well! You can stay stopped for as long as you want.

DayTrader

To me, what you described is the fundamental nature of alcoholISM. Alcoholic drinking is one thing.....alcohoISM can get ya whether you're drinking or not. It tells you you're not good enough, you're better than everyone, that you "need" X or Y to be complete, that what you WANT is really what you NEED (when it isn't), and so forth.

The bad news for an alkie like me is that "not drinking" doesn't relieve me of those crazy (often contradictory) thoughts. Recovery, from alcoholISM is what it takes - a complete change in living, thinking, and in identifying with the world around me. <--That's precisely the stuff AA deals with -- way beyond the "drinking" part of the disease.

DisplacedGRITS

We've been walking with that crutch for so long we've forgotten how to walk without it. Our ability to cope with life sober has deminished. We're anemic in a sense. We've been used to getting this instant gratification from alcohol. Now we have to learn to deal with delayed gratification. We have to get our endorphins from natural sources. Think about it, everything revolved around having a drug in our system that effected the way our brain sent and recieved signals. We have been, in a sense, rewired. Sobering up involves physically clearing our brain of the alcohol and drugs and rewiring it back. It also involves relearning coping skills we lost when we had alcohol to provide us with our necessary fix to deal. You didn't find yourself in this deep hole of alcoholism after a week or even a few months of drinking most likely. It's going to take a while to learn to "walk" again. It's harder to climb out of the hole than it is to fall in because it's on you. No drugs involved. But you can do it. You lived without alcohol once. You can do it again. It just takes time and persistance.

desertsong

I totally get it, Dalia. Alcohol was my refuge for a very long time. I loved having the comfort of my little "cocoon" ... my bottle, my blanket, my corner of the couch, and the TV. I shut myself off from the world and for awhile it made me feel very safe. Until it started making me very sick.

Alcohol is seductive and it makes false promises. It tells you that it will make your life better, easier, more manageable. But the reality is the complete opposite. We don't realize this until we find our lives in the toilet.

But we CAN live without it. It tells us that we can't, but that is a LIE. Our addiction wants to control us, rule our lives, steal everything we care about, and then kill us. All it needs to succeed is our permission. If we don't give it our permission, it dies. And it's a sweet death to watch.

You know what to do and you can do it again. Believe me, I'm a retread through and through ... slow learner, short memory. But I'm sober over 4 months now after trying for the last 3 years. Use the tools you've learned, reach out for support, and never give up. We may falter at times but as long as we keep trying, we're not failures and we are not doomed.

sweetnlow77

What do you think about getting on anti-depressants such as Paxil or Lexapro? I've tried over and over to drop narcotics and I'm thinking a medication such as these might help me get through it. Or am I just being weak? How do you do it without anything to help you cope?????? This addiction has slowly crept up on me until it's become totally unmanageable.

DisplacedGRITS

I'm bipolar and am on several mood stabilizers. It took a while to get the right blend but they help me a lot. I was on Lexapro once. My family physician put me on it. Starting with your family physician is good but i woulf try to get a referral to someone in behavorial health. For example, i was put on Lexapro when really i had an undiagnosed bipolar disorder and needed a whole different kind of treatment including one on one therapy. Also, seeking help from a substance abuse councilor would be another great place to start.