I think I am done...
Sobriety date 12/19/2011
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2012
Location: TX
Posts: 409
I think I am done...
I am so confused.
I just got off the phone with the father of my children, aged 13 and 12. He has been an addict since he was 17, he is now 42. I have been an alcoholic since I was 17, now I am 42.
I have been in recovery since 12/19/2011; he said he stopped smoking pot on Jun 8th, and doesn't need NA, counseling, or any other plan. He just stopped.
I can't go back to the chaos of his life. He doesn't save money, he constantly lies, he steals, he doesn't fix anything around the house, he gambles, this list could go on and on and on.
I would never marry him, after 14 years of being together, I couldn't. It never felt right. I just kept thinking that when the boys are older, I would leave. I had no idea that it would come this quick, however, I had to get out.
I am in the Healing Arts, and I am now getting back into them full force. He works for his father in a construction company.
He is now telling me that since he stopped smoking, he is so much clearer. He wants us to be friends and work things out. He wants to sit down and talk. In the past, whenever we have done that, he has always manipulated me and gotten back into the house. I left that house this time so there will be none of that, but I just don't think I am strong enough to sit and talk. He will manipulate me again, I just know it. He is very good at it. I almost feel as though I have already been manipulated, just now after getting off the phone with him. I am starting to feel a little for him, I am starting to think that we can be friends, which I want for the boys, but I don't want to be friends right this second. I feel that as time passes, then we can be the best of friends, but for now I think I need to keep a big distance in between us.
I am so confused, as I am just working on my sobriety, and haven't really posted too much over in this forum. I am an ACOA, and all of my relationships I have manifested someone that was an alcoholic and addict. I am just going to my meetings at AA, and not focusing too much on my relationship with him, because I don't want to.
I tried to love him, I tried to do it for the boys, but when there is no trust, there is no love. I turned into an alcoholic because of it.
He will still have all the behaviors if he is not in a program, right? He will still be the same person, right?
Help please, I am so unsure of what to do.
I just got off the phone with the father of my children, aged 13 and 12. He has been an addict since he was 17, he is now 42. I have been an alcoholic since I was 17, now I am 42.
I have been in recovery since 12/19/2011; he said he stopped smoking pot on Jun 8th, and doesn't need NA, counseling, or any other plan. He just stopped.
I can't go back to the chaos of his life. He doesn't save money, he constantly lies, he steals, he doesn't fix anything around the house, he gambles, this list could go on and on and on.
I would never marry him, after 14 years of being together, I couldn't. It never felt right. I just kept thinking that when the boys are older, I would leave. I had no idea that it would come this quick, however, I had to get out.
I am in the Healing Arts, and I am now getting back into them full force. He works for his father in a construction company.
He is now telling me that since he stopped smoking, he is so much clearer. He wants us to be friends and work things out. He wants to sit down and talk. In the past, whenever we have done that, he has always manipulated me and gotten back into the house. I left that house this time so there will be none of that, but I just don't think I am strong enough to sit and talk. He will manipulate me again, I just know it. He is very good at it. I almost feel as though I have already been manipulated, just now after getting off the phone with him. I am starting to feel a little for him, I am starting to think that we can be friends, which I want for the boys, but I don't want to be friends right this second. I feel that as time passes, then we can be the best of friends, but for now I think I need to keep a big distance in between us.
I am so confused, as I am just working on my sobriety, and haven't really posted too much over in this forum. I am an ACOA, and all of my relationships I have manifested someone that was an alcoholic and addict. I am just going to my meetings at AA, and not focusing too much on my relationship with him, because I don't want to.
I tried to love him, I tried to do it for the boys, but when there is no trust, there is no love. I turned into an alcoholic because of it.
He will still have all the behaviors if he is not in a program, right? He will still be the same person, right?
Help please, I am so unsure of what to do.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2012
Location: minnesota
Posts: 272
well, to me it sounds like he is telling you what you want to hear..and also what he wants to believe...he is done with pot, etc. his mind is clearer. if it was me, i would hesitate making any major decisions at this time concerning him. you are working on something big right now, your sobriety. you deserve the time to focus on that for yourself, and your boys. best wishes to you.
To thine own self be true.
Join Date: May 2009
Location: U.S.A.
Posts: 5,924
He will still have all the behaviors if he is not in a program, right? He will still be the same person, right?
I have never been able to maintain friendships with X's who are alcoholics or addicts when I am hurting. It sounds like staying involved with your X is going to compromise your own sobriety. Addicts cause so much chaos and stress. You need to take care of YOU FIRST. Please don't go back with him. Please work on yourself and the time and energy you would spend on this "friendship," spend with your children. They will be grown and gone before you know it. This is such a crucial age for your kids and the fact that their dad is an addict and you recently entered recovery tells me these kids NEED your time and love and attention. You can make a difference with THEM. You can't make a difference with your ex.
Sobriety date 12/19/2011
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2012
Location: TX
Posts: 409
I like that - I can make a difference with Them and I can't make a difference with Him. d to Thanks for that learn2live.
This is all so new to me, I just left him one month ago, but it is really hard. I have been with him for 14 almost 15 years now, and now I am alone.
I am having to re-learn how to do everything sober, which has been really hard. I use to do everything with a glass of wine or some beers. Now I am having to do everything sober, I am just hoping in time it will all get better.
I feel lonely, lost, scared, confused, all of the negative emotions just keep creeping back in. I go from really happy to way down low on the negative side.
I need to read all the posts at the top - I am sure I will learn a lot more about my situation there. I just want to do what is right for my kids.
I left him, so the kids are looking at me like I am the bad one, they blame AA for me leaving their dad.
I am just so darn confused.
This is all so new to me, I just left him one month ago, but it is really hard. I have been with him for 14 almost 15 years now, and now I am alone.
I am having to re-learn how to do everything sober, which has been really hard. I use to do everything with a glass of wine or some beers. Now I am having to do everything sober, I am just hoping in time it will all get better.
I feel lonely, lost, scared, confused, all of the negative emotions just keep creeping back in. I go from really happy to way down low on the negative side.
I need to read all the posts at the top - I am sure I will learn a lot more about my situation there. I just want to do what is right for my kids.
I left him, so the kids are looking at me like I am the bad one, they blame AA for me leaving their dad.
I am just so darn confused.
Drug Addiction Has No Mercy
Join Date: Mar 2005
Location: Milwaukie Oregon
Posts: 875
I remember when I first got clean and sober I was a mess. I came out of oblivion and I didn't know how to feel, I didn't know if the emotions I felt were valid, normal or if they fit the situation.
I remember one time I was upset about something my husband did and I second guessed myself. I wasn't sure if anger was appropriate. I called my Pastor and talked with him about what had happened and he validated that feeling angry was appropriate for the situation.
You are so new to being sober, but yet already you realize his manipulation. I will tell you that it is very important to stay true to yourself in your recovery. It sounds to me like being with him and living with his lying, stealing, gambling ... Would be a trigger for you. I think you are doing the right thing by leaving and taking time for yourself.
It is hard on the kids cause they don't understand, but you know the real deal and you know that being with him is not good for you or for them if he is using and even if he has stopped it is too soon for him to have a solid foundation.
To be honest it sounds like he is telling you what you what he thinks will reel you back in. I don't think he is being honest with himself or you.
I say stand your ground. It is tough and it is hard, but it can be done. No is a good word to add to your vocabulary and don't hesitate to use it.
I learned very early in my recovery that if I wanted to remain clean I would have to grow a big set of balls and stand my ground firmly. I had to exercise my right to say no and then I had to stand by my decision. Otherwise I would be bulldozed over by what he wanted me to do.
It is normal to feel lonely and confused when coming out of the fog. We don't know where we are, but we know where we've been and if we put one foot in front of the other we can walk recovery on a daily basis. You do have to relearn to do everything sober, but it can be done and is so worth it.
Always remember .. you do not have to make any decisions that you are not ready to make. You do have a mind of your own and you are free to use it. The word NO is not mean. It is okay to focus on yourself and your recovery. You have the right to decide if you need a time out from him until you get more grounded yourself. Your wants and needs are important. Honesty is the best policy where the kids are concerned (at least that has been my experience). Be gentle on yourself and be kind to yourself.
Try not to project into the future, but rather take things day by day, minute by minute if you have to.
You are stronger than you know
Smarter than you think. You have direction ... you know where you want to go .. you know getting there is going to be work, but you want it bad enough that you left him and that tells me that there is a part of you that believes you can do it! And you can!
I believe you can do it too and I'm on the side line cheering you on!
You go girl!
Hugs,
Passion
Recovering addict
I remember one time I was upset about something my husband did and I second guessed myself. I wasn't sure if anger was appropriate. I called my Pastor and talked with him about what had happened and he validated that feeling angry was appropriate for the situation.
You are so new to being sober, but yet already you realize his manipulation. I will tell you that it is very important to stay true to yourself in your recovery. It sounds to me like being with him and living with his lying, stealing, gambling ... Would be a trigger for you. I think you are doing the right thing by leaving and taking time for yourself.
It is hard on the kids cause they don't understand, but you know the real deal and you know that being with him is not good for you or for them if he is using and even if he has stopped it is too soon for him to have a solid foundation.
To be honest it sounds like he is telling you what you what he thinks will reel you back in. I don't think he is being honest with himself or you.
I say stand your ground. It is tough and it is hard, but it can be done. No is a good word to add to your vocabulary and don't hesitate to use it.
I learned very early in my recovery that if I wanted to remain clean I would have to grow a big set of balls and stand my ground firmly. I had to exercise my right to say no and then I had to stand by my decision. Otherwise I would be bulldozed over by what he wanted me to do.
It is normal to feel lonely and confused when coming out of the fog. We don't know where we are, but we know where we've been and if we put one foot in front of the other we can walk recovery on a daily basis. You do have to relearn to do everything sober, but it can be done and is so worth it.
Always remember .. you do not have to make any decisions that you are not ready to make. You do have a mind of your own and you are free to use it. The word NO is not mean. It is okay to focus on yourself and your recovery. You have the right to decide if you need a time out from him until you get more grounded yourself. Your wants and needs are important. Honesty is the best policy where the kids are concerned (at least that has been my experience). Be gentle on yourself and be kind to yourself.
Try not to project into the future, but rather take things day by day, minute by minute if you have to.
You are stronger than you know
Smarter than you think. You have direction ... you know where you want to go .. you know getting there is going to be work, but you want it bad enough that you left him and that tells me that there is a part of you that believes you can do it! And you can!I believe you can do it too and I'm on the side line cheering you on!
You go girl!
Hugs,
Passion
Recovering addict
Member
Join Date: Jul 2012
Location: Anywhere USA
Posts: 30
Sounds like he is an addict who is not using. That is not the same thing as being in recovery. Being with him could be a trigger of relapse for you because he has changed nothing other than not using. I would tell him to get into recovery, go to meetings, find a sponsor and that I will be expecting a call when he gets to step nine. I know it's difficult because you love him and you have children with him which will forever keep you two linked. Work on your own recovery, share this with your sponsor, pray! and remember you are worth so much more than this! I am proud of you and your recovery, you are living proof that it can be done!
Sobriety date 12/19/2011
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2012
Location: TX
Posts: 409
Thanks for all of your wonderful replies.
Soon he will be bringing the boys over, it seems like I have them EVERY weekend, but since I am sober, it really doesn't matter. However, my AA group is now doing things on Sat nights and my Holistic Health Group that I started meets every Fri night. He knows that, at least the Fri nights, but is still bringing them when it suits him. I have just been praying and letting everything fall into place throughout this whole split-up.
I am going to need to tell him something soon, because I don't want to be sucked into any type of habit here.
I haven't gotten a lawyer, haven't gotten anything on child support, haven't made a visitation schedule, etc... I am just leaving it all up to God, hoping that things will just fall into place naturally. This is the first time, since I have been sober, to be able to do this. I finally "got it" in AA, I am just trying to put it into action in all of my affairs.
Is this being intelligent?
I am thinking I need to work out a visitation schedule, and I need to have him start sending a little bit of money when the boys come over.
I don't think it is wrong of me. I don't want to make this about custody or child support at this time. I really want to be able to do this on my own, without his support. It is just that right now, I don't have a job. However, when I get a job, then I wont ask him for diddly!! I want to be able to do this on my own, at least at this time. I am not sure if I will change my mind later though.
This is all so new to me. I am SO GLAD I found this site though. I am so happy to hear that there are others just like me, that have problems with significant others. And a board to vent it all out on, and then to hear what yawls answers are!! It is so amazing.
Soon he will be bringing the boys over, it seems like I have them EVERY weekend, but since I am sober, it really doesn't matter. However, my AA group is now doing things on Sat nights and my Holistic Health Group that I started meets every Fri night. He knows that, at least the Fri nights, but is still bringing them when it suits him. I have just been praying and letting everything fall into place throughout this whole split-up.
I am going to need to tell him something soon, because I don't want to be sucked into any type of habit here.
I haven't gotten a lawyer, haven't gotten anything on child support, haven't made a visitation schedule, etc... I am just leaving it all up to God, hoping that things will just fall into place naturally. This is the first time, since I have been sober, to be able to do this. I finally "got it" in AA, I am just trying to put it into action in all of my affairs.
Is this being intelligent?
I am thinking I need to work out a visitation schedule, and I need to have him start sending a little bit of money when the boys come over.
I don't think it is wrong of me. I don't want to make this about custody or child support at this time. I really want to be able to do this on my own, without his support. It is just that right now, I don't have a job. However, when I get a job, then I wont ask him for diddly!! I want to be able to do this on my own, at least at this time. I am not sure if I will change my mind later though.
This is all so new to me. I am SO GLAD I found this site though. I am so happy to hear that there are others just like me, that have problems with significant others. And a board to vent it all out on, and then to hear what yawls answers are!! It is so amazing.
To thine own self be true.
Join Date: May 2009
Location: U.S.A.
Posts: 5,924
Do you have a sponsor? Also, you may want to check out Al-Anon and learn some tools for dealing with him that you can practice every day and grow yourself. It will be good for your children too, to see mom modeling good, healthy behaviors such as Detachment, Letting Go, One Day at a Time, etc.
ASK for help. Do what you need to get help for yourself so that you are not stressed. Remember, stress and inability to cope without turning to alcohol will cause you to relapse. Stay aware of and deal with the stress, don't take on too much, know when to say No to others and don't be afraid to. Ask others how to do things when you need to. Remember it is OK if things are not perfect or just so. Let "good enough" be good enough. Give yourself some slack. Take time everyday to take care of you first. Spend time with the kids just playing a board game or going for a walk, or something free and simple.
(((hugs))) soberbrooke, you are not alone. Your Higher Power is with you and so are we. You can do this. If I can do it, YOU most certainly can! I promise!
ASK for help. Do what you need to get help for yourself so that you are not stressed. Remember, stress and inability to cope without turning to alcohol will cause you to relapse. Stay aware of and deal with the stress, don't take on too much, know when to say No to others and don't be afraid to. Ask others how to do things when you need to. Remember it is OK if things are not perfect or just so. Let "good enough" be good enough. Give yourself some slack. Take time everyday to take care of you first. Spend time with the kids just playing a board game or going for a walk, or something free and simple.
(((hugs))) soberbrooke, you are not alone. Your Higher Power is with you and so are we. You can do this. If I can do it, YOU most certainly can! I promise!
Member
Join Date: Jul 2012
Posts: 40
Simply put:
1. Focus on you
2. Focus on your children
3. Focus on healing you
4. Focus on healing your children
5. Create a better life for you.
6. Create a better life for your children
Repeat the 6 steps above over, and over again. DO NOT go back to your old life... your kids will thank you and you will thank yourself
1. Focus on you
2. Focus on your children
3. Focus on healing you
4. Focus on healing your children
5. Create a better life for you.
6. Create a better life for your children
Repeat the 6 steps above over, and over again. DO NOT go back to your old life... your kids will thank you and you will thank yourself
Let go and Let God!
Join Date: Sep 2011
Location: Ohio
Posts: 352
Do the footwork and God will do the rest. I live by that motto. I think filing for child support would be a benefit to you and the children. Also a type of visitation schedule would also be good. I am not sure where you are, but in my state the mother has custody if never married. With my oldest he had to take me to court to get visitation.
Dealing with an addict ex isn't an easy task. My daughter was young and I remember her waiting on Daddy to pick her up and he never came. I had to have a back up plan if I wanted to make plans. I couldn't rely on an addict.
Thoughts and prayers to you.
Dealing with an addict ex isn't an easy task. My daughter was young and I remember her waiting on Daddy to pick her up and he never came. I had to have a back up plan if I wanted to make plans. I couldn't rely on an addict.
Thoughts and prayers to you.
Sobriety date 12/19/2011
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2012
Location: TX
Posts: 409
We have been sharing in the custody thing. I get them a few days and then he gets them, for now. I need to make up a schedule so that we can put some structure in the boys life. For now, its approx 4-5 days here, 4-5 days there.
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