New here,my first vent...looking for....help...
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2012
Posts: 35
New here,my first vent...looking for....help...
I've been married to my AH for 5 years. We have a 3 yr old DD and almost 1 yr old DS, and also an 11 yr old stepson from husbands previous relationship. I waited a long time to marry, finally marrying at 34, and I can't believe that after waiting so long to find that special person, I found an alcoholic.
I'm probably the worst person he could have married, because I don't understand alcoholism and I haven't much empathy for his problem. I've seen what chemical dependency did to my Father, and my Aunt and a whole lot of other people and I want no part of it. However, here I am. I gave my children an alcoholic for a Father, and now, after striving so hard to not end up in this position, I am contemplating divorce.
He lost his job about a month before we married to alcohol use, received another chance at his job with counseling, and lost it again, due to alcohol. He has never lost another job due to alcohol use but I am really starting to wonder how long that will last. Initially, I thought I could help him through this....but this is more powerful than me. He has stopped drinking at times for several weeks, only to start again. We have come to agreements that he only drink on the weekends, but of course it always creeps into the rest of the week, and here lately, it is pretty much every day. He went to one AlAnon meeting a couple years back, but he hated it. He doesn’t see the problem because he does his job but he is putting his alcohol purchases on his credit card when we don’t have the cash.
I can’t leave our children in his care while he is drinking and part of my dilemma is wanting to be able to stay home with my kids until they get into school full time, and right now my AH is paying the bills. The decision to leave means I will head back out into the rat race and my children end up in daycare which is part of my resentment towards my AH.
Our relationship has deteriorated to the point we have no intimacy left. I really don’t feel intimate towards him because of the resentment I have toward him and the fact I really don’t want to smell the alcohol on his breath. I do still care about him and I really want him to be ok, but not sure I can get back the feelings I once had for him. We argue constantly. It’s to the point that I have no interest in being with him but I fear the turn his life will take if I leave. He is already depressed about the state of our relationship and our lives, and already living with one child in a separate household, this only adds to the feeling of failure.
I know I can’t let that keep me in this miserable situation as it is only making me depressed as well but I have a profound fear he will take his life because he knows he doesn’t have control over the alcohol. I already had an ex-boyfriend take his own life, which affected me profoundly, and I don’t know how I will fair if he does the same. Obviously I don’t want that for my children either, but I also don’t want them to see their parents fighting every day and I don’t want them watching their Father drinking every day. I feel like I’m in an impossible situation!
Anyhow, it has led me here. I searched out this site to help me deal with and figure things out. I am doing some soul searching, praying, and seeking out information that may help me make the right decision for my life and that of my children.
So that’s my vent(for now). I haven’t had the chance to read a whole lot on this site yet, but from the few posts I have read, I think this site, and the people on it, are going to help me in my decision. That decision, right now, is that I have to get out because nothing is changing and is in fact, getting worse. I just need some bolstering to help me feel a bit more at peace with my decision, because I fear the worse. I don’t want my AH to give up on life, I just want him to give up the alcohol. And I know…..easier said than done……
I'm probably the worst person he could have married, because I don't understand alcoholism and I haven't much empathy for his problem. I've seen what chemical dependency did to my Father, and my Aunt and a whole lot of other people and I want no part of it. However, here I am. I gave my children an alcoholic for a Father, and now, after striving so hard to not end up in this position, I am contemplating divorce.
He lost his job about a month before we married to alcohol use, received another chance at his job with counseling, and lost it again, due to alcohol. He has never lost another job due to alcohol use but I am really starting to wonder how long that will last. Initially, I thought I could help him through this....but this is more powerful than me. He has stopped drinking at times for several weeks, only to start again. We have come to agreements that he only drink on the weekends, but of course it always creeps into the rest of the week, and here lately, it is pretty much every day. He went to one AlAnon meeting a couple years back, but he hated it. He doesn’t see the problem because he does his job but he is putting his alcohol purchases on his credit card when we don’t have the cash.
I can’t leave our children in his care while he is drinking and part of my dilemma is wanting to be able to stay home with my kids until they get into school full time, and right now my AH is paying the bills. The decision to leave means I will head back out into the rat race and my children end up in daycare which is part of my resentment towards my AH.
Our relationship has deteriorated to the point we have no intimacy left. I really don’t feel intimate towards him because of the resentment I have toward him and the fact I really don’t want to smell the alcohol on his breath. I do still care about him and I really want him to be ok, but not sure I can get back the feelings I once had for him. We argue constantly. It’s to the point that I have no interest in being with him but I fear the turn his life will take if I leave. He is already depressed about the state of our relationship and our lives, and already living with one child in a separate household, this only adds to the feeling of failure.
I know I can’t let that keep me in this miserable situation as it is only making me depressed as well but I have a profound fear he will take his life because he knows he doesn’t have control over the alcohol. I already had an ex-boyfriend take his own life, which affected me profoundly, and I don’t know how I will fair if he does the same. Obviously I don’t want that for my children either, but I also don’t want them to see their parents fighting every day and I don’t want them watching their Father drinking every day. I feel like I’m in an impossible situation!
Anyhow, it has led me here. I searched out this site to help me deal with and figure things out. I am doing some soul searching, praying, and seeking out information that may help me make the right decision for my life and that of my children.
So that’s my vent(for now). I haven’t had the chance to read a whole lot on this site yet, but from the few posts I have read, I think this site, and the people on it, are going to help me in my decision. That decision, right now, is that I have to get out because nothing is changing and is in fact, getting worse. I just need some bolstering to help me feel a bit more at peace with my decision, because I fear the worse. I don’t want my AH to give up on life, I just want him to give up the alcohol. And I know…..easier said than done……
peaceful seabird
Join Date: Sep 2008
Location: floating
Posts: 4,822
Welcome to the SR family!
You have found a wonderful resource of support and information. Please continue to post and read as often as needed. We understand, and we care.
When I first arrived here, I learned about the 3 C's of my husbands alcoholism:
I did not Cause it
I cannot Control it
I will not Cure it
It took me a while to wrap my head around that concept! I was sure I could convince my AH (alcoholic husband) to change into the man I wanted him to be. My resentments and anger grew with every attempt.
Finally, I got sick and tired of being sick and tired. I gave his alcoholism to him (and all it's consequences) and I began to focus on myself and the children. I started posting here, attending Alanon meetings (Alanon is for the friends and family of an alcoholic, while AA is for the alcoholic), and I started reading self-improvement books like "Codependent No More" by Melody Beattie (currently re-reading that one).
I finally found my serenity! One of the posts that helped me while living with active alcoholism was this one:
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...l-problem.html
You have found a wonderful resource of support and information. Please continue to post and read as often as needed. We understand, and we care.
When I first arrived here, I learned about the 3 C's of my husbands alcoholism:
I did not Cause it
I cannot Control it
I will not Cure it
It took me a while to wrap my head around that concept! I was sure I could convince my AH (alcoholic husband) to change into the man I wanted him to be. My resentments and anger grew with every attempt.
Finally, I got sick and tired of being sick and tired. I gave his alcoholism to him (and all it's consequences) and I began to focus on myself and the children. I started posting here, attending Alanon meetings (Alanon is for the friends and family of an alcoholic, while AA is for the alcoholic), and I started reading self-improvement books like "Codependent No More" by Melody Beattie (currently re-reading that one).
I finally found my serenity! One of the posts that helped me while living with active alcoholism was this one:
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...l-problem.html
Member
Join Date: May 2012
Posts: 1,295
Empower yourself.
Self doubt about returning to the work force is HUGE. Especially when we wonder how we will make ends meet, and then there's the problems that come with all the responsibilities like getting kids to daycare, heck, even finding a decent daycare.
I know it seems daunting. Baby steps...nobody ever accomplished anything all at once.
I too lost a boyfriend to suicide. I know the pain, it is severe for better part of a year. I know your fear. I also know that since you have survived that once, you know that it is not your fault when others make that decision, including at any point if your H were to make such a decision, and quite frankly, if he has the potential to do that to himself, he could do it while married to you also. You cannot take that responsibility on your shoulders. My bf that committed suicide came to me and said-Come back to me or else--and then he did it. We can't have relationships in which we are held hostage to that kind of threat. I still love the deceased bf, but I no longer blame myself for his decision to take his own life.
Something to ponder--what kind of mom will you be to your kids if you are always a wreck inside? What kind of life will they have living in an alcoholic household? What will they think normal is, and how will it affect who they become as adults themselves?
The sad truth is there is no normal functioning life married to an alcoholic. NEVER, EVER. You can't make it work. You can endure, but you can never make a normal life out of madness, not for yourself, not for your kids.
I feel for you. Having to make that kind of decision, knowing the responsibilites that will come onto your shoulders, is tough.
After freeing myself after 10 years, I have the same advice to everybody. Leave, and leave with the thought that you can always come back to them if they sober up. This gives you an out of the door, yet you are leaving the future open. It relieves you of the fear of permanency. During the time apart, he can sober up, or he can decide not to. Either way--you win, see?
Self doubt about returning to the work force is HUGE. Especially when we wonder how we will make ends meet, and then there's the problems that come with all the responsibilities like getting kids to daycare, heck, even finding a decent daycare.
I know it seems daunting. Baby steps...nobody ever accomplished anything all at once.
I too lost a boyfriend to suicide. I know the pain, it is severe for better part of a year. I know your fear. I also know that since you have survived that once, you know that it is not your fault when others make that decision, including at any point if your H were to make such a decision, and quite frankly, if he has the potential to do that to himself, he could do it while married to you also. You cannot take that responsibility on your shoulders. My bf that committed suicide came to me and said-Come back to me or else--and then he did it. We can't have relationships in which we are held hostage to that kind of threat. I still love the deceased bf, but I no longer blame myself for his decision to take his own life.
Something to ponder--what kind of mom will you be to your kids if you are always a wreck inside? What kind of life will they have living in an alcoholic household? What will they think normal is, and how will it affect who they become as adults themselves?
The sad truth is there is no normal functioning life married to an alcoholic. NEVER, EVER. You can't make it work. You can endure, but you can never make a normal life out of madness, not for yourself, not for your kids.
I feel for you. Having to make that kind of decision, knowing the responsibilites that will come onto your shoulders, is tough.
After freeing myself after 10 years, I have the same advice to everybody. Leave, and leave with the thought that you can always come back to them if they sober up. This gives you an out of the door, yet you are leaving the future open. It relieves you of the fear of permanency. During the time apart, he can sober up, or he can decide not to. Either way--you win, see?
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2012
Posts: 35
Originally Posted by Pelican 
Finally, I got sick and tired of being sick and tired. I gave his alcoholism to him (and all it's consequences) and I began to focus on myself and the children. I started posting here, attending Alanon meetings (Alanon is for the friends and family of an alcoholic, while AA is for the alcoholic), and I started reading self-improvement books like "Codependent No More" by Melody Beattie (currently re-reading that one).
Originally Posted by MadeOfGlass
Something to ponder--what kind of mom will you be to your kids if you are always a wreck inside? What kind of life will they have living in an alcoholic household? What will they think normal is, and how will it affect who they become as adults themselves?
Member
Join Date: Jul 2012
Location: Wenatchee, Wa
Posts: 17
I just left my husband June 22nd 2012. It's tough! I've been dealing with his alcoholism for at least 8 years. Though I can't tell you when it got so severe.
Please get your kids out of there. I can tell you the abuse that may soon follow to your children is aweful. My children still don't want to talk to me about everything. I just found out yesterday that my AH through a lawn chair at my son while he was in the pool. He made my 13 yo son drive him home because he was too drunk. He told my son that if he told me he would break his jaw.
You may be thinking that my AH would never do that. I never thought mine would either. It's better to have your children at daycare than to live with the abuse that comes with alcoholism.
Alanon will help you gain some tools to help you.
Please get your kids out of there. I can tell you the abuse that may soon follow to your children is aweful. My children still don't want to talk to me about everything. I just found out yesterday that my AH through a lawn chair at my son while he was in the pool. He made my 13 yo son drive him home because he was too drunk. He told my son that if he told me he would break his jaw.
You may be thinking that my AH would never do that. I never thought mine would either. It's better to have your children at daycare than to live with the abuse that comes with alcoholism.
Alanon will help you gain some tools to help you.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2012
Posts: 35
Originally Posted by Heartbroke353
I just left my husband June 22nd 2012. It's tough! I've been dealing with his alcoholism for at least 8 years. Though I can't tell you when it got so severe.
Please get your kids out of there. I can tell you the abuse that may soon follow to your children is aweful. My children still don't want to talk to me about everything. I just found out yesterday that my AH through a lawn chair at my son while he was in the pool. He made my 13 yo son drive him home because he was too drunk. He told my son that if he told me he would break his jaw.
You may be thinking that my AH would never do that. I never thought mine would either. It's better to have your children at daycare than to live with the abuse that comes with alcoholism.
Alanon will help you gain some tools to help you.
Please get your kids out of there. I can tell you the abuse that may soon follow to your children is aweful. My children still don't want to talk to me about everything. I just found out yesterday that my AH through a lawn chair at my son while he was in the pool. He made my 13 yo son drive him home because he was too drunk. He told my son that if he told me he would break his jaw.
You may be thinking that my AH would never do that. I never thought mine would either. It's better to have your children at daycare than to live with the abuse that comes with alcoholism.
Alanon will help you gain some tools to help you.
Congratulations on taking that step to leave. I am still having a hard time with it. I know I am going to give him an ultimatum soon, quite possibly this Sunday after his son goes home. Not sure that's gonna' work, though, so I am trying to get the guts to actually serve him with divorce papers.
Guest
Join Date: Oct 2011
Posts: 386
I'm sorry that the alcoholism that you thought was part of the past continues to play on in the present, but the future is absolutely up to you!
Before getting involved with my XABF, (who has an alcoholic father, cousin and uncle and probably a few more relatives, as well as an enabler mother) I had no real idea of alcoholism and what it does to families.
I hope that you get things sorted for the benefit of you and your children very soon! God bless!
Before getting involved with my XABF, (who has an alcoholic father, cousin and uncle and probably a few more relatives, as well as an enabler mother) I had no real idea of alcoholism and what it does to families.
I hope that you get things sorted for the benefit of you and your children very soon! God bless!
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