Portia123

Hello Everyone, my AH checked himself into a 30 day inpatient rehab facility last week. He detoxes under doctor supervision, now he's in the rehab portion of the facility. He calls me every day and I can tell from his voice and words he is happy to be there, learning to arrest his disease, nutrition (he is diabetic 2 that was clearly put of whack but now under control, his blood sugar levels are normal), daily counseling, groups, AA meetings, the works.

He said yesterday that he feels really good, although I know he has 26 days or so to go. If this trend continues, his recovery MAY be successful although I know the risks from my Al anon work.

My real question is this. Yesterday he made a comment that when he comes home, I'll have a new husband and he hopes I'll like him. I'm thinking of course I will, I love him with all my heart and I'm using this period of time to rest and take care of myself.

Of those out there with a similar situation, I'd appreciate learning what I can about what I can expect when he comes home. Thanks in advance for any sharing anyone is willing to do. Peace!

allysen

My situation is kind of similar, except my husband's time in a facility was much shorter.

We take it one day at a time. The only thing 'new' about him since coming home is that he is sober. Obviously the alcohol was masking problems (personal, marital, communication, familial) that still exist despite the fact the alcohol is now gone. Those demons will take much longer to address and its part of the battle for both of us from here on.

I set some very clear boundaries that he was aware of prior to coming home, and I basically told him if he wasn't in agreement with any of them not to bother coming home at all. There are times I can tell he's struggling, and it scares me, but I at least have the peace of mind that those boundaries give me - it was something I didn't have before he got help.

Good luck to you both!

wicked

Portia,

You said something in your post about your Al Anon work. Keep up the good work!

I was one that came home after rehab, and I was waiting for him when he finished a few weeks later. I expected we would be nervous (we were) because we had never known each other sober, and we had two children. We had sex, which was uncomfortable and quick, then we went and got the kids from the foster parents the Army provided. He came home on a Tuesday (I think) and he was clearly craving alcohol.
He decided on Friday that he did not have a drinking problem (he says he learned that during treatment) he was not as bad as me, or the other people who were in treatment with him. Not too much longer and he was back to drunk husband. Now, I am sober, he is drunk and now more hateful than ever because I did not want sex with him, could not take the stink.
Your husband sounds glad to be sober. You know you can only go with right now, but I can tell you I was on a pink cloud for awhile after I left treatment. Even my ex's bad behaviors could not bring me down. I was hoping to have a better relationship with my ex, but instead I went to meetings and other sober get-togethers.
He will not be a new husband. He will be the same husband. Maybe with some knowledge he will put to use or not.
Maybe you should work on your boundaries. Expectations lead to resentments.
Work the program you wish he would. That is what will prepare you for his homecoming.

Beth

webber1

Portia

my ex ah spent 3 months in a rehab facility. She returned home and in her words :" a new person a new life".

Id recommend extreme caution in your expectations. Mine sober still was full of resentment, anger and I realised that she was so damaged that so she simply wasnt the person Id hoped for. Sober or drunk they are still the same person just without the booze they run out of excuses. Recovery is no picnic.

I hope for your sake your partner embraces recovery but you should be focusing on yourself. Its going to be a rough ride.

She relapsed 5 months on and I ended it. At the risk of sounding selfish I didnt want this life anymore. I would never ever get invloved with a AH. I really did love this woman but in the end I loved myself more.

Ellvk

Wishing you strength through this process. Rehab is only the beginning, and you cannot control the outcome. My AH did 60 days, and was very ill the first couple of weeks as he detoxed.. I was hopeful but guarded. Unfortunately, he did not continue to work a program after he came home, and he relapsed 5 months later. We are struggling.

Does his facility have a family week or counselor? I highly recommend it. At my husband's program, family week was like 40 hours of straight Alanon with addiction counselors as facilitators. It was intense, but awesome. Highly recommend.

Best wishes to you,
L.

Portia123

Thanks everyone for the great advice. I already knew these things, so it's very helpful to see I'm not on another planet.

In the months leading up to his rock bottom and the last week before rehab being the worst, I decided to take a break from Al Anon. I went 2x a week for 3 years. I am sick of having to discuss this "issue" and having it in my life every day. I don't want to hear anybody's else's stories right now, I don't feel like sharing right now either. I have the tools I learned, I read the materials and meditate 1/2 hour a day and using this time to rest and rejuvenate myself. I do have a counselor I go to weekly and she's wonderful and helpful to me. I feel like she's my Al Anon and "paid" sponsor for now. I have several friends I've made in AA and we talk on the phone frequently. I feel as if I'm taking care of myself the way I WANT TO at the moment. I called my brother to see if he can come and visit with me, and he's coming next weekend. I'm really looking forward to "little buddy" time with my little bro, we have a blast together. I'm hooking up with friends I haven't seen for a while. Trying to do as much as I can that has NOTHING to do with discussing alcoholism or alcohol. I'm sick of it being such a large part of my life that not engaging at all with AA is actually helpful. Except, I do like coming to this site, reading the threads and posting.

I have not been contacted yet re family meetings at his facility. I do know it's intense for him, which I'm glad. He just got transferred to the rehab portion of the facility 2 days ago after detox unit. He said he may not be able to call me for a while, which I'm fine with. He depends on me so much that I'm not sure it'll be helpful for him to have me a part of his program for now. He needs to learn to live sober by himself, some counselor there may disagree. Funny thing is, my RAH has been in an outpatient program for 2 years, but he relapsed constantly. As part of that program, he and I do family counseling and this same counselor is the one who is counseling me while he's now in rehab.

I'm always guarded, and will continue to be. However, I think, for me, if I follow the path I described during these 30 days, it'll do me more good than talking about this subject! I need to detach from the subject as much as possible so when he comes home, I'll be more myself than the person I was when he was actively drinking. Am I out of my mind to think like this?

Again, thanks everyone for their advice. I will continue to keep watch on this site and do my 1/2 a day here also as part of my therapy! XOXO

wicked

No, Portia, I think this is a good idea. His alcoholism has been a BIG part of your life.
Time to be you for a while.

Beth

Thumper

He checked himself into detox and then a 30 day treatment program when I told him I wanted a separation. He came home and wanted the entire thing behind him. He was the star of his rehab program. He soaked it up like sponge and figured he was cured. He wanted me to wipe the board clean and step into the roll of perfectly happy Stepford wife - and to support him with enthusiastic sex and lavish adoration. Really. He was hurt, mystified and offended that it wasn't so. This was what was expected, my obligation and responsibility, the least I could do to fix the wreck that was our lives. He was resistant to pursuing a recovery program after the treatment program ended. He drank again (significant drinking - no slow ramping up) before the month was up.

That is what happened when my husband came home. No way to guess what will happen when your husband comes home. Sounds like you are doing a much better job of taking care of yourself and knowing what is up then I ever did. Sending positive thoughts and vibes your way.

Portia123

Hey Thumper, thanks for your post. I'm sorry it's not going well for you. My RAH is the "star" too over there, everyone loves him. I'm pretty formidable on my own and he knows full well that I am. Not saying you're not formidable, it sounds like you are. In the months leading up to his "rock bottom", I made it very clear that if he doesn't work a program, get sober and get this subject out of our lives in the big way it is now, that I'm outties. I think for him that's a motivation as well to arrest this disease. I'm still guarded but keeping my AA "training" in mind by taking care of myself these next 25 days or so.

Funny thing is, the first few nights, I'd wake up suddenly thinking the other side of the bed is empty and in that fog wondering what's up. Then I remember where he is and go back to sleep. The last two nights I slept all night without waking up, I'm feeling more rested, happier and optimistic (while still being guarded of his return and continued work on his program).

I decided I'm going to a movie by myself today. I used to love to do that, I think I'll see Ted - I love Seth MacFarland's humor. Some stupid mind numbing activity to further make me feel normal again. LOL...

Thanks Thumper, keep up the good work and God Bless you! XOXO

Thumper

Excellent.

Thank you for the kind words. That was in 2009. The continued drinking was a deal breaker for me as well and I've been divorced since early 2010. I'm happy to report that eventually I was also able to find some rest and serenity. I'm so happy to hear that you have such a good 'base' for this phase in your life. I did not and it wasn't easy and wouldn't have been regardless of how things would have went. I joined here right as it all started and this was the first taste of any kind of recovery work for myself.

Just as a way to follow up my xah continued to spiral down for another year and then entered another detox and very long term treatment program. He is apparently sober now. He has not been in this area for a year and we communicate by email only. He speaks with the boys every once in awhile.

Portia123

Well, it's day 9 of my RAH's rehab. I decided I'd try and do things I haven't been able to do mainly because his disease always seems to get in the way of my life in a big way. I'm so sick of the subject of the disease, I could puke. So, still not feeling like an Al Anon meeting, I still want to find some normalcy during this 30 day period of peace and serenity, knowing my RAH is in a safe place and getting help. He received my care package of clothes, because when he left for rehab, he was so sick, half of what he packed was my clothes! Haha

Yesterday, I went to a movie by myself, Ted. Love Seth MacFarland's humor and it didn't disappoint. Today, I actually finished a book! Hunger Games, now I can watch the movie. Got a phone call from rehab, where nurse told me RAH's on "black out" til Thursday, so I won't talk to him until then. I'm feeling more rested than I have in a long time. My little brother called, he's coming to visit me next weekend, I'm excited.

If no one minds, I think I'll try and post on this thread every day to say how my day was while RAH is in intense inpatient rehab. Maybe it could help others? Who knows, but I like it. Have a good evening everyone! XOXO

sugarbear1

Have you worked the 12 steps in Al Anon?

I will have 14 months of sobriety tomorrow. After 30 days, I was NOT a new woman. I was a woman who had 30 days of abstinence. The 12 step work took a while and still takes time to change my old habits.

I'm glad your hubby has a positive outlook, but it's still going to take time. Once he's home, it's also going to take time for him to continue to change old habits along with the two of you changing your old habits of behaving with each other. Have you read Alcoholics Anonymous? There's a lot of information on the wife and the family afterward....

I wish you both well in your recovery.
Hugs,

Portia123

Thanks for your post, Sugar. Yes, I've worked the 12 steps in 3 years of Al Anon. I have the books, read them, meditate and continue to keep the concepts of the 12 steps in my life. I appreciate your input, I too need to change habits in living with this disease. I know he has to change habits to keep sobriety.

He's been in outpatient therapy as well and will continue with counseling after he gets out. I go with him once a week for family counseling and that's what we talk about - changing habits. But hopefully with this intensive inpatient therapy, that concept will stick better than it has.

As I've said above, I'm getting back to doing things I like to do during these 30 days. I think, for me, that's more important than going to Al Anon meetings. If I change my habits by going back to enjoying things I could not while this disease is permeating my house, I will be a happier person for him when he returns. I'm still going to our counselor during these 30 days and I've been encouraged to take this route.

It's day 10 now, and I can't believe how much better I'm sleeping, I have little stress and I pray to my HP that both of us will change so our lives will be better when he returns. If not, then we'll cross that bridge, but for today, life is good and I'm going to embrace it!

Thanks again for your helpful post... Good luck and peace in your continuing journey. XOXO