A critical point in early sobriety
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Join Date: Oct 2011
Location: Rocky Mountains, USA
Posts: 344
A critical point in early sobriety
It's Day 32 for me, a place I've been before -- and I remember now that this is when my initial feelings of strength and success run into anger. I'm angry about the awful stuff that AH has done over the years, and I do mean awful.
We never addressed it together, and I didn't address it alone because we'd typically get into a drunken row that just made me feel worse and like everything was my fault anyway. So I drank more, ad nauseum.
This time, I'm going to face it and feel it. Maybe not do or say anything about it right now, but just give myself some credit for finally getting justifiably angry about it. I've come to understand that there is no relief, no margin in going to him about it. He won't see it or care about it or care about what's happened to me.
For the first time, I feel like that is OK.
I don't need him to validate me.
And I don't need drink to run away from it.
Right now, I'm just observing and watching. What I observe, I know is true for me. In the past, I'd see something that just wasn't right (or something terribly wrong), and I'd immediately go to him and start talking in the hope that he would agree and validate my point of view. Of course, I'd get the opposite: he would call me crazy, get defensive and accuse me of attacking him. The more I'd try to explain, the wilder he got. Ultimately, I would just say "Just forget it. I'm sorry I said anything." He would smugly feel vindicated that I am crazy and make no sense.
It made me feel like drinking more to try to make myself and my world disappear. That led to feeling like I was "bad" enough to deserve being ignored or hated. Pretty soon, I hated me, too.
What's different today is I'm just staying in the center of my (sober) self, and giving myself credit for what I see and hear. I have finally learned that it does no good to talk to him about any of it -- and I can check myself and my own defenses to determine if I'm being fair or seeing things accurately. To go to him with it is a guarantee of some kind of psychological punishment.
I haven't decided what to do about the marriage, except for now to keep observing and truly seeing what's going on now that I'm not drinking. I feel like I haven't had a very clear understanding of what's been happening for all the years I just drank it all away.
Anyway, all of this is to say I feel like I've finally learned something, and am finally ready to face the clear truth about myself and about the marriage. MOSTLY thanks to all of you here at SR, and all the brave stories here, and all the very very kind and supportive people on this site.
Thanks for listening, again.
We never addressed it together, and I didn't address it alone because we'd typically get into a drunken row that just made me feel worse and like everything was my fault anyway. So I drank more, ad nauseum.
This time, I'm going to face it and feel it. Maybe not do or say anything about it right now, but just give myself some credit for finally getting justifiably angry about it. I've come to understand that there is no relief, no margin in going to him about it. He won't see it or care about it or care about what's happened to me.
For the first time, I feel like that is OK.
I don't need him to validate me.
And I don't need drink to run away from it.
Right now, I'm just observing and watching. What I observe, I know is true for me. In the past, I'd see something that just wasn't right (or something terribly wrong), and I'd immediately go to him and start talking in the hope that he would agree and validate my point of view. Of course, I'd get the opposite: he would call me crazy, get defensive and accuse me of attacking him. The more I'd try to explain, the wilder he got. Ultimately, I would just say "Just forget it. I'm sorry I said anything." He would smugly feel vindicated that I am crazy and make no sense.
It made me feel like drinking more to try to make myself and my world disappear. That led to feeling like I was "bad" enough to deserve being ignored or hated. Pretty soon, I hated me, too.
What's different today is I'm just staying in the center of my (sober) self, and giving myself credit for what I see and hear. I have finally learned that it does no good to talk to him about any of it -- and I can check myself and my own defenses to determine if I'm being fair or seeing things accurately. To go to him with it is a guarantee of some kind of psychological punishment.
I haven't decided what to do about the marriage, except for now to keep observing and truly seeing what's going on now that I'm not drinking. I feel like I haven't had a very clear understanding of what's been happening for all the years I just drank it all away.
Anyway, all of this is to say I feel like I've finally learned something, and am finally ready to face the clear truth about myself and about the marriage. MOSTLY thanks to all of you here at SR, and all the brave stories here, and all the very very kind and supportive people on this site.
Thanks for listening, again.
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Join Date: Aug 2003
Location: Dancing in the Light
Posts: 61,509
It's surprising and sometimes sad, when we see things the way they really are, without benefit of alcohol. But, even so, it's far better to see things from a place of strength and peace, which is what you're developing. 
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