DisplacedGRITS

Whooboy. I've been a grab bag of emotions last few days. Tonight rage came into the picture and i do not like it. My desire for instant gratification is apparently as strong as ever and when the alcoholic in me doesn't get what she wants, she rages and it's having a negative effect on me. I am a walking bomb and my fuse is short. My husband has been home for 45 minutes and i've blown up at him a couple of times already. Nothing major and he is aware that my mood is less than stable today and knows to give me my space. I guess we can't expect every day to be lollipops and rose petals but i feel ashamed knowing the source of this rage. Today my sobriety has been put to the test harder than it has been in about 3 months. Today was a close one. Closer than i care to admit. I'm looking up meetings for tonight. If not tonight then tomorrow morning for sure. I'm just so effing mad that i'm not over this need for instant gratification. Do we ever get over it? Does it get better or are we forever children screaming that we want what we want and we want it NOW! Since i can't have alcohol i want the other things in my life and i want them NOW! I'm sober, damnit. I'm doing it. I don't want a tickertape parade. The few things i ask for are not more than anyone else would ask for. But the alcoholic in me wants them now! Patience isn't my strong suite. I'm trying but today....was not good.

Dee74

Patience wasn't my forte either DG - but I worked at it...and as I got better at being patient, my irritatibility got better, & my rages got less...

Everyones a work in progress - alcoholic or not

Try to do better for sure - but try not to be too hard on yourself too

D

wow04

Oh the emotions!! They can be tough. You said you were looking for a meeting. Do you have any numbers you can call?

The only way my emotions got better is through the 12 steps. It isn't that they got better, I learned how to handle them.

Hang in there and remember you don't have to drink!

Innerchild

DG on same wavelength my rage is in full force tonight I need a punching bad and I want to scream at the top of my lungs. I feel you there I do.

Innerchild

ps... going through the 12 steps donest work over night so what do you do in the meantime

Anna

Patience is one of the hard-earned lessons in recovery.

I think it's essential to develop patience and I know I sure wasn't good at it. Take a few deep breaths, walk around the block and hopefully you'll feel better.

DisplacedGRITS

I've got a When and Where, wow. Probably going to a 10 AM meeting tomorrow unless i blow up again tonight.

I hear ya Innerchild. Right now i am prepping dinner and counting all the things i have to be grateful for. My husband loves me, i have a nice place to live, i and my family (pets too) are healthy, my car runs fine, the weather is nice, i am sober, i am sober, i am sober and i really am happy that i am. Nothing was there to stop me from buying that drink. Nothing was there to stop me from drinking that drink. Nothing but me and i did and i am proud of that. My sobriety is one of the few things i feel like i'm doing right and i cling to it. I think that's part of why i got so angry today. It was jeopardized and that rocked the foundations of the only thing i like about myself right now.

AB1111

Wow! I'm really impressed with you voicing your rage. When I get that point it's usually too late because I have already done something terrible. Thanks for showing me another way.

CaiHong

Displacedgrits,
You are handling it fine. Yes the rage. I am quite surprised when it pops up suddenly.
It will become less frequent believe me.
Love
CaiHong

Seo

Im really pleased you were able to voice that rage and give it space and a place. Im also happy that I was here to hear it. Maybe exploring how to channel it is a good idea. For me its writing and peaceful ways. I love sitting in a quiet place until reason returns. Some people go jogging or have a punchbag.

I remember after having a very heavy session which was probably the most enjoyable one Ive ever had (and theres been many) I had a dream where a vampire came screaming at me and begging me to help. She didnt want me to drink but she wanted healing.

That was one of the most profound spiritual moments Ive ever had.

DoinThis

I feel your pain DG, I had a day exactly like that, on my 2 month anniversary

jennikate

Hi DG,

I often suffer from rages-little things tend to get under my skin easily. Last time that I was having lots of anger, i realized that I had been to less than usual meetings. I upped my attendance and felt better almost right away. That being said, this is part of my personality that has been present before drinking and I'm sure will continue in some form now that i'm not drinking. It's something I'm going to have to learn to deal with constructively.

doggonecarl

I think recognition is key. If you know it's a problem you can address it. Does it go away? That I don't know. There are certain aspects of me as a person that aren't going away. But patience, and any of the other factors that will keep us strong in our recovery--humbleness, gratitude, stress and anger management--are learned habits. Learn them, apply them, stay sober.

Hang in there!

aeo1313

I too, can have awful rage. It is the worst feeling and after I feel so guilty. Good job coming here and posting about it. That always seems to help me. How are you doing today?

DisplacedGRITS

Today is much better. I'm going to finish up my resume and fill out another application so i can throw out a few more lines into the water. It makes me feel better to be doing something towards getting a job. My husband was very understanding about my attitude yesterday. He took off on a bike ride and let me get dinner going so i could have some solitude. It's great. We don't play games with each other. After writing everything down and thinking it out, i considered this: i am going to treat this situation now as if i'd never applied there. I cannot change anything about the situation so now i must move forward and not worry about what has been done. For me, i have to lie to myself a little and say "interview? What interview?" To get my focuse off it. Otherwise i'll continue to worry on it like a dog with a bone. Thans everyone for the support and insight. I have no idea what i'd do without y'all!

SmittyBittyBoo

I was very short tempered yesterday. I'm glad to hear that it's normal (?). I'm only on day 4.

It helps for me to hear the honesty because it shows me I'm not alone and if others can work through it-so can I!

mecanix

I find very powerful singing helps , shouting even .. sometimes along with some extreemly loud heavy metal or blues . Something shouty and sweary can really help get your angries out .

M

DisplacedGRITS

Again i find myself on the knife's edge. I've been out with my husband and fine that i'm about to snap his head off again. He keeps saying "yes" or nodding to what i say then i have to repeat myself because he's obviously not listening. Again and again....i'm short with him now and trying not to explode but i'm tight as a bowstring. About to have dinner but i needed to post here to get some of it out. I will stay calm. I will stay....calm.

aeo1313

Keep posting. It does help to get it out. How did dinner go?

freshstart57

It helps me to know that I am not my feelings. They come and go, and I watch them. I can't fight them, I can't control them, they are real and they are mine, but they are not me. So I watch them. They blow in, swirl around for a while, bang a few windows, and then they are gone.