Innerchild

I hear the same trite expressions, pour pour me another drink, stop being a baby blah blah blah. I am venting. It pisses me off I hear it one more time I am gonna freak. Oh, because I dont feel 100% and dont know how to completely give myself over to God I am not ready or dont get the process. So sorry I am not the perfect alcoholic yet.

****, you must change everything about your life on one hand on another dont change anything at all get a plant! Well, I had to move, change friends and change my life and I cant feel miserable about it even without picking up a drink? I go meetings, I pray read the BB but still feel miserable. I dont see or feel the changes I hear about in AA. Does anyone with sobriety remember how hard it is to crave a drink and deal with emotions without picking up? Reach out call people I hear but when I do I hear about giving my life over to God and I am throwing a tantrum and all the ****. Well, I am in AA but my life is still unmanageable without the drink. I am so sorry that I have3 no idea how to give up my life for GOD and thats whats expected in AA even if its not about God it really is. NOt that I care but I guess I dont get it.

Anna

Hi,

I've been sober for years and I have never forgotten how I felt when I first stopped drinking. Could it be that you are listening to too many people and not listening to your own soul? I am not an AA person, but I sure do remember struggling to find my way. One thing I knew for sure was that I had to reconnect with my spiritual self. I had lost my way and I needed to know that there was a purpose for me to be on this earth.

Innerchild

People in AA are helping me out but I am told to give my self will over to God. I would love to have a conversation with someone who just gets how much early sobriety can suck without the mention of God. NO offense to Him. all AA I just want a friend I can talk to not sprout off AA and BB stuff all the time. I am going to a meeting tonight but uts frustrating me. Thats why I like to stay in my own head.

Zee

Thats exactly whats keeping me from AA. I want to meet sober people but:
I find the whole concept of God/HP/Spiritualism/praying/meditation uncomprehendable to my personality and perception of life.
I nearly died last year but I did not have an epiphany. Was I meant to?
I just don't get it.

Stevie1

((Innerchild))

I'm doing AA but without the concept of God. I'm using some vague.till-evolving notion of my own spirituality, plus the concept of fellowship/collective will (sort of like a trade union!) as my HP. I will not and cannot ever regard God as some benevolent man in the sky who cares about my personal problems.

It took a lot of mental wrangling though, as a dyed-in-the-wool aetheist for decades.

I wish you felt better. It sucks to be a newbie to sobriety; I'm here yet again....

Innerchild

I believe in meditation and having a higher power but I just want to speak to a person someone not a book

RobbyRobot

Perhaps you're struggling more with the ideal concept of spirituallity itself, and less then with God or otherwise an HP. Sometimes we can become so conflicted, that our minds just won't tolerate being open, so we of course, shut things down, and off, so as to give ourselves a break.

I don't forget what it is like to be a newcomer, speaking for myself. As a matter of fact, even with many years of living a recovered life, I learn daily almost just how little I really know.

I hope you in good time realise a better understanding of your conflicts with sober living, Innerchild, then the ones you're struggling with presently. Change is always accomplished with some pains, I have learned.

Innerchild

Stevie, if I said that in AA or my sponsor they wouldnt be there. People in AA are there when you believe what they believe if you fight it they will tell you to talk to them when you are ready to "get it"

aasharon90

I very well remember what it was like to
be a newcomer 21 yrs ago. It was not by
choice to enter recovery on my own and
infact had no idea or thoughts about what
recovery was about till family intervene on
me sending me to rehab via the backseat of
a police car. Boy was I fumming and very
pizzed at what they did to me.

While in rehab I was told Id not stay sober
if i left at 2 weeks to go home, so they wanted
to ship me off to a halfway house for 6 weeks
or months....i dont remember. I begged to
stay where I was and completed 28 days with
a 6 week outpatiant aftercare program attached.

Somewhere's in there I chose to stay with my
recovery listening, absorbing and holding on
to dear life to stay with my little family and
2 small kids.

When I went to meetings i didnt like or understand
all that others shared because I didnt comprehend
the program fully. So I took what I like hearing and
went home to raise my kids and live life.

I am one of those who doesnt like people, esp. those
with authority telling me what to do, so in wanting
to work my program at my own pace and my way,
im sure i hit many many bumps in the road, clashed
with family members etc.

Over the yrs, i knew i was restless, irritable and
discontent in my marriage, life, but continued to
work my recovery to the best of my ability. My way.

Im not one who likes to throw religion around because
it is a personal choice and is private and normally shy
away from conversations with it.

Whatever you chose or whoever you chose to be your
guiding light for strength and guidance in ur own recovery
is for you to decide on and no one elses.

I still vividly remember being a newcomer as if it were
yesterday and I by no means am above anyone in recovery.
I will gladly walk beside you or anyone on this recovery
journey together.

RobbyRobot

Hmmm. I'm AA, and I don't talk that way. And nor do many other AA's.

Opivotal

I think the epiphany, at least for me, came from within. The longer I was sober, the more I connected with my heart and soul. Not to sound corny, but I didn't know who I was anymore. It's been... and still is a journey for me.

No, I will NEVER forget where I was and the struggle I endured to get sober. I will, however, be grateful every day for the lessons I learned along the way.

It's your journey Innerchild...listen to your heart. No one is a perfect alcoholic. No one has all the answers. No one can be you...you're special, unique.


Best Wishes To You!

DisplacedGRITS

I like reading the newbie threads because they remind me where ibwas in my first couple of weeks of sobriety. Crawling out from under my blanket to peek out at the world. Scared, nervous, scared, excited, scared, confused, scared, lost, scared, scared, scared...how do i give my life over to something i don't believe in? I gave my compulsion over to itself. It's it's own entity, apart from my physical body. I acknowledge it's existence and that it has some sway over my feelings and my attitude but i don't have to let it move my legs to the liquor store or my hands to my wallet. It doesn't move my mouth to say hurtful things or order a drink. It's there but it's no longer in the driver's seat. It can be a noisy passenger but i'll be damned if i ever give it the wheel again. My addiction is it's own problem now, not mine. I've come to have a relationship with a Higher Power because i believe it is my HP that has given me the clarity an insight to define my relationship with my addiction in that way. I don't know how i could have come to it on my own. But it was by listening to those around me and reading posts on SR that i've found some of that insight so i suppose some of my HP is the fellowship of the recovery community. There is a Power here. If there wasn't, why would we all keep coming back to these forums after gaining some strong toehold in sobriety?

Lost3000

Wow, so sorry you are having that experience. It's not mine at all in AA. There are agnostics, atheists, Jews, Christians, Buddhists in my meetings. Some talk about God, but mostly we talk about what it's like being sober now, what it was like, tricks of the trade, and what's going on with our day to day lives.

If I were you I'd try another meeting elsewhere.

And something I've been doing for awhile now, is do something different! If you are doing the same thing every day, do something different. Join a book club (my personal favorite), take up a new hobby (did you know Hobby Lobby has free classes? So does Lowes and Home Depot!).

I hope you feel better soon. I personally dislike all the God talk, but I try to concentrate on what else is coming from the person, try to see it from some other angle.

Oh and my higher power? Call it the force. A river of types. Basically, I believe something else stronger than me created this world. And it/life is like a river, you can either go with the flow or work against it.

Stevie1

I dunno...I have heard similar sentiments expressed in AA to what I posted. And my sponsor is 17 years sober and does NOT believe in "A God," nor is she religious at all. That she's made it work for so long (she IS a self-described Big Book Thumper) inspires me.

I agree that is not the majority view by a long shot! Maybe just relax on the whole notion of finding your HP, for now, as Robby suggested? And go with the flow...I think that's also the basic message conveyed in the aetheists chapter of the BB, too. Don't fight it too hard.

Innerchild

You know what if I say I want a drink I am not working the program? No one craved a drink in the beginning or does God instantly take that away bc I have done the first three steps and sometimes not often the alcoholic voice inside tells me a nice cold beer would be great right now.

Innerchild

I am not putting down anyone in AA most of the people I have met are kind compassionate and supportive but I am just tired of hearing about God or the BB all the time not talking to a real human being if you get what I mean.

Innerchild

I am really debating whether or not I want to go to this BB meeting tonight LOL

DisplacedGRITS

I wanted a drink last drink. What was important was that i wanted to not drink more. So i'm still a member of AA. My desire not to drink is sincere. God did not take away my desire to drink. The fellowship of AA and SR has reminded me why i don't need to drink and helped me remind myself why i don't want to.

Stevie1

I know I sort of mentally drift out when there's too much God-talk; I sort of let it wash over my head but it doesn't bother me at all. Just that everyone expresses it and deals differently.

Are you saying you wish you had more personal connections with the AA group? I don't know about where you are, but where I am there's quite a few AA summer-social gatherings going on - a canoe trip, a couple of BBQs, pot lucks, stuff like that. Perhaps something to consider, if available?

sugarbear1

In 25 years of AA, my "sponsors" told me to take my time, there was no rush....with the steps.

This time in, I was at day 12, wanted to drink so bad it wasn't funny, heard a woman's story and ran to her. On days 14 and 15 she took me through the steps and I did have a spiritual awakening/experience. It is what saved my life.

Not everyone knows how to do this. I've found that out. My friend I used to hang out with 18 years ago is just coming up on 3 months now.

This disease, what we have to do, it's all different. There doesn't seem to be a rhyme nor reason for it all.

I just had a call, another friend who's been around for years and who did work through the steps is on her way to detox in the hospital.

I don't understand what it takes. I don't understand life. Nothing makes sense. I knew pain and heartbreak. I knew negativity. I still know these things, but I am somehow a little tiny bit different. And now I'm working with control freaks.....I am honestly not thrilled about anything but being able to go to work, force myself to be awake, and make it through each day without falling asleep. Not the ultimate employment for me.... (venting here)

I do remember what it's like to be in your place, but honestly, I don't know what anyone could have said to make me change.

I hear your pain. Vent, talk it out. I don't know what to say, just talk and talk....

For me, I literally ran out of money, had no job, have no vehicle, and was considering going to the pawn shop to obtain money to drink with. Somehow, I just kept going to meetings. And no, those people didn't make me feel at home or comfortable or reach out to me.... I just kept going.

Thanks to Apryl, my life was saved.

Innerchild, I hear you loud and clear, but I don't know how to help ya. I'm not helping you here, I'm at a loss.

In my months online in SR (okay, it was years, but I didn't type until after I had a month of sobriety and got internet service, yeah, I had no internet, no tv, utility shut off notices....life was horrendous a year+ ago), I know I do care about a person who uses the alias Innerchild on here.

I care. What can I do to help you? Can I do anything to help out?