Boundaries, trusting myself and triggery people
I Love Who I Am
Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2009
Location: Midwest
Posts: 3,210
Boundaries, trusting myself and triggery people
Hi Guys, I"m looking for ESH stories about how you determine how healthy you are
I have an opportunity to help someone write a book that I think will not only be an easy sell, but could make us both some money. Possibly a good deal of money.
The story also is in alignment with my core values, is work I am already involved in and pretty much sums up all I'm trying to do. It will help her immensely, as well as help other women in her situation.
Thing is, I know I'll need very clear, firm boundaries with her. I am leery because I've already had to be firm, but it makes me uncomfortable and I usually run from folks like this.
I've seen collegues do this, handle it carefully, and actually have a mentor that can assist me and has offered because he also thinks her story needs to get out.
I need to tell her I will not be her friend, but rather her editor/publisher. Limit the time I spend with her, keep her focused.
She's in constant chaos and i can tell she'll take every minute of my time and energy I will give her.
I feel like I"m able to be more proactive, have clearer boundaries and not go crazy because she is, but just can't tell for sure right now.
I am at a cross road with the end of my marriage and leaving my business, so I need to make money and think this is a great opportunity, seriously.
Thanks for reading. Love to hear how you've handled dealing with triggery people.
I have an opportunity to help someone write a book that I think will not only be an easy sell, but could make us both some money. Possibly a good deal of money.
The story also is in alignment with my core values, is work I am already involved in and pretty much sums up all I'm trying to do. It will help her immensely, as well as help other women in her situation.
Thing is, I know I'll need very clear, firm boundaries with her. I am leery because I've already had to be firm, but it makes me uncomfortable and I usually run from folks like this.
I've seen collegues do this, handle it carefully, and actually have a mentor that can assist me and has offered because he also thinks her story needs to get out.
I need to tell her I will not be her friend, but rather her editor/publisher. Limit the time I spend with her, keep her focused.
She's in constant chaos and i can tell she'll take every minute of my time and energy I will give her.
I feel like I"m able to be more proactive, have clearer boundaries and not go crazy because she is, but just can't tell for sure right now.
I am at a cross road with the end of my marriage and leaving my business, so I need to make money and think this is a great opportunity, seriously.
Thanks for reading. Love to hear how you've handled dealing with triggery people.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2011
Location: Right here, right now!
Posts: 3,424
I have a client that she brings a timer in to the meeting that we have and it is set to go off 10 minutes before the meeting is to end.
It helps us both keep on track, and we both are aware when she comes how much time is entered.
It has worked so well that I have used it in other situations too (practice groups where we need to stay on task, but also get to know each other).
It helps us both keep on track, and we both are aware when she comes how much time is entered.
It has worked so well that I have used it in other situations too (practice groups where we need to stay on task, but also get to know each other).
Member
Join Date: Nov 2007
Posts: 1,294
If you really think you could make a good amount of money and this project has potential, you could invest in the first session or few sessions that you meet with her by hiring a professional meeting moderator. They will steer the agenda of the meeting, helping you to focus and stay on target and use the meeting time most efficiently. Could be well worth a session or two of payment to get things started out correctly.
My experience has been that whenever I sense a personal black hole of mine, I start to think about bringing in a professional, neutral, third (all THREE of those) party to facilitate, at least at first. That way I cannot create my own train wrecks!
CLMI
My experience has been that whenever I sense a personal black hole of mine, I start to think about bringing in a professional, neutral, third (all THREE of those) party to facilitate, at least at first. That way I cannot create my own train wrecks!
CLMI
Member
Join Date: Feb 2010
Posts: 1,292
A potential or not, I would not get into business with anyone who is "crazy".
But even if you're doing business with people who do seem ok enough to do business with, you need to put things in writing, be professional and be firm.
You don't have to tell her verbally you can't be her friend, you just take the actions not to.
Focus on being around healthier people and getting a job that is more than a "potential"
But even if you're doing business with people who do seem ok enough to do business with, you need to put things in writing, be professional and be firm.
You don't have to tell her verbally you can't be her friend, you just take the actions not to.
Focus on being around healthier people and getting a job that is more than a "potential"
I Love Who I Am
Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2009
Location: Midwest
Posts: 3,210
Thank you everyone.
I'm headed out to meet with her, attend the court hearing at 1:30.
I think I"m doubting myself. I know what to do, know how to handle this situation with contracts, boundaries and clear communication, but I'm afraid I'll screw it up and screw myself by not having firm boundaries with this woman.
I should be so excited and happy right now, why am I scared? This is a no brainer. It's what I've been calling to myself now for years. Writing this book about this persons experience. It's an easy sell, she's articulate and presents well and the media will go into a feeding frenzy because it's so sensational and horrific.
To answer L2L's question: Her experience (that we'll be writing about) has been horrific and she has serious PTSD from it.
I also have PTSD and can be triggered by her story, her symptoms, her behavior. That is if I don't have the firm boundaries in place.
In theory, writing the book will give me the resources to afford to do EMDR ( a treatment for PTSD) and take that final step towards healing myself. It will give her more money as well, but that's not my business what she does with it.
I can put safegaurds in place until the money comes like go to meetings, finally get a damn sponsor etc.
I realized I've got ALL sorts of issues with myself, probably because of the stupidity I've been experiencing with AH lately.
I think it was English Gardens who recently posted a list of things that relapsed codies experience and I had about 9/10ths of the symptoms. I"ll find them and post them again at the bottom, just because every person here should read it. And I know what you need; I'm codependent. LOL
Actually, jokes aside, I know what I need, and I need treatment again obviously, or start going to meetings again. Sure wouldn't hurt.
Here's that list, was an eye opener for me, that's for sure.
I'm headed out to meet with her, attend the court hearing at 1:30.
I think I"m doubting myself. I know what to do, know how to handle this situation with contracts, boundaries and clear communication, but I'm afraid I'll screw it up and screw myself by not having firm boundaries with this woman.
I should be so excited and happy right now, why am I scared? This is a no brainer. It's what I've been calling to myself now for years. Writing this book about this persons experience. It's an easy sell, she's articulate and presents well and the media will go into a feeding frenzy because it's so sensational and horrific.
To answer L2L's question: Her experience (that we'll be writing about) has been horrific and she has serious PTSD from it.
I also have PTSD and can be triggered by her story, her symptoms, her behavior. That is if I don't have the firm boundaries in place.
In theory, writing the book will give me the resources to afford to do EMDR ( a treatment for PTSD) and take that final step towards healing myself. It will give her more money as well, but that's not my business what she does with it.
I can put safegaurds in place until the money comes like go to meetings, finally get a damn sponsor etc.
I realized I've got ALL sorts of issues with myself, probably because of the stupidity I've been experiencing with AH lately.
I think it was English Gardens who recently posted a list of things that relapsed codies experience and I had about 9/10ths of the symptoms. I"ll find them and post them again at the bottom, just because every person here should read it. And I know what you need; I'm codependent. LOL
Actually, jokes aside, I know what I need, and I need treatment again obviously, or start going to meetings again. Sure wouldn't hurt.
Here's that list, was an eye opener for me, that's for sure.
Some symptoms of untreated or relapse codependency:
--I judge everything I think, say or do harshly, as never "good enough".
--I value others' approval of my thinking, feelings and behaviors over my own.
--I have an overdeveloped sense of responsibility and it is easier for me to be concerned with others than myself.
--I blame myself for everything.
--I pick on myself for everything, including the way I think, feel, look, act and behave.
--I have been a victim of sexual, physical, or emotional abuse, neglect, abandonment, or addiction.
--I am afraid of making mistakes.
--I have a lot of "shoulds."
--I feel a lot of guilt.
--I feel ashamed of who I am.
--I feel terribly anxious about problems and people.
--I lose sleep over problems and other people's behavior.
--I have lived through events with people who were out of control.
--I don't feel peaceful with myself.
--I often seek love from people incapable of loving.
--I say everything is my fault.
--I have a difficult time asserting my rights.
--I talk in self-degrading ways.
--I trust untrustworthy people.
--I am frightened of other people's anger.
--I do not seek help because I tell myself the problem isn't bad enough or I am not important enough.
--I judge everything I think, say or do harshly, as never "good enough".
--I value others' approval of my thinking, feelings and behaviors over my own.
--I have an overdeveloped sense of responsibility and it is easier for me to be concerned with others than myself.
--I blame myself for everything.
--I pick on myself for everything, including the way I think, feel, look, act and behave.
--I have been a victim of sexual, physical, or emotional abuse, neglect, abandonment, or addiction.
--I am afraid of making mistakes.
--I have a lot of "shoulds."
--I feel a lot of guilt.
--I feel ashamed of who I am.
--I feel terribly anxious about problems and people.
--I lose sleep over problems and other people's behavior.
--I have lived through events with people who were out of control.
--I don't feel peaceful with myself.
--I often seek love from people incapable of loving.
--I say everything is my fault.
--I have a difficult time asserting my rights.
--I talk in self-degrading ways.
--I trust untrustworthy people.
--I am frightened of other people's anger.
--I do not seek help because I tell myself the problem isn't bad enough or I am not important enough.
To thine own self be true.
Join Date: May 2009
Location: U.S.A.
Posts: 5,924
I think I understand. Do you mean that this person and the topic you would be working on are your triggers? It is so good that you can identify those. I think half my life I walked around unaware of my own triggers, just getting triggered and reacting to those triggers, sending me into an emotional tizzy, destroying my life over what other people do or say. Then would spend the next year of my life trying to climb out from the hole I dug for myself. In drug and alcohol Recovery they teach you to avoid your triggers, People, Places and Things that trigger you. Counselors can also help you reframe your triggers so that you have a new understanding and hopefully reaction to those triggers. Proper medication for any underlying illness has also helped me. I've also worked hard to change my thinking and perceptions of others and what is happening around me; I expanded what I accept in to my self as "Truth." I avoid alcohol or substances. These are the tools that have worked for me. Maybe you would find some benefit in handling your triggers from attending a 12-step program (not sure if you are or not). Good luck with your triggers and this new endeavor.
Guest
Join Date: May 2008
Posts: 1,049
Hey Transform. I don't mean to discourage you in any way, but writing a book is often several years in the making. Getting it published is not a given. I just say this to you because you have mentioned your need for money immediately in order to move forward. Unless, you mean to be writing a book in addition to employment.
Living in a Pinkful Place
Join Date: May 2006
Location: Louisiana
Posts: 7,545
Sounds to me like you have been presented with an "AFGO" <-another fricking growth opportunity ~ which usually works out to be a great thing ~
My HP brings things into my life that stretch me to grow in my recovery walk, to heal me and to allow me to better myself ~
You have said these are areas you would like to work on ~ ta da ~ the opportunity presents itself to do the work ~
You are a strong, wise, gifted woman ~ You have been living with the active disease for many years ~ you can handle the boundaries, setting the limits and keeping the professional lines clear cut ~
This is your field of expertise ~ go & shine!
Wishing you the very best!
PINK HUGS,
Rita
My HP brings things into my life that stretch me to grow in my recovery walk, to heal me and to allow me to better myself ~
You have said these are areas you would like to work on ~ ta da ~ the opportunity presents itself to do the work ~
You are a strong, wise, gifted woman ~ You have been living with the active disease for many years ~ you can handle the boundaries, setting the limits and keeping the professional lines clear cut ~
This is your field of expertise ~ go & shine!
Wishing you the very best!
PINK HUGS,
Rita
Member
Join Date: Jul 2010
Posts: 602
Dear transform myself,
How to know whether a project is a good idea? A little trepidation is fine for something new, but the plan ought to be realistic and in line with your values. Something that makes you feel reasonably excited, not filled with dread. You seem to be terribly anxious about this project, and no wonder. I will be tiresomely forthright with you here, and tell you I don't see this ending well, for three main reasons:
1. Money: No book is an easy sell. That's not me being discouraging, that's the truth. If an agent actually said that to you, then the agent is a scammer. The books that actually make good money for their authors are the exceptions that prove the rule. I say this as someone who has sold one novel and a small amount of articles, and who knows many full-time writers. A successful book will maybe make you a few thousand dollars for a few years' work, which isn't good money at all.
I don't say this to discourage you at all. I think it's still worth writing a book if the project is right, just for the experience of it. But to start planning what you'll do with all this money--before you've even started the manuscript--isn't realistic.
2. Collaboration: You can't collaborate with someone who is too chaotic to function.
3. Ethics: Let's say you're right and there is potential for a sensational book. If she's too chaotic to function, if she's deep in trauma, is she able to give informed consent for you to "tell her story" and profit from it? Is it all right for you to subject a vulnerable person to a media "feeding frenzy" so you can earn money?
How to know whether a project is a good idea? A little trepidation is fine for something new, but the plan ought to be realistic and in line with your values. Something that makes you feel reasonably excited, not filled with dread. You seem to be terribly anxious about this project, and no wonder. I will be tiresomely forthright with you here, and tell you I don't see this ending well, for three main reasons:
1. Money: No book is an easy sell. That's not me being discouraging, that's the truth. If an agent actually said that to you, then the agent is a scammer. The books that actually make good money for their authors are the exceptions that prove the rule. I say this as someone who has sold one novel and a small amount of articles, and who knows many full-time writers. A successful book will maybe make you a few thousand dollars for a few years' work, which isn't good money at all.
I don't say this to discourage you at all. I think it's still worth writing a book if the project is right, just for the experience of it. But to start planning what you'll do with all this money--before you've even started the manuscript--isn't realistic.
2. Collaboration: You can't collaborate with someone who is too chaotic to function.
3. Ethics: Let's say you're right and there is potential for a sensational book. If she's too chaotic to function, if she's deep in trauma, is she able to give informed consent for you to "tell her story" and profit from it? Is it all right for you to subject a vulnerable person to a media "feeding frenzy" so you can earn money?
I Love Who I Am
Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2009
Location: Midwest
Posts: 3,210
Thanks for the feedback everyone.
To address your concerns:
-I have some immediate work that will give me money ASAP. I'm self employed again and this won't be my only project. I'll have to keep the work rolling in.
-I own a newspaper and publish regularly and am aware of and qualified to take on this project; am fully aware of what it takes to publish a book.
I met with her today and am relieved that my initial impression of her (on phone) was different than what I experienced today. I've been talking to her for about four months, intermittently, by phone only.
Today she was only respectful, focused and intelligent. I gave her some very quick coaching and sound bites for the reporters who attended the court hearing and she presented it SO well.
I think I react with fear to just about every situation, and don't trust myself with regard to business decisions. That much is clear. After meeting her, conducting research on the case and spending several hours with her after, I'm happy I was cautious but also happy to move forward
I also feel really good about the boundaries we've established. She is clearly being as careful as I am. It's a bit easier for her because I am known in this industry. Sort of the go to person for this kind of thing. That's why she reached out to me. I am a regional and national expert on this issue, and her story, amazingly, covers all the basis for what I'm looking to do. It's amazing.
I'm taking on the project and feel like I"m doing so with my eyes wide open. We're writing up an agreement in advance. I won't just be writing a book, but managing the media and promoting this issue state and nation wide, again, something I am uniquely qualified to do.
I was honest with her about the level of professionalism I expect, and she understood and wants the same. I found out she ran a company I had some dealings with, and the people who worked for her were happy, which tells me a great deal.
So, carefully we trod. I know I'll be triggered along the way--simply because this story is so horrific but you know what? It's happening everywhere across the country and this story has the potential to be the catalyst to put and end to it.
I know I'm being very vague and apologize but you guys will be the first to know when the story breaks nationally, if I can get us there..
Thank you!
To address your concerns:
-I have some immediate work that will give me money ASAP. I'm self employed again and this won't be my only project. I'll have to keep the work rolling in.
-I own a newspaper and publish regularly and am aware of and qualified to take on this project; am fully aware of what it takes to publish a book.
I met with her today and am relieved that my initial impression of her (on phone) was different than what I experienced today. I've been talking to her for about four months, intermittently, by phone only.
Today she was only respectful, focused and intelligent. I gave her some very quick coaching and sound bites for the reporters who attended the court hearing and she presented it SO well.
I think I react with fear to just about every situation, and don't trust myself with regard to business decisions. That much is clear. After meeting her, conducting research on the case and spending several hours with her after, I'm happy I was cautious but also happy to move forward
I also feel really good about the boundaries we've established. She is clearly being as careful as I am. It's a bit easier for her because I am known in this industry. Sort of the go to person for this kind of thing. That's why she reached out to me. I am a regional and national expert on this issue, and her story, amazingly, covers all the basis for what I'm looking to do. It's amazing.
I'm taking on the project and feel like I"m doing so with my eyes wide open. We're writing up an agreement in advance. I won't just be writing a book, but managing the media and promoting this issue state and nation wide, again, something I am uniquely qualified to do.
I was honest with her about the level of professionalism I expect, and she understood and wants the same. I found out she ran a company I had some dealings with, and the people who worked for her were happy, which tells me a great deal.
So, carefully we trod. I know I'll be triggered along the way--simply because this story is so horrific but you know what? It's happening everywhere across the country and this story has the potential to be the catalyst to put and end to it.
I know I'm being very vague and apologize but you guys will be the first to know when the story breaks nationally, if I can get us there..
Thank you!
Member
Join Date: Nov 2009
Location: Waterford MI
Posts: 4,202
So, carefully we trod. I know I'll be triggered along the way--simply because this story is so horrific but you know what? It's happening everywhere across the country and this story has the potential to be the catalyst to put an end to it.
Seriously, I live for minor grammar (or is that grammatical?) errors and I can spot a spelling mistake at 50 paces.
:rotfxko
Also, I am a good person to have around when triggers are being pulled. If they are not my triggers, I can handle it and calm people down. I have not been clinically trained, sort of grown up with it all my life.
I would love to help. As far as triggery people, I believe you are learning and getting better everyday. You recognize the problem. This is huge. After that, it is just trying different ways until you hit on "the" way.
I believe in you. I believe you will do this.
:ghug3
Beth
I Love Who I Am
Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2009
Location: Midwest
Posts: 3,210
Oh Wicked you are a wonderful support when others are triggered (by others I mean me LOL). I know you've helped me at times very much. You're supporting, you understand triggers and know just the right things to say.
Thank you so much. I'll put you on the "send manuscript to these people to read" list for the long term, and keep you in mind for the short term too for whatever may come up.
Thank you so much. I'll put you on the "send manuscript to these people to read" list for the long term, and keep you in mind for the short term too for whatever may come up.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2009
Location: Waterford MI
Posts: 4,202
Originally Posted by transformyself 
Oh Wicked you are a wonderful support when others are triggered (by others I mean me LOL). I know you've helped me at times very much. You're supporting, you understand triggers and know just the right things to say.
Thank you so much. I'll put you on the "send manuscript to these people to read" list for the long term, and keep you in mind for the short term too for whatever may come up.
Thank you so much. I'll put you on the "send manuscript to these people to read" list for the long term, and keep you in mind for the short term too for whatever may come up.
and thank you again for keeping me in mind for whatever I can do!
I Love Who I Am
Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2009
Location: Midwest
Posts: 3,210
So after spending Thursday with my new client, I spent all day yesterday another 4 hours away on another case and I'm confident that this is the right thing for me to do.
I just have to keep myself healthy.
I just have to keep myself healthy.
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