Letting Go.
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Join Date: May 2011
Location: Memphis, TN
Posts: 2,884
Letting Go.
I thought it might be a good idea to start a thread on “Letting Go”, what it means to you and how it has helped in your recovery.
This is my experience with Letting G0.
Letting go was a big sticking point for me when I first started working my program. I thought letting go meant that anything the A did was OK and I wasn’t supposed to react. Just keep going on and trying not to let what was happening bother me.
As I worked my program Letting Go began to change. It didn’t mean that what the A did didn’t matter; it meant that I didn’t have any control over their behavior. I didn’t cause it, I can’t control it, I can’t cure it. As I accepted this I began to get my first taste of serenity. Just a little taste but boy was it great.
I then began to see Letting Go as letting go of all the hurts and grudges and anger that I had because of the wrongs my A had done to me. As long as I kept dwelling on them I was still stuck on the roller coaster. I would relive fights and incidents in my head over and over. At this point I started to get into mindfulness, which by the way is a big part of Al-Anon even though that isn’t what they call it. I began to train myself to look at when I was jumping into the hamster wheel and letting those thoughts take over my life. A simple tool I used to break this bad habit, and that’s what it was, was when I caught myself jumping onto the crazy wagon was to ask myself “Who are you talking to?”. The more I developed this habit the less I was getting caught up in the chaos in my head.
Next step was Letting Go of the future. I had no control over what was going to happen so why fuss over it. It was OK to plan for the future, to save money for retirement, to have goals, to look forward to what might happen. What wasn’t OK was getting caught up in things that hadn’t happened. Again I used pretty much the same tool. I would ask myself “What are you fussing about?”. As I did this the wheels started to turn a little slower and I was beginning to find some inner peace. I was learning to live in the moment rather than the past or the future.
As I continue with my recovery, and I now see recovery as a path not a goal, I began to apply this to other areas of my life. Areas that had nothing to do with the A. These techniques worked very well with my everyday life, turning down the volume on the noise in my head. I started to see that behaviors that I had developed to deal with the pain of living with an alcoholic had bled over into my entire life and how I dealt with everything.
So, what I am working on now is using these tools for my everyday life. Letting go of the way I think things should be and accepting them as they are. I am also working on letting go of the internal views had built up of myself. I had defined myself by the roles I thought I had to play. I had built internal views of myself that were neither helpful nor useful. I had built a collection of boxes that defined me and stuffed myself in them. Now I am in the process of simply being me without the definitions and roles and boxes. I am allowing myself, who I really am to emerge. The roles are still there, father, grandfather, friend and all the other stuff I do. The difference is these roles are now what I choose to do, not who I am.
I am also Letting Go of the roles that are no longer useful. I no longer choose to play the role of codie or doormat or the suffering husband. I am letting go to find me, the real me. I am finding my core self and I like what I am finding.
In my recovery I am finding is that what I am recovering is myself, my sanity and my serenity and Letting Go is a big part of that recovery. Life is good.
Thank you for letting me share.
Your friend,
This is my experience with Letting G0.
Letting go was a big sticking point for me when I first started working my program. I thought letting go meant that anything the A did was OK and I wasn’t supposed to react. Just keep going on and trying not to let what was happening bother me.
As I worked my program Letting Go began to change. It didn’t mean that what the A did didn’t matter; it meant that I didn’t have any control over their behavior. I didn’t cause it, I can’t control it, I can’t cure it. As I accepted this I began to get my first taste of serenity. Just a little taste but boy was it great.
I then began to see Letting Go as letting go of all the hurts and grudges and anger that I had because of the wrongs my A had done to me. As long as I kept dwelling on them I was still stuck on the roller coaster. I would relive fights and incidents in my head over and over. At this point I started to get into mindfulness, which by the way is a big part of Al-Anon even though that isn’t what they call it. I began to train myself to look at when I was jumping into the hamster wheel and letting those thoughts take over my life. A simple tool I used to break this bad habit, and that’s what it was, was when I caught myself jumping onto the crazy wagon was to ask myself “Who are you talking to?”. The more I developed this habit the less I was getting caught up in the chaos in my head.
Next step was Letting Go of the future. I had no control over what was going to happen so why fuss over it. It was OK to plan for the future, to save money for retirement, to have goals, to look forward to what might happen. What wasn’t OK was getting caught up in things that hadn’t happened. Again I used pretty much the same tool. I would ask myself “What are you fussing about?”. As I did this the wheels started to turn a little slower and I was beginning to find some inner peace. I was learning to live in the moment rather than the past or the future.
As I continue with my recovery, and I now see recovery as a path not a goal, I began to apply this to other areas of my life. Areas that had nothing to do with the A. These techniques worked very well with my everyday life, turning down the volume on the noise in my head. I started to see that behaviors that I had developed to deal with the pain of living with an alcoholic had bled over into my entire life and how I dealt with everything.
So, what I am working on now is using these tools for my everyday life. Letting go of the way I think things should be and accepting them as they are. I am also working on letting go of the internal views had built up of myself. I had defined myself by the roles I thought I had to play. I had built internal views of myself that were neither helpful nor useful. I had built a collection of boxes that defined me and stuffed myself in them. Now I am in the process of simply being me without the definitions and roles and boxes. I am allowing myself, who I really am to emerge. The roles are still there, father, grandfather, friend and all the other stuff I do. The difference is these roles are now what I choose to do, not who I am.
I am also Letting Go of the roles that are no longer useful. I no longer choose to play the role of codie or doormat or the suffering husband. I am letting go to find me, the real me. I am finding my core self and I like what I am finding.
In my recovery I am finding is that what I am recovering is myself, my sanity and my serenity and Letting Go is a big part of that recovery. Life is good.
Thank you for letting me share.
Your friend,
Living in a Pinkful Place
Join Date: May 2006
Location: Louisiana
Posts: 7,545
Thank you for this wonderful post ~
Letting go. . . hmm - i don't believe there is enough room on the INTERNET to post all that I have learned and AM learning about Letting Go. . .(lol)
Over my almost 9 yrs in recovery I have learned about
Letting go. . .
Of trying to be perfect ~ today I can say "I forgot, I made a mistake, and I was wrong" without beating myself up for the next 20 years. . .
Of attempting to fix everyone else's problems ~ I learned to allow others to have the dignity & self-respect to find their own way
of needing to have ALL the answers right now ~ I can trust my HP to provide an answer when I absolutely need to have one ~
and most of all I have let go of old dreams and opened my heart, mind and soul for the new ones that my HP & recovery brought into my life ~ they are far better than what I could have ever imagined ~
Today I can't imagine why I thought Letting Go was so hard ~ it is a freeing gift for me and all those around me ~
Just my e, s, & h ~
PINK HUGS,
Rita
Letting go. . . hmm - i don't believe there is enough room on the INTERNET to post all that I have learned and AM learning about Letting Go. . .(lol)
Over my almost 9 yrs in recovery I have learned about
Letting go. . .
Of trying to be perfect ~ today I can say "I forgot, I made a mistake, and I was wrong" without beating myself up for the next 20 years. . .
Of attempting to fix everyone else's problems ~ I learned to allow others to have the dignity & self-respect to find their own way
of needing to have ALL the answers right now ~ I can trust my HP to provide an answer when I absolutely need to have one ~
and most of all I have let go of old dreams and opened my heart, mind and soul for the new ones that my HP & recovery brought into my life ~ they are far better than what I could have ever imagined ~
Today I can't imagine why I thought Letting Go was so hard ~ it is a freeing gift for me and all those around me ~
Just my e, s, & h ~
PINK HUGS,
Rita
Member
Join Date: Oct 2006
Location: right here, right now
Posts: 6,516
Thank you!!! 
I giggled half-ways through your post because
is exactly what I need to be telling myself. I'm in a situation where a lot of my future is up in the air, and I keep saying "I just want to know how it turns out. If I can just read the last chapter, I'll be OK with the suspense in the middle!"
But that's missing out on life. Just like skipping forward to the last chapter in a book would be.
Thank you for helping me realize that today.
And this:
made my heart swell with joy. That. Is. Tall. Corn. My. Friend.
I giggled half-ways through your post because
“What are you fussing about?”
But that's missing out on life. Just like skipping forward to the last chapter in a book would be.
Thank you for helping me realize that today.
And this:
what I am working on now is using these tools for my everyday life. Letting go of the way I think things should be and accepting them as they are. I am also working on letting go of the internal views had built up of myself. I had defined myself by the roles I thought I had to play. I had built internal views of myself that were neither helpful nor useful. I had built a collection of boxes that defined me and stuffed myself in them. Now I am in the process of simply being me without the definitions and roles and boxes. I am allowing myself, who I really am to emerge.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2006
Location: behind the viewfinder...
Posts: 6,278
Originally Posted by m1k3 
So, what I am working on now is using these tools for my everyday life. Letting go of the way I think things should be and accepting them as they are. I am also working on letting go of the internal views had built up of myself. I had defined myself by the roles I thought I had to play. I had built internal views of myself that were neither helpful nor useful. I had built a collection of boxes that defined me and stuffed myself in them. Now I am in the process of simply being me without the definitions and roles and boxes. I am allowing myself, who I really am to emerge. The roles are still there, father, grandfather, friend and all the other stuff I do. The difference is these roles are now what I choose to do, not who I am.
Go Mike!
L
Member
Join Date: Oct 2011
Posts: 1,698
Thank you Mike, a perfect post for me today. I keep thinking of the "what if" and it is driving me craaaaazy!
Great insight and I am going to ask what is all the fuss about since I have NO PROOF there is something I need to FUSS about !
Great insight and I am going to ask what is all the fuss about since I have NO PROOF there is something I need to FUSS about !
To thine own self be true.
Join Date: May 2009
Location: U.S.A.
Posts: 5,924
Today I am doing my best to let go of the person I thought A&AXBF was, who he pretended to be. And trying to figure out who was that person who took over my life for the last 2 and a half years.
Member
Join Date: May 2012
Location: Florida
Posts: 6,780
[QUOTE=m1k3;3483922]So, what I am working on now is using these tools for my everyday life. Letting go of the way I think things should be and accepting them as they are. I am also working on letting go of the internal views had built up of myself. I had defined myself by the roles I thought I had to play. I had built internal views of myself that were neither helpful nor useful. I had built a collection of boxes that defined me and stuffed myself in them. Now I am in the process of simply being me without the definitions and roles and boxes. I am allowing myself, who I really am to emerge. The roles are still there, father, grandfather, friend and all the other stuff I do. The difference is these roles are now what I choose to do, not who I am.
I am also Letting Go of the roles that are no longer useful. I no longer choose to play the role of codie or doormat or the suffering husband. I am letting go to find me, the real me. I am finding my core self and I like what I am finding.
QUOTE]
What a great share Mike, I love reading your thoughtful & positive posts.
For me, Letting Go has been a process & I feel more like I chip away at my progress rather than seeing rapid, beneficial results. It is truly the hardest thing to dig deep & honestly face everything that you find. Often I don’t realize I really HAVE changed my tune (so to speak) until faced with an old situation & discover that my automatic response is different. (This has come up in my world quite a few times over the last few weeks.) Sometimes it takes these events for OTHERS to truly grasp what I’m telling them is happening inside of me. Acknowledging & identifying new definitions across all areas of my life is no small event.
I have been in the mode of moving beyond analyzing Letting Go as it relates to me/my A/our problems & addressing it & my codie issues in other relationships. The most notable one is being the oldest ACOA & understanding how that played into the dynamic between me, my sister & mother. I am the Caretaker & while my AF managed 5 yrs of happy sobriety before his death, once he was gone all of the old definitions & roles came rebounding back. It hadn’t been so long since I’d actively played that role & I was only 19 so it was easy to slip right back into the codie behavior.
I have been both amazed at the intricacies of my codie tendencies & at how much a part of me inside must have always recognized it & was ready to let go. It’s an immense amount of pressure! Easier said than done, but nice to know I don’t have to convince myself that my needs have value.
I was also shocked that by moving toward my own independence, my behavior was taken by others to be selfish, uncaring or judgmental.
For the first time in my entire life I am doing for me FIRST and no one seems to quite know how to take that except to interpret it as me no longer supporting THEM. Um…. What? I’m just creating boundaries, working on those internal definitions & living MY life. NONE of which has anything to do with YOU.
I am also Letting Go of the roles that are no longer useful. I no longer choose to play the role of codie or doormat or the suffering husband. I am letting go to find me, the real me. I am finding my core self and I like what I am finding.
QUOTE]
What a great share Mike, I love reading your thoughtful & positive posts.
For me, Letting Go has been a process & I feel more like I chip away at my progress rather than seeing rapid, beneficial results. It is truly the hardest thing to dig deep & honestly face everything that you find. Often I don’t realize I really HAVE changed my tune (so to speak) until faced with an old situation & discover that my automatic response is different. (This has come up in my world quite a few times over the last few weeks.) Sometimes it takes these events for OTHERS to truly grasp what I’m telling them is happening inside of me. Acknowledging & identifying new definitions across all areas of my life is no small event.
I have been in the mode of moving beyond analyzing Letting Go as it relates to me/my A/our problems & addressing it & my codie issues in other relationships. The most notable one is being the oldest ACOA & understanding how that played into the dynamic between me, my sister & mother. I am the Caretaker & while my AF managed 5 yrs of happy sobriety before his death, once he was gone all of the old definitions & roles came rebounding back. It hadn’t been so long since I’d actively played that role & I was only 19 so it was easy to slip right back into the codie behavior.
I have been both amazed at the intricacies of my codie tendencies & at how much a part of me inside must have always recognized it & was ready to let go. It’s an immense amount of pressure! Easier said than done, but nice to know I don’t have to convince myself that my needs have value.
I was also shocked that by moving toward my own independence, my behavior was taken by others to be selfish, uncaring or judgmental.
For the first time in my entire life I am doing for me FIRST and no one seems to quite know how to take that except to interpret it as me no longer supporting THEM. Um…. What? I’m just creating boundaries, working on those internal definitions & living MY life. NONE of which has anything to do with YOU.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2012
Posts: 1,754
Originally Posted by m1k3
I thought it might be a good idea to start a thread on “Letting Go”, what it means to you and how it has helped in your recovery.
This is my experience with Letting G0.
Letting go was a big sticking point for me when I first started working my program. I thought letting go meant that anything the A did was OK and I wasn’t supposed to react. Just keep going on and trying not to let what was happening bother me.
As I worked my program Letting Go began to change. It didn’t mean that what the A did didn’t matter; it meant that I didn’t have any control over their behavior. I didn’t cause it, I can’t control it, I can’t cure it. As I accepted this I began to get my first taste of serenity. Just a little taste but boy was it great.
I then began to see Letting Go as letting go of all the hurts and grudges and anger that I had because of the wrongs my A had done to me. As long as I kept dwelling on them I was still stuck on the roller coaster. I would relive fights and incidents in my head over and over. At this point I started to get into mindfulness, which by the way is a big part of Al-Anon even though that isn’t what they call it. I began to train myself to look at when I was jumping into the hamster wheel and letting those thoughts take over my life. A simple tool I used to break this bad habit, and that’s what it was, was when I caught myself jumping onto the crazy wagon was to ask myself “Who are you talking to?”. The more I developed this habit the less I was getting caught up in the chaos in my head.
Next step was Letting Go of the future. I had no control over what was going to happen so why fuss over it. It was OK to plan for the future, to save money for retirement, to have goals, to look forward to what might happen. What wasn’t OK was getting caught up in things that hadn’t happened. Again I used pretty much the same tool. I would ask myself “What are you fussing about?”. As I did this the wheels started to turn a little slower and I was beginning to find some inner peace. I was learning to live in the moment rather than the past or the future.
As I continue with my recovery, and I now see recovery as a path not a goal, I began to apply this to other areas of my life. Areas that had nothing to do with the A. These techniques worked very well with my everyday life, turning down the volume on the noise in my head. I started to see that behaviors that I had developed to deal with the pain of living with an alcoholic had bled over into my entire life and how I dealt with everything.
So, what I am working on now is using these tools for my everyday life. Letting go of the way I think things should be and accepting them as they are. I am also working on letting go of the internal views had built up of myself. I had defined myself by the roles I thought I had to play. I had built internal views of myself that were neither helpful nor useful. I had built a collection of boxes that defined me and stuffed myself in them. Now I am in the process of simply being me without the definitions and roles and boxes. I am allowing myself, who I really am to emerge. The roles are still there, father, grandfather, friend and all the other stuff I do. The difference is these roles are now what I choose to do, not who I am.
I am also Letting Go of the roles that are no longer useful. I no longer choose to play the role of codie or doormat or the suffering husband. I am letting go to find me, the real me. I am finding my core self and I like what I am finding.
In my recovery I am finding is that what I am recovering is myself, my sanity and my serenity and Letting Go is a big part of that recovery. Life is good.
Thank you for letting me share.
Your friend,
This is my experience with Letting G0.
Letting go was a big sticking point for me when I first started working my program. I thought letting go meant that anything the A did was OK and I wasn’t supposed to react. Just keep going on and trying not to let what was happening bother me.
As I worked my program Letting Go began to change. It didn’t mean that what the A did didn’t matter; it meant that I didn’t have any control over their behavior. I didn’t cause it, I can’t control it, I can’t cure it. As I accepted this I began to get my first taste of serenity. Just a little taste but boy was it great.
I then began to see Letting Go as letting go of all the hurts and grudges and anger that I had because of the wrongs my A had done to me. As long as I kept dwelling on them I was still stuck on the roller coaster. I would relive fights and incidents in my head over and over. At this point I started to get into mindfulness, which by the way is a big part of Al-Anon even though that isn’t what they call it. I began to train myself to look at when I was jumping into the hamster wheel and letting those thoughts take over my life. A simple tool I used to break this bad habit, and that’s what it was, was when I caught myself jumping onto the crazy wagon was to ask myself “Who are you talking to?”. The more I developed this habit the less I was getting caught up in the chaos in my head.
Next step was Letting Go of the future. I had no control over what was going to happen so why fuss over it. It was OK to plan for the future, to save money for retirement, to have goals, to look forward to what might happen. What wasn’t OK was getting caught up in things that hadn’t happened. Again I used pretty much the same tool. I would ask myself “What are you fussing about?”. As I did this the wheels started to turn a little slower and I was beginning to find some inner peace. I was learning to live in the moment rather than the past or the future.
As I continue with my recovery, and I now see recovery as a path not a goal, I began to apply this to other areas of my life. Areas that had nothing to do with the A. These techniques worked very well with my everyday life, turning down the volume on the noise in my head. I started to see that behaviors that I had developed to deal with the pain of living with an alcoholic had bled over into my entire life and how I dealt with everything.
So, what I am working on now is using these tools for my everyday life. Letting go of the way I think things should be and accepting them as they are. I am also working on letting go of the internal views had built up of myself. I had defined myself by the roles I thought I had to play. I had built internal views of myself that were neither helpful nor useful. I had built a collection of boxes that defined me and stuffed myself in them. Now I am in the process of simply being me without the definitions and roles and boxes. I am allowing myself, who I really am to emerge. The roles are still there, father, grandfather, friend and all the other stuff I do. The difference is these roles are now what I choose to do, not who I am.
I am also Letting Go of the roles that are no longer useful. I no longer choose to play the role of codie or doormat or the suffering husband. I am letting go to find me, the real me. I am finding my core self and I like what I am finding.
In my recovery I am finding is that what I am recovering is myself, my sanity and my serenity and Letting Go is a big part of that recovery. Life is good.
Thank you for letting me share.
Your friend,
I am so working on letting go, of control, anger, what if's etc.... I appreciate you so much.
Katie xo
Member
Join Date: Jan 2006
Location: behind the viewfinder...
Posts: 6,278
I have successfully learned to let go of many things, but the most difficult for me, and the one I will probably be working on the rest of my life is this--the need to be RIGHT.
I constantly have to remind myself that what is right for me doesn't have to be right for someone else. That there are very few circumstances in life where there is a definitive RIGHT and WRONG. That there are many shades of gray in this world and just because someone disagrees with me doesn't make me wrong. And that just because I disagree with them doesn't make them wrong.
I can do whatever is right for me without agreement from anyone else. I can even do what's right for me if others disapprove of it. But, it's very difficult. Progress, not perfection.
L
I constantly have to remind myself that what is right for me doesn't have to be right for someone else. That there are very few circumstances in life where there is a definitive RIGHT and WRONG. That there are many shades of gray in this world and just because someone disagrees with me doesn't make me wrong. And that just because I disagree with them doesn't make them wrong.
I can do whatever is right for me without agreement from anyone else. I can even do what's right for me if others disapprove of it. But, it's very difficult. Progress, not perfection.
L
Member
Join Date: Jun 2011
Location: Right here, right now!
Posts: 3,424
The last few weeks and today as soon as I read your post I knew what I was working on in "Letting Go"
Me + Person B = Sum of the relationship
I was taking on the sum of the relationship when in all honesty my only role was the me part.
It is such a relief. It is such a relief to not take on that all of the problems in the relationship were not because of my addiction and struggle.
It is such a relief to realize that having an addiction and working on it, hard is not the same as having an addiction.
thanks for the post idea.
Me + Person B = Sum of the relationship
I was taking on the sum of the relationship when in all honesty my only role was the me part.
It is such a relief. It is such a relief to not take on that all of the problems in the relationship were not because of my addiction and struggle.
It is such a relief to realize that having an addiction and working on it, hard is not the same as having an addiction.
thanks for the post idea.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2010
Posts: 342
Thanks Mike for this great post.
Letting go is a progression for me and I can see that I am getting better at it and I am recovering.
Letting go of the future seems to be hardest for me and I am going to ask myself "What I am fussing about?" as I think that may help me be in the moment and enjoy my life more.
Thanks again.
Letting go is a progression for me and I can see that I am getting better at it and I am recovering.
Letting go of the future seems to be hardest for me and I am going to ask myself "What I am fussing about?" as I think that may help me be in the moment and enjoy my life more.
Thanks again.
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