transformyself

So ******* ******* AH didn't make dinner for me last night, but he did for the rest of the family. He said he didn't think I would be home. I went out to meet with a man who wants to hire me, told him I'd be back by 6:30. It's his way of showing me that I never am home when I say I will, probably also that I don't bring in any money, that I am not a part of this family, all the ******* ******** he has been throwing at me verbally--he's still working on making his point.

It's all just a way to eek out his resentments now that I'm not interacting with him or taking the bait.

He's not drinking, which is probably as dangerous as when he is, as he is now even more unstable. But thinks he's doing a great thing.

Just now he said, "did you guys like the sandwiches I made last night?" To the kids. "weren't they awesome?"

I guess putting up with this petty BS is a heck of a lot better than the actual interacting I'd been doing with him for so long. And it's good for me to keep not taking the bait.

I also just realized I better start reprogramming myself and delete all that crap he's been beating into my head about me for so long. I think I have internalized much of it, look how easily I just spit all of that out now.

Oh, I'm am so angry. It's bizarre. I've only felt relieved and in control of my own destiny. I hate it when I wake up this way, off I go to counter act it... grrrrr....

StarCat

I am still working through this myself.
XABF was always complaining about my legs, always talking about how fat I was, how I'd be an elephant when I was older. He'd pinch my legs until they hurt saying "Look at all this fat!" and then compare mine to his own or (gross!) his daughter's.
I weighted around 115 lbs.

I gained about 30 lbs after leaving XABF - funny what living with an alcoholic does to your appetite. My boyfriend today loves me for the person that I am. That said, he also makes it clear that he loves the way I look, as well. Sometimes when I'm worrying about how I look he'll say things like, "I'll always love you, whether you gain 40 lbs or lose 10." I'll answer back, "What if I lose more than 10 lbs?" He'll laugh happily with one of his silly grins and say, "I'd love you anyway, I'd just worry that there wouldn't be enough of you left!"

And yet still, I'm always worried that my legs are too fat, because I was told that for five years, ad nauseum, and it's tough to break from that belief.
I know it's wrong, I know it was XABF trying to tear me down (and succeeding), I know it's not true... But I still believe it!

Progress, not perfection, right?