my experience with step 3...
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2012
Location: Cleveland, OH
Posts: 1,191
my experience with step 3...
Step 3 has been something that seems to cause a lot of confusion for newcomers and, for what its worth, I thought id share my experience with it.
I was blessed with a sponsor who used the Big Book as his main tool for sponsorship. Iwas newly sober and stuck on the 3rd step. I would ask my sponsor "how do I know if I've taken a 3rd step?" He would always reply "when you are writing your 4th." I thought that was some kind of deep spiritual wisdom that I wasn't far along enough to comprehend. But later I found that it really is that simple. You see, the third step is a decision. The way I read it in the book, there is no actual turning over my will and life over to the care of God. If I was able to just do that, then what are all the other steps for?
Here is the way I see it. The third step is a decision to take the actions laid out in steps 4 through 12. Steps 4 through 12 is the process in which my willand life are turned over.
So easy to over complicate this! If you are willing to do 4 through 12 you're done with your 3rd! Get busy writing!
God bless y'all!
~BBThumper
I was blessed with a sponsor who used the Big Book as his main tool for sponsorship. Iwas newly sober and stuck on the 3rd step. I would ask my sponsor "how do I know if I've taken a 3rd step?" He would always reply "when you are writing your 4th." I thought that was some kind of deep spiritual wisdom that I wasn't far along enough to comprehend. But later I found that it really is that simple. You see, the third step is a decision. The way I read it in the book, there is no actual turning over my will and life over to the care of God. If I was able to just do that, then what are all the other steps for?
Here is the way I see it. The third step is a decision to take the actions laid out in steps 4 through 12. Steps 4 through 12 is the process in which my willand life are turned over.
So easy to over complicate this! If you are willing to do 4 through 12 you're done with your 3rd! Get busy writing!
God bless y'all!
~BBThumper
Member
Join Date: Oct 2008
Posts: 6,947
Yea, the third step, for me, was both less and more than I thought at the time. In fact, it happened spontaneously, I mean, I did not sit down and thought "I am going to my third step now." It happened during a period of pain, doubt and self pity and I knew of no other way to move forward. Later that day, when I looked back at that moment, I realized I had done my third step!
It`s ok to stay sober
Join Date: Mar 2003
Location: Central NC
Posts: 20,902
step 3 in the big book has requirements which my sponsor had me make before taking step 3
nor did he let me skip over step 3 and go on to step 4 before I was ready
certain conditions must be met before step 4
nor did he let me skip over step 3 and go on to step 4 before I was ready
certain conditions must be met before step 4
Member
Join Date: Oct 2009
Location: Columbus, Ohio
Posts: 645
My understanding of the conditions with respect to Step Three (per the Big Book) is as follows:
1) I need to be convinced of the a, b, c's
a) that I am alcoholic and cannot manage my own life
b) that probably no human power can relieve my alcoholism
c) that God could and would if He were sought
2) I need to be convinced that any life run on self-will (mine included) can hardly be a success
3) I need to be convinced that selfishness/ self-centeredness is the root of my problem
4) I need to be convinced that I must be rid of selfishness/self-centeredness and that I must have God's help to do so. Otherwise, it will kill me.
5) I need to quit playing God and instead play the roles He assigns: God is my Director; I am His actor, God is my Principal; I am His agent; God is my Father; I am His child.
I believe it is a "spiritual contract" that I am entering into between myself and the God of my understanding. If I agree to the above, then I "sign" that contract with a prayer. Now obviously, if I do not take action on that agreement (i.e., follow through with the remainder of the steps), my decision and the "contract" aren't worth the paper they are printed on.
1) I need to be convinced of the a, b, c's
a) that I am alcoholic and cannot manage my own life
b) that probably no human power can relieve my alcoholism
c) that God could and would if He were sought
2) I need to be convinced that any life run on self-will (mine included) can hardly be a success
3) I need to be convinced that selfishness/ self-centeredness is the root of my problem
4) I need to be convinced that I must be rid of selfishness/self-centeredness and that I must have God's help to do so. Otherwise, it will kill me.
5) I need to quit playing God and instead play the roles He assigns: God is my Director; I am His actor, God is my Principal; I am His agent; God is my Father; I am His child.
I believe it is a "spiritual contract" that I am entering into between myself and the God of my understanding. If I agree to the above, then I "sign" that contract with a prayer. Now obviously, if I do not take action on that agreement (i.e., follow through with the remainder of the steps), my decision and the "contract" aren't worth the paper they are printed on.
Recoveringed
Join Date: Jun 2012
Location: Thump
Posts: 409
Originally Posted by susanlauren 
My understanding of the conditions with respect to Step Three (per the Big Book) is as follows:
1) I need to be convinced of the a, b, c's
a) that I am alcoholic and cannot manage my own life
b) that probably no human power can relieve my alcoholism
c) that God could and would if He were sought
2) I need to be convinced that any life run on self-will (mine included) can hardly be a success
3) I need to be convinced that selfishness/ self-centeredness is the root of my problem
4) I need to be convinced that I must be rid of selfishness/self-centeredness and that I must have God's help to do so. Otherwise, it will kill me.
5) I need to quit playing God and instead play the roles He assigns: God is my Director; I am His actor, God is my Principal; I am His agent; God is my Father; I am His child.
I believe it is a "spiritual contract" that I am entering into between myself and the God of my understanding. If I agree to the above, then I "sign" that contract with a prayer. Now obviously, if I do not take action on that agreement (i.e., follow through with the remainder of the steps), my decision and the "contract" aren't worth the paper they are printed on.
1) I need to be convinced of the a, b, c's
a) that I am alcoholic and cannot manage my own life
b) that probably no human power can relieve my alcoholism
c) that God could and would if He were sought
2) I need to be convinced that any life run on self-will (mine included) can hardly be a success
3) I need to be convinced that selfishness/ self-centeredness is the root of my problem
4) I need to be convinced that I must be rid of selfishness/self-centeredness and that I must have God's help to do so. Otherwise, it will kill me.
5) I need to quit playing God and instead play the roles He assigns: God is my Director; I am His actor, God is my Principal; I am His agent; God is my Father; I am His child.
I believe it is a "spiritual contract" that I am entering into between myself and the God of my understanding. If I agree to the above, then I "sign" that contract with a prayer. Now obviously, if I do not take action on that agreement (i.e., follow through with the remainder of the steps), my decision and the "contract" aren't worth the paper they are printed on.
Great thread and a very, very good post.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2012
Location: NYC
Posts: 1,225
Good post on step three. I found it hard to know I did Step 3 "right" when I was new. But I had fully taken steps 1 & 2, and the fact that I was willing to trust God to keep me sober if I took the remaining steps helped me realize I had truly taken Step 3. I know deep in my heart I could not have stayed sober if it were not for His direction
12-Step Recovered Alkie
Join Date: May 2010
Location: West Bloomfield, MI
Posts: 5,797
I did a lot of worrying about how accurately I was working the steps (once I finally bought into AA, I should say).
I didn't have a sponsor who was mega-versed in the book nor did I understand a lot of what was in there. Actually, I understood it but was off-base here and there and rarely could apply it to me or my life. Step 3 had me baffled for a long time.
Looking back, I eventually hit a point where I just couldn't "get" anymore of it. I didn't understand everything in Susan's post (an EXCELENT post, btw) but I was pretty well convinced that me running my life was frustrating the hell out of me and I was willing to try something new/different.
Over time more of what's in 3 became clear to me and I could identify with more of it..... But that took time and practice.
I say all this because I found it easy to get hung up on the idea that I could and had-to work each step perfectly before I could move on - and that's not possible not is it true. The guidance of someone (in the program) who knows you, your abilities, your history, and so on comes I reeeeal handy in situations like this.
My experience is that I've learned and worked 3 waaaaay more fully lately than I did when I was new. That doesn't mean I was half-assing it then.....just like I'm not half-assing it now. As we grow.... Our understanding of the steps grows as well - and the requirements grow. Im sure what seems to be a decent understanding of 3 now will look rather sophomoric to me one day.
I didn't have a sponsor who was mega-versed in the book nor did I understand a lot of what was in there. Actually, I understood it but was off-base here and there and rarely could apply it to me or my life. Step 3 had me baffled for a long time.
Looking back, I eventually hit a point where I just couldn't "get" anymore of it. I didn't understand everything in Susan's post (an EXCELENT post, btw) but I was pretty well convinced that me running my life was frustrating the hell out of me and I was willing to try something new/different.
Over time more of what's in 3 became clear to me and I could identify with more of it..... But that took time and practice.
I say all this because I found it easy to get hung up on the idea that I could and had-to work each step perfectly before I could move on - and that's not possible not is it true. The guidance of someone (in the program) who knows you, your abilities, your history, and so on comes I reeeeal handy in situations like this.
My experience is that I've learned and worked 3 waaaaay more fully lately than I did when I was new. That doesn't mean I was half-assing it then.....just like I'm not half-assing it now. As we grow.... Our understanding of the steps grows as well - and the requirements grow. Im sure what seems to be a decent understanding of 3 now will look rather sophomoric to me one day.
Trudger of Happy Destiny
Join Date: Jun 2012
Location: Naperville, IL
Posts: 1,918
Originally Posted by susanlauren
My understanding of the conditions with respect to Step Three (per the Big Book) is as follows:
1) I need to be convinced of the a, b, c's
a) that I am alcoholic and cannot manage my own life
b) that probably no human power can relieve my alcoholism
c) that God could and would if He were sought
2) I need to be convinced that any life run on self-will (mine included) can hardly be a success
3) I need to be convinced that selfishness/ self-centeredness is the root of my problem
4) I need to be convinced that I must be rid of selfishness/self-centeredness and that I must have God's help to do so. Otherwise, it will kill me.
5) I need to quit playing God and instead play the roles He assigns: God is my Director; I am His actor, God is my Principal; I am His agent; God is my Father; I am His child.
I believe it is a "spiritual contract" that I am entering into between myself and the God of my understanding. If I agree to the above, then I "sign" that contract with a prayer. Now obviously, if I do not take action on that agreement (i.e., follow through with the remainder of the steps), my decision and the "contract" aren't worth the paper they are printed on.
1) I need to be convinced of the a, b, c's
a) that I am alcoholic and cannot manage my own life
b) that probably no human power can relieve my alcoholism
c) that God could and would if He were sought
2) I need to be convinced that any life run on self-will (mine included) can hardly be a success
3) I need to be convinced that selfishness/ self-centeredness is the root of my problem
4) I need to be convinced that I must be rid of selfishness/self-centeredness and that I must have God's help to do so. Otherwise, it will kill me.
5) I need to quit playing God and instead play the roles He assigns: God is my Director; I am His actor, God is my Principal; I am His agent; God is my Father; I am His child.
I believe it is a "spiritual contract" that I am entering into between myself and the God of my understanding. If I agree to the above, then I "sign" that contract with a prayer. Now obviously, if I do not take action on that agreement (i.e., follow through with the remainder of the steps), my decision and the "contract" aren't worth the paper they are printed on.
Laozi Old Man
Join Date: May 2008
Location: Detroit, MI
Posts: 6,665
Originally Posted by DayTrader
As we grow.... Our understanding of the steps grows as well - and the requirements grow. Im sure what seems to be a decent understanding of 3 now will look rather sophomoric to me one day.
The more we sow, the more we can reap. The more we reap, the more we can sow. The key is to use a little bit of the output as input to a new cycle.
"We must suffer to get well.
We must surrender to win.
We must give it away to keep it.
We must die to be reborn."
(from the Professor and the Paradox - BB 2nd Edition)
Member
Join Date: Feb 2005
Location: Bklyn. NY
Posts: 1,859
Step 3 is the foundation of my program. It's the only step I half understood, and felt capable of incorporating into my life when I first saw it on a shade in detox. I remember almost immediately after reading it going back into my bed and saying "god, who or whatever you are, I'm turning it all over to you, right now!" Please direct me, be with me, take care of me... bla, bla, bla..." We actually had a pretty long talk that day. 
My understanding of this step has since grown, changed, morphed, and continues to do so. Certain things I learned early on however really resonated with me, and I feel fortunate that I had the sponsor that I did at the time. He taught me some things that went a little bit further than what the big book said, or at least that I got out of it at the time. He taught me look at exactly what the step said, and emphasised certain words. Made a decision to turn our will and our lives over to the care of god...
What that meant was exactly what it said. I needed to be willing to put MY WILL and MY LIFE into god's hands. It didn't say anything about "doing god's will", but rather that I put my will into his care. That didn't mean I'd be going back and forth between my will and gods will, or that I needed to judge which was which, be on my toes, make sure I was doing what I believed to be god's will... it meant that I turned it over to god, and I was done with it. Although I did this on a daily basis to be ever conscious of it. Once done, that was it. I wasn't going to be perfect, but I needed to accept that I was no longer in charge. I would still screw up, but I had to believe I was under new management, and that if I screwed up it was a necessary part of my healing. In a sense, it's a great copout, but one that works if lived earnestly. I had a small incident that really drove this home for me...
In early recover I was at a meeting where I was the main speaker. At the end of the meeting I was approached by a man who had a severe stuttering problem. He managed to stutter out that he really identified with something I said, and had some questions for me. For whatever reasons, I was still really new and anxiety ridden, I didn't have the patience to listen to him. I told him, "I'm sorry, but I really have to go." I didn't have to go anywhere. And I felt horrible. I walked away from this guy cuz I couldn't listen to his stuttering. Called my sponsor when I got home, and confessed my guilt. He asked if I had turned my life and will over to god that day. I had. He said, "Then you did exactly what you were supposed to do." I argued, but he was steadfast. Convinced me that I had to believe I wasn't in charge, and it's not up to me to make these judgements any more. That guy may have needed to ask his question to someone else, or I may have not had the answer he needed, or whatever. Point was, if I turned my life and will over to the care of god, then I had to believe it. Years later I realize I walked away from that guy cuz I needed that lesson drilled home.
In the book conversations with God, the author talks about the 10 commandments saying that they were never intended as commandments. They were commitments. And the commitments were the gifts that god would grant us should we lead a life centered around him (meaning to me, a 3rd step). Having lived a 3rd step for many years now I see how this is true. I don't try to follow the commandments, never really believed in them... but I find now that my life is pretty in line with them all. Not by my fearing punishment, or feeling I HAD to do any of them, they're just a by product of my choice to turn my life and my will over to the care of god.
Gettin a bit long winded here, but want to cap this off by saying that I've made a lot of mistakes in the 28 years I've been sober. I've done a handful of things that weren't very nice also, and certainly did things that one would say wasn't "gods" will. It wasn't. It was my will, yet it was under the care of god, and becaue of that I grew from all those experience. And I don't believe anyone was ever severely harmed by my actions. I'm a completely different person than I was 28 years ago, and I attribute this all to that first prayer I made in my hospital bed, and my decision to turn my life and my will over to the care of god.
My understanding of this step has since grown, changed, morphed, and continues to do so. Certain things I learned early on however really resonated with me, and I feel fortunate that I had the sponsor that I did at the time. He taught me some things that went a little bit further than what the big book said, or at least that I got out of it at the time. He taught me look at exactly what the step said, and emphasised certain words. Made a decision to turn our will and our lives over to the care of god...
What that meant was exactly what it said. I needed to be willing to put MY WILL and MY LIFE into god's hands. It didn't say anything about "doing god's will", but rather that I put my will into his care. That didn't mean I'd be going back and forth between my will and gods will, or that I needed to judge which was which, be on my toes, make sure I was doing what I believed to be god's will... it meant that I turned it over to god, and I was done with it. Although I did this on a daily basis to be ever conscious of it. Once done, that was it. I wasn't going to be perfect, but I needed to accept that I was no longer in charge. I would still screw up, but I had to believe I was under new management, and that if I screwed up it was a necessary part of my healing. In a sense, it's a great copout, but one that works if lived earnestly. I had a small incident that really drove this home for me...
In early recover I was at a meeting where I was the main speaker. At the end of the meeting I was approached by a man who had a severe stuttering problem. He managed to stutter out that he really identified with something I said, and had some questions for me. For whatever reasons, I was still really new and anxiety ridden, I didn't have the patience to listen to him. I told him, "I'm sorry, but I really have to go." I didn't have to go anywhere. And I felt horrible. I walked away from this guy cuz I couldn't listen to his stuttering. Called my sponsor when I got home, and confessed my guilt. He asked if I had turned my life and will over to god that day. I had. He said, "Then you did exactly what you were supposed to do." I argued, but he was steadfast. Convinced me that I had to believe I wasn't in charge, and it's not up to me to make these judgements any more. That guy may have needed to ask his question to someone else, or I may have not had the answer he needed, or whatever. Point was, if I turned my life and will over to the care of god, then I had to believe it. Years later I realize I walked away from that guy cuz I needed that lesson drilled home.
In the book conversations with God, the author talks about the 10 commandments saying that they were never intended as commandments. They were commitments. And the commitments were the gifts that god would grant us should we lead a life centered around him (meaning to me, a 3rd step). Having lived a 3rd step for many years now I see how this is true. I don't try to follow the commandments, never really believed in them... but I find now that my life is pretty in line with them all. Not by my fearing punishment, or feeling I HAD to do any of them, they're just a by product of my choice to turn my life and my will over to the care of god.
Gettin a bit long winded here, but want to cap this off by saying that I've made a lot of mistakes in the 28 years I've been sober. I've done a handful of things that weren't very nice also, and certainly did things that one would say wasn't "gods" will. It wasn't. It was my will, yet it was under the care of god, and becaue of that I grew from all those experience. And I don't believe anyone was ever severely harmed by my actions. I'm a completely different person than I was 28 years ago, and I attribute this all to that first prayer I made in my hospital bed, and my decision to turn my life and my will over to the care of god.
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