Dreams and revelations...
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Join Date: Jun 2012
Location: New York
Posts: 96
Dreams and revelations...
So I've been up since 5:30am.. not bad..bout 7ish hours of sleep lol. I woke from an odd dream, but, it was a very enlightening dream.
In this dream i was sitting on my bed drinking copious amounts of vodka..and FAST! i was never a fast/ pound em down/knock em back/ type of drinker... i was a sipper... would take me 2 or 3 sips to finish a full shot.. anyway.. this dream seemed to go on for an eternity and inbetween me seeing myself sitting there getting wasted... i was having flash backs of all the negative things that had occurred in my life over the years..even before I began drinking heavy.
All of my past experiences were coming back to haunt me.
Bad relationships with guys who were abusive, liars, cheats.
Ridiculed by others for being "different"..
The downfall of my marriage and the hurt of him being engaged now, giving his new fiance all the things I wish he had given to me (mind you i am very happy for him)
The so called friends always picking fights with me and saying cruel things..
losing a great job due to the economy.
spending all of my retirement money to just survive.
Being kicked out of my apartment after i had just spent hundreds re-painting it.
Forced to spend more money to buy a new car cause the old one died..
reliving the worst panic attacks i ever had.
Fights with mom over my drinking..
Disappointment in loved ones faces while they watched me slowly kill myself with alcohol..
The death of my father
The list goes on and on and inbetween all these "episodes" of reflections of my life..after each one my dream would transcend back to me watching myself..sitting in my room on my bed drinking myself into oblivion..
When i woke at about 5:30 this morning... i prayed to God and thanked him as i do each morning and night for giving me strength and getting through another day sober.
I went to the kitchen and made my coffee and then it started to hit me. Although all of these instances that have occurred over the years did NOT "Cause" me to drink ( I did that on my own).. I feel the stress of it all was a great catalyst in helping me fall deeper and deeper into the black hole of alcoholism.
It amazed me that..even though you go through BS in life and THINK you are over certain things..they remain in your subconscious and unbeknown to you..it gnaws at you and gnaws at you.
I've often said it is paramount that in order to be able to quit an addiction you must first fully understand it..and further.. understand why you became addicted in the first place. Please dont misunderstand.. i blame NO ONE for my addiction.. I blame my own weakness but i now understand it better... Here i thought i was strong when i would get over things that went awry in my life..when in actuality i wasn't "over" them... i just masked them and forgot them by living at the bottom of a bottle of vodka.
Perhaps this was just another step on my road to recovery and a reminder that life will always throw you curve balls..and when it does.. I need to reflect on how i actually dealt with it in the past..which was to drink... instead of "thinking" i was dealing with it in a healthy, mature way and that i was so strong to get over it and move on... More and more each day i'm beginning to see just how crafty, cunning and manipulative alcohol has truly been in my life...
I'm very grateful for having had that dream... what a revelation!
In this dream i was sitting on my bed drinking copious amounts of vodka..and FAST! i was never a fast/ pound em down/knock em back/ type of drinker... i was a sipper... would take me 2 or 3 sips to finish a full shot.. anyway.. this dream seemed to go on for an eternity and inbetween me seeing myself sitting there getting wasted... i was having flash backs of all the negative things that had occurred in my life over the years..even before I began drinking heavy.
All of my past experiences were coming back to haunt me.
Bad relationships with guys who were abusive, liars, cheats.
Ridiculed by others for being "different"..
The downfall of my marriage and the hurt of him being engaged now, giving his new fiance all the things I wish he had given to me (mind you i am very happy for him)
The so called friends always picking fights with me and saying cruel things..
losing a great job due to the economy.
spending all of my retirement money to just survive.
Being kicked out of my apartment after i had just spent hundreds re-painting it.
Forced to spend more money to buy a new car cause the old one died..
reliving the worst panic attacks i ever had.
Fights with mom over my drinking..
Disappointment in loved ones faces while they watched me slowly kill myself with alcohol..
The death of my father
The list goes on and on and inbetween all these "episodes" of reflections of my life..after each one my dream would transcend back to me watching myself..sitting in my room on my bed drinking myself into oblivion..
When i woke at about 5:30 this morning... i prayed to God and thanked him as i do each morning and night for giving me strength and getting through another day sober.
I went to the kitchen and made my coffee and then it started to hit me. Although all of these instances that have occurred over the years did NOT "Cause" me to drink ( I did that on my own).. I feel the stress of it all was a great catalyst in helping me fall deeper and deeper into the black hole of alcoholism.
It amazed me that..even though you go through BS in life and THINK you are over certain things..they remain in your subconscious and unbeknown to you..it gnaws at you and gnaws at you.
I've often said it is paramount that in order to be able to quit an addiction you must first fully understand it..and further.. understand why you became addicted in the first place. Please dont misunderstand.. i blame NO ONE for my addiction.. I blame my own weakness but i now understand it better... Here i thought i was strong when i would get over things that went awry in my life..when in actuality i wasn't "over" them... i just masked them and forgot them by living at the bottom of a bottle of vodka.
Perhaps this was just another step on my road to recovery and a reminder that life will always throw you curve balls..and when it does.. I need to reflect on how i actually dealt with it in the past..which was to drink... instead of "thinking" i was dealing with it in a healthy, mature way and that i was so strong to get over it and move on... More and more each day i'm beginning to see just how crafty, cunning and manipulative alcohol has truly been in my life...
I'm very grateful for having had that dream... what a revelation!
Member
Join Date: Jun 2012
Location: UK
Posts: 1,145
Gah... the drinking dreams! I HATE them. I get them every so often and always wake up panicked and spend the first part of the day feeling the same regret I'd feel after I'd actually drank.
I know exactly what you mean about masking things with alcohol, too. Things that happened years and years ago seem to be bigger issues than ever now that I've stopped drinking. Things that I never dealt with properly because I'd drink myself into a stupor and 'forget' about them. It's difficult to suddenly have all that back in the front of the mind again... knowing that for most people these things are done and dusted and dealt with yet for us they are still raw... I don't really have any advice because I go through the same things, too... just hugs!
I know exactly what you mean about masking things with alcohol, too. Things that happened years and years ago seem to be bigger issues than ever now that I've stopped drinking. Things that I never dealt with properly because I'd drink myself into a stupor and 'forget' about them. It's difficult to suddenly have all that back in the front of the mind again... knowing that for most people these things are done and dusted and dealt with yet for us they are still raw... I don't really have any advice because I go through the same things, too... just hugs!
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2012
Location: New York
Posts: 96
Thank you mrsking.. hugs to you too.. but in truth im NOT upset about the dream..im quite happy about it..it made me realize allot. I dont feel worse for having the dream..i feel relieved actually because it WAS just a dream and not a reality...it truly made me realize where i once was..and waking up sober and level headed compared to how i felt in the dream is all the strength i need to continue on.
hugs to ya mrsking..your awesome!
hugs to ya mrsking..your awesome!
Sobriety date 12/19/2011
Join Date: Jun 2012
Location: TX
Posts: 409
I would be happy too! However, it is my understanding that ALL dreams are future events. So I would be careful with step 1 and make sure I really realize it - I am powerless over alcohol and my life is unmanageable when I drink it.
I write down all of my dreams and date them. The dream world is our real world and life is an illusion, is what I believe. That is a Course in Miracles.
I write down all of my dreams and date them. The dream world is our real world and life is an illusion, is what I believe. That is a Course in Miracles.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2012
Location: New York
Posts: 96
Well..i may debate the dream topic with you a bit.. I DO have premonition dreams all the time...however.. allot of the times my / our / everyone's dreams are simply byproducts and reflections of things we have or haven't dealt with in the past and our subconscious runs in high gear when we are sleeping to make us aware of certain lessons we couldnt see while going through these instances. I understand your point though.. But I myself, being a very spiritual person with heightened senses... i do know myself and the differences.. been a great study of mine since i was 5 years old believe it or not.. interesting thought process you have though! Maybe one day we can have a proper chat/debate on the topic 
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Join Date: Oct 2011
Location: NJ
Posts: 594
GiGi!! :ghug3
What a breakthrough in your sobriety! As a result of prayer and working hard at not picking up the first drink, your HP is revieling things to you! How awesome is that sweetie!!!!
There is so much garbage we all have to let go of being alcoholics we tend to hang on tight. This damages our souls bad. You are being shown first hand where to begin. How exciting!!!
What a breakthrough in your sobriety! As a result of prayer and working hard at not picking up the first drink, your HP is revieling things to you! How awesome is that sweetie!!!!
There is so much garbage we all have to let go of being alcoholics we tend to hang on tight. This damages our souls bad. You are being shown first hand where to begin. How exciting!!!
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2012
Location: New York
Posts: 96
You're right Heather! hugs ya.. thank you so much for your words of enlightenment and encouragement. Yes it is truly a miraculous breakthrough and i feel great!!!! I still wanna do the hula! I have so much thanks to each person here who has helped me through this and continues to do so... love you all soooo much!
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