New and in need of support
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2012
Location: San Francisco, CA
Posts: 1
New and in need of support
Hi there. I'm new here, and don't really know where to begin, so here it goes:
My significant other and I have been together for 4 years, and he has struggled with alcoholism for the entire time. He has never been verbally or physically abusive, drunk or sober, but nonetheless his drinking has taken a serious toll on our relationship. It took a while for him to admit to having a problem, since he doesn't drink on a regular basis, and leads a fairly functional life. He is currently getting a PhD, and remains employed.
Though he doesn't drink constantly, when he does, it is completely out of control. In addition, he's very good at hiding his drinking while he's doing it, and he consistently lies to me when I confront him about it, despite the fact that I know without a doubt when he is drunk or hungover. This usually leads to anger and resentment on my part, and the continuation of his cycle on his: a few days of secretly binging, a few days of serious depression (and my feeling bad for him), and then back to 'normal' life.
We've had many discussions about his drinking, most of which lead to seemingly empty promises about him quitting on his own, and more lately about him seeking help in the future. Lately, these discussions have turned into arguments in which I have become verbally abusive toward him. I feel so angry and so exhausted that I end up saying extremely hurtful things, which I later regret, and which obviously doesn't help either of us.
I suppose my questions are: Is it realistic for me to expect him to be honest with me about his drinking, even though I already know the truth? How can I be honest about how I feel and set healthy boundaries in our relationship when I am so angry and hurt about being lied to?
I want to make our relationship work, but this disease seems to be taking over.
Any and all suggestions would be helpful. Like I said, I'm new here, and haven't really discussed this with many people, but at this point, I don't know what else to do.
My significant other and I have been together for 4 years, and he has struggled with alcoholism for the entire time. He has never been verbally or physically abusive, drunk or sober, but nonetheless his drinking has taken a serious toll on our relationship. It took a while for him to admit to having a problem, since he doesn't drink on a regular basis, and leads a fairly functional life. He is currently getting a PhD, and remains employed.
Though he doesn't drink constantly, when he does, it is completely out of control. In addition, he's very good at hiding his drinking while he's doing it, and he consistently lies to me when I confront him about it, despite the fact that I know without a doubt when he is drunk or hungover. This usually leads to anger and resentment on my part, and the continuation of his cycle on his: a few days of secretly binging, a few days of serious depression (and my feeling bad for him), and then back to 'normal' life.
We've had many discussions about his drinking, most of which lead to seemingly empty promises about him quitting on his own, and more lately about him seeking help in the future. Lately, these discussions have turned into arguments in which I have become verbally abusive toward him. I feel so angry and so exhausted that I end up saying extremely hurtful things, which I later regret, and which obviously doesn't help either of us.
I suppose my questions are: Is it realistic for me to expect him to be honest with me about his drinking, even though I already know the truth? How can I be honest about how I feel and set healthy boundaries in our relationship when I am so angry and hurt about being lied to?
I want to make our relationship work, but this disease seems to be taking over.
Any and all suggestions would be helpful. Like I said, I'm new here, and haven't really discussed this with many people, but at this point, I don't know what else to do.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2012
Location: Portland, OR
Posts: 87
Welcome! I'm only a day less new here than you are. 
I'm afraid I don't have much advice, but I wanted to extend a warm welcome.
I feel I have a lot in common with your situation, or I did until recently. Things have escalated, but initially I was in your shoes. When I found out my boyfriend had been drinking for months, and that that was the reason behind him causing me so much disappointment and anger and pain, I was so angry. I felt sad for him, and I wanted to help him, but I felt so betrayed. I felt blindsided. I went back and forth between wanting to stand by him and thinking "I can't wait around and deal with this crap."
I'm afraid I don't have much advice, but I wanted to extend a warm welcome. I feel I have a lot in common with your situation, or I did until recently. Things have escalated, but initially I was in your shoes. When I found out my boyfriend had been drinking for months, and that that was the reason behind him causing me so much disappointment and anger and pain, I was so angry. I felt sad for him, and I wanted to help him, but I felt so betrayed. I felt blindsided. I went back and forth between wanting to stand by him and thinking "I can't wait around and deal with this crap."
Member
Join Date: Sep 2011
Posts: 75
As someone that was with a AH for 5 years my advice is to step back.. read the numerous posts on Sr and decide if you really want this life.
Love is not this hard and any successfu lasting relationship is built on respect and honesty. If I only had those 5 years back .
Even in recovery and sober its creates a whole new dimension where I fear most of us simply cant forget the past. My ex Ah sober was a shell of the person I once loved.
Take care and look after you..
Love is not this hard and any successfu lasting relationship is built on respect and honesty. If I only had those 5 years back .
Even in recovery and sober its creates a whole new dimension where I fear most of us simply cant forget the past. My ex Ah sober was a shell of the person I once loved.
Take care and look after you..
peaceful seabird
Join Date: Sep 2008
Location: floating
Posts: 4,822
Welcome to the SR family!
Please make yourself at home by reading and posting as much as needed. We are here to support you.
When I first arrived, I learned about the 3 C's of my loved ones alcoholism:
I did not Cause it
I cannot Control it
I will not Cure it
It took me some time to finally accept that concept. I was sure I could convince my loved one to change, see the light, want our family more than alcohol, and learn to be respectful of my needs ~ if I could just find the right words, say them with authority, say them at the right time OR just convince him with my love.
Wow. I was one hot mess when I finally accepted that I was powerless over alcohol and my life had become unmanageable!
I also became someone I didn't like when my focus remained on the alcohol in our life. I was full of anger and resentments at my loved one. I learned through Alanon meetings (and literature) that my anger and resentments were likely the result of my premeditated expectations. (that really made me angry ~ at myself) I was expecting certain behaviors/reactions from my loved one. I was making those expectations/demands known to my loved one. My loved one was repeatedly not meeting my expectations with my disired outcome and I was the one getting angry and frustrated.
And you know what my loved one was doing during this whole process of my expectations/my resentments/my anger? He was doing what he was always doing and always would do: exactly as he pleased. He drank.
You're not alone.
Here is a link to one of my favorite sticky posts (stickies are older permanent posts at the top of this main page). I followed these steps while I was living with active alcoholism and I found my serenity!
Here is the link:
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...l-problem.html
Please make yourself at home by reading and posting as much as needed. We are here to support you.
When I first arrived, I learned about the 3 C's of my loved ones alcoholism:
I did not Cause it
I cannot Control it
I will not Cure it
It took me some time to finally accept that concept. I was sure I could convince my loved one to change, see the light, want our family more than alcohol, and learn to be respectful of my needs ~ if I could just find the right words, say them with authority, say them at the right time OR just convince him with my love.
Wow. I was one hot mess when I finally accepted that I was powerless over alcohol and my life had become unmanageable!
I also became someone I didn't like when my focus remained on the alcohol in our life. I was full of anger and resentments at my loved one. I learned through Alanon meetings (and literature) that my anger and resentments were likely the result of my premeditated expectations. (that really made me angry ~ at myself) I was expecting certain behaviors/reactions from my loved one. I was making those expectations/demands known to my loved one. My loved one was repeatedly not meeting my expectations with my disired outcome and I was the one getting angry and frustrated.
And you know what my loved one was doing during this whole process of my expectations/my resentments/my anger? He was doing what he was always doing and always would do: exactly as he pleased. He drank.
You're not alone.
Here is a link to one of my favorite sticky posts (stickies are older permanent posts at the top of this main page). I followed these steps while I was living with active alcoholism and I found my serenity!
Here is the link:
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...l-problem.html
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