trying87

I'm a new member and I don't know what has drawn me to post this time. I have known about SR for over a year now and it has always been a place I knew I could come and read other people's experiences, advice, and the sticky notes at the top...BUT never posted. But something inside me is compelling me to tell my story this time.....

I am a 25 year old woman who has a amazing family and friends, who works hard at work and in nursing school.....BUT I also am completely in love with my boyfriend of 3 years who is a heroin addict.....

I used to try to convince myself that he is a "recovering" heroin addict because he would get time periods of 1 year or 6 months or whatever clean, but I've learned that he was never truly clean, maybe not using but he never totally changed his behavior, and that is what has ultimately led to a relapse everytime.

Currently my ABF is lving in a halfway house 3 hours away from where I live, and after 5 months of "clean" time I got the call today that he relapsed last night and they weren't sure at that time where he went last night after they confronted him, well obviously I know 100% that he went to use more heroin. I'm not in denial of that, he relapsed so it is time for the whole long drawn out story to repeat itself. I knew the minute I saw his house manager's name on my cell phone what I was about to hear.

All of the times that this has happened to me before I automatically threw myself into this crazy frenzy, trying to figure out what I was going to do to fix the situation, coming up with excuses why I had to suddenly leave work when in actuality I needed to focus on solving this problem this time (in reality it got me nowhere and I know only made things worse), and finding myself uncontrollably crying and feeling like my world was falling apart.

But today was different, yes I do love him the same as I did all of the times before and I am disappointed that this has happened for what feels like the 100th time. But today the thought "how am I going to fix this?" didn't even cross my mind. I have gone through my day as I was supposed to, I haven't even shed one tear.....and I have no idea WHY this time is different???

My bf called me around the time I was getting off work, convenient huh, and I told him that I was aware of what happened. He went into the same old sob story of he didn't know what he was going to do blah blah blah, and then came the part I was waiting for "Can you please send me just $30 so I can get some food?".....I literally couldn't control my laughter. He said he could not understand why I was doing this to him and all of the same crap that would normally make me feel guilty enough (or maybe annoyed enough) to just give in to what he asked for.

But this time I just said that I had been through this many times with him and I unfortunately knew from experience that the last thing he was worried about right now was food. And that I loved him very much but I was not going to send him anything this time, I had given in everytime before and I promised myself 5 months ago when this happened that it was the last time. Obviously that didn't go over very well and he started yelling, crying and wjatever else had worked before, but I finally just said that I wanted things to be different this time, so I was going to change how I handled my part of it. He called me a ******* and hung up.

But the point of this long story isn't for me to get advice from you all on how to "fix" him, that isn't something I am capable of and I have come to terms with that awhile ago.

I guess I just am curious if anyone can explain to me why I felt different this time and why I finally handled the situation differently? Because honestly I haven't done anything that I really have needed to do to help myself, and I by no means think that my codependence is cured...I know I have a long road and alot of work ahead of me....I just don't see what is making me handle it so differently this time. Maybe I have seperated myself and grown numbe to the situation, or maybe I was deep down expecting this to happen so I wasn't in as much shock as I normally am?? I have no idea.

So any insight or advice on this is greatly appreciated, and thank you very much to whoever has taken the time to read all of this! Thanks for listening!

amaslow

A long time ago when I was in nursing school, I took a course my senior year called Professional Obligations. Odd name for a course, but I learned in that course that nurses tend to be co-dependant and look for mates to care for...(If they taught that now, they probably would all change majors!) It has been my experience managing nurses for years and in my personal life that many nurses are very co-dependant...They should start us all in recovery while we are in school!

Learn2Live

Trying87, what that sounds like is Acceptance to me. You have accepted that he is an addict and there is nothing you can do to help him.

LoveMeNow

My mother used to say -"when you have had enough, you will know it." Maybe you have had enough and you KNOW it now.

(not "recovery" lingo but I am sure it can still be applied, lol).

zoso77

I'm glad you finally posted. Welcome to the board.

It appears, from this part of your story, that your year of lurking and reading led you to make a decision that you wouldn't have made a year ago. You made a healthier decision for you. And your ABF didn't particularly care for that because he was expecting you to do what you had done before. The addict, I believe, wants us trapped in that codependent cycle of enabling. Your ABF wanted you to react as you always had to his "woe is me" act. And where does that get him? More importantly, where does that get you?

What you did took guts, and I hope you're giving yourself some credit for that. As the title of the book says, it takes Courage to Change.

But, it is a single step. You can't become complacent in your recovery. At this point, I really believe going to a Nar Anon or Al Anon meeting would be beneficial to you. It's one thing to read the stories of others and how we've handled things. It's another thing to hear about it. The giving and receiving of support is something, I believe, that would be of great help to you.

Continue to post, continue to share. Be prepared for bumps in the road. Be prepared for outrageous behavior from him. And do what you need to do to take care of you.

Best,
ZoSo

Kindeyes

I agree with L2L.....it sounds like acceptance and moving out of denial. You've got the whole concept of doing the same thing over and over and over again expecting different results is the definition of insanity. Or perhaps you're just sick and tired. Whatever it is...it's a place that many of us get to eventually.

Don't be surprised if he waits a day or two and takes another run at you using a different tact.

You did a very loving thing for him today.....and for you. You said "No" and you meant it.

gentle hugs
ke

trying87

Thank you all so much for the quick responses! I too think that I might finally be getting out of the denial and starting to really accept that he is a heroin addict. I have previously been able to say those words but chose to not really think about what they meant or push the true impact of that statement to the back of my head....who knows.

I also know that it is quite possible that I am sick and tired of this behavior, but I really am not sick and tired of him. This is just a horrible disease that takes the person you love away and just leaves us with the physical shell of a person who has no heart...and thats not the man i love, and i know I can't make the man i love come back...thats on him.

But where do I go from here? I've been thinking ab attending a al-anon/nar-anon meeting, but there is only like 1 nar-anon in my area that would be impossible with my schedule. So maybe i will look into alanon, but does it matter that my bf is a addict and not a alfoholic? I have attended a few na meetings when my bf asked me to go with him, and i enjoyed them and was happy to be surrounded by all these people who truly were trying to help themselves, but i couldnt help feeling out of place or like a outsider during their time.

I just know that I will need some new ways of finding that inner strength from earlier, bc i know a call will be coming tomorrow with some different disaster/excuse for $$$$........

Any advice is welcome! Also any threads/stickies that you think specifically would help me im this situation.....thanks!

I love that i have found this new family here that knows what i am going through, i dont share any of this with family, friends, or coworkers, thats alot to unload on someone else.

Thanks for your replies again and i keep you and allvof your loved ones in my prayers tonight

crazybabie

Many here do attend ala-non, Can you not answer the phone for a few days?

outtolunch

The only thing we control and can change is our reaction.