mmk11

Its our third wedding anniversary today. It's an absolutely beautiful day today, lovelier than the day we married. We've been separated for over two months and I told AH last week I didn't want to hear from him after hes jerked me around about reconciling. Honestly I really did (and do) want to hear from him. I guess I want him to realize he's going to lose me and fight for me like I fought for him and us the last five months.

I emailed him this morning about one of my accounts that I received a notification on (he's my financial advisor). I didn't have to do that today, of all days, but I did. How f'n lovely is it to email about accounts and taxes with my husband on our anniversary. It's like talking around the elephant in the room; neither one of us mentioned our anni.

I tried my best today to be strong at work. I looked very pretty today and was productive all morning. But I couldn't shake the tears. They kept welling up. I couldn't ignore the sickness in my stomach yet I was starving. My hands kept trembling. After three hours, I knew I was going to lose it; told my boss I had a migraine and had to leave. I literally ran out of the office and down four flights; I didn't even make it to my car before the breakdown started and now continues.

I know he's an A and I'm not getting what I want or need from this relationship. He's not going to change, seek help, and now refuses to see his substance abuse counselor. But I love him so much and losing him to alcoholism is crushing me. I talk a good game of "knowledge is power", staying strong, and such, but right now I'm completely defeated.

Chrisy

I am so sorry for your pain. Of course it is gong to be a hard day. You love him and a part of you always will.

It is hard to let go of dreams that you want more then anything to come true.

It is not hopeless!!!

You can still love someone but still set up boundries. Tell him you will always love him and want the best for him; which includes him getting well. Yet you can't be with him or really trust him untill you see him put an effort in living a sober life.

I have ptsd and yesterday in group we were talking about healthy and unhealthy boundries.

love
Chrisy

Tuffgirl

Big hugs - good for you for recognizing you need some alone time to grieve today. It's ok to feel like sh!t during times like these. I allow myself to have those moments, feel them fully, and let them go as quickly as I can.

And each day they get a little less intense.

Take good care today,
~T

Thumper

:ghug3

Freedom1990

My EXAH and I were already separated by our first wedding anniversary. I am so sorry for your pain.

Sending you gentle hugs of support!

Learn2Live

I am sorry mmk11. I am sorry you got so emotionally involved with this person. I too got emotionally involved. Had everything, my entire life, wrapped up in him. I too have the tears at work that just come with no warning. I too have the breakdowns where it feels like I am being torn in two. I know the love and the attachment and the hope for the future that you struggle with. But I also know that with time it will get better. I promise you. Just breathe.

DefofLov

I just want to show my support and to let you know I care. You are not alone. And I can guarantee that if you keep coming here and if you attend Al-Anon, it will get better.

Big hugs!

Love and Light,

Lily

FireSprite

:ghug3 I'm sorry you're having such a rough day!

SuzyMarie

(((HUGS))) mmk11 - just wanted to let you know that you are not alone. Some days I feel so strong and positive, and others the tears come out of nowhere. Grief is a process and we need to ride it out and administer lots of self love and care.

mmk11

Thanks everyone for your kind words. I'm grateful to have a place like this for support when I need it most. Sometimes I feel when talking to my friends and family that I put up a facade of temporary strength or indifference. Today though I'm allowing myself to feel my feelings. I've kept pretty busy with reading, being with people, and doing things, that I put off actually *feeling*. Just two days ago I told my friend, "I'm sad but I can't cry." today I'm sad and crying. I'm trying not to have a pity party for myself but I'm letting myself have those pessimistic and negative (and ridiculous thoughts like "I wish it were raining today instead of being so beautiful") thoughts as they come. I know I need time. I know it's sick of me to want my husband to feel as much pain as I am at the moment.
I will get to a place where I don't think these sick thoughts, but that day is not today.

Magee

BD days are like bad hair days. You can cut the locks and they can grow back healthier and stronger. You are expected to have those days. I have had them far too long and am ridding myself of the terrible demons. The hardest days are holidays and days of remembrance. Give yourself,a gift on these days and open it up and smile because you know something inside is going to be beautiful.

kudzujean

I was in emotional pain recently, so I know what you're saying.

Remember, "this too shall pass," and it will.

mmk11

Anvil, you made me laugh, really laugh with this! Fantastic, thank you. I will do my best to make the most of today

Re: business: fortunately with how my (we have no joint accounts) accounts are set up he cannot make any changes/withdrawals without his client's/my authorization. I intend to close the accounts at some point in the future.