Ti Wally

Forgive me as I'm green at ALL of this. Even though I have my own online business, unlike my kids that are chatting online all the time, I have never participated in any type of chat room.
I am also new in the department of trying to find some help for my husband and his drinking problem. We have all (entire family) experienced this (particularly keenly in the past 3 years when his life didn't take the track he had anticipated) and acknowledge amongst ourselves Dad's problem in that it appears he must drink (and usually to excess) every night. Simply writing the word alcoholism is a problem for me, but I fear it is true.
He won't attend AA, nor will he seek counselling and I have no friends (we just moved here 4 years ago and building our business has kept me out of the local social loop) to confide in and seek help....so, here I am. This is really hard but I have been scanning through some of the threads and see there is some good solid support out there and I would really like to cash in on some for me and my family.
He recently admitted that he needs help with his drinking problem, which is a good step, but I don't know if he (with me) alone can beat this. We have a good family and we both love our children more than life itself but I do fear that his drinking issue and associated low self esteem is in the way of our happy and bright future.
Rambling now.
Guess I should send this and take it from there.
Ever hopeful...

Morning Glory

Welcome Ti Wally,

I'm so glad you are here sharing with us.

We have a wonderful support family here and we don't have to do this alone.

Make yourself at home and keep checking back for replies. Others will be along shortly.

Hugs,
MG

Ti Wally

MG,
your simple message of welcome has reduced me to tears. I can't believe it has taken me this long to realize that I could find some help annonomously. Guess it came to me in chatting with my son who is a part of a couple of forums. At first I thought it would be a good thing to do for my business and just yesterday it came to me that perhaps there was something there for me in this deeply personal drama that I am feeling so helpless in.
What I don't understand is how such an intelligent and willful person such as my husband can be so blind and seemingly unable to deal with what has become a serious crutch to him. I love him with all my heart and know he is good, but I want him to be the best he can be....JUST that which we pound into our children be it in their school work or sport they participate in.
Thank you so very much.
Ti Wally

Morning Glory

I really know how you feel. My son is an alcoholic and it just makes me so very sad. I also want nothing, but the best for him. Alcoholism is the disease of denial and we can't bring them out of it. I tried everything for 10 years and found I was powerless to help.

I can look around on these boards though and find that there are many alcoholics and addicts in recovery so there is always hope for those we love. We can also learn new ways to cope so we don't have to live in their addiction with them.

Please read the power posts at the top of the nar-anon and al-anon boards here. There is also a post on addiction and relationships that might help explain some of it. It's also at the top.

You're not alone anymore. All my support was on this board. It changed my life and hopefully it will add to yours too. If you decide later that you want face to face support you can also try an al-anon meeting in your area.

It does get better.

Hugs,
MG

LivingWithHope

It's funny how we can be anonymous somewhere yet feel so loved and welcome. I truly believe you will feel that here, b/c I have so often! I encourage you to start reading CoDependent No More. That book alone changed my outlook and thinking on the addicts disease and began me on my quest for my own recovery in this process. I also encourage you to start focusing more on taking care of you. Seek out an alanon meeting outside of the cyber world if you can. They will do wonders.

The one thing that I am trying to learn is to separate the disease from the man. It's hard most of the time, but it gets easier the more I plug in here and work on my recovery. Although my AH is smart and wonderful and those around him are shocked that he is an A, his disease has taken hold of him and there is nothing I can do to stop him. He needs to be willing to seek recovery, and I'm praying by the grace of God this time it will stick.

I hope you find much wisdom and peace for your drama here!

smoke gets in my eyes

Welcome Ti.

Try not to get all hung up in the way your husband decides to quit drinking. The number one way that people quit is to just quit. The substance abuser in my life used therapy to help him and went breifly to a group that was not 12 step oriented. He's had his ups and downs like anyone, but really seems to be doing well now. My brother "just quit". We can't know what the right road for someone else will be.

I'm so glad you found us. Make yourself right at home.

Hugs,
Smoke

Justme57

Hi Ti and welcome to SR!

While I cannot really help you with your problem, ( I am a recovering Alcoholic) I can and do wish you well in your quest for support .

There are many very wise and loving people here , who will be only too willing to offer you advice and loving support 1

I hope you enjoy SR

HUGx from downunder

Lee

tangotoo

Hi Ti

Welcome to this wonderful forum, everybody here understands about this disease first hand and they have so much love and support to give - I'm new here myself and can't believe how much it helps to be able to vent the frustration to people who have stood and are standing in my shoes.

I too have a wonderful, intelligent and loving husband who drinks every night. Two wonderful boys who love him dearly and for a long time I couldn't understand how our love was not enough to stop him drinking. He holds down a job, is popular with friends (he very rarely gets drunk- he just drinks) no one would believe he has a problem (he certainly doesn't).

Check back in here often you will find endless advice, love and understanding

Welcome Ti

Tangotoo

lyn_blossom78

Welcome Ti!

So glad you found us! Make yourself at home.

Hugs, Lyn

Ti Wally

OK, I posted a lengthy reply entitled Thank you (or something similar) and I can't find it. THe novice online chatter admits to mucking it up... Any help in locating my message appreciated. A good day to all.
Ti wally

Magichappens

Welcome! While the best scenario is the whole family in recovery, one moto of Al-anon is "Let it begin with me." Al-anon promises that we can find serenity whether the alcoholic continues to drink or not. May I suggest that you find an Al-anon meeting nearby. The isolation you described is something we have all experienced. The best friends I have ever had I have met in Al-anon. Hope you don't feel quite as alone now that you've reached out and found others reaching too. Peace, Magic

Gabe

Welcome to the fam!
Many people who are involved with an alcoholic and/or substance abuser find that they have forgotten about taking care of themselves. But good for you, you remembered and finding this forum was the first step in the right direction.
Glad you found us, stick around.
Peace,
Gabe

Ti Wally

Ok,
It appears I lost what was a rather lengthy message that I wrote earlier today, so will try (maybe a shorter version) again.

I remain touched and overwhelmed by the support offered and now just after reading something on the alanon board see that the behavior patterns of my husband certainly aren't unique....ie, the ranting, the name calling, obsenities and wanting to pick a fight. He had been really pretty good (still drinking his 2 bottles of wine/night but not getting riled and crazed) until this past weekend when something set him off and it was same old same old which has been pretty much the norm on at least a weekly basis for the past couple of years. I chose to ignore (rather than engage) and that did enrage him. Went to another part of the house (emptying the contents of the 3rd bottle of wine he had just started first) and left him to himself until he fell asleep. Gratefully he locked me out of our bedroom and actually (unlike most nights) didn't come and talk at me throughout the night. For that I was grateful...although I kept imagining him doing so all throughout the night.
Next day he snapped out of it and apologized, saying he didn't know why he went crazy again, after almost 2 months of sanity.
What I don't understand is why we are their whipping board? And why I feel responsible thinking I should be the one making changes etc.

There have been suggestions for me to attend Al Anon...an impossibility. I would have to do covertly and as we work our own business together there is no way for me to make this happen. He won't accept outside help and I don't know that I have enough to be the sole support and I guess that's why I'm here.

He has admitted he has a problem but appears to lack the handles and/or desire to go through what it would take to make the change.

It has been a very recent phenomenon (and I guess why I finally came to a place like this) that I am able to seperate his problem with alcohol with his other problems, which fester and enhance themselves when he is under the influence.

We have so much greatness in our family, business and life and I am just not interested in spending so much time and energy in what seems an endless battle. If so dependent on this substance how can he truly be the best he can be....that mantra which we preach to our children. IE, you don't have to be the best but be sure you are doing YOUR best.

Ti wally

Gabe

Why are we their whipping boards?
There are a lot of possible answers to this question.
1) Because we allow ourselves to be
2) Because it is a byproduct of the disease
3) Because they need to blame others to take the blame off of themselves
In Spicoli's heyday, I felt like The Allman Brothers song "Tied To The Whipping Post" was my theme song.
Here's the lyrics (I change the gender when I sing it, so I changed them here). And the best part of me has to add that you are only tied to the whipping post as long as you let yourself be tied there. But Gabe still loves to sing the blues, so let's have a Codie sing-a-long:

"I been run down, I been lied to,
I don't know why I let that mean man make me a fool.
He took all my money, wrecked my new car.
Now he's with one of my goodtime buddies,
They're drinkin' in some crosstown bar.

Sometimes I feel, sometimes I feel,
Like I been tied to the whipping post,
Tied to the whipping post,
Tied to the whipping post,
Good Lord, I feel like I'm dyin'.

My friends tell me, that I've been such a fool,
And I have to stand by and take it baby, all for lovin' you.
Drown myself in sorrow, and I look at what you've done.
But nothin' seems to change, the bad times stay the same,
And I can't run.

Sometimes I feel, sometimes I feel,
Like I been tied to the whipping post
Tied to the whipping post,
Tied to the whipping post,
Good Lord, I feel like I'm dyin'.

Sometimes I feel, sometimes I feel,
Like I been tied to the whipping post
Tied to the whipping post,
Tied to the whipping post,
Good Lord, I feel like I'm dyin'."

sdp

I can understand your reluctance to say the "A" word.. When i first started analyzing my hub's drinking problem, it took me a while to face it. After I got used to it, it was easier.
Same with codependancy. I was horrified when someone called me that.. However, again, after thinking on it and getting used to the idea, I accepted it.
It takes time to face these unpleasant concepts, but it DOES get easier.

Ti Wally

Having a hard time working these days, due to my preoccupation with this recent admittance (to myself) of the seriousness of my husband's condition. Really can't afford for this to last long as I am THE sales force that drives our business...so must get on with it.
Trying to muster strength in the knowledge of the fact that I can indeed count on myself and similarly that the kids (and husband) can always count on me. This is ok, although I would like for my husband to get back in the game and I think him quitting would do that.

I have to pick him up at the airport next week. He will be expecting me to have a beer in the car for him and if I "forget" that I would be expected to have something at home for him. Not having would be construed as being thoughtless.

So, either I feign forgetfulness and am deemed thoughtless or I go straight for the punch and advise that I am no longer going to participate in this drama.

Last question. Is there any middle road here or is it definitively an all or nothing deal, ie, can they be a "social" drinker if you will? Maybe I'm just looking for some wiggle room in the negotiations...

ti

12 Step Girl

Hi Ti,

Sadly, for an alcoholic there is no way of having socialized or control drinking. They may try it on their own ,to control drinking like only on weekends will I drink, or only wine will I drink, or only 2 drinks this time. This is how they try to convince themselves they are not alcoholic and in control. Inevitably they always regress to their "normal" pattern...and then they progress.

This is a progressive disease,,,if he is drinking 2 bottles a night now, it will escalte to 3, 4, 5 etc in time.

There is a saying in AA "One drink is too much and 1,000 is never enough"> Once al AA has the FIRST drink, there is no stopping til they have no more alcohol, pass out, black out etc. The drink caused them to go into insanity, or perhaps the thought of drink does. The only power to remove the compuslion is a Higher Power (for me, its God). Only can he find his higher power is when he finally suurenders,,,totally and completely and asks for help.

Guess what? The same exact thing applies to us,,the codies (codependents). The obsessing over him, his drinking, whetering to bring him that beer in the car, have it at home,,,these are are symptoms of the insanity of alcoholism. I think you may already know the logical answer to whether you should or should not supply his beer, however, the fear (by product of insantiy) is overwhelming you with "what if I DONT bring it"? The fear of his anger, of not being supportive etc. When we do things for the A that he can and should do for himself, we are enabling his disease, further hurting him. If you dont like supplying his beer, you have the power of choice,,you can or cannot do it. He may be mad, but hey, arent you mad at "having" to do it?

Do something for YOU today, get to a meeting,,hear what others have gone thru, u will find you are not alone and others whave walked this path,,Im one of them.

I wish you love and luck and hope you willkeep coming back. It does get better!!

Cecilia

I used to be in your shoes. I hated conflict and arguing so I would do just about anything to avoid it. It took me awhile but I finally figured it out. You have two choices. You can either leave or detach and go about your business. Actually you have a third but I didnt like that choice. You can be miserable. ;-)

Even if youre willing to sit and hold their glass while they drink they will still find something. Because they NEED to find something. Youre not holding it right.
Its not you. Its them. Sometimes its hard to remember that in the thick of it.

The more you try to control someone the more control they have over you. You cant make him stop. If you get upset he drinks. If you dont get upset he drinks. He drinks. He'll quit when hes ready. Not when youre ready.

So as far as the beer goes. It upsets you so dont have it there. From what youve posted if hes drinks hes going to be in a mood anyway. So theres no benifit to you. Youre just postponing it.

Summer

Welcome and keep coming back.
"Getting Them Sober" books by Toby Drews and going to Alanon has helped me alot. I have been going to Alanon for 2 years now and finally have serenity in my life. My A recently started to get help as well.
Summer

patti z

I was so undecided as to what I was going to do about my alcoholic. After reading books about Alcoholism I knew that I had to go on with my life no matter what he did.
I do feel awful that he has such a bad disease and that he refuses to get help or even admit that he has an addiction.
It really was very simple...I could no longer live like that. I think that all the things that happened in the past made me realize that it didn't matter rather we stayed together or not. Too many things had built up and our relationship would never be the same. It had simply gone too far to ever be saved. There are just to many memories that I cannot forget.
I feel like..OK blame it all on me. Because I got the blame for everything anyway. But all the times that he was blacked out and doesn't remember what he did...quess what I remember all too well and I refuse to ever be like that again. Life is not easy as it is but to live in the world of an alcoholic is just to much to bear. I read that an alcoholic will and build up a beautiful world and then sit back and watch it all crumble. Then start all over again. I would like to warn the world what it is like to live with an alcoholic ...what it is really like.
I think we all make our way through this life and maybe some people can endure more than others...but If I had to live with an alcoholic then there is no doubt in my mind that I would have to be one also. That would be the only way that I could cope with it....being an alcoholic means that you don't have to cope you just go escape. I did escape to a normal life. Yes indeed what was I thinking!! If you think that you can save your marriage then GOD be with you. But if you think that you fear being alone in the world then fear not because their are so many of us that have been in your shoes. That is a pair of shoes that just don't fit anymore.
The saying "Let them lay" fits so well. Let them wake up in the world that they created..maybe they will finally see that maybe that is not the world that they really want and maybe they will finally do something about it. If they wake up and find you still there then their world hasn't changed. Whatever you do and whatever decision that you come to...do it for you!! Prayers
go out to you from everyone that has already been there!! Patti