Reaching out...
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2012
Posts: 2
Reaching out...
I have never really put my thoughts or feelings into writing pertaining to my alcoholic mother.
All I know is that she has been drunk every night since I can remember.
Before my brain could imprint memories my parents were separated and eventually divorced. Growing up my mother was never physically or verbally abusive towards me and from what I've gathered from other posts I've read I'm extremely lucky. I had a nanny that took care of me. She would be there in the morning before I went to school and she would be there when I got home from school - up until about the 4th or 5th grade. From then on I took care of myself. I woke myself up for school, showered, made myself breakfast and then woke my mother so she could get ready for work. She could hold a job but got absolutely smashed every night. I think this is what is called a "functional" alcoholic. The weekends were the worst because she would sleep until 2 or 3 in the afternoon (she said she had migraines) and when she woke up she would start drinking again - I hated it. She used to smoke cigarettes as well but eventually quit. That was quite a milestone. I figured the drinking would be next! It wasn't. We had a brief conversation about her drinking when I was in the 8th grade but it ended with her talking in circles and - well - that was the end of that conversation. Her drinking was never brought up again.
I'm in my late 20's now and had to move back in to help with bills.
She is still getting completely wasted every night.
I find myself getting very short and frustrated with her when she is drunk and I can BARELY tolerate her presence in that state.
She has never ever gotten help - nor do I think that she will EVER even entertain the idea. An intervention would be out of the question.
I feel like a hypocrite when I drink with friends and get drunk.
Is there anyone else out there like me?
How do I deal with these emotions?
I don't know why tonight was the tipping point for me to reach out and find people to talk to but I hope that some good will come out of it.
Thanks,
Frustrated
All I know is that she has been drunk every night since I can remember.
Before my brain could imprint memories my parents were separated and eventually divorced. Growing up my mother was never physically or verbally abusive towards me and from what I've gathered from other posts I've read I'm extremely lucky. I had a nanny that took care of me. She would be there in the morning before I went to school and she would be there when I got home from school - up until about the 4th or 5th grade. From then on I took care of myself. I woke myself up for school, showered, made myself breakfast and then woke my mother so she could get ready for work. She could hold a job but got absolutely smashed every night. I think this is what is called a "functional" alcoholic. The weekends were the worst because she would sleep until 2 or 3 in the afternoon (she said she had migraines) and when she woke up she would start drinking again - I hated it. She used to smoke cigarettes as well but eventually quit. That was quite a milestone. I figured the drinking would be next! It wasn't. We had a brief conversation about her drinking when I was in the 8th grade but it ended with her talking in circles and - well - that was the end of that conversation. Her drinking was never brought up again.
I'm in my late 20's now and had to move back in to help with bills.
She is still getting completely wasted every night.
I find myself getting very short and frustrated with her when she is drunk and I can BARELY tolerate her presence in that state.
She has never ever gotten help - nor do I think that she will EVER even entertain the idea. An intervention would be out of the question.
I feel like a hypocrite when I drink with friends and get drunk.
Is there anyone else out there like me?
How do I deal with these emotions?
I don't know why tonight was the tipping point for me to reach out and find people to talk to but I hope that some good will come out of it.
Thanks,
Frustrated
Member
Join Date: Jan 2011
Location: Anchorage, Alaska
Posts: 4,719
Welcome to SR, Mako. My first thought is Al-Anon would be super helpful to you right now. If you have to live with your Mother right now, you'll need some good skills in your tool box to employ so you don't throttle her one night out of sheer frustration (exaggerating for effect, of course!)
My alcoholic that brought me here was my husband, so I am not the best to reply as to how to handle it when it is a parent-child dynamic. Many others here can handle that for me.
What I can say is we have what we call the three C's here: We don't cause them to drink, we can't control it, and we can't cure it. Feels a bit hopeless when put that way, but the real hope is not that we make someone stop self destructing and go on to be the person we want them to be - its how we can change our own perspectives to live our lives with our alcoholic loved ones without our own self destruction.
Welcome, and keep coming back!
~T
My alcoholic that brought me here was my husband, so I am not the best to reply as to how to handle it when it is a parent-child dynamic. Many others here can handle that for me.
What I can say is we have what we call the three C's here: We don't cause them to drink, we can't control it, and we can't cure it. Feels a bit hopeless when put that way, but the real hope is not that we make someone stop self destructing and go on to be the person we want them to be - its how we can change our own perspectives to live our lives with our alcoholic loved ones without our own self destruction.
Welcome, and keep coming back!
~T
peaceful seabird
Join Date: Sep 2008
Location: floating
Posts: 4,822
Hi Mako, and welcome to SR!
Please make yourself at home by reading and posting as much as needed. We are here to support you.
I also agree that Alanon will help you. The meetings are free ( a basket is usually passed for a dollar donation to offset costs of meeting site), and the meetings are based on the same 12 steps of AA but tailored to meet the needs of friends and family of alcoholics.
You may also want to post your story in another part of SR. The Adult Children of Alcoholics section is also available. Here is a link to that main page: Adult Children of Addicted/Alcoholic Parents - SoberRecovery : Alcoholism Drug Addiction Help and Information
If you live in a large community, you may be able to find ACOA meetings in your community for face to face support.
And this is a link that helped me while I was living with active alcoholism in my home:
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...l-problem.html
Please make yourself at home by reading and posting as much as needed. We are here to support you.
I also agree that Alanon will help you. The meetings are free ( a basket is usually passed for a dollar donation to offset costs of meeting site), and the meetings are based on the same 12 steps of AA but tailored to meet the needs of friends and family of alcoholics.
You may also want to post your story in another part of SR. The Adult Children of Alcoholics section is also available. Here is a link to that main page: Adult Children of Addicted/Alcoholic Parents - SoberRecovery : Alcoholism Drug Addiction Help and Information
If you live in a large community, you may be able to find ACOA meetings in your community for face to face support.
And this is a link that helped me while I was living with active alcoholism in my home:
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...l-problem.html
Member
Join Date: Jun 2012
Location: minnesota
Posts: 272
Hi Mako! how wonderful you have reached out and you will find help here. when i started reading your post, i imagined that it was my daughter writing about me. and how she must have felt. the part that hit home was when you mentioned that when you brought up her drinking, the conversation went around in circles, etc. I also evaded every mention of my drinking, either that, or i just freaked out and got defensive...huge pity party, table for one..me..."i'm broke, i'm stressed, my job, my boss"...whatever. my kids also, i realize now, minced around me, not wanting to anger me, or set off another freak out moment, they kept all their problems and woes to themselves. even if they would write me a letter, i would read it, then set it aside and forget about it because it contained things that were not pleasant and things that i didnt want to hear or deal with, at that time. i believe alanon would be good for you, like the others have said. there's so much that goes on in an alcoholic's mind...for me there was very low self esteem, insecurities, social anxiety. my thoughts about myself were not good. since i felt so badly about myself, i didnt feel worthy to be in a position of authority over my kids. i had no self respect, therefore expected none from anyone else, even my kids. i didn't try to excel in anything, even being a mom. anyway, i could go on and on but i just want to tell you you are a good daughter to be reaching out like this, i can't really give any good advise but i just want to say God bless you, Mako, and i hope and pray your mom will reach that place that moves her to get help. also i just wanted to mention i sobered up 2.5 years ago, and it makes me get tears in my eyes to write this but all my kids love me a lot and my daughter and i are best friends now. miracles can happen.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2012
Posts: 2
Thank you everyone for responding! I have found a local Al Anon group that meets somewhat close to where I live. I don't know if I have to courage to go there just yet though. Also, I am a little leery of the 12 step program because I am not at all religious. Although I think it would be nice to be able to talk to people who are coming from the same background as me. When I talk to my friends about my mom I make it into a joke. I get the satisfaction of venting but play off the seriousness of the situation and how much it affects me with humor.
@tuffgirl - thank you for being the first to respond! I was dreading that no one would respond. your words brought me comfort
@Learn2live - I have been warned repeatedly by my father that alcoholism runs on both sides of my family and when I lived by myself I have had my fair share of binge drinking alone - since moving back and meeting positive new friends in a new city this has put a new perspective on why I engaged in negative behavior.
I think I'm going find even more positive influences and positive feedback from this forum! Thanks!
@tuffgirl - thank you for being the first to respond! I was dreading that no one would respond. your words brought me comfort
@Learn2live - I have been warned repeatedly by my father that alcoholism runs on both sides of my family and when I lived by myself I have had my fair share of binge drinking alone - since moving back and meeting positive new friends in a new city this has put a new perspective on why I engaged in negative behavior.
I think I'm going find even more positive influences and positive feedback from this forum! Thanks!
To thine own self be true.
Join Date: May 2009
Location: U.S.A.
Posts: 5,924
Mako, I was not, and still don't consider myself, "religious." Al-Anon is not a religion but it does use some spiritual things to help you. When you go to Al-Anon, you do not have to say or do anything that you do not want to say or do. Usually, they say the Serenity Prayer (which shows at the bottom of all my posts). And most groups will hold hands in a circle and say the Lord's Prayer out loud at the end. I personally will stand and hold hands but I will not say the Lord's Prayer because it makes me uncomfortable. No one ever says anything to me or looks at me strange or anything. There, you are free to be you and accept and not accept whatever is in your heart to do. We have a saying in Al-Anon, "Take what you like and leave the rest." When you first hear this, it is rather curious. But once you start going you realize that taking what you like and leaving the rest is actually a LESSON. A lesson about self and protecting self, and making ALL the decisions for yourself. It teaches you to follow your own heart and your own head. At least, that's what practicing "Take what you like and leave the rest" has taught me. Please go. I promise you you will find something there that you never knew existed.
Many experts say that alcoholism and addiction are spiritual diseases. And I feel this is true. Al-Anon has helped me to develop an Acceptance that there is a Higher Power in this universe, one who can help you to cope with your problems and give you strength. And every person is free to choose who and what their own Higher Power is.
Many experts say that alcoholism and addiction are spiritual diseases. And I feel this is true. Al-Anon has helped me to develop an Acceptance that there is a Higher Power in this universe, one who can help you to cope with your problems and give you strength. And every person is free to choose who and what their own Higher Power is.
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