Learn2Live

Today it is helping me to keep reminding myself how EVERYTHING A&AXBF talked about for our life together was an absolute pipe dream. All the plans we discussed for the future, all the promises he made, all the things we planned to do from buying a nice house in a big neighborhood, to starting his own business, to travelling to France, ALL OF IT was a pipe dream. He never made any real progress on any of it. He couldn't even get it together enough to apply for a passport. And do you know he blamed THAT on his XW too? While supposed to be working on his business plan, he was playing on FaceBook!!!! I couldn't understand what was going on and kept blaming his weird behavior on ADD. But I realize now that 30 years of drug and alcohol abuse takes a toll on a person and can really keep them from achieving their potential. Duh.

And do you know I believed everything he said right up and through him walking out on me? I am amazed at my own stupidity.

shawty80

i got tears in my eyes reading your words. i've been struggling with this realization today, and feeling the fool for believing he wanted a life and a family with me. i couldn't quite figure out how to label it, but you hit the nail on the head with the phrase, "pipe dream." how true that is!!!

thank you!

misty

Left

It wasn't a pipe dream for you, you can still have those plans. He's messed his life up and your past don't let this effect your future! There is a perfectly clear beach in front of you, you decide where to tread and where and whether it's by yourself, with another or with a significant other....it's still blank and only you can make the foot prints.

Hope you find your beach
Love and blessings

EnglishGarden

I identify very much with the "I thought it was the ADD." It was so hard for me to know what part of the erratic behavior was possible secret relapse, or brain damage affecting a clean guy, or ADD.

My mind is still spinning.

Learn2Live

Long and short of it is, take the "with me" part out of the equation. Because it's nothing to do with me. A&AXBF's capabilities are limited; likely your XBF's are too. His inability to live the kind of life we talked about had nothing to do with me. And love certainly does NOT conquer all. I know my XBF loved me. But he was incapable of having a healthy relationship, especially because he is so emotionally immature. They stop maturing when they start using and cannot even begin to mature until they stop. Jeez what a mess they make of themselves.

LifeRecovery

This is part of what is scary to me about being in another relationship. I really fell for the words instead of the actions previously.

My exAH and I talked about marrying, working hard, qualifying for tests that we needed professionally and then moving, hiking for a summer etc. I really was looking forward to it and worked on it hard for my end. I am not enamored with where I live, but I knew I could work for another few years because that dream was there in the future.

I qualified, but my exAH never did. Actually he never even studied for his tests.

At the end he blamed me for a lot of this not reaching our dreams, and actually told me one of the most hurtful things I am trying to get over now of "You gave up nothing to be in this relationship." I know it is not true, but it hurts that he probably believes it.

I don't want to not have dreams, I just want to not fall for the words next time.

Thanks for bringing this up. It is helping me.

EnglishGarden

Liferecovery,

In "Getting Them Sober," the counselor says that it is the best part of us, the finest most successful most admirable part of us, that the alcoholic distorts into what, the alcoholic says, is worst about us.

Learn2Live

Erratic Behavior over here too. I worked pretty hard trying to help him clean up his messes but he just kept making them. Always so hyper I couldn't tell if it was ADD, bipolar mania, or cocaine. He became my live-in handyman and lawn maintenance person who would never settle down, could never plan anything with me ahead of time, everything happened spur of the moment. I just can't live my life that way. I have to have routine and predictability written in to most of my days; I have responsibilities. What a nightmare.

LaTeeDa

I've learned that this kind of thinking is a trap. And it's one I fell for too many times. Not that HE trapped me, I did. I just kept thinking if I could endure whatever it was for a while longer, then everything would be great. That's how my mom lived.

Whether it's lies, promises, or just wishes, there really is no way to control the future. I spent twenty years of my life waiting for that dream future that never came. Only when I let go of that tunnel vision did I finally start to enjoy life--NOW. However the future turns out will be okay because I am making the most of the PRESENT.

L

Learn2Live

This is why I am working my program, working on Boundaries, and am working with a therapist to have a game plan for the next time. One thing I do know is that you have to take it slow (which I tried to do but had weak boundaries and could not stand my ground). When you meet someone new, you have to give it at least a year before you make any decisions or plans together or give your heart away. Because it can take at least that long before the oxytocin wears off. Then, you wake up and wonder what the heck you ever saw in the person to begin with. And so do they.

Chrissy44

Oh please don't think it was your "stupidity"! :ghug3 When I told my story I was shocked at how many people said "Oh I've been there too..." My nurses, a lawyer, a famous surgeon, a pretty badass female CEO...not a stupid one among us.

I think we all have flaws and we've all made mistakes. You did the best you could with the information you had at the time. You viewed the person you were with as trustworthy and you tried to see the best in people. You've recognized where you might do things differently and you're taking steps to proceed differently in the future. That is really the best and smartest thing any of us can do!

LifeRecovery

Honestly I don't even trust myself with new friendships right now. I behave in similar ways in them also though perhaps the stakes are not as high.

LifeRecovery

I would completely agree with that.

It is funny I loved where I was prior to getting married, and actually don't dislike it as much now that I am back on my own. A lot of it for me was that I was actually able to say to him (the day we got engaged). "I don't want to live in "xxxxx" long-term. This is important to me and I want you to know it upfront." He agreed and off to the races we went. Later it was like this conversation never happened for him, but I had put so much meaning on it and subsequent conversations.

I had not been able to say things like that prior to that time in my life. Alcohol became part of the picture and I spent the whole time trying to figure out how to say what I needed without upsetting him (and if I did upset him then I had failed to communicate it properly). As a result I dropped what was important to me.

I think that is why being in "xxxxx" is not so hard anymore. It is working for now, and it does not have to work forever as I don't feel trapped and feel like I have a plethora of other options for myself when the time is right.

I do have a pattern in my life of being stoic and keeping a stiff upper lip and working hard to push through it. I am hopeful that further recovery helps me to include options of joy, fun etc as it is those that continue to remain elusive and I think is part of this pattern for me.

L2L sorry to hijack this thread on you.

LifeRecovery

Just thanks for this.

This has been so hard for me. I was working my own recovery and trying to be so honest and forthright for the first time in my life when he came into my life. It was hard to feel like that was not all wrong when it all hit the fan. I feel like all of the parts I was worried about when we got together (and shared with him), were kind of thrown back at me when we separated.

Luckily I am truly starting to separate out what is mine and what is not from this and it is getting easier every day.

Not that I want this to happen to everyone, but it is nice to realize that I am not alone in this being done to me.

Seren

(((L2L))) I'm so sorry that you feel your dreams have died, but I think they can still live--in you and with you and for you. Maybe there is some way you can make these dreams of travel and nice home come true--just for you.

Thumper

I really relate to your post. It was so hard for me to accept that all the dreams and plans I thought we shared were just never going to happen. Years and years I lived with that hope and wish and nothing came of it yet I would not accept. My heart hurts right now just remembering it all. Like putting all my dreams in my hand and opening it in the wind and realizing there is just nothing there. They are gone but were maybe never there to begin with.

Learn2Live

Thanks but no need to apologize. You didn't hijack anything.

jessiec

LTL, I really want to thank you personally for you sharing this and for being so honest and caring toward me. I very much relate to your story, and I admire your strength so much.

I am struggling with similar realizations. All that talk we had about having a family, etc was talk. This was a man who hated his job (a good one, but nevertheless, not what he wanted to be doing. In all the time we were together, he never sent out ONE resume! Not ONE! He spent all his time in binge and self-pity mode. Sadly, if the Alcoholics in our lives invested half the energy of their drinking in productive arenas, how much they'd accomplish. Same is try of me -- how. Uh more would I have accomplished had I not spent so much time worrying about/being upset by his drinking!

Learn2Live

Thank you Jessie. And you are most welcome. I'm so grateful we are going through this together. We are going to be alright. (((hugs)))

wicked

OMG! Before I read any responses, this is me too! Just a different dream, now, it never comes up. OMG!

Now, I am going to read what everyone else said to help you. It will help me too!

Beth