Achara

So glad I found you!! well i finally set boundaries with an abusive stepsister who is also a closet addict of some sort!! Having come from a blended family I saw first hand the insidious disease of alcoholism ruin our family. Firsy my stepmother, manipulative and abusive and eventually 8 out of 10 children have become I call them "ics" my father was not one but he never stood up to them . Now that my parents are gone I feel that i do not have to put up with sibling BS. This person thinks my condo is a summer resort for her and her son, never contacts me during the year, just tells me she is coming fo 3 weeks, uses my car stays out until 3om. sleeps till noon flopped all over my condo and takes it over, I have to hide in my room. I said NO MORE!! and she accusses me of being selfish. I was so upset i went to the blessed mother statue and said please take this away from me i have had a lifetime of this crap!! As i was riding my bicycle i heard Tell her the truth! i did i told her she was mean abusive and used people and acted just like her mother when she drank!! I took care of my sick parents till they died and my other alcoholc sister who died at 54 in a nursing home ! I told her I am done!! I am single self sufficient and it just seems like they dump on me!! WHo helps us or supports us?? I finally feel free of this crap!! and hope to God I meet people who do not take hostages anymore!!

chicory

Good for you!!!

Glad you are here, too!

hugs
chicory

EveningRose

(((Achara)))

Good for you!

I've done the same thing, and it's been a long road and will continue to be, but I have yet to see a better alternative. She should not have been taking advantage of you.

Achara

I have read so much about all of this and thought I had really been done with all of this! Somehow these situations reoccur and I feel like I am being tested again. Boundaries have helped me take care of myself. Many of the ics try to call us selfish and self absorbed which is funny because we have spent our lives cleaning up their messes. I am still single I am really terrified of being in a relationship with an "ic" . I do not want to repeat any of this, I believe this is what has driven me to be self sufficient, knowing I can take care of myself. The down side is it is hard to find healthy people that understand this stuff!! I hope there are others out there that have come full circle and want a better life for themselves! I dont agree with all of the ACOA traits or codependency traits. I think many of us have some of them but not all and I think in many cases when you are out of these relationships with the "ics* you do not exhibit these behaviors at all. SO my solitude is peaceful and serene i would not trade it to be with an ic for anything. The next step is finding the healthy counterpart to me!!

dollydo

Good job!

Achara

I just wondered if anyone else can relate to what I am saying and would love to hear from you!!

EveningRose

Yes, I can relate entirely to this. I finally cut ties and when AF asked why, could give him a long detailed list of ugly, hurtful, belittling words, emotional abuse, threats, screaming rages, things being thrown at me, choking me...much of it from him, some from siblings. No, of course I'm not perfect, but I have worked hard at learning a more peaceful and harmonious way of living than what I witnessed growing up; at keeping my temper and finding the good in people; at shrugging off the irritating things they do.

After I'd done years of work on myself, shrugged off enough incidents and catty words, there was a last straw. I stopped going to family functions, and yes, I have been called every name in the book by mother, father, and two of the three siblings. The third sibling has just encouraged me to repair the damage (HOW???) and when I didn't try to rebuild the bridge they burned this time, that sibling also essentially cut contact with me.

I do believe I've come full circle to a better life for myself. I have to head out for work and don't want to lose this, but I'll finish when I get back and talk more about that.

tromboneliness

Since this isn't an official 12-step meeting, I can recommend my favorite non-conference-approved self-help book: When I Say No, I Feel Guilty, by Manuel J. Smith. It's about using assertiveness training to develop the ability to say NO without feeling guilty, and generally stop letting people walk all over you. It came out in the '70s and sold millions, so you can get it just about anywhere. The great thing is that it's very specific, right down to having actual dialogs that you can practice before you "try them out" on a real adversary. I've tried them, and they work!

T

EveningRose

I have questioned at times on this board whether we ever really come full circle and heal completely, but definitely there are thousands or millions of us here, on other forums, and at al-anon and ACOA meetings all over the country who want a better life.


I agree that not all ACOAs show all the traits. I was married to another ACOA, and he is entirely different from me. He shows many of the traits, including especially the lying, even when it would be just as easy to tell the truth. I've seen him come up on the spot with a lie when there was absolutely no reason to lie.

I think the difference between him and me is that I have been pursuing self-help books since high school. I've been actively searching for ways to help myself, change bad habits, examine myself and root out the things that are hurting me or others. I've gone to al-anon (although not for long), and I've gone to individual counseling. He's done none of this.

Best of luck in finding someone healthy. I believe that the healthier we are, the healthier we attract, and the less likely we are to want to fix other people. Because we've put in the work ourselves, we know it can be done and are less willingly to set ourselves up as victims in the name of 'sympathy.'

Kialua

LOL I love your *ics* you have succinctly described the situation. My sibs and I have generally mutually agreed to not be in each others lives very much if at all. I don't get involved with any ics and stay far from it. I don't drink after abusing it in high school and I've found that keeps me in sane company more or less.

I whole heartedly agree with "Tell them the truth". I have always done that. One of two thing happen. Either they listen and manage to get free, or they get mad and you are done with them. Win Win in my book.

Hang in there. Now that you are free of all the craziness or nearly free, you might find more in common with the rest of the Aoca traits than you thought. It takes a while at first when we go no contact to really know our feelings. We have done a lot of balancing acts for so long that we don't really know ourselves. But whatever pace you go if fine.

Welcome

Achara

I have to respectfully disagree with you about the traits. I may relate to 2 of them. I have no fear of authority and I find many of these traits to be really negative. What I do resonate with is how amazingly strong we are to have survived with some of these people in our lives, and have come out the other end much better. I have the red book and the workbook, and I honestly dont relate to half of it. I have been away from the "Ics" for many years this last incident was with someone who lives far away! Alls I can say is living on my own and handling things as they come up, being away from sick people has helped me tremendously. As an adult I have choices and if i start reading all the rheotric from some of these books i find it just brings me down, I'd rather go to yoga, or go for a bike ride then to be at an ACOA Meeting or alanon. It just makes me depressed to see people still stuck in the disease and having to put up with this crap! I know it helps many folks but for me Ill take what I need leave the rest and go for a swim! I just hate to see people get caught up in the "labels" you are who you are, but you don't have to buy into what other people tell you you are because you have experienced the affects of alcoholism amd addiction! We are all unique individuals!!

OhBoy

I definitely know I have ACOA/codie traits & tendencies. I didn't even know I had them for a long time. I met my AW & our disease grew together so beautifully! Then 15 years later I find myself miserable & married to an alcoholic! Looking back I can see more & more how it was just engrained in me to act the way I did. But I didn't know & now I do. So forward I go, step by graceless step!

Achara

I appreciate your story but its not all of our stories! I feel I have the presence of mind, maturity and insight not to go there!! Like i said I am sure this is your truth but it is not mine! We have to respect the fact that people learn and grow! This is where I have issues with these kind of groups it doesnt seem that people grow! I know I have come along way baby! and if i were to write a book about this it would not include labels and traits of folks I dont know or never experienced myself.. its like reading your horoscope very general may apply but it does not give you the tools you need to move on to a happy healthy life!!

dbh

I'm actually confused why you're are here then.

People come here from so many different background after suffering truly horrible things in their childhood. People find healing in many different ways. I don't think that one answer fits all.

To come here and quickly starting criticizing a group that you don't truly understand is insulting.

I'm sorry you have been dealing with "crap" for most of your life. Glad that you feel like you have gotten over it. Is there a way to share your experience, strength, and hope without belittling others?

Thanks,

db

Achara

Sorry if i came across as critical it was certainly not my intention. I just wish there was a way of dealing with this stuff without so many group labels and traits as I find that to be hindering to personal growth. I think it is more important to encourage and empower people than it is to label them with characteristics. I find this self defeating in a way, and sometimes it keeps people in the victim mode. I know people are hurting and need to identify themselves but there is a time when you have to take ownership too! I guess what I am trying to say is there needs to be a shift in thinking and I know it this is the process of healing yourself. I am by no means belittling others I am trying to empower people to understand that when you read information about ACOA traits and all of the other research you need to do so with a discerning mind, some of it maybe true for you and some and maybe all of it may not be, it should not be a life sentence. I hope I clarified this for you!
I am here to discuss these issues and hopefully from my experience shed some light on this painful process with the hope that folks learn, grow and move forward..

DesertEyes

Hello Achara, and pleased to "meet" you

The labels and traits are not for personal growth. They are for identification. Specifically for the newcomers. When a person walks into their very first meeting one of their priorities is whether the people in that particular group will understand where the newcomer is coming from.

In order to simplify and shorten the process of identification those "laundry lists" are provided as a means of establishing context. Nothing more.

Well of course, but only for people who don't move forward into recovery. That's why there are sponsors and book studies and so on, in order to provide tools and resources that will assist in personal growth.

One of the principles of recovery is that the only person who can keep anybody in "victim mode" is themselves. If they want to stay stuck they will twist _anything_ you offer them into something negative.

Exactly right. That is what the 12 steps are for, they are a guideling to facilitate that shift. The last step refers to it as a "spiritual awakening".

I don't know which meetings you have been to. What they are _supposed_ to read at the beginning of each meeting is the "Preamble", where it suggests that people attend at least six _different_ meetings exactly for the purpose you indicate. Perhaps at the meetings you have attended they are skipping that part.

That should also be read at the meeting. It is summarized with the slogan "Take what you like and leave the rest".

Perhaps you have been deprived of meetings that follow the ACoA guidelines closely. From what you have described I suspect you have, unfortunately, been exposed to a very narrow view of this program. You may wish to explore some other meetings, I think you may find some that are far more positive and healthy than what you have described.

Mike