OhBoy

I'm very confused. My AW's alcoholism keeps dragging me back to my AF's drinking. Didn't realize how much junk I had in my head. It's all coming out now. It is very hard to deal with an active A, I feel like a little kid again.

Last week she said she wanted out of the marriage (I was thinking the same). The next day she had a change of heart but was confused & didn't know what she wanted. I told my AW that I can't live with an active A anymore. She talked with someone in AA but no action yet. I thought it had become clear to me to leave but now I'm confused. I feel 11 years old again bargaining with my father to cut down on his drinking. I keep going back to all the uncertainty of life with an alcoholic on the fence. Everyday I realize more & more how growing up with an alcoholic affects my feelings, judgements & actions. I am so hurt, I don't know what to think about anything. I can't move forward for today when I keep being pulled from the past. I hate this roller coaster I'm on. I want to get off so bad but with AW it's just starting. I have moments when I'm do pretty good but I can't sustain them. Uuugghhh!

I feel like I have to stay. I can't tell if it is a sign to be patient or it's my codependent nature just doing what is has been breed to do. Am I just falling back in the codie trap? Or is it going to take a turn for the better. I know I am miserable being here (physically & emotionally).

On the positive side I sure am learning a lot about myself! I am also learning how hard it was for my father to recover.

tromboneliness

The short answer is "Yes, codie trap again." This is very familiar, because it's exactly where I was.

Problem is, the "what do I do about it?" isn't as simple. I kept hoping she'd get sober, trying to figure out how much I had to do with it, what would I do if she didn't, etc. The thing is, nothing we do has much -- if any -- effect on their drinking. So if our state of mind is dependent on their behavior, that's a prescription for a permanent roller coaster. (Or as I used to describe it, "riding a V-Max with a struck throttle.")

You have to focus on the stuff that is under your control: that's you. That means that your path has to be independent of what she does, whether or not she goes to AA (they love to talk about doing it, just enough to make you stay around, then pour themselves another vodka and claim it's your fault), and that whatever happens if you leave is not your doing. I remember an Al-Anon meeting one day, where someone's alcoholic ex, from whom they'd recently split, had committed suicide -- naturally, the Al-Anon member thought it was her fault! The thing is, it isn't -- if we had the ability to make them kill themselves, or prevent themselves from doing so, that would mean we also had the power to make them get sober... which we know very well we don't!

My wife eventually went to treatment. While she was there, I made it clear that I was not going to live with active alcoholism anymore -- "If you check out of this place against staff advice, I want you to give me 48 hours notice, so I have time to clear my stuff out of the house and be GONE by the time you get home. I am not going to be here to watch you die!" It wasn't easy to say that, but that's how I had to delineate the boundary. (She got the message, by the way -- but again, that was her doing, not mine!)

Good luck!

T

DavidG

The hardest part is 'letting go'. Not actually letting go of the relationship[s],
tho' that comes up all of the time...

...but letting go of the hurt, pain anxiety...