Iplaymarimba

Hello all, I also have a thread going in the alcoholics forum, but my boyfriend is also smoking a lot of pot. In talking with a few friends, they think that he is addicted. I see him smoke 3-4 bong hits a day, just when I am home. He works in the restaurant industry and smoking pot is kind of the norm.

In comparison to so many other drugs, pot seems harmless. I'm not even against recreational use. My boyfriend seems attached to it and I know it's not healthy. When you pair it with alcohol abuse, it really seems to be like there is a problem.

I need to confront him about this. He can't pick to get sober and not stop smoking pot and being high all the time. I don't know how to convince him that this is a problem- a problem for me- when all his friends and his entire environment is filled with people that he sees drinking and smoking all the time.

I suppose this isn't really posing any questions, I just need to get this off my chest.

lightseeker

Hi -

I know that there is a lot of controversy about this topic and I won't get into whether pot is addictive or not.

My son smokes a lot of pot and I can definitely tell when he is high and it definitely changes his personality. I've seen it damage his relationships and his approach to life (lack of motivation, etc).

I've run the gamat of approaches and finally accepted that I am not going to be able to convince him of anything. He believes what he is going to believe. (the craziest belief is that he doesn't think that I can smell it and that I just randomly say that I smell pot). The only thing that I can enforce is whether there is pot smoking at my house. My son choses not to adhere to that boundary so he know longer is living with me. It breaks my heart but I know that I do NOT want an illegal activity occurring in my home.

We all have our different tolerance levels and you have to decide what is best for you - and to be able to stick to that boundary. Bottom line, you can't control another person's choices but you can control whether you are around them. I have a problem with someone smoking pot (right or wrong) so I need to take the steps to honor that. I've learned a whole lot lately about detaching with love.

It's difficult when a substance gets between you and the relationship that you want to have with someone.

story74

My xah starting smoking pot when he was @ 21. Since then, he pretty much smoked pot EVERYDAY...wake n bake. I never thought it was a big deal. Then, we grew up...well, I grew up and we had a baby. He ran home after the birth to get high. As soon as we brought the baby home, he got high. If we would take the baby to the park together he would have to get high. When he woke up he would have to get high. It became annoying. He was always out of it, dreaming and forgeting things. The ritual of gettting high was annoying. He would "be right back" and spend an hour in the garage. I would go to the grocery store and come home and the music would be blaring, my son walking around and my x was totally stonned and I could even smell it. I asked him to stop, and he he refused. It wasn't a drug, it came from nature...so he said. He had no motivation either. It was unhealthy and gross and not how I wanted to raise my child. I finally said, not in the house anymore. He ended up loosing his job bc of a drug test. He had friends come over late at night to smoke...I flipped out on that. I became the "uptight" one. Insert eye roll. Anyways, @ 2 years after he lost a good paying job and his health insurance for his son he turned to cocaine and whores. He is a total deadbeat dad. Hasn't seen his son or paid child support. Is this what you want? Find a man that is healthy and likes to exercise, eat healthy and work hard. if I could turn back time I would of never married him. There comes a time when you need to grow up . Also, what is he going to do with his future? Is he in school? The choices you make now will inpact your life years from now. Chose wisely. You might love him, but I promise you the is better out there. And btw, a bong hit is comparable to smoking a bowl of weed. He is a pothead for sure. Good luck!

kmangel

I think you have to decide for yourself whether or not you want to share your life with someone who abuses chemicals, whether pot, alcohol or other drugs. His quitting using just because you confront him may not make any difference to him. Then what? Are you prepared to walk away if he has no interest in quitting? My nephew is married to a hoarder and I think to myself that if it were me there is no way I would want to battle that disfunction since I am such a clean freak! I know it would have driven me nuts. Love can be blind, though, and later what never was an issue (or was ignored) irritates. Trust me, confronting someone usually doesn't work. Sure you can bring it to his attention, but unless he sees it as a problem, he isn't going to listen to what you have to say about it.

Iplaymarimba

1- I can't afford to stay. Not financially, not emotionally.
2- I'm hoping that the idea of losing me is enough to make him think a little. It may not make him seek treatment, but thinking I suppose is a start.

:-(

Learn2Live

I did not know this until recently but smoking pot causes psychosis.

lightseeker

it's difficult to take a stand - make a stand, but in your heart you know what you can tolerate and what is important to you. I knew from the beginning what I wanted and needed but did my best to force a round peg into a square hole. I wish that I had acted on what I knew about me a lot earlier than I did.

kmangel

It is also a time for you to think about what you want in a boyfriend, too. If drugs and alcohol are not something that you are willing to ignore or tolerate, then you've learned a valuable lesson with this relationship. Life with a drug addict and/or alcoholic is no walk in the park.

kmangel

That's interesting as my son said smoking pot made him more anxious than he already was. He didn't like pot.

soberbrooke

I just left a relationship one month ago because my ex boyfriend of 14 years will not quit smoking pot.
We have 2 children together and I can't tolerate it anymore. I have been sober for 6 months from alcohol, did pot a little, nothing like him, but in 6 months, I have been free of everything.
I can't do it anymore. He wants his family back, and I can't do it. He is not motivated, he works for his dad, no drug tests, he doesn't do anything around the house that he should, like fixing it if something breaks. He is a deadbeat that makes ok money. He is very irresponsible, and I can't continue with his chaos. I never married him because of his marijuana use, and now I am gone. It is just not worth it to me.

Woot86

I know you can't be physically addicted to pot, but I believe it has a very strong psychological addiction. I also read somewhere that chronic long term use of pot can cause schizophrenia. I remember when I smoked it often a few years back, if I abstained for more than a day or two I felt very agitated and moody.

lightseeker

I definitely have seen agitation and irritability in my son when he goes more than a day or too without smoking.

DavinsGrammy

I have AD who also smoked pot - before she went on to bigger things. She always told me "it's no big deal, everyone does it". She is an addict and cannot use alcohol, pot or any substance without abusing it. I never allowed it in my home either.

Woot86

the irritability and moodieness usually wore off in aboyt a week for me.

Iplaymarimba

As awful as it sounds, I'm waiting for something to boil over in my head or in my heart to be able to bring this up to him. I see him retreat to the bathroom and hear him smoke his bong and my stomach turns over. Something in me woke up in the past month to where I realize how much of a problem in me. When I say something, I know his response will be "but I've been doing this for a long time. Why is it an issue NOW?"

That and it seems like every night he brings home an almost full 18-pack of Miller Lite (why is it almost full instead of full- where did they go??) and polishes it off within 12-24 hours.

Last night I went to a drum corps show- an activity that was a very big part of my life for 8+ years- and asked if he wanted to come. He's never been to a show and met me after I "retired" from the activity. He said that he didn't really want to come and worried about how much money it would cost to go. He had already smoked 2 bong hits and was on his 3rd (maybe more) beer at that point. He had no interest in seeing something that was a huge part of my life. Going to this show was a big deal for me- it's the first show I've been to since retirement. The corps that I aged out of was performing. It was such a beautiful experience going to it because I felt like I was reintroduced to a former version of myself.

All I got from him was a text that said "having fun?" and when I gave him my response with those feelings all I got was "". How do I begin to express that he chose to sit on his duff while drinking and smoking pot while watching a Harry Potter marathon instead of being with me while I relived something very important to me?