iloveme

Hello,
I really need your thoughts here?

Please try and be open and non-judgmental.

I am in a relationship where I believe the trauma from old relationships has caused me to be very explosive at times and a bit impulsive. I am in no way saying that I am responsible for what I most recently found out.

I was discussing some personal things with my boyfriend and I noticed that he was a bit quiet and reserved unlike normal, it took me back so I said, were you just taping this conversation? He said why? I said were you? He said, Yes.

Come to find out he has for over 6 mos without my consent or knowledge.


He tells me that he wanted me to listen to them so that I could hear myself and maybe change?

I gotta tell you, we have our problems he has gotten physical with me.... I have given him an ultimatum...... I asked him to get rid of those audio recordings and I have made an appointment for counseling..... but I am not sure I will be able to trust again?


Where do I go from here?

Hopeworks

What he has done is both illegal, unethical and a breach of trust.

It would be a deal breaker for me today... before true recovery from my own codependency I have no idea what I may have done. I used to put up with a lot of insanity.

I would ask him to share when and how he has been recording you... using his smartphone (quite common these days)?

Transferrring the recordings? Locate all of them and insure they are destroyed in your presence. If he refuses I would call the law... thats just me.

And lastly if he was going to "play them for you so you might change" when exactly did he plan to do this? 2015? He has been recording you for 6 months! Too weird... are you sure there is not some other motive????

painfully

Interesting situation. He should NOT be taping your conversations, although I don't think it's illegal if one of the parties knows that the conversation is being taped. It's certainly not a nice thing to do.

I wonder if he taped the conversations when he was physically abusive to you. Somehow I doubt that.

Pelican

He says he has been taping you for approx 6 months.
He justifies this by telling you it was for your own well being (gaslighting).
He says his plan was to play the tapes back to you so that you will change your behavior.

B.S.

In six months of taping, how has he helped you improve yourself?
What special occasion what he going to reveal the tapes and let you begin to improve yourself?

You gave him an ultimatum? How?
Telling him to get rid of the tapes is not an ultimatum. That is a demand.

I believe telling him to get rid of the tapes or you are never going to see/speak to him again is an ultimatum.

Personally, I would not want to see/speak to him again no matter what he did/said/offered at this point. Forget the tapes! Who is going to be his audience to listen to them anyway?

Windmills

I've had this done to me too, this post just reminded me. He would wind me up and up and up and then hit record so he could tape me crying or begging him to go away and leave me alone. He said he did it so I could see what a psycho I am, it actually just made me feel really sad. Im not familiar with your threads but this is definitely abuse rather than addiction. He used the recordings to shame me and as 'evidence' to tell me I'm crazy. In a healthy relationship no one secretly records disagreements for ANY reason.

onlythetruth

The laws about taping conversations vary from state to state. In most states, however, it is indeed illegal unless BOTH parties know that the conversation is being recorded.

Regardless of legalities, however, this is an enormous breach of trust and I believe that most healthy people would consider it, if not a deal breaker, a huge red flag.

But you do have a real dealbreaker already, of course--the physical abuse.

feelingalone43

Well, this post certainly puts me on high alert. My AH and I have been having arguments quite frequently, and I will now be making sure this does not happen to me.

Thank you for sharing.

fourmaggie

ok, i say SICKO! OMG! get rid of him....he has crossed sooo many boundaries...

why does he feel the need to do all of this...? because HE can...that is pure arrogance in my book...

I am sure you had a gut feeling about this guy...REG FLAGS....

trust? all in time....do yourself a favor and FIGURE YOU OUT...you dont need that in your life...your better than that...

prayers to you

Taking5

The legalities of this vary. If you were in a public where there is no expectation of privacy, its fair game, legally. Ethically this is all kinds of ****** up.

Here is a state by state guide of taping conversations: State-by-state guide | Reporters Committee for Freedom of the Press

Iplaymarimba

He sounds like he is paranoid or obsessive compulsive. Either way, he has breached any kind of trust that you two have had. I would destroy those tapes because they symbolize something very broken between you two.

miamifella

Why are you even asking this? Why would you consider staying in a relationship with someone who does something like this?

akrasia

Yeah, this isn't about the taping. It's about an abusive guy finding another way to abuse you. If it weren't the creepy taping it would be something else.

Thumper

I would not be able to trust again. I do not like the idea of taping. It is sometimes suggested on this forum in the other direction and I don't like it then either. I find it appalling and I would not want to be in a relationship with someone that could do that behind my back for *6 months*.

I'm so sorry.

choublak

It's hard not to judge when reading this thread title.

The taping is just creepy. I don't know what else to say.

laurie6781

Taping? heck long before he started that

I would have been gone.

I cannot abhor physical violence of one partner on another. That is ABSOLUTELY a deal breaker.

I have worked and volunteered for too many years at our Domestic Violence Centers and I see way too often where this can lead.

Counseling? with him, nope For yourself, YES.

He is an ABUSER and it is escalating.

Trust? Pwsh nope could never trust someone like that EVER!

I do not very often tell someone to leave. I am saying it now. GET OUT OF THERE.

J M H O

Love and hugs,

GoingThrough2

My situation was a bit different.
I had to ( after 20 years of abuse ) tape my AXH, abusing the children and myself.
I felt as though no-one would believe me unless I did this.

As far as you situation, I am a bit confused.
He taped you for 6 months to help you understand how you were acting..
What was he going to do, let you hear it after a year?
He only admitted doing this after you " caught him "..

Within 2 weeks I had 36 recordings of my AXH's abuse and threats.
I was in fear of my life as well as my youngest sons life.

6 months is a very longtime to be recording anyone.

As far as everything else goes, you leaving him etc..
I agree with several comments above.
Leave & dont look back!
Wish you the very best of luck!
Love & respect!
~Love, GT2~

pinkdog

It does sound like a control thing with the taping. I wonder if he will edit them too? Trust would be hard. take care of yourself.:ghug3

pinkdog

Nothing wrong with good judgement. In fact, it's necessary.

Ursula745

Honestly, if being abused, I would not have stayed around long enough to supply him with six months worth of footage.

That's just a manipulative thing for him to do.

akrasia

I get tired of seeing the "Well *I* wouldn't put up with it!" thrown at people who are currently, at this moment, being subjected to domestic abuse.

It's not just you. I see it all the time. I'm glad that you could never put up with that. That's really great. But there's an implicit, "...so what's wrong with *you*?" message in that kind of statement that's akin to kicking someone when they're down.

No one expects that they would ever be subjected to domestic abuse. Fear and isolation screws with the victim's head. Things get progressively worse until they can't believe the situation they're in. And then the self-loathing kicks in. They're often afraid to get help because they're afraid of getting responses of shock and disgust--directed at them. "Wow, *I* would never have stayed for six months after that!"

iloveme, is there a DV service in your town? There are national DV hotlines you can call as well. Can you make a first step towards them, just to have a chat? They are waiting for someone in a situation like yours to reach out for help.