Notices

Husband still drinking

Old 07-08-2012, 03:32 AM
  # 1 (permalink)  
Member
Thread Starter
 
Change4good's Avatar
 
Join Date: Dec 2011
Posts: 1,226
Husband still drinking

Hi folks.

Let me preface this by saying my sobriety is not in jeapardy. In fact, it is stronger than it has ever been. But I have frustration with a drinking husband.

Last night, he came home with two six packs of really great beer. Abita is my favorite, which he bought. Cost was about 22 dollars for both, which won't get us closer to buying a house. I saw it, and thought, "Wow. That would taste so wonderful. But I don't drink anymore, so it is simply not an option to consider it."

But my husband drank five after we all went to bed. He drinks alcoholically, can stop for a few days, then resume at this pace. I don't want him to hurt himself. He is not neglectful, always kind, great with the kids. But this amount is simply too much.

It is his life, and his choice. Not mine. We both know this. I just love him so much, and don't want him to harm his body or soul.

This was more of a vent, no real advice needed. Just wanted to put it out there. He reads this board sometimes, and I would never share anything with strangers that I wouldn't share with him.

At least I am strong and steady. :-)
Change4good is offline  
Old 07-08-2012, 03:46 AM
  # 2 (permalink)  
Member
 
TorontoGuy28's Avatar
 
Join Date: Apr 2004
Location: Toronto,Ontario
Posts: 1,027
It doesn't bother me if my wife drinks, she hardly does.

However, if I did see some of my old patters in her approach to alcohol, I would have alarm bells going off and would certainly cause me anxiety. If it got even worse, I would have a chat with her straight out...
TorontoGuy28 is offline  
Old 07-08-2012, 03:54 AM
  # 3 (permalink)  
Member
Thread Starter
 
Change4good's Avatar
 
Join Date: Dec 2011
Posts: 1,226
I did have a chat with him. He is an aware, intelligent person. And knowing what I went through/going through, it is a decision he has to make for himself. I just need to let him know how it affects me. That is where I am right now.

Now, spending lots of money on expensive beer DOES impact our "buy a house plan," and that sends me into a tizzy. :-)
Change4good is offline  
Old 07-08-2012, 04:30 AM
  # 4 (permalink)  
That bell or bike person
 
mecanix's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jun 2012
Location: london
Posts: 4,978
I'm a full time carer for a relative , when i quit they also switched to my favorite brand of a 1.5L bottle of a certain red wine, never having drunk it before . The person is aware what the're doing as they look at me and say "you don't mind do you " I just laugh and say "fill your boots it's all poison to me ".
mecanix is offline  
Old 07-08-2012, 05:08 AM
  # 5 (permalink)  
Administrator
 
Anna's Avatar
 
Join Date: Aug 2003
Location: Dancing in the Light
Posts: 61,330
Yeah, of course your husband will need to decide if and when he needs to stop drinking.

The money thing is understandably bothersome to you. Can you compromise on the amount of money he spends on alcohol per week or per month, so that you are both okay with it?
Anna is online now  
Old 07-08-2012, 06:28 AM
  # 6 (permalink)  
~sb
 
sugarbear1's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jul 2011
Location: MD
Posts: 15,951
Can you two come up with a strict budget so you can keep saving up for buying a home together? This way you'll know exactly how much to spend on frivolous items? No worry, no stress, just a budget you've worked on together.

Have a wonderful sober Sunday!
sugarbear1 is offline  
Old 07-08-2012, 07:33 AM
  # 7 (permalink)  
Member
 
Notmyrealname's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jun 2012
Location: Midwest, USA
Posts: 1,022
He drinks. He had (as you say) really great beer, so he drank five of them (not an unrealistic number for a man relaxing at his house on a Saturday evening), and did you the consideration of waiting for you to go to bed, so you didn't have to watch him drink them.

Having a hard time seeing a problem with that part of it.

Now, if he's spending nondiscretionary income, that's a different issue altogether. But, if you are saving for a house you should set up an automatic transfer into a savings account (probably get a better return on a money market account, but I don't think you get the FDIC guarantee--not a huge issue, but full disclosure blah blah blah) so the money you want to save never even sees your checking account, let alone the inside of hubby's wallet.

Good luck
Notmyrealname is offline  
Old 07-08-2012, 07:49 AM
  # 8 (permalink)  
Choosing Life
 
desertsong's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jun 2009
Location: Montana
Posts: 1,435
My husband is an active alcoholic and he also spends way too much money on booze (Crown Royal, to be exact). He also makes almost nightly trips to his favorite bar, where he tends to "treat" his buddies to free drinks and food. We can afford it at the moment but it is still money that can be used more productively, especially since we have two kids and it would be my preference to see that money go into savings/trust accounts for their future. After all, the money isn't going to last forever at this rate. I have mentioned it before but it tends to go in one ear and out the other.

As far as his drinking goes, I've pretty much shut up about it. He knows he has a problem (he has been through detox three times), but he always goes back to it. I have finally come to the realization that there is nothing I can do or say that will change things. I can only hope that he will continue to see the positive effects in my own sobriety and that it will someday motivate him to quit for good.

You can only mention your concerns (in a non-critical, non-judgmental way) and hopefully he will eventually listen. If he is drinking alcoholically as you say, but only on weekends for now, that could change. He could up drinking more often as time goes on. That's how it often works, since this is a progressive illness. I hope that doesn't happen for either of you. For now, all you can do is state your concerns and your feelings (without blame ... blame and pointing fingers tends to do more harm than good), and just hope that he hears you. And then, like the others have suggested, perhaps sit down together and work out a budget where he only spends "X" amount of money on beer per week. Then put another "X" amount of money into a savings account for your new home. Since he is an intelligent, thoughtful man, perhaps this will be an agreeable and logical solution for both of you.

Best of luck to you both.
desertsong is offline  
Old 07-08-2012, 08:28 AM
  # 9 (permalink)  
Professional Drunk
 
Jitterbugg's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jun 2010
Location: Toronto
Posts: 465
Hi Change,
If your husband can stop at 5 beers with more left in the fridge, then it's doubtful he may have a problem. However, it does seem like he was trying to entice you to drink by buying 'your' brand. My mother used to do the same to get my dad to drink with her. Good job on resisting!
Jitterbugg is offline  
Old 07-08-2012, 08:49 AM
  # 10 (permalink)  
sobriety date 5-2-12
 
aeo1313's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jan 2012
Location: Midwest
Posts: 903
I just posted something similar to this. I don't think my husband is an alcoholic, but he does like to drink. Granted, he doesn't think I am an alcoholic and still doesn't understand why I am in AA.

Anywho...after posting and reading I am going to let it go. What he does he's going to do. It does help to vent though and if need be feel free to PM me and vent some more!!

Ann
aeo1313 is offline  
Old 07-08-2012, 10:12 AM
  # 11 (permalink)  
Re-Member
 
Itchy's Avatar
 
Join Date: Oct 2010
Location: Colorado Springs, Colorado
Posts: 7,583
My wife is still drinking and she is a functional alcoholic. (All that means to me is behaved law abiding, and nice disposition) However once she got over that I am really sober for good, and never smoking again to boot, she settled back down to a decent relationship.

I drank Scotch when I was drinking but just as a palate cleanser from drinking too much beer all day and then a few semi-sweet chillable red boxed wines. She drinks scotch. Still smokes.

When I drank and smoked I detested busybodies who tried to reform me. I honestly don't care if she drinks. That is as much her business and not mine as my drinking and smoking were when I drank and smoked. I treat her exactly as I expected to be treated. She drinks after 5 at home and that is it. She is an alcoholic, we both admitted that before I quit to each other. She smokes too but outside or under the Exhaust hood with the fan going.

With alcohol that can change in the blink of an eye, but will progress eventually. I can't control another only take care of me.

Even when I was newly sober there was a half gallon of Scotch and a carton or two of smokes in the house. There still are. It is both cheaper that way and saves on fuel as we own our place with a few acres and it is a 20 mile round trip to town.

If anybody reads my early posts here I did not care and was never tempted by the alcohol being "so near" as many put it, and the smokes. In fact I am here alone a lot when she is at work. (I am retired, she doesn't have to work, but wants to part time) In the evenings at first she asked if I wanted her to go out on the porch , but I told her no, just do as we always did, it is your house too.

I have no problem being around drinkers but I tire of it after a few minutes, twenty at most, because they are mindless but jolly, and some not so jolly later.

Here is the deal. I have a problem with the substance, not another. Yes I can now spot the ones with serious problems but keep my own counsel because there but for the grace of God go I. I can get it because it is legal with a ten minute drive one way. I pass by liquor stores on my way to town and grocery stores all of which carry my favorite brand of beer. What is the difference in being three feet away or three miles? If I am going to drink or smoke I damn well am going to, no other is going to stop me. Only I can. I don't want to anymore or ever again and that will never change. I have drunk my fill, and enjoyed it for the most part, until I didn't.

I can't complain about the cost because I drank and smoked three times as much as she does. I don't feel any issue with her drinking in front of me because I don't drink. (As silly as this sounds I don't crave what I don't want) She does have to go outside to smoke or stand under the exhaust hood in the kitchen. It isn't any second hand smoke crap excuse, (and feigned coughing as many smoking nazis tried on me in the past) because I smoked three packs a day for several decades and at least one pack a day from age 12 in 1964. It is because she had been on me to smoke only outside and since I quit we have cleaned up and painted everything that had tar all over it including replacing the Computers and TVs in the last two years. So while it does not bother me she doesn't want it gooping up the interior again. I also don't like it in a car. So she has her car I never drive and she cannot smoke in mine. If we go together she can wait 20 minutes or so to smoke outside. I don't really mind the smell or even the smoke, and after smoking first hand smoke myself for more than 48 years I can hardly lay claim to harm from second hand smoke now!


Some couples can't make adjustments or are trying to control each other. Control and manipulations (codie) behaviors are hard for us alcoholics to put aside. Some can't and so can't stay in the relationship.

It is a fact that it is a drinking world. That alcohol is legal, and when we were normal drinkers that was good. I haven't got time or the inclination to throw myself a pity party over my situation of not drinking alcohol ever again. It is really no big deal at all anymore. I am not and never was a bar person, and it has been years since we were party animals. She has her drinks in the evenings I chose not to ever again for me.

Take care of yourself.
Itchy is offline  
Old 07-08-2012, 11:02 AM
  # 12 (permalink)  
sobriety date 5-2-12
 
aeo1313's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jan 2012
Location: Midwest
Posts: 903
Itchy- THANK YOU! Fantastic post!
aeo1313 is offline  
Old 07-08-2012, 11:24 AM
  # 13 (permalink)  
Re-Tread
 
Fallow's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jul 2011
Location: Meditation
Posts: 1,300
Second that I loved your post Itchy.

Change4good thanks for posting this.

It is a reminder as I acted similarly as an active drinker.
I need to remember how others percieve and are affected by my actions, even if they dont see me taking the action first hand. This helps.
Fallow is offline  
Old 07-08-2012, 12:33 PM
  # 14 (permalink)  
Member
 
Join Date: Oct 2011
Posts: 1,047
he came home with two six packs of really great beer. Abita is my favorite, which he bought.
I use to drink Abita beer and thought it was really good also.

Then I woke up from my dream....
Gerbosko is offline  

Currently Active Users Viewing this Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
 
Posting Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off
Trackbacks are On
Pingbacks are On
Refbacks are Off




All times are GMT -7. The time now is 05:20 AM.