Still no friends, despite efforts [Vent Alert!]

Old 07-07-2012, 11:16 PM
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Still no friends, despite efforts [Vent Alert!]

I have given up on making friends. And before you start writing about how I should join groups, etc., etc., etc. I have been doing so for close to a year now. Everyone is too busy to make friends and, since I'm older, most already made their friends more than 10yrs ago. I actually have to leave town to have social outings. Most of the time I utilize my students if I want to do something pleasant for myself. This last time, I actually tried to join a writing group, but was rejected by it.

Somehow, even though I have lived in Prague, Paris and Berlin, even though I speak three languages and have made friends in each of these places, I can't seem to break into this society. It's like they all have this insider speak going on and I am so clearly on the outside of it.

To be honest, I stopped worrying about making friends and decided to try dating. Five dates, each more terrible than the last. Tonight, a guy arrogant beyond belief and just plain WRONG! He would say something authoritatively and then I would lightly and jokingly correct him and he acted like I was the arrogant one! Should I just have shut up?

And why do I keep meeting these people who have no ideas of their own, nothing they're working for, nothing they're passionate about? There's just something dull in their brains, these older doughy men who aren't particularly witty, funny or original.

Even though I am short and could stand to lose 5-10 lbs, I am not ugly and I try to dress as fashionably as my budget permits, so... I really don't think I'm better than anyone. In my 20s, I met interesting people left and right. Either I am a lot uglier than I think or I am a lot more arrogant than I think, but honestly! What am I supposed to do if I think the person is boring? Or if they spout incorrect information and want to act as if they can't say a wrong word. I tell them about my not having been around for awhile and they seem to look down on me for it, like they know more about the city and I'm just a newbie wannabe who doesn't understand.

I don't care about whatever perceived notions they have about the mystique of the city. There are tons of cities out there and the only thing that makes ANY of them tolerable is friends and family.

I have neither here.
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Old 07-08-2012, 04:34 AM
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I had some similar issues when I got divorced in 2006. Didn't have any friends. Seemed like everyone was busy. I asked all the time if people wanted to go to the movies, go bowling, go see a band, etc. Nothing. So I moved to manhattan where there is always something to do and a lot more people to meet, and a lot of intellectual types that had interesting things to say and interesting lives to learn about. I see you're in NY but what part of the state?
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Old 07-08-2012, 05:05 AM
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here's a little anecdote i heard about 30 years ago...A guy leaves the town he is living in and goes to another town. upon arriving there, he stops at a gas station and asks the attendant "how are the people in this town?" the attendant asks him "how were the people in the town you came from?" to which he replies, "they were rude, selfish and arrogant" the attendant adds..."well, funny, that's exactly how they are here." the man drives away. shortly after, another man pulls into the gas station and asks the attendant, "i am new here and would like to know how the townspeople are in this place" the attendant asks him the same question, "how were the people in the town from which you came?" he replies..."they were great, they were helpful, kind and loving." the attendant tells him "well, that's exactly how you will find the people in this town." i guess there's a reason i remember this story all these years...i have had to refer to it and check myself every so often....God bless you, and i hope you find what you are looking for....on that note, have you tried checking out a church here and there...if you find the right fit, it can be very awesome.
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Old 07-08-2012, 05:47 AM
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Originally Posted by Looking4ward View Post
To be honest, I stopped worrying about making friends and decided to try dating. Five dates, each more terrible than the last. Tonight, a guy arrogant beyond belief and just plain WRONG! He would say something authoritatively and then I would lightly and jokingly correct him and he acted like I was the arrogant one! Should I just have shut up?

A lot of people really don't like to be corrected. But, you have to be you. I know that's something that I struggle with. I'm not sure why I want to correct people, but it's something I don't like about myself so I work to change it. That's not to say you should change it if it's not something that bothers you about your character.

As far as making friends go. I have a hard time making friends often. I can be introverted and shy. I do find though that when I make connections with people, they're usually strong ones.

I wish you luck
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Old 07-08-2012, 05:50 AM
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I am struggling with this right now too.

I think for me a lot of it is that I trust myself, but I don't trust myself around other people. I am still on a roller coaster in terms of healing from my relationship with an alcoholic, and other betrayals.

Though I would like to meet others I know I need to be looking for something different then what I have previously done.

In other words the old is not working any more, but I don't have a new skill set and trust in place.

I am sure I am sending out that vibe to the world and that unconsciously I am self-fulfilling prophecy.

I suspect when I am further healed this might be easier, not easy, but easier.
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Old 07-08-2012, 06:35 AM
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I'm still venting a little because of that terrible date (with the arrogant guy). You'll permit me. Really I think I just get frustrated that I can be talented and fun and I feel like I'm butting my head against a wall sometime. Vacuum.

I live in Manhattan and that IS the problem. Like-minded people, but hard to find and there social group all but tied up. I'm not in my 20s anymore, going to bars and clubs alone feels weird, other events, talking to other patrons isn't usual, exchanging phone numbers... people seem to guarded for that - it's never happened to me.

LillyRoseMary suggested that I am finding people based on hwatI expect to find (or that my date was arrogant because I was looking for someone arrogant - wrong, it was a blind date). Maybe, in which case I am really in trouble because I will really need to play a real mind trick on myself to believe that it was me who caused the situations I have witnessed. E.G. the people I work with: There are several women I have invited repeatedly to events and turned down repeatedly, Friends I have from before my marriage I have to schedule two weeks in advance,another newly one and hardly fought for friend has just started a relationship and I am often being blown off for the boyfriend. So many people that I talk to, but again, no one close.

Again, I am venting, so please do not suggest churches or classes or 'doing activities I like.' I know you mean well, but I am doing them. They're lovely - no friends yet, but nice while I am at them and they keep me busy, but I am venting.

As venting I will tell you that I went on my fifth disasterous date last night and I really don't know what's wrong with me. I wanted to call a friend, trying to ask "Am I so terrible that I keep attracting these doughy, soft-brained people" but then I realized that anybody I have to call doesn't live here and that made me feel worse because then it's like I not only attract doughy, soft-brained people, but I don't have anybody other than these people who want to be with me. I am supposed to date one of these guys? Is that the idea? I cringe!
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Old 07-08-2012, 06:58 AM
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I live in Manhattan too. It can be tough sometimes.
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Old 07-08-2012, 07:09 AM
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I've always had an easy time finding and making friends, because I love to be social.

I lost friends in the past because I was pretty bossy and some friends came forward to tell me. Since being in Al Anon for the last 3 yrs, I've pretty much learned how to just accept people /friends for who they are.

Correcting people, be rigid and having a list of what you want will keep you lonely. Just get out there, have fun, say yes to every invite, laugh, smile and people will gravitate towards you.

It's not about looks at all....I have friends of all shapes, sizes and looks. when you're happier, friends will find you, you won't have to find them

Why are you going on dated with men you don't like?
Maybe stop assuming everyone is not good enough and try to find their wonderful sides?
You can join all the groups in the world, but if you have a negative attitude, you won't make one friend
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Old 07-08-2012, 07:15 AM
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Ever hear of the Law of Attraction? It says, "You attract into your life that which you think about most of the time." Examine your own thoughts, your side of the street.

I believe that sometimes we try too hard. I believe that so often I WANT something so bad, that I do not enjoy life because I am so busy being mad that I don't HAVE what I want.

I don't know what a "doughy" man is but maybe spend less time evaluating the people you DO meet, and spend a little more time just being a woman with a man. Try practicing staying in the Present Moment, remaining Aware of everything around you, and Accepting people for who they are and not what we want them to be. It's a tall order huh? I know, I struggle with all of that too.

Hope you're feeling better soon. Look for the positive, be grateful for all the blessings of your life.
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Old 07-08-2012, 07:20 AM
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Thanks guys. I just wanted to vent. Yes, the problem is me. Okay, I get it. You don't have to keep repeating it, though. I just wanted to vent, alright. I'm finished now.
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Old 07-08-2012, 07:27 AM
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The problem is often ourselves. Like L2L says, like attracts like.

When I am feeling awful about me, I attract horrible men into my life.
Read up on the law of attraction. You will find some good insight there as well
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Old 07-08-2012, 07:27 AM
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I think it's a very mid-Atlantic thing to be cold and a bit detached from society. I live outside of Baltimore and right up the road from DC, and that is kind of how things are here. I lived outside of Philly for awhile and that reigned true too.

Depending on what dating site you are using, you can kind of filter out the jerks. When I was on a dating site, I made it very clear that I am smarter than the average bear. If they couldn't keep up, then they need not apply!

I am an introvert and I have a hard time making new friends. The things that worked for me when I moved to town was getting involved in some volunteer work and going out with the people I work with after work. I got to know some great people by donating my time at something worthwhile to me (a local bookstore/exchange). The people that I work with are typically much more conservative than I, but as teachers we can kind of be diplomatic about how we talk about those issues.
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Old 07-08-2012, 07:37 AM
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I don't think anyone is saying it is completely your fault, but really, when it comes down to it, the only thing you have any control over is your owwn behavior and outlook. I have no good advice, as I am pretty introverted myself and really value my alone time, but if I find myself feeling lonely, I try and step out of my comfort zone and say yes to any invitation or new activity. Keep trying, it's a big city and there must be at least a few likeminded people out there!!
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Old 07-08-2012, 07:47 AM
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Summerpeach, I know you mean well, but I can only read your comments and not hear the tone of your voice. The repetition sounds like you aren't trying to be nice or helpful. And please, understand, I'm venting because I'm having a low moment.

When I'm feeling low, it doesn't feel very good to be called a negative person.

Okay, I let it all hang out here. I thought we could do that here.

Listen, the fact of the matter is I am not a negative person. I am fun, happy and lively when I'm happy; I'm sour and gloomy when I'm sad.

I have a meditation practice that I love with the most kind, funny people I have ever met, but I've only been with them 2 months. It's helped a lot with evening out my emotions. I highly recommend it to everyone.

The dating is a recent thing, an effort to branch out. It is Online dating as I just don't know many people and like I said, going to bars alone feels weird and the kind of events I like aren't exactly pick up joints.

I had a particularly obnoxious and uncomfortable date last night and I was charming and listened to him and tried the make the best of an incredible orange globe of a sunset, an absolutely excellent band and then a beautiful walk in the park. But it was an incredible effort on my part to keep the conversation light and flowing and enjoyable. He would talk for five minutes straight spouting off things that were supposed to prove how smart he was. So, yes, at times, I lost my patience and corrected him.

My vent is because I feel low and lonely that I have been on this track towards loving myself more, expanding myself more, but the results haven't materialized yet. I am impatient.
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Old 07-08-2012, 07:52 AM
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Originally Posted by Looking4ward View Post
Thanks guys. I just wanted to vent. Yes, the problem is me. Okay, I get it. You don't have to keep repeating it, though. I just wanted to vent, alright. I'm finished now.
No hon, that's not what I was saying. Stop beating yourself up. The problem is NOT you. What I'm saying is there IS no problem.

You're in Manhattan. I recommend a yoga class. And Al-Anon. They will help, I promise.

(((hugs)))
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Old 07-08-2012, 12:36 PM
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I feel your pain. It is, and always has been difficult for me to make friends.

I too notice that sometimes the usual suggestions--churches, etc.--don't work. I don't know what the answer is.
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Old 07-08-2012, 12:39 PM
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BTW, I have no friends to do things with either. If it weren't for my work friends and Al-Anon/AA, I'd be alone 24/7. I do have my mom though, we hang out as much as we are able. I'm not too keen on getting involved in another relationship anytime soon either. Men are a hassle, both the doughy and the baked kind
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Old 07-08-2012, 01:09 PM
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It's a great vent and i have nothing but respect for you or it.

Manhattan is a ******.

I moved from NY to FL 5 years ago and its ONLY been in the past 6 monthes that i have FINALLY made a few friends. I thought i was a leper the way I was ignored by everyone everywhere i went to try to meet people. It was so much easier when I was younger as you were saying.

Its a shame: soft doughy men are a dime a dozen lol. (sorry- couldnt help myself) just want you to know i understand the frustration.
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Old 07-08-2012, 03:40 PM
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UPDATE:
Okay guys. I've had a productive day and a productive afternoon. The first thing I did when I had my little bitch-fest late last night and this morning was do my meditation practice (the one I was telling you about). It immediately came into my mind to thank the guy I went out with last night. Although I really didn't enjoy his company, the actual activities were amazing. I also felt by thanking him, it might help him to break out of his self-absorbed malaise and there might be a human underneath it. I've already heard back from him, it didn't, but it made me feel good for having done it.
The second thing I did was I wrote again to that writing group I didn't get to be a part of to ask the organizer why. I got a meeting out of it and someone to read and help me fix up my work!

Unfortunately, I am still processing my divorce, so I also got a message from my XAH with comments about why did I ever leave him, and it's my fault our marriage didn't work and why aren't I with anyone, therefore I must want to be unhappy, blah, blah, blah. He completely pretends as if he was never drunk or high, vomitting on our futon, pissing in our closet, or obsessively visiting porn sites while doing mounds of coke!

Learn2Live, yes,this is the loss I feel. I have something to do between al-anon and my meditation group, work and various other responsibilities, but no one I can talk to when I have moments like I did this morning and last night.

So, yes, I was rude earlier, but we have our freak outs one way or another.

I'll think on some of your comments as I complete the day.
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Old 07-08-2012, 06:33 PM
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You're right, tough to decipher words on a board, you just sounded like you were ticked, so thought I would point out maybe your vent here was how you were approaching daily life.

You sound better tonight...keep up that meditation. It really keeps us grounded

hug
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