cad235

My AH has been battling a cocaine / crack addiction for over 10 years. We have been together for 3 years and have a 2-year old. Long story short... it has been an emotional rollercoaster for me. Every time I am physically and mentally prepared to leave he pulls me back in... He decided once again to get clean and went to a meeting the other night. He finally admitted to me about his cravings etc. Yes a step in the right direction but he seems to divert his attention to something always... something he NEEDS and RIGHT NOW!!!! It's usually a boat but this time his buddy has a camper for sale. I told him nicely that we desperately need to save money and not buy any toys and now he's pouting and not talking to me. Told me to leave him the f* alone. WHAT??? He's 41 years old! This is ridiculous!

Pelican

Wow, sounds like you are raising two children.

You can get off this roller coaster anytime you wish. You can choose a better life for yourself and your daughter, and I believe you will when you reach your emotional bottom.

We have a saying: Let go or be dragged.

jessiec

A friend of mine's AH was like that -- when he first started recovery, he began spending up a storm on big-ticket item. Boat, motorcycle ... etc. etc. He transferred his addiction from one thing to another.

Learn2Live

"Every time I am physically and mentally prepared to leave he pulls me back in..."
Nope. You choose to not leave. You have free will.

cad235

Thank you. Fear is the reason I am still around. Fear of the outcome. Fear of the battle that is to come (so he says). I am trying to get stong...

fourmaggie

i have said this many times, and will not get tired of saying this:
my mom says, being with an A you never knew you had choices...because it was always about what the A or expectations what will come next....

you do NOW have choices...you CAN set boundaries, and maybe now is the time to start...

please try a 12 step program like AL ANON...you will learn so much, you never said how old your kids are...AL ATEEN is good for them also...

learn and listen and READ...the best to start.....

god bless

marie1960

We all have fears and doubts.

One of the best pieces of advice I have read on this board.

"Play the movie all the way thru."

What is the worst thing that could happen??? He is holding you hostage, and once you break free, you are no longer under his abusive control. It would take a whole hell of an amount of effort on his part to continue to control you. Addicts are lazy, and when you are no longer enabling his choices, you are of no longer of use to him. It's easier to just go and find someone new, who will continue to support their lifestyle.

If he is threatening you, be proactive, document his behavior. You are responsible for the safety of yourself and your child. While, I do not know what he means by the "battle to come", I would view it as a threat and take all appropriate measures to keep myself and child out of harm's way. I would never suggest you dismiss his words, but as an outsider, it's just another manipulation tactic.

Personally, I would be more fearful that 5 or 10 years from now I would still be living in this same toxic situation.

Sending you strength. Take care of You.

Iplaymarimba

My boyfriend does the same, but with a much smaller budget. He goes on craigslist and buys motor bikes "to fix them up." He does this with money we don't really have. I don't have any advice for you because I am in the process of figuring out how to apply the advice that others have given me, but sometimes it's helpful to know that you're not alone.

onlythetruth

Yep, that's addict behavior all right. But you have your part to play too. You're allowing yourself to get sucked in, not only back into the relationship, but into the emotional drama he creates when he curses you out for reminding him that you can't afford something.

I'm convinced that, just as for an addict the key is abstinence, for a codependent the key is detachment (coupled with boundaries). Takes work, but there it is.

Learn2Live

Living with a crack addict is very difficult. They do not respect other peoples' boundaries. They spend money on crack and stupid stuff. They are very unpredictable and can be quite volatile. They do and say very hurtful things.

Yes, fear is horrible and debilitating. It keeps us from doing what we want to do, and what we know we need to do. Fear prevents us from establishing and maintaining healthy boundaries. But feel the fear and do it anyway. You will surprise yourself.

Another saying: Leap and the Net Will Appear.

And yet another: Courage is not the absence of fear, but rather the judgment that something else is more important than fear.

shawty80

i have always found my xabf to be very impulsive, whether drunk or sober. two friday nights ago, he exchanged a mountain bike for a much more expensive road bike. the intent was to begin cycling with me, but instead, he got pissed at me, broke up with me, and kicked me out! once something gets into his head, he has to take care of if RIGHT THEN, with no discussion, no thought, and no swaying his decision.

i understand how hobbies can be great for people going into recovery, but he must truly focus his attention on working a program. hobbies will only stave cravings for so long. you must do the same for yourself, and for the sake of your child.

hugs!

misty <3