buttercup102

I'm in love with a great guy. He has been sober for 15 months. We have been dating for 8 months..( yes we broke the first rule) He recently told me he needed time for himself to get his head straight. I feel like he has pushed me out of his life, he wont return my phone calls.. I told him that I know I cant help him, i can only support him. ...Is it normal for alcoholics to lash out,( say hurtful things) and to push their loved ones out of their lives? This guy is not a stranger to me, he is my best friend, and I have known him for 18 yrs.

Weasel1966

Buttercup.... There is no better way to get someone closer to you than to give them space between you.

Hope it works out like you want.

IndaMiricale

I wish I had something for ya, but I just held hostages and now how to destroy relationships. As I grow up I will grow in that regard. So prayers sent your way.

justhadenough

Totally agree with this

Calling himwill push him further away Give him space,let him come bck to you

2granddaughters

You say "we" broke the first rule, are you in recovery.

If you know what the "rule" is you must know a lot more about AA and getting sober.

Talk to your friends sponsor, or are they talking after breaking the first rule?

Good luck. Al-Anon would likely help you a lot.

Bob R

buttercup102

No I am not in recovery, I say "we" because we talked about the first rule, he told me about it. But we decided to go forth with the relationship anyway.

artsoul

I'm so sorry, buttercup - I don't know what you can do except tell him you're there if he wants to talk. Apparently he doesn't feel comfortable right now telling you what's going on. It could have to do with drinking.... or not. Hard to be patient, I know.:ghug3

buttercup102

Very very hard to be patient...like there is a tornado going through my mind.

sewmad

Hi Buttercup,
You ask if its normal....well from my point of view it surely is. Remember you haven't done anything wrong, he may have a few issues going around in his head and needs time to sort them out. If you can support yourself through a separation period it may be helpful for both of you to clear your head and look from a different angle at where you need to go for the future. He may be struggling alittle with not drinking etc and has some triggers around him that he hasn't told you about.

I am separated from my AP and at times I struggle with the loneliness and the confusion but I try to stay on track, looking after me firstly and then looking after us as a couple.
But this is after some horrible times in the last 3 months.

One thing I say to myself that keeps me going thru' the moments of stressful conversations is looking at it from a different way.....We are both right from our point of view...this has made me stop in the middle of a challenging discussion and listen to what he is trying to say and not get defensive. Its an every day learning tho'.

Look after yourself and stay strong or as we say in New Zealand Kia Kaha.
Love and light to you.

buttercup102

Thank-you Sewmad...that was so kind

pauladmits

I've been on the other side of this. And I'll tell you just in my experience there is absolutely nothing my girlfriend could have said to me to change my mind. She said she would support me, but I didn't want to admit I had a problem so every time she would talk about support or helping, it made me push her away even more.

To be honest, there is just not much you can do in this situation because it's really hard to change a person's mind. Just imagine how hard it is for someone to change your mind. Alcoholics are not the most rational thinkers, and to get us to do something, you have to make it seem like we are making the choice ourselves.

sugarbear1

He's in recovery? And working the steps and staying stopped and you got into a relationship when he had 7 months of sobriety. Give him time. Maybe he's really working on himself now and this means he needs this time.

Maybe visit our Family and Friends of Alcoholics Forum. It's a little scary, but if your friend is working on recovery, you will both be a success story. If he's in the midst of relapse, then you can decide what is best for you. I don't know about the "hurtful things" he's said to you or if he was drinking, but when frustrated, we lash out out of fear. Time is most important now.

Maybe also read Codependent No More to get an idea of your behavior. Time is a good thing, especially in regards to a mutually respectful and loving relationship.

I strongly suggest you go to Al Anon, get a sponsor and work the steps. It will at least give you something to do while he's working on himself.

You both have a wonderful opportunity. Respect his request for time. It will hopefully benefit you both in the future!

I wish you well!!

buttercup102

I am respecting his time for himself, I just wish and the same time he would not push me out of his life..as for the hurtful things ..well I spoke to him, and told him I love him, and I want to support him...I can only support, only he can help himself. When the next time we spoke it was I don't love you, leave me alone. Which I trying to keep my faith in God, and his love.:ghug3

pauladmits

Are you talking about going to Al Anon?

sugarbear1

Focus on being a healthy person. There are a lot of self help books available. There's also counseling. And Al Anon.

Is he relapsing or is he working on recovery?

A normal and healthy relationship is about respect and love for the other person above one's own wants.

He's requested time. Live your life, get a hobby. Take care of you. I don't define myself by being in a relationship. Get to know yourself. Learn how to create your own boundaries. There's support and help available if you truly want it.

Relax. It's okay to be alone for a little while. Take care of you. Learn who you are.

You can give time time.

sugarbear1

Al-anon New York City

buttercup102

As far as I know he hasn't relapsed..that he working on his recovery. ...I have gone to a few Al anon meetings. I am going to continue going to more..but for me and not him...It's hard to relax, knowing that he is going through something. I feel helpless...LOL..I do need a hobby.:ghug3