Child of Alcoholic
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2012
Posts: 1
Child of Alcoholic
Hi, I'm not sure if I'm posting in the right place, I've only posted on a forum once before and I'm not too familiar with them. I'm weird about posting this kind of, I know there are people out there who had and have it much worse than I do so I feel a little weird about posting but...
All my life I have never really thought too much of living in a dysfunctional house. I knew I didn't like it, but I have never really connected the issues I've been having throughout life with it, if that makes any sense. I guess i just thought of it being my cross to bear.
As I sit here wondering how to fix myself and whats become of my life, I realized that I more or less have thought of everything as normal life, and it happens to everyone, and always felt ashamed or weak whenever I wanted to complain about it. I have never really discussed in much detail at all my childhood/current home life to anyone I've known my entire life. Its really..weird now that I think about it. I had friends I've known for 15 years and never really talked about it besides vague statements. I guess i never wanted to go too "pity party" in the sense of possibly throwing my issues on someone else only to have them annoyed or burdened by it, or ignore it even. Maybe sharing anonymously will help me to share to people I know one day, I hope. Ignoring it any longer doesn't seem the route to take since obviously whatever I'm doing is not working for me. I keep hearing the phrase "if you always do what you've always done, you'll always get what you've always gotten" (something like that) So I guess it's worth a shot. I think I might be looking for some validation that this is not in fact normal life, and that maybe someday I can have an almost normal life.*
*
Anyways, my dad is an alcoholic. Has been since I was born. Don't see it changing anytime soon, or ever. His dad passed away an alcoholic and most of his side of the family probably will as well. I don't know them personally, as I was kept away from them aside from maybe seeing them once or twice, but those times told me enough to know that just like my dad, they are stuck in their ways and will not change for anything.
I don't really know my dad. We live in the same house- I still live here- he is here mostly every night but this is not a person I know or ever knew. I hesitate to say I have a dad most of the time, which makes for some awkward confusion in conversation. I do have a provider- one who works and has paid the bills for me to live, have a place to sleep, and eat, and for that I am grateful. But a dad or a father, no, and I never had one.
He works in the day, he gets drunk and comes home and is drunk. That's all I really have known of this person. I feel like I have been living the same day, every day on a loop since I was born. Nothing changes here, except that i get older, and my childhood, then teenage, hopes and desires fade, and I sink deeper and deeper into depression.
My home is like an emotional black hole. Nothing is ever gained, it only takes. Every day is the same arguments/fights/trainwrecks between my dad and mom that I have seen and heard since i was born. My dad has been threatening to leave us for as far back as I can remember learning what that means. It might be stupid to say, but sometimes I feel like its worse than if he would've just up and left one day like he's been claiming to do forever, because it just never ends. I have a complete fear of the future everywhere I go. Will it actually happen this time? Would he do something crazy before he left? He turns suicidal in talk when he is really trashed. In the back of my mind, I'm always paranoid, always secretly fearing, when will it happen, will this be the year it happens, could I/we survive without him?
I live with my older brother and my mom. My mom is a severely paranoid/social anxiety/sensitive/denial-ist. My entire life has been built upon denial, some intentional, some unintentional, still not sure which is which. When I was young I could not let anyone in on our family situations. I could not have friends over ever, to this day it's the same even now that I'm technically an adult. It's completely different for my brother, he even has a gf living here for the past years for some reason. There is a huge double standard between me and my brother. My mom Deny, deny, ignores this, just like my dads endless alcoholism, but they do not fight in front of my brother and never did. As soon as he comes in my dad stops his drunken tirades, however will go full throttle if I'm around, which is why I adopted hiding out whenever he is home. I was forbidden to speak up or against him during a tirade, by both him and my mom, which was especially hard to do as a very small child when dad is professing his hatred for everything, wanting to die, hatred for my mother, always blaming us for how miserable his entire life is, ect ect, it never ends. Needless to say the times i had enough and lost my temper and stood up, things got ugly REAL quick, so hiding out when he comes home to avoid these things has been daily life for a long time.
I also had to be careful my entire childhood of accidentally letting it slip to a teacher or student. I had to have endless excuses on hand of why my parents dont come to anything, why someone cant pick me up, why nobody comes to a conference, why this, why that.
Not only was I hiding my alcoholic dad, but my "weird shut in" mother, and my abusive brother. In younger years even combined with the constant "fear everything" instillment and constant denial of anything I was upset being an actual real problem from my mom, the many years of complete hell of mental/emotional/physical abuse I received from my brother, and my dads distant/angry/hateful alcoholism personality, I always tried my best to have a strong spirit, march on, and be determined and motivated to pursue what I wanted. I have lost virtually all of it now. I have no idea where I am, what I am. I have no drive to do anything. I am currently employed, cannot afford college, cannot afford/do not own a vehicle, and I'm not doing anything about it. I have had many episodes of deep depression but this past winter was by far the worst, I honestly am surprised I have somewhat surfaced out of it alive. I knew someone once who frequently used the word "catatonic" to describe himself when he was angsty...that is pretty much what I was this recent winter. I laid, I blinked, I stared at ceilings and walls and did not move, did not speak or do much else. The phrase "existing, not living" applies pretty literally here. It is very weird to be overall, a physically healthy human being just be "broken" and unable to function. I am miserable here, as I have been my whole life, but I also recently ended up burning all my bridges with friends out of paranoia and anger after a close friend of mine and her boyfriend took it upon themselves to do something terrible and then turn people against me behind the scenes do I don't have anywhere to go now. I don't know if anyone has ever experienced this, and it's kind of hard to explain in words- but during that time I had this all encompassing, completely consuming feeling of total isolation, like in a movie or something. Like I was literally a different species than everyone else. I had flashbacks of my childhood and current life, everything I could not control, and all the times I watched it spiral into chaos or was a direct target of it. No one stood by me, or even really validated that it was a bad thing to have happened, in the same way my home life and childhood did, so I completely isolated myself from everyone I knew.
Some of this is so off topic, I'm sorry there's stuff just pouring out at this point, it's 20 years of constant mostly silent frustration. Gonna try and end this cause my thoughts are all scrambled now and if you've read all this you deserve a medal or something. I guess my point is kind of, has anyone had a similar thing, and be able to stay alive and kicking, and find a new life? What did you do to cope or deal with all the things you couldn't change? And if you couldn't change any of it, how did you find strength to get out of it eventually? And if you lost all your strength, how did you end up regaining it? Or is it all just an endless loop I have to deal with forever?*
All my life I have never really thought too much of living in a dysfunctional house. I knew I didn't like it, but I have never really connected the issues I've been having throughout life with it, if that makes any sense. I guess i just thought of it being my cross to bear.
As I sit here wondering how to fix myself and whats become of my life, I realized that I more or less have thought of everything as normal life, and it happens to everyone, and always felt ashamed or weak whenever I wanted to complain about it. I have never really discussed in much detail at all my childhood/current home life to anyone I've known my entire life. Its really..weird now that I think about it. I had friends I've known for 15 years and never really talked about it besides vague statements. I guess i never wanted to go too "pity party" in the sense of possibly throwing my issues on someone else only to have them annoyed or burdened by it, or ignore it even. Maybe sharing anonymously will help me to share to people I know one day, I hope. Ignoring it any longer doesn't seem the route to take since obviously whatever I'm doing is not working for me. I keep hearing the phrase "if you always do what you've always done, you'll always get what you've always gotten" (something like that) So I guess it's worth a shot. I think I might be looking for some validation that this is not in fact normal life, and that maybe someday I can have an almost normal life.*
*
Anyways, my dad is an alcoholic. Has been since I was born. Don't see it changing anytime soon, or ever. His dad passed away an alcoholic and most of his side of the family probably will as well. I don't know them personally, as I was kept away from them aside from maybe seeing them once or twice, but those times told me enough to know that just like my dad, they are stuck in their ways and will not change for anything.
I don't really know my dad. We live in the same house- I still live here- he is here mostly every night but this is not a person I know or ever knew. I hesitate to say I have a dad most of the time, which makes for some awkward confusion in conversation. I do have a provider- one who works and has paid the bills for me to live, have a place to sleep, and eat, and for that I am grateful. But a dad or a father, no, and I never had one.
He works in the day, he gets drunk and comes home and is drunk. That's all I really have known of this person. I feel like I have been living the same day, every day on a loop since I was born. Nothing changes here, except that i get older, and my childhood, then teenage, hopes and desires fade, and I sink deeper and deeper into depression.
My home is like an emotional black hole. Nothing is ever gained, it only takes. Every day is the same arguments/fights/trainwrecks between my dad and mom that I have seen and heard since i was born. My dad has been threatening to leave us for as far back as I can remember learning what that means. It might be stupid to say, but sometimes I feel like its worse than if he would've just up and left one day like he's been claiming to do forever, because it just never ends. I have a complete fear of the future everywhere I go. Will it actually happen this time? Would he do something crazy before he left? He turns suicidal in talk when he is really trashed. In the back of my mind, I'm always paranoid, always secretly fearing, when will it happen, will this be the year it happens, could I/we survive without him?
I live with my older brother and my mom. My mom is a severely paranoid/social anxiety/sensitive/denial-ist. My entire life has been built upon denial, some intentional, some unintentional, still not sure which is which. When I was young I could not let anyone in on our family situations. I could not have friends over ever, to this day it's the same even now that I'm technically an adult. It's completely different for my brother, he even has a gf living here for the past years for some reason. There is a huge double standard between me and my brother. My mom Deny, deny, ignores this, just like my dads endless alcoholism, but they do not fight in front of my brother and never did. As soon as he comes in my dad stops his drunken tirades, however will go full throttle if I'm around, which is why I adopted hiding out whenever he is home. I was forbidden to speak up or against him during a tirade, by both him and my mom, which was especially hard to do as a very small child when dad is professing his hatred for everything, wanting to die, hatred for my mother, always blaming us for how miserable his entire life is, ect ect, it never ends. Needless to say the times i had enough and lost my temper and stood up, things got ugly REAL quick, so hiding out when he comes home to avoid these things has been daily life for a long time.
I also had to be careful my entire childhood of accidentally letting it slip to a teacher or student. I had to have endless excuses on hand of why my parents dont come to anything, why someone cant pick me up, why nobody comes to a conference, why this, why that.
Not only was I hiding my alcoholic dad, but my "weird shut in" mother, and my abusive brother. In younger years even combined with the constant "fear everything" instillment and constant denial of anything I was upset being an actual real problem from my mom, the many years of complete hell of mental/emotional/physical abuse I received from my brother, and my dads distant/angry/hateful alcoholism personality, I always tried my best to have a strong spirit, march on, and be determined and motivated to pursue what I wanted. I have lost virtually all of it now. I have no idea where I am, what I am. I have no drive to do anything. I am currently employed, cannot afford college, cannot afford/do not own a vehicle, and I'm not doing anything about it. I have had many episodes of deep depression but this past winter was by far the worst, I honestly am surprised I have somewhat surfaced out of it alive. I knew someone once who frequently used the word "catatonic" to describe himself when he was angsty...that is pretty much what I was this recent winter. I laid, I blinked, I stared at ceilings and walls and did not move, did not speak or do much else. The phrase "existing, not living" applies pretty literally here. It is very weird to be overall, a physically healthy human being just be "broken" and unable to function. I am miserable here, as I have been my whole life, but I also recently ended up burning all my bridges with friends out of paranoia and anger after a close friend of mine and her boyfriend took it upon themselves to do something terrible and then turn people against me behind the scenes do I don't have anywhere to go now. I don't know if anyone has ever experienced this, and it's kind of hard to explain in words- but during that time I had this all encompassing, completely consuming feeling of total isolation, like in a movie or something. Like I was literally a different species than everyone else. I had flashbacks of my childhood and current life, everything I could not control, and all the times I watched it spiral into chaos or was a direct target of it. No one stood by me, or even really validated that it was a bad thing to have happened, in the same way my home life and childhood did, so I completely isolated myself from everyone I knew.
Some of this is so off topic, I'm sorry there's stuff just pouring out at this point, it's 20 years of constant mostly silent frustration. Gonna try and end this cause my thoughts are all scrambled now and if you've read all this you deserve a medal or something. I guess my point is kind of, has anyone had a similar thing, and be able to stay alive and kicking, and find a new life? What did you do to cope or deal with all the things you couldn't change? And if you couldn't change any of it, how did you find strength to get out of it eventually? And if you lost all your strength, how did you end up regaining it? Or is it all just an endless loop I have to deal with forever?*
Member
Join Date: Jun 2011
Location: Better than where I was
Posts: 267
I am so sorry you are in this situation. I remember growing up with my alcoholic father, not everything was as you described but so much of it was similar. All the feeling you have are ones I have felt. It is so hard to grow up like that. You get hard wired for thinking you are worthless. Nobody could ever understand or love you. Hiding all things your parents do from people. It's just way too much for a child or adolescent to handle.
I know posting this was difficult. I also know the feeling of not being able to talk to people about it. The pity party? Oh yeah! I felt like if said anything about anything that bothered me I was just an attention seeker telling the world "oh poor me!" & I would feel guilty every time. Like everyone else mattered but not me.
Your post had me in tears. I understand. I have no great secret about how to get rid of all that $hit, but it can be better. When I have hope in my heart, things get better for me. I started attending ALANON. It was about the hardest thing I ever had to do, but it has helped more than I can tell you. I still have feelings of hopelessness & fall into pits of depression but with the tools ALANON has given me I know I don't want to be there & I know I can leave it. It isn't always easy, but it's a lot easier than being stuck there.
Your post was not rambling to me. I followed every word of it. I know those thoughts & it all made sense. You'll find people will be able to relate pretty easy around here. Sometimes I have to just type it out just to let it go. Much of it may not make sense, but it's out & I can let it go.
My heart goes out to you. You are not alone. There are many here that grew up as we did. Check out the "Adult Children of Alcoholics" section on this forum. You can find many stories similar to yours. Know that you deserve everything good in life, you are worth it! You are kind & caring. Your feelings count. It is tough to express them, but you did it! This can be a great thing to build upon. Keep posting here, there is a special kind of love here & you are entitled to all of it. Take care of yourself.
Oh Boy
I know posting this was difficult. I also know the feeling of not being able to talk to people about it. The pity party? Oh yeah! I felt like if said anything about anything that bothered me I was just an attention seeker telling the world "oh poor me!" & I would feel guilty every time. Like everyone else mattered but not me.
Your post had me in tears. I understand. I have no great secret about how to get rid of all that $hit, but it can be better. When I have hope in my heart, things get better for me. I started attending ALANON. It was about the hardest thing I ever had to do, but it has helped more than I can tell you. I still have feelings of hopelessness & fall into pits of depression but with the tools ALANON has given me I know I don't want to be there & I know I can leave it. It isn't always easy, but it's a lot easier than being stuck there.
Your post was not rambling to me. I followed every word of it. I know those thoughts & it all made sense. You'll find people will be able to relate pretty easy around here. Sometimes I have to just type it out just to let it go. Much of it may not make sense, but it's out & I can let it go.
My heart goes out to you. You are not alone. There are many here that grew up as we did. Check out the "Adult Children of Alcoholics" section on this forum. You can find many stories similar to yours. Know that you deserve everything good in life, you are worth it! You are kind & caring. Your feelings count. It is tough to express them, but you did it! This can be a great thing to build upon. Keep posting here, there is a special kind of love here & you are entitled to all of it. Take care of yourself.
Oh Boy
To thine own self be true.
Join Date: May 2009
Location: U.S.A.
Posts: 5,924
I guess my point is kind of, has anyone had a similar thing, and be able to stay alive and kicking, and find a new life?
Let me tell you, my guess is you are about 18 years old and what I am reading is that you are a VERY observant and intelligent person to, at your age, see what you are seeing with such clarity and to reach out to others for their feedback and advice. I think what I am reading from you tells me you have what is called Resilience. I spent my entire teen years trying to save alcoholics and addicts in my own peer group, caretaking, getting hurt, being severely codependent and broken. Then I spent my entire twenties DRUNK, surrounded by other sick, dysfunctional people. What a mess I became. I had no direction in life and was completely dependent on other alcoholics and sick people, because of the environment I grew up in. Then when I was 29, it all came to a head and my entire world came crashing down on top of and all around me. It took me at least a year and a half to climb out from under that avalanche. It almost killed me.
What did you do to cope or deal with all the things you couldn't change? And if you couldn't change any of it, how did you find strength to get out of it eventually? And if you lost all your strength, how did you end up regaining it? Or is it all just an endless loop I have to deal with forever?
The Al-Anon Family Groups are a fellowship of relatives and friends of alcoholics who share their experience, strength, and hope in order to solve their common problems. We believe alcoholism is a family illness and that changed attitudes can aid recovery...Al-Anon has but one purpose: to help families of alcoholics. We do this by practicing the Twelve Steps, by welcoming and giving comfort to families of alcoholics, and by giving understanding and encouragement to the alcoholic. (Suggested Al-Anon Preamble to the Twelve Steps)
I also suggest higher education. What I did was moved away from my family in my 30s and lived on campus of a public university. I had no money at the time, just a car, and the university helped me make my way. For the first time in my life someone was taking care of me so that I could improve my self and my lot in life. The university became my parents. PM me if you would like my assistance getting into college and arranging for your life needs to be met and I will do my best to help you locate the resources you need.
Glad you have found us helloapathy.
To thine own self be true.
Join Date: May 2009
Location: U.S.A.
Posts: 5,924
Oh, I also highly recommend you read this book:
Adult Children of Alcoholics by Janet G. Woititz. You can probably find a copy at your local library. Or you can order it from Amazon for as cheap as 50 cents plus $4 shipping.
It will amaze you.
Adult Children of Alcoholics by Janet G. Woititz. You can probably find a copy at your local library. Or you can order it from Amazon for as cheap as 50 cents plus $4 shipping.
It will amaze you.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2005
Location: Baton Rouge, La.
Posts: 15,235
See you are not alone as many in recovery
have similar stories to your own. I am an
adult Child of an Alcoholic and an Alcoholic
myself sober for 21 yrs now living my life
with a program of recovery filled with tools
and knowledge of my alcoholism to guide
me and keep me sober, happy, honest and
sane.
I grew up with a sick mom on meds and alcohol
mixed to create a dr. jeckle, mr. hyde personality
and a time bomb exploding when least expected,
abusing me physically, verbally, emotionally out
of 4 kids. Why, probably because I reminded her
of herself and the abuse she went thru and thus
placed it on me.
So sad.
Today, I am a healthier sober person who chose
to divorce or separate myself from that family
unit because illness remains and to subject myself
to it would keep me sick and in that ilness.
My recovery means more to me than to allow anyone
to destroy it or mess with it. So I protect it will
all I have even if it means to let go of my family.
There is a happier healthier life outside that madness
and help is always available in recovery.
have similar stories to your own. I am an
adult Child of an Alcoholic and an Alcoholic
myself sober for 21 yrs now living my life
with a program of recovery filled with tools
and knowledge of my alcoholism to guide
me and keep me sober, happy, honest and
sane.
I grew up with a sick mom on meds and alcohol
mixed to create a dr. jeckle, mr. hyde personality
and a time bomb exploding when least expected,
abusing me physically, verbally, emotionally out
of 4 kids. Why, probably because I reminded her
of herself and the abuse she went thru and thus
placed it on me.
So sad. Today, I am a healthier sober person who chose
to divorce or separate myself from that family
unit because illness remains and to subject myself
to it would keep me sick and in that ilness.
My recovery means more to me than to allow anyone
to destroy it or mess with it. So I protect it will
all I have even if it means to let go of my family.
There is a happier healthier life outside that madness
and help is always available in recovery.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2011
Location: Right here, right now!
Posts: 3,424
I don't have a similar story in terms of circumstances that I grew up in.
I do have a similar story in terms of how I felt.
I have gotten a lot from Al-Anon and it has helped with much of what you talk about. This website also has an adult children of alcoholic section...and I bet you can get a lot from this side in addition that that side.
I also have learned a lot about the disease of alcoholism, and for me it is in my family for many generations. I learned a lot from an author named Claudia Black. Our library had whole sections on addictions and for awhile I became addicted to reading about addiction.
When I was able to afford it counseling has been priceless....that took me a few years however after I got on my feet. I wish I had known some of these other options prior.
Finally thanks for sharing.
I do have a similar story in terms of how I felt.
I have gotten a lot from Al-Anon and it has helped with much of what you talk about. This website also has an adult children of alcoholic section...and I bet you can get a lot from this side in addition that that side.
I also have learned a lot about the disease of alcoholism, and for me it is in my family for many generations. I learned a lot from an author named Claudia Black. Our library had whole sections on addictions and for awhile I became addicted to reading about addiction.
When I was able to afford it counseling has been priceless....that took me a few years however after I got on my feet. I wish I had known some of these other options prior.
Finally thanks for sharing.
I AM CANADIAN
Join Date: Jun 2010
Location: Niagara Region, Canada
Posts: 2,578
hi... I am a trait of alcoholics...meaning both my parents are Adult Children of ALCOHOLICS...either way...the disease dysfunction was brought down to myself and my brother of all those crazy behaviours...
this disease EFFECTS EVERYONE...
try a 12 step program...if you are lucky you may have ACOA meetings in your area...i do not anymore...so i go to AL ANON....
please read as much as you can...
the 3C's
you did not create this
you can not control this
and there is no cure
this disease EFFECTS EVERYONE...
try a 12 step program...if you are lucky you may have ACOA meetings in your area...i do not anymore...so i go to AL ANON....
please read as much as you can...
the 3C's
you did not create this
you can not control this
and there is no cure
Member
Join Date: Jun 2012
Posts: 88
I am so sorry that you're going through this.
I have found that as angry as I have been with my father who died from alcoholism, I am just as if not MORE angry at my mother. It's unreasonable I know. He was the one that was drunk, abusive and emotionally manipulative. She just ignored us.
Anyhow, I have recently started going to Al anon. I can't say that all of my resentments have melted away. But I know if I keep going back I can learn to forgive and love my parents. I may even learn to not hate my husband. I can be a better parent, most importantly I can be the best me that I can be. I can learn to love life again. I can learn to see myself in the mirror and smile, I can love myself.
You can do all of that too.
much love to you
I have found that as angry as I have been with my father who died from alcoholism, I am just as if not MORE angry at my mother. It's unreasonable I know. He was the one that was drunk, abusive and emotionally manipulative. She just ignored us.
Anyhow, I have recently started going to Al anon. I can't say that all of my resentments have melted away. But I know if I keep going back I can learn to forgive and love my parents. I may even learn to not hate my husband. I can be a better parent, most importantly I can be the best me that I can be. I can learn to love life again. I can learn to see myself in the mirror and smile, I can love myself.
You can do all of that too.
much love to you
Member
Join Date: Mar 2009
Posts: 1,334
I too am a child of an alcoholic. 50% of us marry alcoholics or become one. I did both but am in recovery. We tend to have all or nothing attitudes, low self-esteem, rage, trust issues, problems with authority, can't set healthy boundaries,and have
relationship problems. Alanon has helped me. I am learning to parent myself.
relationship problems. Alanon has helped me. I am learning to parent myself.
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