am i doing the right thing making him leave?

Old 07-07-2012, 03:03 AM
  # 1 (permalink)  
Member
Thread Starter
 
Join Date: Jul 2012
Location: new zealand
Posts: 12
am i doing the right thing making him leave?

hi i am new here and desperate to know i am not alone.
yesterday i finally gave up hope that my alcoholic bf of 6 years will ever give up drinking, and made him leave. i am so sad. ive read a few of your posts on here and your stories are all so familiar...

i am 38 and have known my bf for over 20 years, and yes, i knew he was a drinker way back then. my dad was also an alcoholic, and he actually died on a binge when he was just 41. (he choked on his own vomit). so i watched the hell he put my mum and us kids through, and i have finally realised that i am doing the same to my kids. i have two older children from a previous relationship 11 and 13 years old, and we have a 2 year old together. he also has a child from a previous relationship.

i guess i just need to know am i doing the right thing getting him to leave? i will probably need to sell my house as i cant afford the repayments on my own. i have been the one paying the bills, working, looking after the kids, and basically trying to keep us afloat as we drift further into debt caused by his drinking. i have put up with his nasty cruel comments, listened to his promises and lies over and over again, forgiven him numerous times, cleaned up his drunken messes, and have almost been driven to drink myself. he has tried to stop drinking in the past, and it never works - hes been to aa, tried medication, cold turkey and nothing works. he loves the bottle more than anything else. finally today he told me that he is prepared to lose me and our family, because he will never stop drinking. i know that too. so he is gone. now we have to sort out everything, and i know that i will be the one who will have to be strong but oh, i just dont know if i have the strength. i love him so much, i will miss him so much.

so, my story is too long to share everything here now, but i guess i am just hoping to reach out to others who have been through a break up with an alcoholic partner already, or are going through it now, especially if you have children together, and listen to any advice. please help me
carmel01 is offline  
Old 07-07-2012, 03:24 AM
  # 2 (permalink)  
Member
 
Katiekate's Avatar
 
Join Date: Mar 2012
Posts: 1,754
Hey there, welcome, sounds to me like you are on the right path.

What are you doing for some kind of support for yourself.

6 years is a long time to be in such a mess. I'm so sorry you are hurting, it gets better.

Lots of us know how you are feeling now.

Please keep posting, believe in yourself. We are here.

love to you katie
Katiekate is offline  
Old 07-07-2012, 03:32 AM
  # 3 (permalink)  
Member
Thread Starter
 
Join Date: Jul 2012
Location: new zealand
Posts: 12
thank you for replying katie, i do know deep down i have to do this if not for myself, then for my children. they need to know that it is not right to have a bottle in your hand every day. what message am i giving them if i put up with this any longer? its helpful to know others are out there
carmel01 is offline  
Old 07-07-2012, 03:53 AM
  # 4 (permalink)  
Forum Leader
 
Seren's Avatar
 
Join Date: Dec 2008
Posts: 10,944
Hi carmel01, Welcome to SR!

So sorry to hear about what brings you to SR, but you have found a great place for support!!

IMHO, protecting the children is always the right thing. Sadly, the right thing is often not the easy thing, is it.

Please make yourself comfortable. Read as much as you can, including the 'stickies' at the top of the forum (they contain a lot of great information). Welcome, again!
Seren is offline  
Old 07-07-2012, 03:59 AM
  # 5 (permalink)  
Member
Thread Starter
 
Join Date: Jul 2012
Location: new zealand
Posts: 12
i have just eaten for the first time in two days. i cant sleep or function very well at the moment. my brain just feels like mush and i have such a head ache. please tell me this will get better. has anyone who has delivered an ultimatum to their partner (its me or the drink)have a success story? meaning is there hope that he will wake up to what he has lost?
carmel01 is offline  
Old 07-07-2012, 04:23 AM
  # 6 (permalink)  
Forum Leader
 
Seren's Avatar
 
Join Date: Dec 2008
Posts: 10,944
Yes, in time the pain will ease

I don't think anyone here can tell you whether or not this will be his wake up call, and if you asked him to leave just to get him to sober up, I'm afraid you will be disappointed.

As sad as it is and as difficult as it was for many of us to accept when we first arrived at SR.......this is his battle to fight, and there is nothing you can do to influence the outcome. You can only prolong the battle by enabling him (doing things for him that he should/could be doing himself, paying his bills, giving him money).

I'm so sorry you are hurting. You are among people who truly understand.
Seren is offline  
Old 07-07-2012, 04:43 AM
  # 7 (permalink)  
Member
Thread Starter
 
Join Date: Jul 2012
Location: new zealand
Posts: 12
thank you for your reply. the problem is, he is in denial, and so are his mum and dad. they just cant see that thier son causes so much grief and wrecks all his relationships, its just poor him, hes is so much pain going through a break up... again. so they help him with money for drink, and make excuses for him, and he thinks its ok.
carmel01 is offline  
Old 07-07-2012, 05:20 AM
  # 8 (permalink)  
Forum Leader
 
Seren's Avatar
 
Join Date: Dec 2008
Posts: 10,944
Sad truth number 2 is: We can't control our fellow enablers, either

Yes, his parents will want to 'save him', to keep him from feeling any pain or experiencing any consequences. The truth is, they are keeping him from maturing into a responsible, self-sufficient adult. Only they don't see it that way, and there is nothing you can do to change that, either.

Denial is something that we use, too, to keep us from acknowledging the truth about how bad the situation is when living with an active alcoholic or addict. Some of us have been with an alcoholic partner for years.

I wish I could tell you that there is some magic phrase or way of explaining it to him or to them that would break through the denial--but there isn't. What you can control is your own environment, the sort of behavior that is acceptable for you to be around. I really like the hula-hoop analogy. Imagine yourself standing inside a hula-hoop that is lying on the ground: What's inside the hula-hoop, you control. What's outside the hula-hoop you can't control. It doesn't belong to you.

Frustrating, right? But true....
Seren is offline  
Old 07-07-2012, 05:41 AM
  # 9 (permalink)  
Member
 
Helenlee's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jan 2009
Location: NSW, Australia
Posts: 197
has anyone who has delivered an ultimatum to their partner (its me or the drink)have a success story? meaning is there hope that he will wake up to what he has lost?

My experience was that the only hope I had of anyone waking up was for ME to finally wake up! I gave him so many ultimatums & I walked backwards from all of them because it was clear he would not stop & I wasn't ready to let go. This went on for several years!

he loves the bottle more than anything else. finally today he told me that he is prepared to lose me and our family, because he will never stop drinking. i know that too. so he is gone.

Mine also told me he would never stop. I have no idea why I didn't LISTEN to what he was saying & respect it - that is, act as if what he said was what he meant. I wish I had. I would have saved my poor children so much pain.
My daughter is in rehab for the second time - she went in again on her 19th birthday. My younger son recently spent his 21 st birthday in rehab.
If I could turn back time I would listen to what my alcoholic husband was saying & I would act appropriately. When I look back on it it's like I was the one who was drunk! I sure acted like it!

I hope you make better decisions than I did. The consequences of "magical thinking" are horrendous.
Helenlee is offline  
Old 07-07-2012, 07:18 AM
  # 10 (permalink)  
Member
 
Join Date: Feb 2009
Location: Canada
Posts: 40
Going through this right now as well. 33 years old, 4 kids together, his parents are such enablers, as are our neighbours, but they're alcoholics as well, so....
But anyway, we split 2 weeks ago now, and, although I have no advise, I know what you're going through, and that always helps
We'll be stronger for the experience, I'm sure of it.
amy79 is offline  
Old 07-07-2012, 07:31 AM
  # 11 (permalink)  
To thine own self be true.
 
Join Date: May 2009
Location: U.S.A.
Posts: 5,924
am i doing the right thing making him leave?
Absolutely, unequivocally, without question or pause, YES, you are doing the right thing making him leave.

i just dont know if i have the strength
Right. Because this is a lot of work you are talking about and you are already financially and emotionally, and likely physically, drained. Right? So what you need to do is reach out to other people for help. An excellent place to start reaching out for help is Al-Anon. Please, go to a meeting, actually go to at least 6 meetings before you decide whether or not it is "right" for you, and seek the support of groups of loving, kind people who know and have been EXACTLY where you are. You can find a meeting here: How to find a meeting in the US/Canada/Puerto Rico. Go today.

Second, you need to reach out for help from your close network of friends and family to help you with the logistical stuff you are going to need to handle. There is also Social Services that can help you locate resources in your community to assist you with everything from finances to health. Take advantage of these resources.

(((hugs))) You are doing the right thing for EVERYONE involved in this situation, including yourself, your children, and yes, even the alcoholic. He has made the CONSCIOUS DECISION to let his entire family and all that he has go, for a drink. Now it is time for those who love him to allow him to FEEL the consequences of his decision.
Learn2Live is offline  
Old 07-07-2012, 07:31 AM
  # 12 (permalink)  
To thine own self be true.
 
Join Date: May 2009
Location: U.S.A.
Posts: 5,924
Oh, sorry, I did not see you are in New Zealand.

Find a meeting in New Zealand
Learn2Live is offline  
Old 07-09-2012, 01:30 AM
  # 13 (permalink)  
Member
Thread Starter
 
Join Date: Jul 2012
Location: new zealand
Posts: 12
thank you all for your replies, i'm feeling a bit better today, and have finally eaten something substantial for the first time in nearly 5 days without retching it up again. but i am going through really extreme mood swings and today i broke down in the supermarket carpark, thank goodness i had already bought my groceries and i could just get in the car and get home. i seem to have difficulties if the smallest things go wrong, like i jammed my finger in the microwave and just broke down, even though it didnt really hurt that much. and i went to put the fruit in the fruitbowl, and missed and the fruit fell out on the floor and i couldnt stop crying. i have to get it together for my children, i know, just as well the older ones are away at the moment with family on school holidays.

Then i have moments where i feel stronger because i am actually following through on getting myself out of the abuse, instead of taking the (un)easy option and staying in the situation. i am relieved of the peace in the house without him here.

it does help to know others care.
carmel01 is offline  

Currently Active Users Viewing this Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
 
Posting Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off
Trackbacks are On
Pingbacks are On
Refbacks are Off




All times are GMT -7. The time now is 11:32 PM.